AN: Nothing but fluff

Chapter 4: Confessions

Rain growled and crumpled the letter she had been writing. It was easily her sixth or seventh attempt but each time she tried the words just didn't seem to be coming out right. She felt a whuff of breath over her shoulders and looked up to see Shurika staring at her.

"Oh don't give me that look at least I'm trying," Rain muttered as she tossed the paper into a pile with the others and started chewing on the end of her pen instead. It had become clear to her over the past few months that Alistair's feelings for her had changed just as Amai had suggested they would. Even the monsters had picked up on it. Akairo and Ginouji with curiosity, Raiden with excitement whenever they were together, and finally Shurika and Seiva with unrelenting teasing or exasperation whenever the subject came up.

They had always been close and at first Rain might have missed the signs completely if not for Amai's words making her stop and think. Now however Alistair's behavior and awkwardness around her had gotten more obvious.

"I just..." Rain started and then sighed heavily. "I don't want to push her to hard if she isn't ready you know? As far as I know she's always been straight. Maybe she needs time to figure things out. Maybe there are other things going on that she has to deal with and hasn't told me about yet," she said but even then it sounded weak.

Shurika snorted and nudged her shoulder before making her sound for Alistair and then lifting her head and making a curious sound as if she spotted something. Her message was clear.

Talk to her and you'll find out.

"I know, I know," Rain muttered and put the stack of papers aside. This letter writing clearly wasn't going anywhere anyway. "Maybe I should. I mean Alistair has always been the one to come to me when she's upset, right? Maybe she needs me to be the one to come to her first this time and if she doesn't want to talk yet then at least she'll know how I feel," she said and Shurika thrummed happily. To bad that still didn't help to settle her nerves.

Rain had been seeing Alistair's therapist over the past five months as well and he had helped her to work through a lot of her pain and emotions. He was helping her see how to heal and move on from what she had been through. One thing he brought up was that she could stand to be more assertive. She was always there for Alistair when she needed help, always listened to her or comforted her when she needed it, but Rain also needed to get better at speaking up when she needed to say something, or wanted help, or just needed to get something off her chest. It sounded great at the appointment but putting it into practice was proving more difficult.

"I can't believe I'm actually thinking of going to Amai for advice," Rain stated and Shurika gave her a look of clear disbelief. "Yeah me too, but if Alistair isn't confident enough to say anything yet then I need to do something to show that I feel the same way about her... once I figure out what that is," she took the pen out of her mouth and gathered up the crumpled letters before standing up.

"So did you..." Rain asked only to turn around just in time to see Shurika stretch her neck out and roll on her back, wriggling around and covering herself in sand.

"I was going to ask if you wanted me to scrub you down today but I'll take that as a no," Rain observed as Shurika rested on her side and sighed in contentment. She hummed noncommittally and kept her eyes closed as Rain walked over and gave the abyssal lagiacrus an affectionate kiss on the nose.

"I'll see you later then. Hopefully with good news," she added before walking back to the house. It was getting to be later in the afternoon and she was grateful to get out of the heat and back into the shade. The shop was already closed up for the day and they had done a fair amount of business so she really needed to finish up the sales sheets anyway.

Alistair was with her therapy group at the moment after which she had an appointment with her therapist and finally she was making a trip to the local spa. Amai had taken all the little monsters down to the beach to hunt and Seiva had gone with them to help babysit and serve as a bodyguard. They had left early and should be back soon. Hopefully she would have a chance to talk to Amai before Alistair got back home.

"I'm back!"

Rain lifted her head from going over her daily sales sheets from the shop and saw Amai walking in with a bag in one hand. Since Seiva had elected to go with them she had dressed casually rather then in full armor, trusting the white lagiacrus scare off what few monsters might be in the area.

"Little ones are all fed and curled up together for a nap. We did have a curious sharq swim up but apparently Raiden's electricity is stronger then I thought because he knocked it clean out with one hit and dragged it out of the water with help from Ginouji and Akairo. Seiva finished it off before it could wake back up though. Ginouji and Akairo loved it but Raiden made a face and went back to zapping and eating fish so I doubt they'll be tasting sharq again unless they catch it themselves," Amai explained as she walked into the kitchen.

"Did you eat yet? I caught and cleaned a bunch of fish while I was out as well. Thought they might make a nice dinner," Amai said lifting the bag.

"No not yet, I was trying to finish up some stuff for the shop. Bills, expenses, taxes, boring adult stuff," Rain said with a smile as Amai made a face.

"I'm going to get changed and then fry up some and make a stew out of the others. It'll keep for a few days if no one eats it today," Amai said as she put the bag in the sink.

Rain tried not to fidget but obviously didn't try hard enough because Amai paused and stared at her for a moment.

"Unless... you needed something first?" Amai asked hesitantly.

Rain waved her way, trying to hide her blush all the while.

"Just... wanted some advice... about... umm... Alistair," Rain said her voice falling into a mumble at the end. She knew her face was burning by now.

"Oh?" Amai said curiously before her eyes widened in realization. "Oh! Well it's about time you two figured it out. You've been driving me crazy with all these looks across the room and dancing around each other," she said even as she hooked a stool with her foot and dragged it over. Setting it beside Rain she hopped up and drummed her fingers on the counter.

"Advice. Got it. What can I help you with today?" Amai asked.

Rain sighed and pushed her papers away.

"I just... I'm not sure what to do. She's always been the one who comes to me when something is bothering her but that clearly isn't going to happen this time. I know she's tried several times to bring it up but keeps backing out or we get interrupted and she loses her nerve. I want to let her know that... that I care about her. That I've thought about this and I want to... to," Rain stopped and cleared her throat, deeply embarrassed.

"To what? If you're having trouble admitting you want to be with her because of everything you've already been through I get it. But don't sit there and tell me you don't know at all because that is the last thing Alistair needs to hear," Amai said firmly.

"What? No! I wouldn't do that to her. I do know. I'm not... it's just..." Rain started only to be cut off.

"Look you wanted advice so I'm going to give it to you," Amai told her. "You know how we do things back home in my community among the tribes there? Because relationships are a really big deal. Marriages even more so. We depend on each other and on our close knit ties to keep us alive in some incredibly harsh conditions. So if someone from another community is interested in someone from ours then the parents and elders on both sides will get together to talk and make arrangements. What kind of person are they? Have they ever gotten in trouble? Who do they associate with? Are they a hard worker? Stuff like that. If both sides are generally well standing members of their tribe then the couple is encouraged to go ahead and start courting each other. They've never stopped anyone from seeing each other but they might... strongly dissuade them in rare cases. Dating I think people call it here?" she paused for a moment and then waved her hand.

"Anyway for a person that isn't well known the parents and elders all want to take the time to get to know them. It's a wonderful, thrilling occasion when there is a potential marriage floating about but it's also a serious matter to have someone from another tribe join our community or to have someone we know leave us," Amai paused for a moment and gave a happy sigh.

"I remember how excited everyone was when my older sister said a man from a neighboring tribe had approached her," Amai got lost in thought for a moment before shaking her head.

"Sorry, where was I? Oh, right! That's if someone is a stranger. Do you know what we do if two people within our community decide they want to be in a relationship? People who have already known each other for at least several years? People who have been a part of our community for a significant amount of time? People whose family histories with the tribe go back so far you can hear still the bones creak when someone brings their history up?" Amai said and Rain shook her head.

"The elders announce their engagement and they have three months to decide if they want to go through with it and get married," she explained with a sage nod.

Rain frowned slightly. She had never heard of anything like that before.

"Really?"

"Really."

"That's it?"

"This isn't a stranger. This isn't a person down the road that you know of vaguely because they wave at you when you leave the house. These are people who have helped you survive some of the worst winters, the longest cold spells and were there during the best summers and the biggest harvests. People whose lives depend on their ability to work together and be there to support each other. If you don't have a reasonable idea of whether or not you're interested in a long term relationship with them after all that history then you shouldn't be approaching them for one in the first place," Amai shrugged and added, "I mean you have to realize I'm from a place where the next closest tribe is several days or a few weeks travel on foot away. We don't really have many options for dating or courtship the way people in a big city would do it. It's... it's a totally different way of life."

Amai fell silent her expression turning sad and pensive before she took a deep breath and looked Rain straight in the eye.

"That engagement period isn't just for them to be alone and stare at the sunset over the mountains either. They're expected to seriously talk to each other. Do they want kids? Which tribe will they stay with? His or hers? Will he continue with the job he has or does he want to apprentice to someone else? Same goes for her. Will she keep her current job or would he rather support her alone? Is she okay with doing that or would she rather keep working? Do they want to move out of the mountains entirely as some, like me, have done or stay there? How will they deal with disagreements over household matters?" Amai said with an eyebrow raised.

"Alistair isn't a stranger who caught your eye on the street or someone from another village or city. She's your best friend. She's been there for you as a kid when you first became friends, after you came out, after your parents disowned you and since losing Storm and Sakala. You've been there as her best friend since she was a kid. You were there when she first became a hunter, when she got married, when she lost her husband and her baby, when that hospital tried to help her and instead resulted in her barely able to take care of herself for months. You didn't hesitate when she said she needed a place to stay and you're here for her now helping her get back on her feet after what, six months?" Amai stopped and took another breath.

"You guys have a lot to talk about. A whole lot to talk about and a lot of baggage that needs to be gone through and examined thoroughly," she said honestly. "But you've also known her all your life. Or the majority of it anyway. You've helped her through some of the worst periods of her life. That's enough time and experience to be able to make a firm decision if you're interested in going further with this and looking seriously at a long term commitment. If not then she needs to know that. She deserves to know that and she deserves to know it now," Amai finally concluded and them made a face.

"I totally sounded like my mom there didn't I? I think I'm reaching that point in life where I finally understand some of the life experience stuff they told me as a kid. Wow that's scary," Amai said with a grimace. "Also you can talk now," she added with a slightly embarrassed smile.

"I'm not entirely sure what to say after being blindsided like that," Rain admitted and rubbed her neck. "But I did ask you for advice and you certainly gave it to me," she added with a sigh. "I think... I think there's a lot for me to think about before Alistair gets back but... you're right. Whatever the case I've known her long enough to give her a straight answer. She deserves that anyway," she agreed before giving Amai an approving look.

"When did you grow up so fast?" she asked making Amai blush.

"I've just... been doing a lot of thinking lately about my parents about the tribe elders and about all they tried to teach me. I understand so much better now why they don't approve of Guild Hunters and why they limit contact with outsiders. With those who aren't from other native tribes I mean. I understand why they worry about how many are leaving and if their way of life is going to keep lasting another few generations. I just... I just wish I had realized all of this before I left home, not afterwards," Amai said with a heavy sigh.

"I... I want to go home. Not to stay, but to see everyone again. To clear the air and ask them to forgive me for leaving the way I did. I do still want to keep working with the Guild but I also need to see my family again. It's been long enough," Amai said hesitantly.

"I think that's a great idea. If you need help getting transport back to the northern mountains and then here again then I'd be happy to help pay for it. You've been a big help to Alistair. I want to do something to help repay you for that," Rain offered and added, "And don't start in on how you can't accept it. Just say yes and start packing your bags."

Amai flushed but leaped up to hug her anyway.

"Thank you so much! I do appreciate it even if I feel bad accepting. I'll get my tickets tomorrow!" Amai said already excited to go.

"Hey I'm back!"

They turned at the sound of Alistair's voice and Rain took a deep breath to steady her nerves.

"Now or never right?" Rain asked and Amai patted her on the back.

"You've raised three lagiacrus, you can do this no problem!" she said encouragingly but Rain was a whole lot less sure of herself.

Well this is off to a great start, Rain thought as she swallowed hard and glanced over at Alistair who looked just as uncomfortable as she turned a seashell over in her hands. They were sitting by the water's edge in the backyard. The sun was setting most of the monsters were sleeping and Amai was back on the patio reading a book. Alistair and her were supposed to be talking but so far they had only managed to sit there in awkward silence.

So much for talking things out, Rain grimaced and scratched her head. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat.

"I... um... I guess I'm supposed to go first. That's what the therapist has been telling me. Be more assertive and all that. Thanks for, um... recommending that I go see him too. It really has been helping," Rain started hesitantly.

"I'm glad. You seem more at ease now. Like you're carrying less weight around. It feels that way to me too. I mean we both still have a long way to go but... it's been getting better hasn't it?" Alistair asked her eyes still fixed on the seashell in her hands.

"It has definitely. I know I'm starting to feel better then I have in years and I can see the change in you as well. A change for the better," Rain agreed. Another silence fell between them until finally Rain summoned up her courage the way she was supposed to be doing from the start.

"My dad and I never had the... best relationship. That goes for both of my parents and all of my relatives except for Storm really. But I remember him telling me once that relationships don't make you happy. They can only add to what you already have. They can add to your happiness, but you cant expect things to magically get better just because you love someone. It takes work on both sides. Work, communication and compromise every step of the way," Rain said quoting her dad. It was one of the few fond memories she had of him and she held on to it tightly.

"People's problems don't go away just because you love them. Whatever they are dealing with is still going to be there no matter how much you care about them... no matter how much you love them. But caring about them can make that load easier to bear," Rain stopped and let out a shaky breath.

"And I care about you Alistair and I... I do want us to be more then just friends. I don't expect your problems to ever go away completely and that's fine. I understand that and I could never care about you any less because of it. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy and I hope that... well... maybe I could add to that happiness if you'll let me," she finally finished.

For a long, agonizing moment Alistair was completely silent and she still had yet to look up.

"I got a letter from the Guild about a month ago," Alistair said abruptly. "It was a warning that if I didn't accept a quest within the next couple of weeks the Guild Knights would come to investigate whether my status as a hunter should remain in effect... or if it should be revoked," she continued her voice thick with emotion.

"If a hunter doesn't take on a quest for six months for reasons other then personal or medical leave then their mental status and capabilities as a hunter are thoroughly reviewed. I've been getting help but I technically haven't been on medical or personal leave from the Guild. They're required to investigate now and my therapist said he's... he's going to recommend that I be taken off. Permanently," she stopped and looked up with tear filled eyes.

"Rain... I don't know if I even want to be a hunter anymore."

Rain's heart sank in her chest as Alistair started to cry. Moving closer she wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly as she broke down, sobbing deeply.

"I've been working so hard to get better and now I feel like everything is falling apart again and I hate it so much. I hate feeling like this. Like I'm sliding backwards again, like I'm going to be like this forever. Like... like I'm more trouble then I'm worth... like... no one would ever want to be with someone who might be dealing with this for the rest of their lives," Alistair confessed to her.

Rain tightened her arms around Alistair and pulled her tighter.

"That's not true. I'm not going anywhere Alistair. No matter what it is you have to face. I want to be there with you for the good and the bad. You'll get through this. We'll get through this. Together. Whatever happens I'm not going to let you go, I promise you that," Rain swore to her as Alistair shifted closer to her.

"Thank you. I know this will pass and I'll feel better again soon but it just... hate it so much when these low points come. When I start doubting myself like this. Doubting you like this. I know things will work out. I know I'm strong enough to handle this, to get through this. I just hate that I have to fight like this at all. Especially after you just told me something so wonderful. Something I've been longing to hear," Alistair added with a heavy sigh.

"We'll take it as it comes. That's what you do when you love someone right?" Rain gently assured her.

"Thank you, Rain. For everything. I know we have so much more we need to talk about but for now just... thank you for being here, again" Alistair said gratefully.

"We can talk more tomorrow when you feel better. Okay?"

"Okay."

AN: One more chapter before I have another time skip. Not a huge one. Also look out for the return of our favorite (and only) talking Crimson Qurupeco!