Oh wow, more reviews: The revered elegos-sirinial-shamtul has reviewed my story, and I must apologise profusely to him because I have only just realised that there in an 'I' in his name that I did not previously notice. Thank-you also to Ellen 26 and the numerous anonymous reviewers (but why there are so many anonymous ones baffles me.)
I really liked writing it TV style, and COTT's #1 fan EVA has helpfully said that they prefer it too, so that is how I will continue.
Disclaimer: I do not own COTT or anything. I did make up the answers though :) And I used a bit from one of elegos's stories, but you will see why.
__________________________________________________________________________________
"Welcome back to the nameless show!" cries the host. "Nameless until a kind reviewer supplies us with a suitable name (hint hint). Our first reviewer of the day is the revered elegos-sirinial-shamtul who has taken the hint and has some questions for the gods."
Elegos-sirinial-shamtul walks up on stage and the audience falls silent. He clears his throat and surveys the crows. "I have a few questions," he says. "Zeus, what were you and Granny REALLY getting up to last Mother's Day, and remember, HERA is watching."
"Oh no," mutters Archie darkly. "We're back with the random capitalised words."
"Well," begins Zeus, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "Taking into account that HERA is watching, and we're talking about HERA here, not just Hera, we were quite simply spending an innocent afternoon drinking lemonade and growing flowers. What's more, all seven heroes were present to witness this." He smiles contentedly, and appears to fall asleep.
Seeing that nothing more is going to come out of the apparently sleeping Zeus, elegos continues. "Archie, how drunk would you have to be to continue sleeping with Theresa?"
Archie's hair and face become matching colours, though whether his hair becomes white or his face becomes purple is yet to be confirmed. "Wha, wha, wha?" he gargles. This continues for some time until he manages to say: "The amount of alcohol needed for this to happen would probably kill me."
"Theresa, same question but about Archie?"
Theresa laughs a light hearted bubbling laugh that almost suggests she is not remotely disturbed by this question. "Aha! Well I'd have to be pretty drunk to do something like that!" The laughter continues. Everyone else chuckles nervously.
"Moving on!" screams the host. "Before this un-named TV show becomes 'M' rated."
The great elegos-sirinial-shamtul smiles sublimely at the havoc he has caused (at least it is assumed he was trying to cause havoc). "Odie," he continues. "What are the odds of you ever learning to throw a punch?"
"I'll have you know that I am perfectly capable of throwing a punch!" retorts Odie. "You may be the revered elegos-sirinial-shamtul, but I am Odie, descendent of Odysseus!"
"Eh, yes, we know, Odie."
"And I right! And a left! Left! Right! Right-left! Left-right! Hah! Hiyah! Haar-yaargh!" Odie jumps about wildly to the soundtrack of Theresa still giggling to the previous question, until, with an impressively unimpressive roundhouse kick, he falls off the stage. Herry is sent to fetch him back, and a psychiatrist is sent for to shut Theresa up.
Elegos continues. "Hermes, how much would it cost to get the Techno Greeks to upgrade my computer?"
Hermes is dragged from his political conversation, now wearing a pink feather boa for some extraordinary reason. "Well," he begins, twirling it around his fingers. "I think your original estimate of £200 is quite accurate. Of course it does depend on what kind of upgrade your looking for. If you're looking a basic one, faster internet access, virus protection, varied personal features etcetera, that would be less than £200. For £200 you could probably have a slightly better upgrade which includes all that, plus web-cam, touch screen and extra tools such as pens, cutters and microphone. If, however, you're thinking more of a full blown upgrade such as the ones the Techno Greeks have, that is more likely to cost the Table of Apollo, so good luck with that." He walks off.
This being elegos-sirinial-shamtul's last question, he bows until he can touch his shoelaces with his nose, and exits.
"Come on up our next interviewer!" cries the host. "It's COTT's #1 fan in the world EVA, so let's hope they are sporting a good question!"
COTT's #1 fan in the world EVA comes up on stage, gasping and spluttering. This goes on for some time until they finally get their breath back to ask: "How old are you guys?"
"May I recommend Wikipedia?" asks the rather rude sarcastic host.
Jay, who was rather upset not to be asked a question by the great elegos, takes this question under his yellow and purple striped wing. "We are all sixteen except for Archie and Atlanta who are fifteen." He states, in the kind of language a foreigner who has never even heard of English could understand.
"Thank-you for that, Jay" the host smiles sweetly. "And thank-you to COTT's #1 fan in the world EVA, we hope you will ask us some more questions when you get your breath back. Now please welcome CAT LOVER 7, the world's seventh cat lover (they're rare you know), who has some bad news, and a rather familiar question."
CAT LOVER 7 comes up and looks pointedly at Atlanta. "Come on Atlanta," they say, "you know that you want to tell that you like Archie more than a friend." A sad little pause ensues. "There's a dying 8-year-old whose only dream was to hear you say that you like him more than a friend so, please?"
The audience all do a quick bout of synchronise sniffing and quickly reach for their handkerchiefs, even those without handkerchiefs. Even the host is mildly touched. But Atlanta remains completely unaffected and purses her lips.
"And we thought that Atlanta was the environmentalist here…"
Archie, however, suddenly rises to his feet. "No!" he cries. "I'm afraid I must break my unholy vows for the sake of a dying cat's last wish! (We are talking about cats here, and I'm rather partial to those.) I admit it! We are in a relationship! I love Atlanta though whether she will still love me after I chose a cat over her is yet to be confirmed! But yes! We did not actually go to the cinema last Thursday like we said we did. Nor did we really go skating on the 9th of May, but I think I better keep what we did do a secret for the time being. Ahem. That is all I has to say, rest in peace, cat." He sits back down with the contented smile of someone who has been waiting a long time to do something momentous then finds that they can do two momentous things at once.
The audience all reach for their handkerchiefs again, existent or otherwise.
"Well, that's all we've got time for!" announces the cheerful host. "Thank-you for watching!"
__________________________________________________________________________________
Thank-you! Love Jay5merlin.