Chapter 4: Distraction

As soon as I'm inside the sanctuary of my room, I drop down on the floor and cry.

First because his last words hurt me in a way I didn't expect.

I want to know who this new Bella is.

Here I was, believing that I was still the fun and sweet Bella he knew when we were kids, when clearly he noticed the change and probably doesn't like what he sees. Who would? I'm a complete mess.

As the minutes go by, I'm hit by a new kind of panic.

I know Jacob is on the other side of the door, feeling hurt and vulnerable because he finally took the courage to apologize and I cut him off. I'm used to cutting people off, I have done so with every single person in my life, including him back then, but this time it feels different. It's not just guilt, but there's a pain deep inside my chest. As if he's already too close to ever let go without being destroyed.

I need to be more careful.

One day he'll find a girl and move on, and I'll be the same mess I've always been. If that ever happens, if I allow someone to leave me without pushing them away first, I'll be broken down beyond repair.

He's definitely too close.

I also realize I nearly opened up to him. He felt guilty about what happened in my past. If only he knew what my dad and Edward did to me, he'd understand that the small damage he did by calling me a freak was nothing compared to what they did. Especially because I realized, even back then, that Jacob really did love me.

So I nearly told him. One of my best kept secrets. And I fear, as soon as one secret is out, more will surely follow.

The walls are starting to move and slowly my room becomes smaller.

He's too close.

I need to get out.

Out of this apartment, and away from him. I need more distance, need to make sure I'm the one to push him away before he gets a chance to destroy me. I won't survive that.

In a feverish rush, I throw on "working" clothes, clean up my face, and leave the apartment. I can't help but notice the way his eyes go over my outfit when I'm passing by and the hurt I see in them. But I can't dwell on that now.

Caring too much about his feelings will only drag me down deeper. I need to get out.

I need some distraction, some beautiful release, some control.

So I walk straight to a pub and scan the place for possible targets.

I'm lucky tonight. On one of the tables, a group of thirty something men are drinking and laughing.

They are all suited up, so they came here straight after work, to unwind on a Friday night.

Perfect.

I take a deep breath, straighten my hair, and walk over to their table.

"Excuse me, boys," I say in my sweetest voice, "I kinda need a favor from you."

I try to act as nervous and innocent as possible. Already I have their complete attention.

On moments like this, I am thankful for my pretty face, instead of cursing it.

"You see, I'm a physiology student, and I could use some practice and feedback for my massaging technique. I've asked my friends, but their girlfriends are all too jealous and they won't allow me to touch them. Besides," I add in a softer tone, "they're all pretty ugly, and if I'm gonna be massaging someone for free, I'd rather they be handsome men such as yourself."

They all look a bit surprised, wondering if this could be real, a beautiful girl offering to massage them for free. They glance around the table to check the response of their friends, when suddenly one of them says, "you're single, Ben, go for it."

All turn towards a shy-looking guy who avoids eye-contact and starts to blush. Immediately another amused voice joins in, "yeah, Ben, help the pretty girl out."

"I don't know," he mutters.

I stare at him with a hopeful expression and a small smile on my face. Shy guys are usually a bit more difficult, but this one looks sweet and handsome too. I could do worse.

"Hey Ben," another one says, "are you so gay you're gonna turn down a beauty when she offers a free massage?"

"I'm not gay," he sighs, as if he's had to explain that bit a thousand times before.

"Fine," he then murmurs.

"Great," I say, and I flash him my sweetest smile, which he returns shyly.

"Do you have a place where we can go?"

"What, you mean, right now?"

"Yeah, sure, why not?"

The other guys start laughing and pushing him from his seat towards me. "Come on, Ben, don't be a woos."

"It's a few blocks to my place and I don't have a car," he says apologetically, glancing towards my high heels.

"I don't mind," I say, still beaming. And so we leave.

The entire walk, he doesn't speak one word.

The confident ones are easier. They practically beg me to give them more and quickly offer to pay for a happy ending, but some of them can turn out to be quite dominant and demanding. This one might need more convincing, but I somehow feel safer with insecure guys.

After arrival in his apartment, he quickly throws some empty cans in the bin and nervously offers me a drink.

"No thank you. Why don't you go ahead and undress. You can lie down on your bed, covered with a towel, and I'll be there in a few minutes?"

"Like, um," he stutters, "completely undress?"

"Naked is easier," I say with a reassuring smile, "but if you're uncomfortable, you can leave your underwear on."

When I enter his room a few minutes later, holding the massage oil in my warmed up hands, he's on his belly with a large towel over his bottom. I take a deep breath and look over his athletic body. Then I sit down on the bed and cover his shoulders and neck with oil.

I plan to work on seducing him later, my first priority is relaxing him so that he doesn't freak out. It helps that he has a great body and that I actually do need the practice.

I can feel him loosen up underneath my working fingers as I slowly make my way, covering every muscle in his back, neck and arms.

"Is that okay?" I ask in a soft voice.

"Yeah, this is amazing," he breathes. It almost sounds like a moan and I smile. Not much longer now.

I move to the other side and start massaging his feet, working my way up to his calves and his thighs.

Every time I reach the top of his leg, I move my hands a tiny bit further underneath the towel. Sometimes my fingertips grace his inner thighs and when I don't feel him tense, I get a little bolder. I move my massage a little closer to his butt cheeks and from time to time, I accidentally brush his balls.

When I think he's ready, I say, "there, now you can turn around so I can do the front."

I hear him gasp, but he doesn't dare to disobey, so slowly he turns around and he tries to adjust the towel to hide how hard he's gotten.

Obviously, his attempts are in vain; his erection is strong and proud, pushing the towel up in a visible bulge.

His face is bright red, but I chuckle and say "don't worry about that, it happens all the time, a side effect of being so relaxed. I'm not insulted, it's actually a compliment."

"Okay," he sighs relieved.

I start working on his shoulders again, and he closes his eyes because he doesn't really know where to look, now I'm bent over him, showing some cleavage. From time to time, my hands roam over his belly and accidentally, I bump my elbow against his erection. I pretend not to notice, and so does he.

Then I move to his legs again, focusing mostly on his thighs. I move the towel a little bit, making sure the fabric brushes over his sensitive tip. His erection twitches desperately, but I still continue the massage as if nothing is going on.

I can tell by the permanent blush on his face that he is very much aware of his aroused state.

"Can I ask you something, Ben?" I say softly.

"Um, sure."

"It's been a while, right? Since you've been touched, there…"

His cheeks redden even more when he nods.

"I might be able to help you out, you know, a happy ending, but that won't be for free."

His eyes widen and he quickly replies, "no, I can't do that."

I agree, "yeah, you're absolutely right. A good-looking guy like you shouldn't have to pay for something like that, I'm sorry I brought it up."

"That's fine," he says.

I continue the sensual massage in silence, but after a while, he clears his throat and then whispers "how much?"

I look down to hide my knowing smile and say "five hundred."

Ben releases a long breath and his face falls, when he whispers, "I don't have that amount of cash here. I only have about three hundred."

"How about just a hand job then?" I suggest in my most innocent voice.

I'm actually relieved that his cash is limited, so I won't have to explain why the rest of my body isn't for sale. The rich ones have difficulty accepting that.

"That sounds great," he sighs, clearly relieved that his suffering is about to end.

I take a step back and he gets the hint. He wraps the towel around his waist and gets up from the bed to find the money. When he walks back into the room, I can tell he's nervous again. He hands me the money and says, "I don't usually do this."

"I believe you, Ben. But hey, it's your money, you worked hard for it, and you deserve a release. Nobody needs to find out."

He nods and visibly relaxes again. All through his nerves, the erection never softened, and I suspect he's about to explode at the first touch.

Still, I like him to enjoy as much as possible, so that hopefully, he'll remember me.

I cover my hands with oil and softly spread the warm fluid over his hard cock. He breathes out with a moan and closes his eyes again as I start tracing patterns with my fingertips from his base to his tip.

From time to time I wrap my fingers around him to squeeze tight, but I avoid actually jerking him just yet. I notice pleased that he's moaning out loud now while his body squirms underneath my touch.

Just when he's about to beg, I make a ring with two fingers around his base, squeezing it tight so that his orgasm is prolonged just a little bit longer, and my other hand starts sliding up and down his shaft. Every time my palm glides over his wet tip, his belly tenses and he lets out a groan. He's close now and his hips start pushing upwards.

Finally I have mercy on the poor boy and let go. Both my hands move up and down fast, while I softly encourage him.

"That's it, Ben, come on," I moan, "that's right, let it all out, come for me."

With one last groan, his body collapses on the mattress while his cock twitches and pulses in my hands. A few powerful squirts land on his belly, all the way up to his shoulders, and I keep pumping him until he's completely empty.

"Jeezes," he pants, "that was… fuck… that must have been the most amazing thing I ever felt."

I smile smugly. They usually feel like this after such a long foreplay. With their girlfriends, there is no need to build the tension and tease for hours, if they know they can have her whenever they want.

I quickly clean him up and lean over to kiss him on the cheek. He's still panting, utterly spent on the bed. Before I stand up again, I whisper in his ear, "you were amazing too, Ben. And I bet you taste incredible as well, so if you ever have more cash around, give me a call, I'll leave my card."

He groans at the image of a blow job and I grin. After putting my card on his nightstand, I quietly get out of his apartment, leaving him in bliss on the bed.

I actually liked this one, and I wonder if he'll ever dare to call me again. Maybe one of his friends will if he shares this story.

On my way back, I can't help thinking of Jacob again.

I ran towards this distraction to get away from him. How close he got to the real me for a second there.

But now I'm walking home again, I already look forward to his company. Even if it means being dangerously close and putting my heart and all the walls I built on the line.

I wish I would be less complicated. I wish I could just walk into the apartment and snuggle next to him on the couch.

Somehow another image pops into my mind and the couch snuggle scene changes. What if I'd fall into my familiar pattern around men? Seducing them and making them need that happy ending, need me.

I suddenly imagine everything that happened just now, but with Jacob instead.

I must admit that he's got a great body and I'd enjoy giving him pleasure like this.

But no. I firmly shake my head, making the image go away. I can never do this to Jacob.

For him, it would mean more than a happy ending, and going down that road with him, would ruin everything. I need to promise myself, here and now, that I will never seduce Jacob. I won't use him to make myself feel confident, I don't need that kind of confidence around him anyway. I don't need to play an innocent slut to get his attention.

I should in fact be more appreciative of the respectful way he treats me. I can't blame him for the rotten nature of mankind. When everybody else has proven to me that they are only interested in one thing, he's never even made a move on me suggesting anything like that, even though it's clear that he does have a little crush, just like he did when we were younger.

So along with the promise to never seduce him, I also decide to be a little more open from now on.

He still can't find out my secrets, but I'll be nice to him at least. Even when my instincts tell me to run and push him away, I have to fight that. It's clear that I'm in too deep already.

It's clear that I can't spend one afternoon away from home without missing him a little.

By the time I reach the apartment, I'm ready to apologize in all honesty.

But he's already gone to sleep and I don't have the courage to knock on his door.

Maybe I'll make it up to him tomorrow, if my mood hasn't changed since then.

AN: I wrote this chapter at night, I hope you liked it. So Bella panicked and ran off, let's hope Jacob will still want to talk to her tomorrow. What do you think?