Hey guys. I'm so grateful for all the nice comments I've received about this story so far. But I just want to make one thing clear.

This story is quite a horrible subject matter. And yes, Blaine is a pretty horrible guy. Obviously views expressed in this story are not my personal ones and they are pretty extreme. They're also massively covering up true feelings, which shows the extent of pressure put upon kids like Blaine in schools like McKinley. So I can see why some people may not be comfortable with this.

Things will change as the story progresses and they will get better, but in some ways they also wont. So if you don't like where it is headed I don't mind at all if you want to stop reading.

Thanks

Liz xxx

Chapter 4 - The Deal

I didn't know quite how I was supposed to react. Should I be happy about something like this? I kept secrets from people all the time, even people like Quinn. I had cheated on her a bunch of times and she'd never found out. But somehow this was different. This felt more…dirty.

Luckily I still didn't see Kurt for most of the day at school – in fact the only way we really communicated was through text.

Do you want to meet up after school today?

I'd received the message during the middle of Spanish and had nearly blushed from head to foot. Fuck. I was still not really ok with this. Maybe we shouldn't plan these events, maybe Kurt should just ambush me like he did last time and I would just go along with it. Puck shot me a glance from across the room but I just shook my head, making him assume if was just a dirty message from Quinn. When the lesson finished he demanded to see the text, so I distracted him with some comment about Miss Corcoran and simultaneously brought up and old one I'd received a couple of days ago. He bought it.

It had taken me basically the whole day to come up with a reply, but by the time the bell rang for end of class we had a plan. I strolled out of English trying not to look like anything was different, that I was about to go off to some random hook up with a guy. Quinn was there to meet me and I kissed her with the same level of passion, not thinking about who else I would be kissing in fifteen minutes time.

"Are we gonna do something today? You totally bailed on me yesterday." As she ran her fingers coyly down my chest I winced, not wanting to have to be the bearer of bad news.

"Baby, I'm sorry, my Dad has been on my case to get stuff for the house so I can't." Immediately my girlfriend's whole face scrunched up in disappointment. Seeing her like that made it very hard to feel good about deceiving her.

"Can't I come too?"

"Simone will be there." That was the deciding point. Quinn liked my Dad's girlfriend even less than I did – due to the fact that she disproved of our fornicating. With that added detail there was no way she would want to come.

"That's rubbish."

"I know." Pulling her in I nestled my nose in her hair, breathing in her scent and realising for the fifty millionth time that she really did just smell of chewing gum and lavender.

"When will you be done?"

"I don't know." That was the only honest answer I'd given so far.

"Well if you don't get finished till late then I want the whole of tomorrow with you, ok?" A small laugh escaped from my lips as she scolded me, her finger tapping against the end of my nose.

"Ok, sure."

"Good." Lips were suddenly on mine and I let her kiss me for a considerable amount of time, before pulling away and pointing at the clock.

"I have to go."

"Ok, see you later."

"Bye."

I sat in my car for about five minutes, parked up right behind the school. Man this was just stupid. Why had I agreed to this? We were sneaking around like fucking pre-schoolers. It was insane. I wasn't doing this. My hand reached to start the engine when suddenly my phone bleeped.

I'm ready.

Fuck.

The school seemed much more eerie completely deserted. It was either that, or the creeping around, that made me feel like I was in a horror movie. My footsteps seemed to echo through the corridor and I winced at the sound, convinced every few seconds or so that I was going to get caught. As I headed towards our designated destination I again wondered what the hell I was doing. This was such a stupid idea – I should never have suggested it. Maybe Kurt had some kind of control over me that only worked when we were close. I was fine when he wasn't around. I didn't need to do this.

I was still two inches from bailing when I reached the cupboard, the cupboard in the science classroom that nobody ever used anymore. The door was slightly open so I knew he was inside and the thought made the panic rise right up to spilling point. Then it opened and I saw him.

"Hi."

"Hi." We both stood there. Kurt was crouched in the cupboard. It didn't really seem very comfortable. He was dressed in an open-necked shirt, which was some weird shade of pink, and red skinny jeans. He'd never looked more gay in his life. As I stared at him fear ran through me again, fear over what we were about to do, about how I'd actually agreed to this instead of it just happening. My feet itched to run away but at the same time they were rooted to the floor, just like they had been at the party and the other day. Kurt sensed my hesitance and he sighed, holding out his hand.

"Come here." His palm was outstretched, inviting. I didn't have to take it. For a while I just stood there, staring at it, like it was some new species I'd never seen before and didn't know what to do with. Then, very slowly, I reached out my hand and linked the fingers with his. Kurt sighed again, a small comforting smile spreading across his face. He looked at me carefully for conformation, before gently beginning to pull me towards him. Once more panic ran through me – my body momentarily fought against the movement but eventually it relented, allowing me closer and closer towards him, closer to that smell and taste. I reached the edge of the cupboard and my foot hit against the ledge, so I almost tripped. Kurt jerked out his other hand to catch me but I managed to steady myself, and slowly lifted my feet over one by one. It felt like I was stepping into some kind of cavern that I couldn't get out of. Once I was inside Kurt kept hold of my hand, staring into my eyes as he gradually closed the door. It seemed to take forever but eventually we were immersed in darkness.

Once it was pitch black my mind went completely blank. I closed my eyes a couple of times to see if there was any difference in the shade and realised it was pretty much the same. I couldn't see Kurt but I could feel him, feel his hand still gripping mine, his breath on my face and the hum of his presence.

"Blaine?" He said quietly, almost in a whisper. Every hair on my body stood up.

"Yes."

"I'm going to kiss you now. Is that ok?" There was a silence. This was the last chance for me to back out, to leave now and forget this had ever happened. This was it.

"Yes."

I was expecting to be assaulted, but this time Kurt proceeded slowly with much more care. Maybe now I was willing he didn't have to be so forceful, but before anything happened I felt the tips of his toes touch mine as he shuffled forward, then a hand reaching out to slip round the back of my neck, tilting my head forward for the best angle. As I felt his face move closer my heart began to race at a hundred miles an hour, beating so loudly I swear he could hear it. Kurt's breathing became faster and I wondered if he was nervous too, before suddenly our lips touched and everything was forgotten.

It was like someone had switched on a light in my brain. Before my kisses with Kurt had been rushed, full of want and lustful need. This one was different. Kurt kissed me slowly and I felt every inch of my body turn to jelly. Feeling unstable I stumbled forward and he reach out a hand to catch me, gripping onto my hip tightly. I reached out my hands too and they fumbled to grab onto his shirt, not really succeeding. I would have laughed but Kurt was already working wonders on the inside of my mouth, lapping at it in a way that drove me insane. As we kissed deeper I felt a chest press against mine and knees gently brush across my leg. Kurt still had his hand of my hip and he used this to hold us in place, his other hand pressing our heads together lightly, but not forcefully like he normally did. I definitely wasn't struggling, in fact I was pretty much being moulded, my body physically unable to do anything but succumb completely and utterly to him. I felt Kurt exhale slowly, the fingers at my neck beginning to twine in my hair and suddenly my hands found their target, pressing deep into the small of his back, wanting to feel as much of his skin on mine as possible. The tension in the air was unbearable – I could feel it vibrating across my skin and it wasn't enough. I needed more. Taking matters into my own hands I began to push us towards the wall. The way was rocky and we stumbled and rocked a few times, faltering but never breaking contact with our lips of hands. There were all kinds of scientific equipment lying around but they were all kicked to the side until we found the expanse of wall. I pressed Kurt up against it and he groaned, immediately pulling me in closer and hooking his leg round mine to keep me there. I wasn't going anywhere. As we kissed further and deeper, beginning to pick up pace, I felt Kurt's crotch buck up against mine and almost screamed, the feeling fizzing through me like electricity. Sensing my reaction he did it again, and pretty soon we were grinding against each other. I was hard, and he was too – oh God, I was hard from another guy. The thought of how this normally happened and where it normally lead suddenly brought me back to reality – I broke away and Kurt whimpered like he so often did – the sound making my skin tingle again.

"I'm sorry." I didn't know why I was apologising. Even though we'd broken contact with our mouths our bodies were still pressed together and I could feel the hardness loud and clear. It was making me sweat.

"What's wrong?" Kurt stroked the back of my neck with his fingers and I very nearly purred.

"I…erm…just…" To try and illustrate my point better I brought our crotches away from each other – from how it sounded he seemed disappointed, but I couldn't see his face to gauge his full reaction.

"Oh, ok. You're not ready for that. I suppose we can save it till later." For a second Kurt's words worried me (there certainly hadn't been a discussion about 'later' nor was I sure this would even go on for that much longer) but after he spoke he pressed a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth and I forgot about it completely.

"Do you still want to do this?" His mouth whispered in my ear. Before my brain had even begun to come up with a reply my head was nodding, prompting another silence filled only with the sound of lips on lips and skin on skin.

I was totally confused.

I'd come up with the 'arrangement' to try and sort out my feelings. To help my brain decide what the hell was going on with it, and then sort it out – hopefully dispel it completely. All it had actually done was created thousands more questions.

I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. It had been an hour and a half since I'd got home – an hour and forty minutes since mine and Kurt's encounter in the cupboard. I didn't even know what to think about it. Had it been fun? In a way it had. In a way it had been the most horrendous torture incredibly possible. As I went over the details in my head I found myself feeling repulsed. Kurt had had his hands all over me. He had been doing what Quinn normally did on a daily basis. And it had felt just as good. In fact, it had felt better. Whether he was just an amazing lover or if it was the male race in general – I'd felt it. No matter how wrong it was.

I turned over. Blaine – what were you thinking? Allowing yourself to do this? It was madness. I wasn't supposed to be feeling like this. I was supposed to be like every other guy in this world – turned on by girls and turned off by guys. That was the normal way. Why was I any different? Had I taken something recently to make me gay? Some kind of pill that had changed my brain? All I knew now was that I felt unclean, dirty. Suddenly I jumped up, running to the shower and turning it on to full power. I stripped off and leaped inside, not caring that it was still cold. My hands reached out for the sponge and I immediately began to scrubs at my skin – trying to wash the gay off and reveal the normal Blaine underneath. When that didn't feel any different I turned the water up to full heat – right until it was scalding, burning my skin. Maybe if I stood here long enough I would burn it away instead – the rawness would express the true me and things would go back to how they were. I dug my head in the flow and felt the pain coarse through my body – it was searing but I forced myself to endure it. I was wrong. I was a freak. I needed to be punished for the thoughts in my head and they needed to go away. Suddenly I was crying, tears that felt cold compared to the scalding water and dripped down to be washed away down the sink, just like my dreams and previous life experiences.

I was a mess.