"I was thinking about something last night after you fell asleep."
Santana had been feeling a strange mixture of content and unsettled in the past few days. She couldn't deny how good it felt to have Brittany with her, rarely far from her side. She was sleeping better at night, feeling less anxious in the day, and coming home from work, reaching for alcohol wasn't her first thought. But part of her shrank back from really trusting and believing that this would last, that Brittany wouldn't snatch it back from her at the last moment, and it was enough that she couldn't fully enjoy. She still had difficulty eating, having seized control of the one thing she could always have an effect on, her body, since so much else seemed up in the air and beyond her ability to control.
Lying with Brittany in bed, hip to hip, her head near her shoulder, she looked over at her as Brittany spoke. "What?"
"You and I have never really been out on a date together. I mean in Lima we'd go to dinner and then go back to your place or my place and have sex or take a bath together. But we have never really done the dinner and a movie or dinner and something. We always had homework to do too or cheer practice first."
Brittany's fingers stroked Santana's shoulder as they laid together. She could never get over just how much of a thrill she got from seeing the contact in skin tones. It was like ice cream with caramel sauce.
"So what I'm asking is will you go on a date with me?"
"We have too," Santana protested, moving herself a little closer, more firmly into her hand. "We went to Breadstix before...but yes. Okay. We can." She looked up at her under her eyelashes deliberately. "Drinks on you?"
Brittany bit her lip, her hand slipping down to Santana's waist. "God you know what it does to me when you look at me though your lashes San," she muttered, feeling every moment of the long months since she felt someone touch her. She tried to push that away, not wanting to put pressure on Santana. "Dinner on me. I want to take you to dinner and then to the museum. They have a star gazing thing that sounds super romantic."
Santana smirked a little bit, noting her gentle insistence on this date including dinner, and didn't comment. She knew Brittany was worried about her in this way. She made no promises, but nodded instead. "You like it because that part in the Lion King, don't you?"
"You know me too well for my own good."
Brittany dipped her head, kissing Santana's cheek. Her hand stroked slowly over the skin exposed when he t-shirt road up a little.
"Can I tell you a secret?"
She left a slightly goofy smile form on her lips. She missed this playful, holding each other in bed thing. So many afternoons of their senior year were spent tangled up like this. Some of her favorite memories in the world.
Santana's muscles twitched slightly in response to her, and her lips curved up at Brittany's kiss. She was a little distracted by her touch, so she was slow in answering.
"What?"
"I'm in love with you," Brittany whispered with that same goofy grin on her lips, tucking a pierce of hair behind Santana's ear. "Totally in love with you. With the way that you laugh and the way that you pout. I'm in love with the little yawn you give about 6 at night. And God am I in love with the way you stretch each morning, cracking your back, before you get out of bed. All of you. I love it all. Good, not so good, Lima Heights, ballet girl, tomboy. I am hopelessly, unchangeably in love with you."
Santana's smile softened further, and she met Brittany's eyes, touched by the sincerity she saw there. Tentatively she reached out, laying her hand against her cheek.
"Do you love when I don't wear socks because I think they're stupid and then rub my cold feet against you?"
Brittany couldn't stop herself from nodding. "I sorta do even if you're feet at like blocks of ice. Because it means you're in bed with me. And you in bed with me means that I have done something right that day and I am not banished to the couch."
Santana poked her toes against her just to be playful, one dimple showing in her cheek.
"Well, that's my only flaw, so you're in luck."
Brittany playfully rolled her eyes. "You drool in your sleep sometimes. But lucky for you I think it's kinda cute. And I've had other fluids from you on me so a little spit isn't going to gross me out."
"I do not," Santana protested, disgruntled at the suggestion. "You talk sometimes!"
"I dance sometimes too," Brittany smirked. She knew her night time things. More than a few times growing up, her sister shook her awake at 3 in the morning with her complaints. "You ground against my hip one night. Though I am still not sure you were sleeping."
Santana's face flushed, and she tried to smirk, hiding it. "Definitely not." She had been, though.
"Do you miss sex with me?" Brittany asked, tilting her head a little. "I don't want you to feel any pressure. Just being next to you is enough for me right now. But do you miss it?"
Of course she missed it. Santana had never felt as close to another person as she did with Brittany, having sex with her, and with her increased need now to find ways to assure herself she can be close to her, that even when they are apart, she hasn't left forever, her desire for sex with Brittany has definitely been in her mind. But she has held herself back, afraid of what could happen if she let down this wall.
She sighed, giving a small nod. "Of course."
"Good, not just me then." Brittany ran her finger tips down Santana's side, settling her hand back on bare skin. "We don't have to do anything. A few sweet lady kisses and some private time in the shower and I can make it through just about anything."
She missed Santana's weight on top of her after. The feeling of nothing between them, of connection.
Santana's hand reached for Brittany's, guiding it slowly over her stomach. She was quiet, pressing it up her towards her breasts. Brittany's hand opened, cupping Santana lightly. She looked at Santana's face while she stroked with the pads of her fingers. Her other hand gripped the bedsheets, trying to keep her grounded. Santana's eyes closed, her heartbeat beginning to speed up in response to Brittany's touch. She opened her legs slightly, a wordless invitation for Brittany to settle over her.
Brittany moved slowly, giving Santana as much time to stop her as possible. She hadn't expected her question to spark this; more so she wanted to make sure she was still sexy to Santana. She settled over her, her lips instantly finding a small patch of freckles on Santana's neck. A throaty sigh escaped Santana's lips as she bared her neck to Brittany. She shifted again, relaxing under her, one hand slowly drifting up Brittany's side.
Brittany knew how to make Santana feel good. Years of training when she was at a healthy weight, an unhealthy one, when she was angry and drunk and when she was happy and sober and everything in between taught Brittany how to bring pleasure from the depth of Santana's being. She took her lip, her lips slowly marching across her throat.
"Mine," she whispered as her hand slowly moved under Santana's shirt.
This was definitely what Santana liked. Being talked to, hearing verbal affirmation paired with physical touch, was the sexiest, most connecting thing for her about being with Brittany in this way. Her spine rolled slightly up in response to her touch as she groaned again.
Brittany moved one hand between Santana and the bed, two fingers dragging up and down her spine.
"You are so beautiful," she whispered, her body starting to wake up from its long vacation. "Those black shorts you wore last night nearly make me rush to the bathroom. Total tease, baby."
Each of Santana's vertebrae rose and came back as her back continued to arch in an almost wave like motion with Brittany's touch, and she gasped in response to her, even giving a near hiss of enjoyment. She rocked her hips into Brittany's, fumbling for her wrist to wrap her fingers around it. She didn't pull Brittany's hand to her shorts' hemline, but she was open to her touching for sure.
Brittany moved her hand away from Santana's breast where it had been playing. She leaned back off of her enough to toss her own shirt on the floor before locking eyes with Santana.
"Can I take your top off? I really want to take your top off."
Santana nodded immediately, even lifting herself up on her elbows to try to assist her in having better access. Brittany tossed Santana's shirt on the floor next to hers.
"The best view of New York. That's what I have right now."
She bent down, placing wet open mouthed kisses all over Santana's chest. She loved her breasts, for years she had. The silicon having been removed only making her more attracted to Santana. She found the small scars, using her tongue to trace them.
Santana had always been self conscious of her breasts. She had thought them too small, embarrassingly so, when she was a young teenager, then, after having had implants, the condescension they had earned her had embarrassed her even more than their previous size had, to the point she had begged for her parents to remove them after only one year. Now the scars left, along with their renewed rather modest size, is something she is self conscious about as well. So for Brittany to still compliment and seem to genuinely find them attractive, even after all she's put them through, is something she appreciates.
Brittany was a fan of tits. Always had been. And there was no pair she had thought about, dreamed about, studied, more than Santana's. As her tongue traced over scars and around nipples, lips sucking softly and then not so softly, she found herself more and more turned on.
"My favorite things to play with. Even more than my iPad."
She winked up at Santana, lifting herself up to kiss her. Her breasts pressed against Santana's as her hand snaked between them, toying with the band of Santana's shorts.
Already Santana was getting pretty worked up. She was breathing audibly, and when Brittany kissed her she returned it enthusiastically, sucking on her tongue and lower lip and biting down not quite so playfully. She scratched her nails over Brittany's back and shoulders, pressing her closer to her.
"Do you want me to go down on you or use my hand?" Brittany asked, doing her best not to break the kiss.
She would enjoy either option. One offered a more explosive orgasm and the other the ability to kiss. Neither option would leave Santana unfulfilled, at least in Brittany's own opinion of her talents.
If she uses her hand, then she doesn't have to be separate from Brittany's mouth on other areas.
"Hand," Santana managed, muttering this into her mouth. She didn't want to pull back even to come up for air.
Again Brittany shifted, arching herself to give her room to push off her shorts and to pull down Santana's. Her fingers were slightly hesitant as they moved slowly around Santana's belly button, floating slowly southward.
"I'm crazy wet," she muttered against Santana's lips, nipping at her bottom lip.
Santana had already soaked through her underwear, without even being touched yet at all. Her hand twitched with the desire to reach to pull Brittany's hand down further.
"Someone is needy tonight," Brittany whispered as she stroked Santana over her underwear. She moved her fingers lightly, wanting to tease her a little bit. "Someone needs to get off with her girlfriend or she might explode, is that right?" Her lips moved to Santana's neck again as her hands lowered Santana's underwear.
Normally, the word "needy", even in the sexual sense, no matter how true it might be, would tense Santana up again, not liking the connotation. But tonight she was so turned on that even this didn't get to her like it normally would. She moaned again, gasping out Brittany's name as her nails dug into her skin. Brittany shifted herself so her underwear joined Santana's on the floor. A thigh moved between Santana's for her to grind on as fingers started to press between her thighs.
"I love you."
She started to suck on Santana's neck. The hand not touching Santana between her legs was used for both support to keep Brittany up and to rub Santana's spin near the spot between her shoulder blades.
"I haven't been this turned on in a year, maybe since that night in your room senior year. The night where I passed out for like 90 seconds after I came."
Santana rubbed herself nearly frantically against Brittany's thigh, sharp cries escaping her continuously now. Her juices were dampening Brittany's skin, slick against her, and as she lost more and more inhibition, she didn't care in the moment how open and vulnerable she really was, how she was putty in Brittany's grasp.
"Fuck …Santana…."
Brittany ground down against Santana's thigh. She took one of Santana's hands and slid it where she wanted it, pressing against her. She didn't move as franticly as Santana did, barely able to hold back from the near frantic pace Santana was demonstrating.
"You are so wet. Is it for me, are you wet because of me?" she asked, lips moving to glide over Santana's breasts.
"Fuck," Santana breathed, the words ragged with her rapid breaths, her chest heaving.
She slid two fingers inside Brittany, letting her guide her hand where she wanted it, as she continued to rock herself against Brittany at a fast pace, building friction until she was sure she really was about to explode. Brittany whimpered as she rolled and rocked her hips.
"Santana."
She kept breathing out her lover's name, wanting her to understand just who was causing such a reaction. She both wanted Santana to feel loved and she wanted her to feel sexy. Not always easy to do though grunts and finger thrusting.
"The first time I ever had a real orgasm it was with you… No one else knew how to touch me. No one can get me this wet. Just you. Always you."
It's this that pushed Santana over the edge. Hearing that Brittany, as many people as she's had sex with, has only really been turned on by her, sent a rush of adrenaline through her that ended in her climax, crying out Brittany's name. She squeezed her hips as she pushed up against her, wanting to feel herself as close to her as she can in this moment.
The press of Santana to her, the way her fingers hooked, the cry of her own name all compounded the arousal inside of Brittany. With a few second lag behind Santana she came, her mouth hanging open as she grunted Santana's name out, her hips moving as if she were on a dance floor. She slumped to Santana's chest, for a moment just laying limp.
Santana too remained limp and relaxed against Brittany as her breathing slowly began to even out, her body warm and pliant beneath the blonde's. She was smiling, her muscles occasionally twitching with delayed response to her pleasure...and then as her lazy, nearly stunned thoughts began to sharpen, anxiety began to stir.
She's just had sex with Brittany. She's had sex with Brittany for the first time in years, the first sex that's mattered in years, and it was amazing, just like she remembered. It was amazing and what if it never happened again? What if this was it? What did this even mean? What if they loved each other just as much as before, and she gave herself over to her feelings for her and she still lost her again, or if she lost herself and she wasn't good enough for her, she's too much for her, she pushes her away or makes it all wrong and it's all her fault?
As this panic began to flood through her veins, pushing up to choke her throat, tears started to stand behind Santana's eyes, and her lazy hold of Brittany became a clutch. She turned her head so her face was buried against her neck.
The suddenness of how quickly she was being clung to saddened Brittany more than it surprised her. She hoped the sex would cement how much she wanted Santana and not raise up fears of loss inside of her. She wrapped her arms around Santana and rolled them both over, wanting to put Santana on top where she wouldn't have to worry about her weight crushing her.
"I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I am in love with you. I am right where I want to be. I am your girlfriend. You are my girlfriend. We're safe Santana. You're safe."
Santana kept her face in Brittany's neck, a few tears escaping. She felt needy in a way she couldn't voice, and although she heard Brittany's words and tried to accept them, she was still teary, sniffling against her skin. She molded herself into her as close as she could get, her heart beating fast against the blonde's.
Brittany started to stroke up and down Santana's spine. The way she pressed now wasn't the way she pressed before to tease. She was doing it to soothe, to connect, to remind Santana she was real and solid.
"Well sometimes I go out by myself and I look across the water," She sang the words to the song she always sort of felt was their song.
Santana could feel the reverberation of Brittany's voice in her as she sang, against her own skin. She swallowed, her face still pressed against her, soaking up her warmth, and mouthed the next line against her skin. Brittany gave a small smile as she supplied the next line. She missed Santana's singing voice, feeling the warmth of her vocals. There was nothing to her sexier than Santana wearing one of her shirts, sitting on her bedroom floor with her, singing along to a song on one of their iPods.
Santana's grip on her loosened, and she relaxed gradually, the tears stopping. She didn't lift her face, though, and she didn't move away, wanting to remain tucked in against her. Brittany kept stroking her back much like she would have done to Lord Tubbington if he were laying on top of her.