Let it be known that this chapter never let its fictional charges go hungry.

Food, Glorious Food

Phone the doctors. Secretary informs me that there are no appointments left this week. The surgery has only been open for half an hour…

Am about to explain the full and horrifying nature of my situation when she comes up with a cancellation, this afternoon at 1:30.

Clearly the fates understand the needs of crazy people.

Squall is sitting outside the bathroom. At a passing glance, it might look like he's trying to meditate but I can see his hands pressed into the carpet beside him and sweat beaded on his brow.

He needs to use the little boy's room badly.

"Just so you know, when he does come out, you can go first," I tell him, flashing him a pitying smile.

He tries to give me the glare that I am already beginning to know and love but in his current state, the expression is all wrong. One eye has started twitching.

Spin round and meander downstairs before he can find the will to stand up and whack me. Halfway down, a wonderful smell meets my nostrils and I breathe in deep.

Bacon. Cooking bacon.

I don't own bacon.

Tentatively enter decrepit kitchen, afraid that somehow this phantom bacon is another sign of progressing insanity but Cloud is standing over the stove (useable today apparently, why not yesterday I'll never know), apron tied around his mercenary gear.

He has a serene look on his face.

Dear god, where did he get that bacon?

A couple of doors down from us, we have a neighbour that loves cats. She is your typical cat lady, lonely, widowed, huge house to herself, lavender coloured hair where she tried to have it dyed to look younger…

All in all, I think the number of cats she owns totals somewhere in the twenties and they can often be found scampering through my back garden in pursuit of butterflies or to crap on my tulips.

This may seem like a pointless factual interlude but with our current breakfast options I'm beginning to think that Cloud holds the same philosophy about the food chain as the less successful fast food places in our neighbourhood.

"Where did you get that bacon?"

"It was in the fridge."

"You're lying aren't you? There was nothing in there…I know this, I check it every day in hopes that someone did the shopping for me."

"It must be your lucky day then."

Stare at Cloud with huge bug eyes but it's hard to take someone seriously when they're looking at you with a hard ass expression and a 'kiss the cook' apron on. I march over to the fridge and open the door.

Scream at contents.

"Now what did you do?"

"Nothing, I simply pointed out that her fridge is full."

"Full of…what?"

"Food, regular food. You don't have to sound so suspicious."

"You blew up the kitchen yesterday! Of course I am going to be suspicious!"

"She was going to hit me with a bat."

"Whatever."

Squall steps towards me and taps me hesitantly on the shoulder. I'm still stuck, my eyes and mouth agape, in front of the open fridge.

I have honestly never seen so much food in my life and its not just jars upon jars of pickled eggs or pro-biotic yoghurts that I never end up eating, actual food…like you see in the movies.

There's butter and cheese, fruit and veg, a whole chicken defrosting nicely on the bottom shelf…there are even condiments.

"W-what is this trickery?" I spit out, pointing my accusing finger at the terrible, wonderful sight before me. As soon as he sees that I'm okay, Squall goes back to his solitary occupation of waiting for Tidus to get out of the bathroom.

"It's called 'online delivery'," Cloud tells me, breaking sarcastic ground all across the land.

"How the hell did you pay for all this?"

Cloud goes back to the bacon which is starting to burn and flips it, concentration 100% focused on the task at hand.

I can feel my blood pressure rising.

"How. Did. You. Pay. For all this?"

Cloud mutters something, pressing down on the sizzling bacon so I don't hear. He tips it out on a plate with some French toast, presenting it to me.

Oh no, you can't distract me, my heart rate has already quadrupled, I can't even smell that bacon anymore.

"What did you-

There's an explosion upstairs.

My first instinct, after years of watching fire safety videos in Junior School, is to stop, drop and roll.

Unfortunately, this would neither be useful nor rational in this situation.

My second instinct, after progressing to higher education and experiencing many impromptu fire alarms at the crack of 4am, is to flee. Screw the valuables; screw the living, breathing hallucinations, just run for your life.

This is a much more sensible reaction but still not the one I'm going to go with.

My final instinct is to storm right up those stairs and pummel whoever's fault this is to within an inch of his life.

This is just what I do.

I have built up a fine head of steam as I advance through the smog drifting down from the upstairs hallway, fists clenched mercilessly at my side.

I can see a silhouette through the smoke at the end of the hall, a huge muscular figure…

That isn't Squall is it?

The muscular figure appears to be on fire.

"OH MY GOD!"

Tackle smoke shrouded figure to the ground and start beating at him with my dressing gown to try and put him out. There's a lot of howling and protesting but eventually, most of the fire goes out and I am left sitting bleary eyed on top of…

On top of…

"Get off of me mortal."

Whimper.

Strong hands slip underneath my arms and drag me back so the creature in front of me can move. It's a huge orange beast with a fiery mane and beady black eyes. There's a strong lion-like inspiration to its features. Its chest is bare and still smoking in places, there are gold shackles around it's wrists.

It has very sharp looking teeth.

"Are you okay?" Tidus' form temporarily blocks out the petrifying visual before me, the blue of his eyes cutting through the black smoke.

"Hmnuh," I manage by the way of a response.

Behind Tidus, Ifrit, the fire demon, picks up the blackened remains of the bathroom door and shoves it back into the door frame.

"Wh-

"Squall got a bit impatient," Tidus tells me sheepishly.

I can hear the creak of the bathroom floorboards as someone moves around inside.

When he gets out of there I am going to do something so unspeakable to him that he will wish he never has to relieve himself again.

Ifrit's fiery mane is burning my ceiling as he holds the bathroom door for his master.

"They're completely unstoppable, wild, I'm not going to have anything left to show the landlord by the time they're finished with it! It's not like I can afford hefty repair fees on top everything else I have to pay out at the moment!"

The cat sitting on my budding daffodils blinks a sultry blink.

There is an uncomfortable pause.

"You know, you really shouldn't be hanging around here, I'm not entirely sure about the 'magic food' in my fridge. I mean when would the guy have delivered? I heard nothing."

The cat doesn't share my paranoia. It must be quite difficult to empathise when you're used to having food magically appear in front of you two or three times a day.

Instead, it arches its back, stretching and pads towards me, purring when I reach out to stroke it.

"I'm glad someone listens to me," I mumble as the cat lays down beside me to rub its head against my leg, in apparent bliss.

I raise an eyebrow at the cat and then purposefully raise the other one. I refuse to acknowledge the occupational hazard of absorbing gestures that comes with sharing close living quarters with hallucinations and I refuse to be taken in by their Final Fantasy charm.

Let out huge, long suffering sigh.

"Do you charge by the hour?"

And so like most things, this chapter has come to an end. The destruction caused, the food unconsumed and the reviews left will remain in our hearts forever.