Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.

A Path Through the Dark

Chapter Four

Michaela looked over at the clock surprised to see how late it was. She rubbed her temples, wishing that her headache would dissipate soon. She had not slept well since the confrontation with Sully and the lack of sleep was beginning to take its toll on her. She gathered the papers that were spread out on her desk and closed them up in their proper folder. This could wait for tomorrow.

As she put the folder into her corner filing cabinet, her eyes wandered over the photos that dotted her bookshelves. There was one of her and her father, taken just after she'd graduated medical school. An old familiar stab of grief pierced her heart and she swallowed hard to stop the tears. Quickly she turned her attention to a different photo – a picture of her holding a little girl.

The girl's name was Avery and she had been diagnosed with leukemia only two days after her third birthday. Michaela was the admitting doctor in the ER when Avery had come in with a nose bleed that her parents couldn't stop. She had broken the news of the girl's condition and then gotten them in with one of the top oncologists in Boston. Every time Avery was in the Children's Hospital, Michaela visited with her. The photo was taken the day that Avery's family was given the news she was officially in remission.

This was the thing Michaela missed being Chief of Surgery – the contact with people. She knew she was making a difference in her current position but it was hard at times to see it. This wasn't the first time Michaela had wondered if she made the right decision to take this position. It had been too big of an honor to turn down though. She shook her head. It was definitely time to call it a night.

She gathered her bag and was just about to turn her desk lamp off when a knock at her office door interrupted her. She sighed, hoping that whoever was on the other side didn't need more than her signature.

Michaela opened the door and frowned. "Will?"

"I saw your light was still on and took a chance. You got a minute?" He was smiling and it made Michaela suspicious.

"I was actually about to head out." Will brushed past her into the office as she spoke, completely ignoring what she way saying. Michaela watched him wide mouthed as he made himself comfortable in one of her leather chairs. "But I guess I could stay for a bit longer."

"Good," Will said, still smiling from ear to ear. "I'm really glad you joined us for group the other night."

Michaela sat back down behind her desk and slouched slightly in her chair. "Is this a professional or personal call?"

Will considered her question for a moment and then smiled again. "A personal call in a professional capacity."

"That's what I was afraid of," Michaela sighed crossing her arms over her chest. "Has David been after you to talk to me?"

"No," he said but Michaela looked skeptical. "Honestly, Michaela. I am here of my own accord." Michaela looked at him dubiously but didn't argue. "I always check up on my group members. You can ask any of them."

"I plan to," Michaela joked making Will laugh. She finally relaxed a little and even smiled at the psychiatrist.

"Seriously," Will began, "how are you?"

Michaela shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know." She looked down considering her hands as she spoke. "I felt a little better the other night after group but…" Her voice drifted off as she tried to figure out how to tell Will what had transpired with Sully the day before.

"But?"

"But I don't think this is going to work."

In typical doctor fashion, Will remained calm and turned her statement into a question. "Why don't you think this it going to work?"

Michaela felt exasperated and laid her head back against her chair. She knew the answer to this question but admitting was a different story. "Because I don't want it to work." There. She had said it and she wasn't sorry that she had.

Will didn't smile for which Michaela was grateful. Instead he rubbed his chin, considering his next words carefully. "I'm going to let you in on a little secret." He paused raising an eyebrow at Michaela. "No one wants it to work." Michaela wrinkled her forehead as she listened. "Because if it works – it means you forget and you don't want to forget. Right?"

"I just want to go back to how things were."

"I know and you aren't alone. Everyone at group wants to go back to how things were. Loss is change and humans don't really like change."

Michaela's mouth curled into a crooked smile. "I know that," she said thinking of all the resistance she had faced to the few changes she had introduced at Mercy. "And everything you are saying – I've said the same thing to patients of mine or to families of my patients. I am used to telling people about change but I suppose I am not very good at change myself."

"Few of us are." Will leaned forward in his chair. "Have you talked to Sully?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Umm…." Michaela sucked in sharply. "I get the impression that Sully isn't too keen on having me as a buddy." Will laughed which made Michaela frown. "I am taking you've already heard about our incident."

"I don't think there is anyone in the hospital who hasn't heard about it." Michaela shook her head but smiled. "Give it a little time," Will advised. "I promise – his bark is worse than his bite."

"The bark is bad enough," Michaela laughed and Will joined in.

"I know," he said, "But he really needs someone ."

"I am not sure that someone is me."

Will smiled sympathetically. "Will you stick with him for now Michaela? I promise you there is a method to my madness. "

Michaela nodded even though she wasn't sure Sully would agree. "But only if you agree to talk to Sully."

"I'll talk to him."

If Michaela was nervous her first night of group, it was nothing compared to how she felt the second night. It took every fiber of her being to make the journey down the hall of the community center to the dreaded room. The only reason she convinced herself to come was that she had agreed to read Colleen's college essays. The young girl was bringing them tonight so that they could meet this coming weekend to talk about them.

She had also promised Will not to give up on Sully yet. This she wasn't sure about but Michaela was never one to break a promise. The room looked much the same as last week when she arrived. Her eyes scanned the room and she felt herself tense when she saw Sully sitting alone, staring at the floor.

Sully raised his head and their eyes met. He swallowed and attempted a smile. It didn't quite work but Michaela recognized the gesture. She raised her own hand and gave a little wave, although the tension never left her body. Sully was just about to stand when the redhead ambushed the doctor. He relaxed back into his seat to wait for after the meeting.

"Hi," Colleen said, excitement visible in her eyes.

Michaela smiled widely. "Hi," she said, glad for this distraction. "Do you have something for me?"

Colleen groaned. "I do but I'm nervous."

"Don't be. I'm not the college admission officer. I am on your side, remember."

The redhead nodded and held out a flash drive. "There in the folder marked college essays. Each essay is named by the college."

Michaela took the flash drive and tucked it into her pocket. "Ten on Saturday, right?"

Colleen nodded. "I can't thank you enough for doing this."

"It's my pleasure," Michaela replied and then realized that everyone was taking their seats. Colleen was already moving back to sit beside Matthew, her brother and Michaela simply followed her. The room looked different from this vantage point and so did the people or perhaps it was just knowing their stories that was different. Will was already talking, something Michaela didn't realize until about two minutes in but she tried to make sense of what he was saying.

"The holidays magnify our grief. Family gatherings often serve as painful reminders of the absences of our loved ones. As we approach the holidays, I want to give you tools to help deal with the many emotions that this holiday season might bring. I'd like to start by having you share what your biggest concern is about the holidays. Any volunteers?"

Eyes automatically went to the floor as silence was the only answer to the doctor's question. Will waited though, he wasn't going to volunteer anyone. The silence was unsettling to Michaela and she lifted her head to speak when another voice beat her to it.

"That Hannah's gonna die."

Every eye in the room went to Sully. He was still looking at the floor but everyone knew his voice.

"I worry about that everyday but I don't want Thanksgiving or Christmas to always be the holiday that I remember as the day she died."

Will was nodding his head with that little doctor smile that showed how pleased he was Sully had shared. "Anyone else?"

"It's another Christmas without children." It was Grace's voice this time. Her eyes were still on Sully as she spoke. "I hate going into stores at Christmas and seeing all the things to buy for kids. I hate the commercials and I hate the catalogs. It's just like a big blinking neon sign that our house is so empty."

Will was truly smiling now and Michaela thought how bizarre that psychiatrists got all excited about other people sharing their pain. She watched as Robert E. took Grace's hand and patted it. A small sigh escaped her lips. How nice it must be to share this process with someone who understood what you were going through.

"I know what you mean Grace." It was Horace this time, his large eyes pooling with tears. "I know my daughter is still alive but she's spending Christmas with her mom. They're going to some big ski resort so I won't even get to see her until our regular visit in January. It's going to be so lonely."

"The holidays can feel very lonely," Will chimed in. "And that is why it's important to only do what you feel you can handle. You have to get through each day and if you can't handle a family gathering that's okay. The important thing is you get through that day." Will looked around. "Is anyone worried about dealing with their family during this time?" Michaela felt herself nod without really thinking about it. "Would you like to share Michaela?"

Michaela felt betrayed by her own body but she swallowed and began. "My family will be acting like everything is normal. And if anyone even acts like their grieving my mother will say something like – Christmas is about children. Don't ruin it for them, Michaela." The doctor frowned; she hadn't meant her response to be so personal.

"You all have to give yourself permission to feel however your feel. Don't let others dictate how you should feel during the holidays." Will's eyes never left Michaela's face as he spoke. "Your emotions are your own and there is no timeline for feeling better."

Colleen turned her head so that she could see Michaela. "It's funny. Matthew and I have decided to focus on Brian to take our mind off of the fact that Mom won't be there. Brian gets so excited at Christmas and we don't want him to lose that."

Will shrugged. "That is exactly what I mean about doing what feels right for you. For some concentrating on the children will help. For others," Will's eyes scanned the far side of the room, "that isn't a good idea. I think the best thing you can do is begin to think about the holidays now. Make some plans so that your grief won't be unbearable." He smiled as he scanned the circle. "This journey isn't easy but remember you are not alone. Use your buddy this holiday – they can help." His eyes met Michaela's as he spoke and Michaela felt her cheeks redden. "Okay so your homework this week is to think about Thanksgiving and make a plan. I expect everyone to have something to share next week." There was the compulsory groan from the group accompanying the word share. "See you next week."

The words were barely out of Will's mouth when Michaela realized that Sully was moving in her direction. She stood somewhat off balance, glad he couldn't hear how quickly her heart was beating. She wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans and cleared her throat as their eyes met.

"Michaela?" His voice was gentle and uncertain.

"Yes." The word was dry and stuck in her mouth but she tried to say it with confidence.

"I just wanted to say…" he paused, dropping his eyes and Michaela could see he felt ashamed at how he had behaved. Any fear or residual anger melted away and compassion took its place.

"Sully, it's okay," she said quickly trying to ease the situation.

"I had no right to bust in on your meeting or to say the things I said."

Michaela took a deep breath. "No, you didn't," she said matter of factly. "But I shouldn't have visited Hannah without speaking with you first. If I was Horace or Colleen," she motioned at them with her hand as she spoke, "I would not have been given a pass to the NICU."

Sully met her eyes again, surprised at her words. "Thanks," he said, studying her in an unnerving way.

Michaela nodded. "Truce then?"

"Truce." Sully stuck out his hand and she took it giving it a firm shake. "See ya next week."

"See you," she said as he began to walk away. She turned to see Will smiling at her expectantly. She smiled back and gave a nod of her head. Michaela still wasn't sure that they were going to be the best of friends but this was at least a start.

Sorry for the delay in posting – I ended up combining two chapters to help the flow. Plus this was new furniture week at our house so lots of moving things around