"You're sure you're good with everything? You don't need to go over it again?"
Luke glanced out of the truck's side window, so that April wouldn't see his smile. "No, I think I'm good."
"Because we've still got a couple of blocks before we get to school. There's still time to reassess."
"I think it's the perfect plan. There's no need to reassess."
April frowned. "I don't know. There's an awful lot you're leaving to chance. What are you going to do if she –"
"Then I'll reassess on the fly." He leaned over and patted her hand. "It's a good plan, April. Thanks for helping me figure out the details."
"You're welcome, but Dad –"
"This is where you need to leave it up to me. You've got to trust that I want this to work, too. I promise I won't screw it up."
April huffed out a breath of impatience as Luke pulled to a stop outside of her school. "OK, fine. Then there's just one more thing." She unbuckled her seat belt and scooted over close enough to flip off his ever-present baseball cap. "Do not wear the hat."
"Hey!" Luke scrambled to retrieve the hat from the floor. "For your information, I wasn't planning on it."
"Good, because it's ugly."
He studied the plain black hat. It looked inoffensive to his eyes. "Why is it ugly?"
"It doesn't fit you right, for one thing. It makes your head look tiny. And black is not your color. It drains the life from your face." April shook her head. "You used to have that blue one – what happened to it? That one was great. I mean, if you have to wear one. The blue one matched your eyes and drove all of the ladies crazy, according to Miss Patty."
"I wear a hat because I'm handling food," he told her, slightly irritated. "And I'd rather that you not rely on Miss Patty for fashion dos and don'ts."
April chuckled. "Hey, Miss Patty's fun."
"Well, you won't have to worry about the hat. I thought that I'd…you know, dress up a little bit." He shrugged. "Let her know that I see this as something important."
April smiled and hugged his arm. "OK, maybe you do know what you're doing after all." She opened her door and jumped to the ground, reaching back into the cab for her stuffed book bag. "Good luck. I'll have my fingers crossed."
"Thanks. You have fun, OK? Remember, you can call me no matter what time it is if you need me. You know that, right?"
"I do know that." April shut the door, then smiled at him through the window before she turned and ran to find her group of girlfriends.
Luke sat and watched until they all walked through the school's front door. Then he scrutinized the black hat one more time before he tossed it disdainfully onto the passenger side of the seat.
Lorelai jumped when someone knocked on her office door. Normally she wasn't the type to close her door, but today she needed to cut down on distractions as much as possible. After the events of the night before, she was finding it nearly impossible to concentrate on anything. Her mind kept wandering away from the marketing plans she was supposed to be perusing. She glanced at the clock and was surprised to see that it was nearly lunchtime. Apparently woolgathering was more time-consuming than she realized.
"Come in," she called out, taking off her glasses. She looked at the door, expecting to see Michel or Sookie.
"Hi." Luke stuck his head in past the door, just enough to see her. "It's OK if I come in?"
Lorelai's glasses slipped from her hands. "Sure – sure. Of course." She pushed her chair back from her desk and dove for her dropped glasses, mainly to hide her shocked face. And here she thought nothing could ever surpass the surprise of April showing up at her house. "Come on in," she said, returning to an upright position. She ran her hands over her hair and tugged her jacket straight, trying not to let him see how flustered she was.
"I'm not interrupting?" Luke stepped fully into her office, looking as if he was on his way to a meeting at the bank. He pushed the door partially closed, but was careful not to shut it completely.
"No, I was ready for a break." Lorelai couldn't stop her greedy eyes from taking in every bit of his damn fine fashion choices. Such a crime, that a man with his assets insisted on hiding them under the layers of flannel. It was only after she'd surreptitiously ogled him from the top of his hatless head to his dress shoes that she noticed the vintage-looking picnic basket on his arm. "Um, sorry buddy, but you're about four months too early for Bid-a-Basket day."
Luke smiled at her, and she swore that her heart actually stopped beating. He pointed at her desk. "Can you clear that off some, maybe?"
For a smile like that, she would have set the thing on fire. "No problem," she assured him. She swept up the piles of papers and dropped them unceremoniously to the floor. She had no idea what was going on, and frankly, she didn't care.
He chuckled a little bit at her extreme cleaning method. "OK, that works." He sat the picnic basket down on one of the chairs in front of her desk and opened up the lid.
First he took out a paper placemat and put that on the desk in front of her. Next he pulled out a napkin dispenser, as well as one of the small battery-powered lights that used to reside on the diner's tables, and arranged them next to the placemat. He went back to the basket and this time pulled out a small glass jar, filled with marigolds and baby's breath.
Lorelai gasped and put one hand over her heart, unable to believe what she was seeing. "Luke…what is this?"
He shrugged, not meeting her eyes, and instead turned back to the basket. "The flower shop still had marigolds left over from yesterday."
"I don't mean just the flowers – although they're delightful. I mean this. All of this." She waved her hands at him, the apparently bottomless basket, and the items he'd placed on her desk. "What's going on?"
"You said you didn't feel like you could come to the diner." He proceeded to put a double-decker burger and a Styrofoam box of fries in front of her. "So I brought the diner to you."
Lorelai pulled in a sharp breath through lips that were trembling. She blinked hard, trying not to let his unbelievably sweet generosity completely undo her.
Luke paused and leaned on her desk, giving her a stern look. "If you cry, I'm going to think I've failed."
She shook her head, swallowing the tears. "No failure here," she assured him in a choked voice. "This is perfect. And amazing. And perfect."
"Good. Because I don't want you to cry and have to stand here and watch your eyeballs dissolve." He smiled again, teasing her. "Your eyes are way too pretty to have them go to waste like that."
Dear God, on top of everything else…was he flirting with her? She could only stare at him with her mouth open, stunned beyond her brain's capacity to react.
Meanwhile, he added a piece of pie and a gigantic cup of coffee to the bounty spread before her. "And, because hope springs eternal…" He produced one more Styrofoam container and popped open the lid, revealing a salad. "With both blue cheese and ranch," he pointed out, sounding ever so pleased with himself.
"Luke, thank you. I can't…" She shook her head, looking over her banquet. "You've succeeded in taking the words right out of my mouth."
"Meat Loaf, right?"
"There's meatloaf, too?" She looked eagerly at the basket of miracles.
Luke laughed. "No, I meant the song."
"Oh!" Lorelai laughed too, but then ducked her head in embarrassment as the next line of the lyric echoed plainly in her head. Must have been while you were kissing me…
"Anyway, enjoy." Luke suddenly seemed ill at ease too, maybe because his memory had skipped to the end of the refrain. I was just about to say I love you…
"Sure you don't want to stay and share this with me?" She picked up the container of salad and pointedly held it out towards him. "There's plenty."
"No, I should get back." He turned towards the door, but almost immediately turned to face her again. "There is something I wanted to ask you, though."
"Ah. So it's true. There is no free lunch."
Luke smiled faintly. "The lunch is still free. I was just wondering if we could…well, talk about everything we've been through."
Lorelai's head snapped up in alarm.
"Not now," he said quickly. "I figure you didn't get much sleep last night, and neither did I, to be honest. And right now, I want you to eat and enjoy your meal. I was just hoping to maybe set a time when we could discuss it. Sometime when you might feel up to it."
"You want to talk about it?"
"No," he said wryly. But then he smiled again, sort of wistfully. "But it seems like maybe both of us have some erroneous ideas stuck in our heads about what happened. Maybe it would help to sit down together and hash it all out."
Lorelai swallowed hard and realized she was nervously wringing her hands. "That sounds like a very mature thing to do."
He shrugged. "Must be from hanging around with April all the time."
"Must be." She took a deep breath. "Why don't you let me find wherever I pitched my appointment calendar and I'll get back to you?" She cringed, hating how business-formal she sounded.
"Sure, that works," he said briskly. "Eat your lunch," he ordered, stepping to the door. "That includes the salad."
The door closed, and she was alone with the hamburger and fries and her pounding heart. She stared at all of the food he'd prepared, just for her. The smell of the coffee alone was making her dizzy. Her eyes came to rest on the jelly jar full of marigolds.
She was out of her chair, through the door, and running across the lobby before she had a chance to reconsider. She caught him descending the Dragonfly's front steps. "Luke, wait! Wait!"
He stopped and turned around, looking surprised.
"What if I…" She had to stop for a moment to catch her breath. "What if I came by the diner tonight? Maybe about when you were ready to close?"
"Tonight?"
"Yeah. Well, unless you've got other plans. I mean, it is Friday, and maybe you're –"
"No, of course not. It's fine. It's great, actually."
"Sure?"
He rolled his eyes at her, and suddenly they were both smiling because of that familiar and completely expected gesture. "Tell you what, I'll even save whatever coffee is still in the pot for you."
"Just like old times," she quipped.
His expression turned pensive. "Maybe even better," he suggested, almost shyly. He shook his head then, as if he'd never expected hear such a syrupy sentiment come out of his own mouth. "See you later," he said, and made a quick dash for the truck, putting an abrupt end to any other potentially embarrassing comments.
Lorelai waved as he left, then went back to her private feast. She ate everything – even the salad – while wondering if possibly she was now reading too much into his actions.
Lorelai was fine until she got to the last step and was face-to-face with the diner's door. She'd changed into jeans and a comfortable top when she got home, and kept herself from fussing too much with her hair or makeup. She'd jumped in the Jeep and drove to the center of town, parked, and walked across the street, all without too much angst. It wasn't until there was nothing left to do but turn the doorknob and walk inside that she was hit with the gravity of what she was doing.
Luckily, Luke looked up and saw her, and waved her in, which left her with no choice but to open the door. She took a deep breath and crossed the threshold.
"Too early?" she called out, then winced. Her voice seemed to echo in the quiet diner.
"No, right on time." He walked over and flipped the sign, then locked the door. "Haven't had a customer in a good half hour or so." He closed a few more of the window blinds.
"Kirk, of course," Lorelai said knowingly.
"Of course. I've never understood why he can't stock crackers and milk at his own house."
"Well…You've met his mother, right?"
"True. Maybe that's why he works 17 different jobs, just to get out of the house."
"Maybe." Lorelai began to amble towards the counter.
"Why don't we go ahead and sit at a table? Might be more comfortable than sitting on a stool."
"Good idea." Lorelai changed her path slightly, heading to the table closest to the kitchen.
Luke stepped behind the counter and filled a mug with coffee. He pointed at the basket she was carrying. "You know you're about ten months too late for Bid-a-Basket Day, don't you?"
"Ha-ha. Yes, I'm aware." She hung her coat on the back of her chair and then sat down primly. "I just thought you'd probably like to have your diner stuff back." She smiled at him as he placed the coffee in front of her. "I kept the flowers, though. I can bring back the jelly jar later, if you miss it."
He smiled too, as he took his seat. "Might come in handy, if I ever get another Thanksgiving bouquet."
Her stomach did a small flip-flop. "Do you want a Thanksgiving bouquet?" she asked quietly, not looking at him.
He didn't answer immediately. "I guess that's why we're here tonight, isn't it? To get us on the road to answering questions like that?"
She hadn't expected such a direct response from him, and it rattled her. To cover, she took a sip of coffee. "Hmm." She smacked her lips. "This does not taste like bottom-of-the-pot coffee."
"I might have made a fresh pot," he admitted, with that sheepish smile that had never failed to charm her.
She cocked an eyebrow at him. "Do you have something stronger, in case we need it?"
He shrugged. "There's beer upstairs."
"I was thinking Prozac or Valium, but OK."
Luke leaned forward and lightly bumped his knuckles against her hand. "It's OK, Lorelai. We don't have to tackle everything tonight. This is just a way to start."
"OK." She took another gulp of coffee. "Then I'll get us started." She opened the basket and pulled out bag after bag of PayDay candy bars. "I thought you deserved to know the truth about these."
"Geez, what'd you do, buy out the store?" Luke poked at the stack of bags spilling over the table.
"Yes."
His eyes jumped to her face. "Why?"
Lorelai took a deep breath, prepared to do what amounted to a trust fall. "The obvious answer is you. I saw them, thought of you, and bought them all."
He held her eyes for a moment, glanced again at the mountain of candy, then gave a quick nod, as if he understood.
"The longer answer – the harder answer – is something a lot more complex." She toyed with the handle on the mug, thinking about how much she'd missed even this simple thing, the feel of the ceramic under her thumb. "I didn't take very good care of you when we were together, Luke, and I wish like everything I had. I wish that last Halloween, or the year before that, or whenever I first discovered you had a fondness for these, I wish I would have bought out the store then. I wish I would have spoiled you to death."
"If I'd eat all of these, I might be close to death, all right."
"That's not the point. The point is, you like these, and instead of acknowledging that and indulging you, what did I do? The same thing I always did. I made fun of your choice. I teased you. I launched a lengthy argument to prove how superior every other candy on the market is to these."
Luke sat back in his chair, crossed his arms, and looked at her with some bewilderment. "That's just you, Lorelai. It's not like that offended me or anything. Who cares if we like the same candy or not?"
"That is me," Lorelai agreed. She pointed to the mug. "And this is you. Making a fresh pot of coffee just because you knew I was coming over here tonight."
He shrugged. "Not a big deal."
"But it is! That's what I'm trying to tell you." She sighed. "You've taken care of me since the day we met, practically. Coffee, food, home repairs, a shoulder to cry on. You've been my staunchest ally. God, Luke – you made me a chuppah when I was going to marry another guy! Who does that?"
He stared at her, frowning. "I lectured you pretty good about marriage, first. The chuppah was my apology for thinking I had the right to do that."
"You did have the right – but I'm getting off track here. You did a million things for me over the years, and I let you. I'm sure I looked like some spoiled, entitled rich girl, but that's not why I kept taking advantage of you."
He looked irritated. "You didn't take advantage of me."
"I did! I readily admit it. I'll even tell you why. It's because for so many years, I didn't have anybody taking care of me or looking out for me. It was me, on my own – even while I lived with my parents, to be honest. We had maids, cooks for the household stuff – but sometimes I feel like I raised myself. And then, of course, after I had Rory…" She shook her head. "Then I was the caregiver. I was in charge. Rory was 100% my responsibility, every day, every hour. Next came a job where I had to be in charge, too. A house. A life. All on my shoulders."
Luke was listening attentively, and he nodded.
"So when you came along and started doing some of these special things, just for me, and for no reason other than to be nice to me, I ate it up. It felt so good, to be pampered like that. For the couple of minutes it took to gobble down my burger with the extra slice of cheese on it, I could let all of the worries and responsibilities slide off my shoulders. I could feel like a spoiled, entitled rich girl for a little bit, and it was heavenly. I just wish I would have tried to take care of you, too."
"You took care of me fine."
"I'm not talking about in bed."
"Geez! I'm not either!" he exploded. "The ally thing went both ways, Lorelai. I can think of plenty of times when you had my back. Taking care of you was not a chore to me. I liked knowing your roof wasn't leaking over your head or that you could grab the railing on your porch and it wasn't going to come loose. I liked knowing you were safe, and warm, and fed. Even caffeinated, for that matter." He pointed at the cup. "I know I lectured you plenty about that, but I knew what your day was like. I knew you needed the coffee to make it through. The bottom line was that I was happy if you were happy."
"You crawled underneath my house, looking for termites. You tried to finagle the cost of the repairs."
He looked at her coolly. "You went to bat for Rachel. Tried to convince me she was serious about staying with me."
Lorelai blinked a couple of times. "Man, I did, didn't I?" She chuckled grimly. "What an idiot I was."
"That's a different conversation," Luke said dryly.
"Yeah, that's for sure. How long have you got?" She shook her head before gulping down some more coffee. "Bottom line for me is that I regret not showering you with attention when I had the chance, and somehow these yucky candy bars are the thing that made me realize that. I scooped them up, trying to atone for past neglect. So, enjoy them now." She patted the top of the candy tower, and one of the bags slid off and dropped to the floor.
"Would you mind if I put them out in a dish beside the cash register, and let customers take one if they want it? Even with April's help, there's no way we're eating all of these before next Halloween."
"You think you would have picked up some gluttony skills from us after all these years, but sure, they're yours. You're free to give them away if you want." She suddenly zeroed in on the top of his head. "Oh wow, that's what's missing! I kept thinking something was wrong. Where's your hat?"
"April told me not to wear it anymore. She says it's ugly."
Lorelai snorted a laugh. "Way to go, April! That girl is a winner in every way."
Luke pinned her with a look. "She says I should go back to wearing the blue one."
"Does she know –?"
"No."
"Ah." Lorelai picked up the mug and took another sip, not knowing what else to do. "Is that a decision we'll know after tonight too?"
"Maybe." Luke took the mug away from her, went behind the counter, and topped it off with more coffee. He sat it back in front of her, then shifted uneasily on his feet. "So, what do we talk about next?"
"Don't know. Guess I should have made a roulette wheel, with all of the possible topics on it. Then we could have just given it a spin, see where it landed."
Luke sighed, taking his seat again. "That almost sounds like a summary of our relationship."
Lorelai laughed, albeit sadly. "Yeah."
"You look like there's something on your mind," he observed, studying her face. "You've got a topic you want to hit?"
"I do…and I don't."
"Go for it."
"Um, OK." Lorelai steeled herself. "Then, Anna."
"Anna?" Luke sat straight up, giving her a fierce look. "Why the hell would you want to talk about her?"
"Because you had a baby with her? Because I've seen her? Because you let her call every shot since the first time April walked in here?" Lorelai couldn't keep the anger out of her voice.
Luke sat and glared at her, breathing hard, but didn't reply immediately. She could tell he was dissecting what she'd just said. "You think I'm still carrying a torch for her, or something?"
"That would sure explain a lot."
"Not everyone wants to run back to their exes, Lorelai," he snapped.
That hurt, and Lorelai inhaled sharply. "Ouch," she whispered, bending her head.
"Sorry," he said petulantly. He took a deep breath himself and reconsidered. "No, I am sorry I said that. Maybe if we're going to do this, we need some ground rules. I know some of the stuff we're going to say is going to hurt, and there's no way around that, but maybe we should promise not to hurl around the deliberately hurtful things."
"That's a nice idea in theory, Luke. I'm just not sure that when we get into the meat of it all we'll be able to hold back."
He nodded thoughtfully and looked down at the table. "Was that dirty? Because it sounded dirty."
A surprised laugh burst out of Lorelai. "Not intentionally."
He lifted his head and smiled at her. "We'll just do our best, then."
"OK. We'll strive for civility."
"So." He drummed his fingers on the table. "Anna, huh?"
"Yes."
"You really thought that Anna was, what? A threat to us?"
Lorelai considered all of the ways she could answer that. Ways that would somehow shield her deepest fears and insecurities, and keep her from having to be completely honest, but instead she sighed and said, "Yes."
Luke shook his head at her. "Why?"
"Because of all of the things I already said. She's unbelievably gorgeous, Luke."
He scoffed. "Have you seen you?"
"Seriously? There's no comparison."
"I agree. She's attractive, but you're a knock-out."
"Stop it. I'm not doing this so you can sit here and flatter me."
"Oh for – I'm not flattering you! In my eyes, you're the unbelievably gorgeous one. Anna can't hold a candle to you!"
Lorelai put up her hands. "Fine, whatever. Moving on. You had a baby with her."
"That I didn't know about," Luke said bitterly.
"But still, you were in a relationship close enough that a baby happened."
"What? I'm supposed to apologize now for having sex with a woman I was dating? Long before I even knew you, I might add."
"No! I mean…I know you, Luke. I can't imagine you leaving stuff like that to chance. And if you were that close to Anna, then it sounds like it was a pretty serious relationship, and that makes me think you were totally committed to it – and to her."
"You're conjecturing all of this just because she got pregnant? Is that how it was when you got pregnant, Lorelai?" he asked bluntly.
"I was fifteen," she said coolly. "And an idiot. Which we've already established."
He continued to glare at her for a few more moments before his face softened. "OK. Let me take this down a notch or two, and give me a minute to get my thoughts together. If you really want to hear about it, I'll tell you. Just be aware…" For some reason, he chuckled despondently, and shook his head. "This is another thing I've done in my life that doesn't paint me in a very good light."
"I find that hard to believe, but OK, if you say so. I definitely want to hear it."
"Then here we go. I suspect that Anna deliberately got pregnant."
Lorelai's mouth dropped open. "What? You mean, without telling you?"
"Exactly."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because…Oh, dear God." Luke suddenly cradled his head in his hands. "Do we really have to go through all of this?"
"You bet we do, bucko."
"Because at the end, she was starting to hint around that she'd like a baby, and I said absolutely not, but now it appears she got pregnant after all. It just seems mighty convenient, doesn't it?"
"She'd do that?"
"Let me fill you in a bit about Anna." Luke sighed. "I met her after I was convinced that Rachel was permanently out of my life. I'd learned my lesson with dating Stars Hollow girls, though, and having the whole town look over your shoulder, so I went elsewhere, and one night, at one particular bar, I happened to meet Anna."
"Because she was gorgeous," Lorelai muttered, not able to help herself.
"Yes, fine, she was pretty. She was funny, and bright, and we hit it off, OK?"
"Not even remotely OK, but yes…I understand. Go on."
"At first, it was good. It was fun. It was a low-stress relationship. If we had time, we saw each other, and if we didn't, it was no big deal. Both of us were trying to get businesses going, so we understood if a week or two went by without a date. We could always pick up from where we left off."
"Because the sex was great," Lorelai grumbled.
"Geez, Lorelai! Yes, it was! Is that what you want to hear? We hooked up because the sex was great! You're not the only one who was once young and foolish. Seems to me I remember you sitting right here one day, telling the diner at large how great it would be to get some, so don't go judging me!"
"Sorry," she said, cringing. "I'll try to shut up."
"No, I don't want you to shut up. I just want you to let me tell this without interrupting every five seconds!"
"Noted. Go on."
"Anyway, that's how things went with us for a while, until finally the sex stopped blinding me and I began to see how mean Anna was."
"Mean?"
"To her core. She took so much pleasure in zinging people. It was like breathing to her. If she saw something that she could use to humiliate someone, she had to say it."
"Um, Luke? That, uh, sounds sort of familiar to me," she said, troubled.
"No, nowhere near the same," Luke said firmly, pointing at her. "The things you say never come from a place of meanness. You're either trying to be funny or you speak before you think. And when you see you've gone over a line, you bend over backwards to take it back and smooth things over. Anna meant to put people down. She loved seeing them shrivel before her, and it didn't matter who it was: people at the next table in a restaurant, the guy taking tickets at the theater, some random person walking their dog." He stopped for a moment, bit down on his lips. "Or, it could be me. Often, it was me. She didn't care."
"Sometimes I'm mean," Lorelai said meekly, trying to be honest.
"Not like her. Trust me on that." Luke sighed. "So if I don't think she's pretty now, maybe that's because I know how ugly she really is."
"I'm trying to assimilate all of this." Lorelai pointed at her head. "Trying to change my perception."
"When April first showed up, you have to understand, I didn't think it was going to be a major thing in my life."
"To have a child?" Lorelai rebuked him.
"First off, I didn't really believe she was mine. Secondly, if she'd been raised by Anna, I already knew I didn't want her in my life. I could only imagine how damaged and nasty this kid was. I thought if it was true, there'd be some financial stuff to take care of, but nothing long-term. No real relationship."
"Or any real reason to tell your fiancée."
He glared at her. "No deliberate hurting, remember?"
"I remember. Just showing you that I can be mean, too." Lorelai pouted for another moment, but found enough to maturity to move on. "What changed?" she asked grudgingly.
"I fell in love with April."
Her head shot up. "You did? Aww, Luke!" She pushed the bags of candy out of the way and leaned across the table far enough to put her hand on top of his, smiling delightedly. "You old softie, you!"
The expression on his face changed, from stoicism to something that looked like misery.
"What's wrong?" she asked, genuinely concerned.
He brought his other hand up to cover hers. "I'm what's wrong," he confessed. "You're this good-hearted person, and I'm the real idiot." He squeezed her hand. "I'm sure this will be coming up again directly, but let me get my first 'I'm sorry' in here now. I handled every single thing about April wrong." He squeezed her hand again. "I'm sorry, Lorelai."
Even though she'd longed to hear him say that for so long, the words now made her uncomfortable. She pulled her hand out from between his and waved it around, almost anxious to skip over the apology. "Go on, tell me. What made you fall in love with April?"
He looked at her closely, as if he wasn't buying being let off the hook, but he shrugged and continued on. "She was so goofy, and bright, and completely without filters. And most important of all, she was nothing like Anna. She was hilarious, and so completely her own person. I realized I was beginning to look forward to her visits. I wanted to get to know her better, not push her away. But that meant I had two problems. One, I hadn't told you."
"True," Lorelai sighed.
"Looking back, of course it's easy now to see what I should have done. I should have told you the second April left the diner that first day. But I didn't, and then, every day that I didn't tell you made it worse. It got to the point where I was in so deep, I really couldn't see a way out. I made the trap myself, and then got angry because I was stuck in it."
"You know, as much as being kept in the dark upset me, I can actually understand," Lorelai admitted. "I remember trying to work up the nerve to tell my parents I was pregnant. I remember day after day, telling myself that this was the night I was finally going to tell them."
"Yes," Luke said gratefully, "that's exactly how I felt, every day. The guilt was eating me up. I know those are just words now, but again…I'm so sorry."
She merely nodded, indicating for him to go on.
"The other problem was that if I wanted to be some sort of dad to April, some presence in her life, then I was going to have to negotiate with Anna. I was going to have to walk some sort of tightrope with her, so she couldn't zero in on how much I wanted it and use that to beat me with it." He paused and shook his head. "Didn't matter, though, because that's exactly what happened."
"So this is the explanation about why you let her call the shots?"
Luke nodded. "I could imagine, so clearly, what would happen if I pushed. She'd tell me it was all a lie, that April wasn't mine. She would have forbidden April to see me anymore. She would have found a way to get a restraining order against me, would have called the police if I tried see her anyway."
"There would have been legal remedies to all of that, Luke."
"Yeah, with April right in the middle." This time, he reached over and took her hand. With his head, he motioned towards the big window overlooking the Soda Shoppe. "I know I hurt you. I know you felt pushed out. Sometimes I tried to tell myself that I was doing it to protect you. If Anna would have gotten a whiff of how much you meant to me, she would have torn you up right in front of me."
"I think I could have held my own with Anna," Lorelai said disdainfully, narrowing her eyes at him.
Luke held her hand tighter and looked at her sadly. "Really? What happened the one time you went to see her?"
Anger sparked. "You yelled at me for going to see her at all!" She jerked her hand back.
"Because I could see how much she'd already gotten in your head! Plus there was a chance that was enough to make her yank April away from me!"
"Luke, you can't go on like this, tiptoeing around her all the time. If April's your daughter, then you need to make that legal."
He looked irritated. "What do you mean, if?"
"You have no proof. Get a DNA test done. Get your name on her birth certificate. Go to court."
"I don't want to drag this into court," he muttered.
"Oh, my God! Luke! Either make it legal or stop complaining about how unfair Anna is."
"But April shouldn't have to go through –"
"April is a preternaturally mature and intelligent young woman. She is quite capable of understanding what's going on. In fact, she could probably school the lawyers on how to handle the case. And you know what else? She's old enough that you can discuss this with her. She's old enough to be able to articulate her own desires to the court." She gave him a scathing look. "She'd be on your side, Luke. You should use that to your own advantage."
"Well, yeah, sure. It's all so simple from where you sit, huh?" he said sarcastically. "It's all a breeze when it doesn't actually involve you!"
The words struck her right in the sore place in her heart. They were almost worse because she knew he hadn't meant them as a deliberate jab. "You're right," she whispered, barely able to move her lips. "It doesn't involve me at all."
His eyes widened in realization. "Shit. Lorelai, I didn't mean –"
"Also, you were right about what you said before. It did hurt." She bent her head towards the dividing window too. "Being kept on the outside, knowing that I wasn't wanted in here. I didn't understand why you were treating me like that. I didn't know what I'd done to make you kick me out, but it hurt. It still hurts. It broke my heart, Luke, if you want to know the truth."
He watched her for a quiet minute, nervously worrying his lips together. "I don't have a defense, Lorelai. I was wrong. I treated you horribly. If I had a way to go back and make it right, I would, in a heartbeat. I don't know what else I can say."
She looked down into her lap, determined not to give into tears. "You know what? I don't think I want to talk about this anymore. Let's move on."
Again, there was a long, weighted pause of silence. "You know there's really only one more major topic to discuss," he pointed out somberly.
"I bet we could come up with something," she said dully. "We could argue about the candy some more."
Luke pushed back his chair a little bit, giving him room to hunch over. He stared down at his hands clasped between his knees. "I guess the first thing…" He gave a shuddering sigh. "I've heard you're seeing him. Is that true?"
Lorelai filled her lungs with oxygen, knowing she was going to need fuel to get through this. "Before I came here tonight, I promised myself that I was going to be completely honest, that I wasn't going to try and bend things to make me look better, or to soften the facts. I want to tell you anything you want to know, no matter how terrible it is, because that's how much this chance to talk to you means to me. But, Luke…" her voice wobbled, and she took another breath. "Can I tell you in my own way?"
"I can only imagine what the Lorelai way of telling is going to be like. Maybe I'd better get some provisions first." He got up and walked behind the counter, where he filled a glass of water. "You want more coffee? Or something else?"
She saw that she'd barely touched what she had. "No, I'm fine. Thanks."
Before he came back to the table with his water, he grabbed a couple of the snack-size bags of chips. "Here, just in case," he said, tossing them on the table by her. "Help yourself to the candy bars, too."
"OK, thanks," she repeated, too stressed to realize she was being teased.
"Let's go then, the Lorelai long way around." He took a sip of the water. "Seems to me it should be a yes or no answer, but let's hear it." His grim face looked like he was prepared for the worst.
"Chris is rich now," she said, plunging in.
"OK," Luke shrugged, deliberately calm. "Good for him."
"His father died – you know that, that was the first time we broke up."
"Yes, I remember," he said cuttingly.
"So now Chris has more money than he knows what to do with, and he enjoys flinging it around. He's done all sorts of things for Rory."
"About time," Luke muttered.
"And he's planned these ridiculously over-the-top events for me."
"Sounds like it's a 'yes' then." He tipped his glass at her.
"No! See, that's why I need to give you the full story, so you understand. Luke, please…please let me tell you the whole background. Please?"
"Sure," he agreed, cynically. "Tell whatever you feel you need to."
Out of patience, she slapped her hands down on the table. "Luke! If I had a choice between spending time with you or spending time with him, I'd spend it with you! But I don't have that choice, do I?"
"No, because that was the choice you made the night you walked away!"
They were both breathing hard, Luke from anger, Lorelai from despair. She took a moment to get under control. "Should I just go?" she asked, her voice dead. "This doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere."
He passed a hand over his eyes, fighting for control as well. He shook his head, not looking at her. "I know I'm being a jerk. I know we need to do this. It just feels like slow torture, that's all."
Lorelai chuckled mirthlessly. "Funny, I was just going to bring up torture."
"Well, occasionally it seemed like we shared a brain. Not often, but it did happen."
"My torture was self-administered. I'd sit at home, in what was supposed to be our house, and just go over and over and over what went wrong. I'd torture myself with recriminations. So yeah, when Chris showed up with a classic car and wanted to whisk me away, have me watch movies projected on the side of barn somewhere out in the country – Yeah. I went. It broke the torture cycle for one night, at least."
"Sounds like good times," he snarked.
"Sometimes, it was. I admit it. I guess it ties back in with that feeling of being an entitled, spoiled rich girl again."
Luke slumped in his seat. "Maybe you're right. Maybe it's time to bring this to a halt."
"No, hold on. There are still things I want to explain." She squared her shoulders and tried to sound perkier. "First off, these dates – if they even count as dates – were like something out of the 50's. Purely platonic, absolutely nothing physical to them at all – which Chris didn't understand, but that's the only way I could…Anyway, that's the way it was. Secondly, I don't care how outrageous and over the top these staged events were, I'd take a picnic basket in my office every single time."
Luke scoffed. "Right."
Lorelai shook her head. "Luke, if you know me at all, you know that's true. Chris threw around his family's money to try and impress me. To…well, win me over with the extravagance. You, on the other hand, did this wonderful, sweet, magnanimous gesture purely from the goodness of your heart. You wanted to feed me and make sure I was all right. You wanted me to feel better about our situation. There's no comparison between the two. The picnic basket wins, even without the jelly glass full of flowers."
Luke studied his hands and didn't respond.
"That night…" Lorelai squeezed her eyes shut, looking for strength. "The night I blew us up," she then said clearly, ready to go right to Ground Zero. "You wanted me to stand still that night, didn't you?"
His head snapped up and he stared at her. "April told me you said that to her last night, but no, that's not true. I didn't want you to stand still. I just wanted you to stay. I wanted you to want to stay. To stay with me." He chuckled humorlessly. "Which is the point where my recriminations start. I should have made you stay. I should have wrapped my arms around you and carried you back here, if I needed to. I should have made sure you were safe that night. I should have made sure you knew I wanted you to stay."
"Oh, Luke," she sighed. "It wouldn't have mattered. You could have swept me back here and made love to me all night long, and it wouldn't have made a difference. The next day, or the one after that, or the one after that, we would have been right back to the same place. We wouldn't have talked. We wouldn't have found any way to solve our problems. It just would have delayed the inevitable a little bit."
He winced. "That's depressing." He thought more about what she'd said. "It's even more depressing because it's most likely true."
She nodded and gripped the table hard, knowing it was time to confront the cheating elephant in the room. "You're tired of the long-way-around Lorelai versions of things, and it's getting late. We should probably just jump right to the nitty-gritty of it." Her bravery faltered and she was forced to take another breath and swallow hard before she could continue. "Can you ever forget what I did? Do you think the time will ever come when you could maybe…I don't know…see past it, somehow?"
The silence was agonizing. She sat and waited, counting her own breaths. She realized that she should have turned on some music as soon as she got inside the diner, so that the silence wouldn't be as painful.
She could see that Luke was suffering too, debating his answer. He took his time, examining his feelings, before he finally looked directly at her.
"I don't think so, Lorelai. It was such a huge thing, I just don't see how it can be minimized. And frankly, I'm not sure I want to forget it, even if I could."
Even though his words were basically what she was expecting, she wasn't prepared for the emotional collapse they caused within her. Her hope had been decimated and she had nothing left to cling to. She was so empty she couldn't even cry.
"Right," she mumbled, numb and cold. She struggled to her feet. "Got it. I understand – I really do." She tried to make her fingers close around her coat. "I'll get out of here now."
"Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?" Luke jumped to his feet.
"Leaving," she said, desperate to get away before she fell apart.
"No, I learned my lesson about that." He grabbed her arm, and when she halted, he stepped closer and put his arms around her. "You said that you promised yourself that you'd be completely honest tonight? Well, the promise I made to myself was that I wasn't letting you leave until you understand how much you mean to me."
Half-heartedly, she struggled to get away for a bit, before allowing her head to fall exhaustedly against his chest. "This makes no sense, Luke. You just said you can't get past what I did."
"To forget, right. But you, us – that's a completely different question."
"It is?"
"Absolutely."
She was so tired. "I don't see how."
"Because…You, I love. You, I forgive. You –" His voice choked up. "You, I want in my life."
Stunned, Lorelai pushed herself away from him far enough to stare at him. "Am I hallucinating? Is that what's going on? Because there's no way you just said that crazy stuff."
He held her a little bit tighter. "I want you to stay. To stay – not to stand still. I don't ever expect you to stand still. Just stay, with me, and….and…evolve?" He laughed, a little desperately. "I don't know the right term. Just stay with me, please, and we'll figure it out."
"You want me to stay," she repeated.
"Yes."
"With you?"
"Definitely with me."
"Here? Tonight?"
He nodded.
"For how long?"
"As long as you want."
She pushed away again. "Just to be clear – you want me to stay here. Upstairs? With you? And your daughter?"
"No, April's not here."
Horrified, Lorelai pushed herself free and leaped away from him. "What do you mean, April's not here!"
Luke shrugged, but looked concerned at her extreme reaction. "I mean she's not here. That one girl, Cassidy, had a sleepover tonight, so she went home with her after school. Why is that a big deal?"
"Why is that a big deal?" She began to pace. "Oh, no reason except that I was trying to do something nice! I thought I'd offer to come here so that you didn't have to worry about April being alone all evening!"
"That was nice. Considerate."
"And I thought – you know, I thought it'd be prudent to have someone else in the building. Someone to call 911 if there was bloodshed. Some reason to keep us from screaming at each other."
"Well, luckily it didn't come to that," Luke said calmly.
Lorelai stopped and fixed him with a stern look. "I thought it might be wise to have a chaperone monitoring us, listening to everything going on with her sharp little ears. Someone who doesn't miss one single damn thing, ever."
Luke walked over to her and lightly put his hands on her shoulders. "I promise that if you stay, I won't touch you, if that's what you're worried about."
She tapped his hands on her shoulders. "You're touching me right now, buddy."
"You know what I mean," he complained.
"I just…Oh, Luke. How can me staying here be a good idea?"
She saw that he was struggling to find the words for an explanation. "I feel like we're so close to fixing this, that if we just keep at it a little longer, we might stumble into the right solution. If we stop now, and you go home, then the next time we'll have to go through everything again just to get to where we are right now. I don't want to give up on the progress we've made."
Lorelai sighed, and softly placed her hands over his, which were still on her shoulders. "Luke," she said, gently.
He lowered his head so that it was against hers. "Maybe…I'm just not ready for you to leave yet. Maybe I still need to hear some things from you." He whispered the suggestion against her hair.
Her eyes opened wide, and her heart began to pound wildly. She removed her hands from his so that she could wind her arms around him instead. She pressed her face against his chest, relishing the feel of the flannel and the smell of him. "Something like…I love you?"
"Yes," he said, his voice raw with emotion.
She strengthened her hold on him. "I love you, Luke. So, so much."
He sighed, and shivered, and put a hand on the back of her head, holding her to him. It felt so good she wanted to cry.
"And maybe…maybe you need to hear that I'm sorry?"
"Yeah. That too."
The tears were leaking out now, she couldn't stop them. "I'm so sorry, Luke. I'm so, so, so unbelievably sorry."
"It's not so unbelievable. I do believe you. And the same goes for me, about how sorry I am."
They stayed that way for untold minutes, holding each other, scared that letting go would break the spell they were under.
"So you'll stay?" Luke whispered, needing to hear it confirmed.
Lorelai was the one brave enough to pull away. "No, I tried to do my something nice already tonight. I think it's your turn to do a good deed."
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
She made sure all of the tears were wiped away, then smiled mischievously. "Come home with me. Paul Anka needs us."
There was one horrible long moment where she thought he was going to say no.
"Let me get my coat," he said instead.
They were quiet in the Jeep, as she drove them to the house, with only shy smiles showing the pleasure they were taking in being together again.
Lorelai took his hand as they walked to the house, but dropped it as they stood in front of the door, while she searched in her purse for the key.
"Maybe tomorrow, when I drive over to pick up April, you could come along," Luke suggested, watching her unlock the door.
"I'd love that," Lorelai said serenely, feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. The balance sheet kept by the universe seemed to have tipped completely in her favor. She stepped inside, reached for his hand again, and pulled him in with her.
Author's Chat: I'm sure that some of you sharp-eyed readers have noticed that this story is not yet marked 'complete.' That's because there's a tiny epilogue still to come! So stay tuned!
Also, I wanted to thank all of you who have read and responded to this story. I know I haven't replied to any of the reviews yet because I've been so obsessed with the writing of each chapter. I poured every bit of spare time (except twins' time!) into more writing. I know I've said this a thousand times, but I'm so appreciative of the kind and encouraging words you send to me. I'm very grateful to those of you who still read and enjoy these stories.
Lastly, I wanted to try and give a bit of an explanation to those of you who have gently nudged me and reminded me that I have a couple of incomplete stories out there. I was absolutely on fire while writing this new one. The words came faster than I could type and most of them were exactly the words I wanted. Writing was…well, maybe not as good as Miss Patty's plums, but pretty dang close. I've learned, over the years, that when I try to force a chapter, it's a very disappointing endeavor for all of us. I know that one day I'll wake up and be all hot for Sheriff Danes again, or be in a baby delirium, and those remaining chapters will finally materialize, too, but until then, I'm afraid you'll have to continue to be patient.
The epilogue is pretty clearly defined in my head and isn't too long, so with any luck I'll have it posted before the tofurkey comes out of the deep fryer. Until then…