AN: Ok – Now Jules' explanation…..FYI…I am not a doctor and I am making this stuff up – isn't the whole idea of fiction to suspend reality – I am trying to keep it close to it though. Be prepared it's a long chapter...Enjoy!
Sam sat in the chair and couldn't get comfortable. He was literally sitting on the edge of his seat and couldn't stop fidgeting. He didn't know where to look, he didn't know what to do with his hands. He was trying to hold on to the anger and indifference, but it was hard and when he finally glanced towards Jules, she was slowing rocking her chair and had her eyes closed. She look so small, fragile, and sad. He knew that physically she wasn't fragile, but her emotions were something completely different and he knew that he had the power to break them into tiny pieces that would never be able to be put back together again. Part of him wanted her to feel like he did at that moment – shattered, not knowing which way was up. But he knew he wasn't that kind of person - He wanted, no needed, to understand. He knew that they may not overcome this as a couple, which hurt him more than he wanted to admit, but he knew that he could not purposely hurt Jules. He would always love her. These conflicting emotions and thoughts were giving him a bigger headache.
Coming out of his head and thoughts, he noticed when she took a couple of deep breathes and opened her eyes and looked at him. He saw the determination that he always found extremely sexy.
Jules opened and closed her mouth a couple of times without any sound – just like a fish out of water. Finally, she took one last deep breath and opened her mouth again and her voice, very shaky and uncertain, said, "Sam, I am so sorry. I did not want you to find out this way. The longer I kept this secret, the harder it was for me to find a way to tell you." Towards the end her voice became a little more confident and 'Jules-like'.
Jules hated the way her voice sounded, but she was just exhausted – emotionally - from the hot call, to her unexpected visitors, and the long overdue conversation with Sam. Physically – from keeping up with the demands of the job, the demands of a very active 1 ½ year old, and the demands of living a double life. She is almost happy and relieved that this is out in the open, but she wishes the reveal was different. So all she has is the energy for is to provide Sam with the facts, like she's giving a report to SIU or her supervisors.
"It started about two years ago after I was shot by Petar. After I woke up and the doctor came in to talk with me and asked everyone else to leave the room, he asked me if I knew that I was pregnant." Jules stopped closed her eyes again to calm her nerves and then continued the story. "I laughed at him, said that he was mixed-up and that I was recovering from a gunshot, and that I couldn't be pregnant. I'm thinking to myself, that we were pretty careful and this was just some un-funny joke."
Jules continues, "The doctor assured me that he realizes that I am recovering from a gunshot, but as they were fixing me up during surgery, they found out I was pregnant. Apparently, this was why the surgery took so long, they had to be even more careful because of the fetus. The doctor told me that if the shot was ½ inch lower, there would have been no hope for the baby. I started crying and I wasn't sure why I was crying. I was thinking this is just great – I get shot, find out I'm pregnant, and I wasn't sure of how serious we were, we never talked about a future, and honestly, I was afraid of my feelings for you."
During this Jules is looking at a nice spot on the floor, and peeks a look up to Sam's face. He isn't any more relaxed, but at least he is sitting back in the chair and doesn't look like he is going to jump up and run screaming from the room. He is looking at me, with no expression of his face. Sam nods at Jules as if to say continue. She nods back, and takes another deep breath.
"My feelings for you scared me. I like to be in control, plan my life, and you know that I am not one to break the rules. The fact I broke the rules to be with you scared me. How far was I going to go, willing to go, and continue to go until I felt that I completely lost myself. I was beginning not to know who I was and what I wanted. I felt so scared and alone, right at that moment, even with you all outside in the hallway. I felt like I was losing control over everything that I thought was important – that was me."
Tears are slowly creeping down Jules' cheeks and she gives up trying to hide them and lets them flow freely.
"While I am lost in my thoughts, I realize that the doctor is still talking and I have no idea what he is saying. As I focus in on what the doctor is saying, he tells me that I need to go to the maternity ward for an ultrasound. They couldn't do this until I woke up. I told him the name of my OBGYN and he said that we were in luck as she is on staff at the hospital and is actually on site right now. He called down to maternity scheduled the ultra sound and paged my doctor. As he's getting ready to go, I asked him if he had told anyone about the baby, he said no, and I asked to keep quiet about it. He agreed. I asked if he could tell the team that I was not up for visitors and that I was going to be taken for some additional tests now that I was awake. He agreed, but didn't seem happy about it. Once he left, I was able to cry by myself and think about what I wanted to do."
Jules paused for a moment as if collecting her thoughts, her eyes were focused on something that was not in the room, as if she was reliving this moment over again. Sam sat there staring at Jules, not saying a word, not touching her, knowing that she would continue when she was ready.
"I was taken for the ultrasound, and my doctor confirmed that I was about 4 months pregnant. I asked her how could I not know. She indicated that some women only spot while they are on the pill, which I continued to do so, even though it was lighter that usual, but didn't really pay attention. I just chalked it up to our stressful job, the hard work at remodeling the house, and the stress of keeping us a secret. I noticed that I had gained a little weight, but not enough to be concerned about. I asked the doctor why didn't I have morning sickness. She said that some women don't have it and I was apparently one of the lucky ones. At this point, she indicated that the baby appeared to be healthy despite all of the stresses my body was under. She said that I needed to make a decision in the next couple of days as to whether or not I wanted to keep the baby. I told her I didn't need time to think about it. If this baby was able to survive everything we just went through, who was I to end its' life."
Jules still had the faraway look in her eyes. As she continued, she was relaxing a little bit more as if she was happy she was finally sharing this moment with someone, even her brothers and father didn't know all of the details.
"As soon as I said no, I was keeping the baby, I felt like I was taking control back over my life. The doctor gave me a copy of the sonogram. My ICU doctor was with us and they were discussing the types of medication and activity that I could have or do that would not harm the baby. I asked how long it was going to take to recover from being shot and he said that it was going to be about 4-5 months, which would coincide with the birth of the baby. I asked the doctors, if they could tell the department that it would take about 7-8 months for recovery that would include recovering from not only the gunshot, but having the baby. I told them, I didn't want anyone at work to know yet and that I would tell you guys when I was ready. They were both reluctant, but they agreed. I knew that if I stayed in town, you would be there by my side through the whole recovery process. And as I said, I was scared of my feelings for you and was not ready to acknowledge that you were more important than the job or having a family together. I knew that we would not be able to stay on the same team if we remained a couple, so I knew what I wanted to do. I asked the doctors if I would be able to travel to Medicine Hat for my recovery and birth of my baby. They said, that should be fine in a couple of days. My OGBYN, said that I would need to be closer to a full-scale hospital when I had the baby because of potential complications. She gave me the name of an OBGYN that was close to my Dad's and who she trusted. They moved me back to my room. I was lucky that you guys had a shift that night, and you all had left to go the station. While I was alone, I called my Dad explained to him what was going on, not everything, but enough. He said that I could come back home for as long as I needed."
Jules spoke these next words looking directly as Sam, "Even though I thought I was doing the right thing didn't mean that I was happy about it or that it was easy for me. The following day was when I told you we couldn't be together anymore and that I didn't want your help while I was recovering, and that I was going home to my Dad's house to recuperate and that I didn't want you to call or check up on me. The look on your face, broke my heart. I didn't think I would ever forget it. I was thinking what kind of person was I to hurt the one person who loved me and loved all of me. I felt that it I didn't break up with you, I would lose all control over my life, that I wouldn't be me anymore. I needed to protect me and my heart. I didn't have enough faith that everything would work out the way it was suppose to – that we would be able to work together, be a couple, and a family. I always had to rely upon me and no one else, I was afraid to give up that control and let you in completely." A couple of days later, two of my brothers picked me up from the hospital, went to the house to pack a few things, including a couple of your things – I needed to be surrounded by your smell – and not in a creepy way." Jules smiled and laughed a little after this revelation – Sam chuckled a little too. Jules thought she would be able to get through this.
"As the months went by, I communicated only with Sarge, letting him know how my recovery was coming along, and that I was fine. He filled my in on some of the cases and the new team dynamics. I was miserable and all I wanted to do was talk to you, tell you what was going on, and hold onto you for dear life. Those thoughts and feelings were what kept me from calling you. I realized that during my pregnancy, I am a big coward. I can talk a good game, but I can't follow through with my actions."
"As I was getting closer to giving birth, two of my brothers and I checked into the hotel across the street from the hospital. After about a week, I gave birth, without any complications to Jake. Once I looked at him, he had your blue eyes and I could tell that these weren't just regular baby blue eyes and they weren't going to change. I looked at him and knew that if I never saw you again, I would always have you right their every day, when I looked into your son's face. His name was a no brainer. I wanted to name his after you, but you mentioned how much you hated the idea of a 'junior' so to honor you, your middle name became his first name and his middle name was your first. I thought it was perfect."
I took me about a month after having Jake that I could walk without being in pain. After that I started jogging, working with the weights my brothers had at my dad's and practiced shooting, I knew that I was close to me fighting weight – pre-pregnancy weight. The only visible difference was that my breasts were a little fuller because I was breast-feeding, but nothing that couldn't be hidden with baggy shirts and loads of gear. I was really surprised how much I love being a mom. If I wasn't working out, I was with Jake – he was my miracle baby. Because he survived, I knew that I could survive for him no matter what."
Jules stopped, took a deep breath, and knew that the hard part was coming up. "When I was ready to move back to Toronto and reclaim my spot on the team, I was worried about childcare – who did I trust enough to watch over my baby. My brother's daughter, Gabriella, or Gabby, had just graduated from high school, didn't know what she wanted to do, so I asked her if she would want to move back with me to Toronto and look after Jake while I was working. She readily jumped at the chance and my brother and sister-in-law were happy that she wasn't going to be hanging around doing nothing as she 'found herself'. My brothers drove the three of us down here. We fixed up the second half of the basement as a little apartment for Gabby and fixed the nursery up. Then I returned to the team."
"My plan was to tell you right away. But we could hardly speak to each other without some smartass comments. You were so hurt, you barely said "hi" to me. I thought, 'how can I tell Sam, when he won't even look at me or talk to me unless it is work-related.' So I made the decision not to push you. I was going to wait until things got to be a little more normal between us. This was just me being a coward again. Anyway, when you started dating again, I thought my heart was going to break. I was never as unhappy as I was when I heard you talking about your girlfriend and the time that she met up with us at the Goose. I hated myself for hating you for moving on. It was basically what I forced you to do. The only thing that helped me get through those first months after returning to work, was coming home to see Jake. He lit up every time I walked into the room. Whatever crappy day I had instantly vanished when I saw him. Things started getting back to normal between us and I told myself that I didn't want to upset the status quo we had – again can you say coward." With this last comment, Jules smiled an unhappy smile and pointed to herself.
She shook her head, to clear out the self-pity and finish the story. "I was pretty relieved when you stopped talking about your girlfriend when I was around, and that was mostly why I stopped hanging out with you guys after work, I didn't want to see you use your charm on someone else. That was just too painful. Then we had the call with the white supremacy group, and I reconnected with Steve." At the mention of his name, Sam tightened up as if hearing his name physically hurt him.
Jules continued, "I had a little crush on him when I was in high school, but he was a year older than me and was best friends with one of my brothers. I knew the guy code well enough that even if he liked me, there was no way in hell that he was going to ask me out. Seeing him again, I thought maybe I could move on, like you had. We went out for a 2-3 months and I realized that we couldn't be anything more than friends, I kept comparing him to the one person I wanted to be with, but couldn't have…" Before Jules finished this thought, she looked up at Sam, make sure she caught his eyes, before she continued. "…you. All I ever wanted was you. I compared every guy that I met with you. And I knew that I ruined that and we would never have that back. Then I after you came to the rescue at the Sultan's Grill, I KNEW that you were the only one who I would truly love. Then I was more scared, how what I going to tell you about Jake, did I ruin our chances, have I ruined both of our lives. I didn't know the answers to any of this. Then it seemed like our team was falling apart – it was the once constant aside from Jake that kept me grounded and sane. Toth comes, Ed gets shot, we start seeing each other, Wordy transferred to Guns 'n Gangs, and we start breaking in a new rookie."
Jules takes what she hopes is her last deep breathe of the evening as she knows that she is in the homestretch. "I wanted to tell you every day, but didn't know how. I was being a coward again, I was afraid if I told you, you would walk away and never forgive me, or that you would try and take Jake away from me, which would shatter me completely. So I continued living my double life and it explains why we spent most of our time at your place. The few times we were here, I needed to plan ahead, make sure Jake stayed with Gabby in the basement and remove any evidence that a baby lived in this house. I locked the door to his nursery so that you wouldn't wander in there. After a couple of times, this was just too much work and I made all sorts of excuses why your place was easier. The call today hit me really hard. The toddler reminded me of Jake and after SIU all I needed to was to hold him, kiss him, and be with him. I didn't want to convince you all that I was ok and I needed to be by myself."
Jules stopped talking and after a few minutes looked at Sam and asked him if he had any questions. Sam looked at her like she was crazy, did he have questions, of course he did, it was just too bad he wasn't sure what they were at that moment. He couldn't think straight, he didn't know what he should do at the moment. And he was completely surprised when he heard his voice ask a question, it was like his mouth had a mind of his own and wasn't connected to his brain any longer. "How did Jake know that I was his dad and recognize the rest of the team?"
It was then that Jules' face lit up and she had her first genuine smile on her face in what seemed like years. "Oh that…that was the easy part. Before he was born and every day afterwards, I talked to him about you and the team, what great men you are, that I was lucky to be part of this team and this family. I told stories about all of you, stories from work, serious stories, funny stories, sad stories, he knows all of you including Lou. After he was born, after I was done reading a children's book to him, we would look at pictures of all of you. I would say your names over and over and over again. Actually, his first words were 'dada' because we looked at your picture some much."
Jules got up and looked at Sam, and sighed as if she was trying to find the courage to continue. "I always planned on telling you about Jake, and I felt bad that I wasn't giving you the opportunity to be part of the pregnancy, his birth, and his life. Somehow I knew that you'd want to be a part of these moments, so I taped as many of these moments as I could – Gabby did a really good job with that – then had them transferred to DVDs. Sam these are for you…" Jules points to bookshelf with a TV and DVD player on it, there is a shelf that has about 10 discs label Jake and a number. "…I know that they don't make up for being there in person, but I want you to know that your son always knew who his father is and that he is loved."
Jules was crying again, "I'm sorry that I was a coward and didn't trust in myself enough to trust you with all of this. I'm sorry that I hurt you again and kept something so important from you. I hope that I didn't completely screw this up and you want to be a part of Jake's life and mine. If it is only Jake's, I completely understand. I think in the beginning of all of this, I thought of you as the cocky rookie, who could smile and have any girl that he wanted, but you have changed the last couple of years, you aren't the same person you were when you first joined the team and we all pulled our guns on you. You are the person that I'm proud to say is the father of my son. I am sorry that I didn't trust you or myself then and now. I am going to go downstairs and give you some time. The is a TV and DVD player in here if you want to watch them now. They are yours and you can take them when you leave. Just let me know if you have any questions. Thanks for listening." She gently squeezes his shoulder and turns and walks out the door and down the stairs. She knows that she needs to face the team at some point and chooses to do it now to get it over with. What happens next shocks her completely…
AN: Hope you made it through this long chapter, there was not way to break it into two chapters. I hope you want to learn about Sam's reaction, as well as the team's. What is going to happen next. Stay tuned. Please review...