I keep replaying it in my head.
"Who, who's Josh…?"
Amnesia. Josh has amnesia. This can't be happening.
Just to be sure, I pinch my arm. Nope, I'm awake.
Shit.
We were rushed, and then confined to this miserable, desolate waiting room once again.
I need to get some sleep, but I don't want to leave Josh. Fuck, he doesn't even know who I am.
"Jen, maybe you should go home and get some rest. You haven't been out of this hospital since we got here," Michelle says.
The need to escape suddenly overwhelms me. I give Michelle a nod, hug the rest of Josh's family, and then I get the fuck out of there as fast as possible.
Since I came here in the ambulance with Josh, I have to call a cab to get home. It is taking every ounce of strength within me to not curl up in a ball, and fall asleep in the back of this car.
When we arrive at my apartment, I pay the cab driver, plus an overly generous tip that I couldn't give two shits about. I practically run up the stairs until I get to my door.
As soon as I enter, I see the dent in the wall. The dent that was formed by Josh's strong fist. The dent from our fight.
I run to the shower, ripping off my clothes along the way. I turn the water on as hot as it goes, and step inside. Once again, tears are uncontrollably streaming down my face.
I stand there, the entire bathroom engulfed in the steam from the burning hot water running down my body.
Standing surrounded by this steam reminds me of shooting Catching Fire in Hawaii. The poisonous fog. When things got serious between Josh and I…
"You look fucking gross," Josh says to me, with a huge grin on his face.
"Thank you so much! Did I ever tell you how nice you were? Asshole."
He's talking about the poisonous pus blisters covering a significant amount of my body.
Between the blisters, running around, and falling a few times, I have to agree with Josh. I do look gross.
"I'm playing zombie too," Josh says like a little kid, and makes his best zombie noise.
I laugh, and want to play more, but we have to keep shooting.
Things between Josh and I were just starting to get serious in Hawaii, so we were ten times more goofy around everyone, to distract them from our personal lives, and to keep what was private, private.
Later that night, after our last day of shooting, Josh knocks on my hotel room door. When I open it, he has a serious look on his face.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"Jennifer, will you be my girlfriend?" Josh blurts out.
I'm shocked, and thrilled, but scared all at the same time. I want this, but I'm terrified that if the public finds out, they will quickly ruin this for us.
After a few seconds of hesitation, I reply, "Josh.. of course."
He walks me over to the bed, and we sit down. "I have something to give you," he says.
"Since we're done shooting now, I took this. I want you to have it, as a remembrance of our time here in Hawaii." He gives me a huge grin as he hands me his gift.
Peeta's medallion.
My eyes start to fill up. I can't believe this. I don't understand why it took us this long to realize our compatibility, and how good we are for each other.
"Thank you so much," I say, as he plays with my long, brown hair.
I give him a hug, and then we fall back on the bed while kissing…
My head shoots up, and I break out of my daydream.
Peeta's medallion.
Leaving the water running, I jump out of the shower as fast as I can in search of the medallion. I know it's in my apartment somewhere.
I have the sudden desire to find everything that reminds me of Josh; clothing, photographs, the medallion. I have to find that medallion.
I'm ripping apart every drawer in my bedroom, my clothes falling to the ground wherever they land. I know it's in here somewhere.
Finally, in my bottom nightstand drawer, I see the gold medallion. I pick it up and put it over my head, and around my neck as fast as possible.
I wander around the room, in search of clothes that belong to Josh. I end up putting on a pair of his sweat pants, and one of his plaid button downs. For some odd reason, being in his clothes is bringing me comfort.
I wander back into the bathroom, turn off the water in the shower that I left on, and stare at myself in the mirror.
His clothes are too big on me, but I don't care. I stare at my tear stained cheeks, and my red eyes. My appearance couldn't mean any less to me than it does at this exact moment.
I pull my wet, short hair back into a ponytail, and slip the ring back on my finger.
This is the last thing I have from Josh. I'm not taking it off any time soon.
I continue to stare at my disheveled self in the mirror; Josh's oversized pants and shirt, Peeta's medallion, and the ring. It is now that I realize that I've never felt this immense amount of sadness before.
I slither into my bed, and close my eyes. After what seems like an eternity, I drift off to sleep.
I wake with a jolt, and a sudden feeling of panic.
Why am I in an empty bed? Where's Josh?
I catch a glimpse of the ring on my left hand, then remember everything that happened.
The fight, the accident, the ring, Josh waking up, the amnesia.
I have to get back to the hospital. I should have never left him. I promised him I'd stay by his side, and that I wasn't going anywhere. But I left.
I jump out of bed as fast as I can, and run to my car. I have to get back to Josh.
The twenty-minute car ride to the hospital felt like three days, but I've finally arrived. When I get there, I see Josh's family is still sitting in the little waiting room, so I decide to join them again.
"Hey guys," I say. They give me strange looks, and I realize I'm still wearing Josh's clothes. They don't match, and are a few sizes too big on me. Oh well.
"Uh, yeah. I kind of wanted to wear some of his clothes. I hope you don't mind…"
"No, honey, you wear whatever makes you feel comfortable," Michelle says.
We all sit down, in silence, and I stare at the beautiful gold medallion hanging around my neck. This means so much to both Josh and I. I have to keep it close to me.
The same goes for this ring. Although he never officially gave it to me, I still feel an overwhelming attachment to it, and I have no plans to take it off any time in the near future.
Dr. Andrews knocks lightly on the open door, and asks our permission to enter the room.
"Oh good, you're all here. We've finished running tests on Josh, and I have his final diagnosis."
We all stare at Dr. Andrews with wide eyes. Just tell us. Rip the band-aid off, and get it over with.
"Josh has Retrograde Amnesia. It is when someone is unable to recall events that occurred before the development of the amnesia."
We're all silent, urging Dr. Andrews to continue.
"Josh suffered some severe cranial trauma, and retrograde amnesia usually follows damage to areas of the brain other than the hippocampus, which is the part involved in encoding new memories. Which is why Josh is able to encode and memorize new things at this point, he just can't remember anything before his accident."
Michelle, Chris, Connor, and I all stare at each other, unable to form any thoughts, let alone a response to Dr. Andrews.
"I'll give you some time, but Josh is awake if you want to go in his room, and try talking to him. Take your time," he says politely, and then leaves the room.
We all agree that we should go see Josh, and finally find out how bad this really is.
In the doorway of Josh's room I see him lying in his bed. The back of the bed is tilted upward slightly, and he is flipping through the TV channels.
His family enters the room, and I watch them introduce themselves to him. It is completely heartbreaking.
I make eye contact with him, and now I'm forced to enter. I bite my lip, and walk into the room as slowly as possible.
I am so anxious. What am I supposed to say to him? I have to keep reminding myself not to cry, not in front of him.
"Hi," he says, and gives me a shy smile.
This is going to be harder than I thought. At least amnesia Josh is just as much of a sweetheart as the Josh I know and love so deeply.
"Hi, I'm your…" Fuck, I freeze up. I don't know what to tell him. "…friend, Jennifer." Of course I can't tell him that I'm his girlfriend. I don't want to freak him out any more than he already is.
"Beautiful name for a beautiful girl," he says, now flashing his beautiful crooked smile.
I give him a small smile back, not able to take my eyes off the floor.
"I'm sorry. Hi Jennifer, I'm Josh…but you.. already know that…" His face is turning red.
"I'm sorry, this is just all so confusing."
"Don't worry about it, it's okay. We'll figure this out." I try and reassure him.
We both smile at each other, and as I bring my hand up to brush some loose hairs out of my face, I see him catch a glimpse of the ring.
Fuck.
"Oh, that's a very pretty ring. You're engaged?" he asks.
Fuck.
"He must be a very lucky guy."
Fuck.