Objects of Desire: Chapter Three – The Razors and the Dying Roses
The stone of Morpheus's scrying room was so black it seemed to drink in light, making the torches in the corners seem weak and feeble. A round pool of softly shifting water sat at the center of the room, throwing back the torchlight in faint, flickering patterns. Utena stood opposite him, hands folded behind her back, heart still racing.
She breathed deeply, trying to make sense of what had just happened and what Desire's words could mean. Desire had created Akio. . . . Utena nodded to herself; it was easy to believe. If Morpheus was the king of dreams, then Desire had to be the king or queen of wanting things, she supposed. Desire could easily make a man who made people want him too.
Flushed, Utena lowered her gaze to the pool, watching the orange sparks dance across its surface. She'd wanted Akio, she couldn't deny that. More than wanted. All the same. . . . After what she'd just felt with Desire, that uncontrollable need, she started to wonder.
She'd thought she loved him. Had she? Or had that all been part of his game, part of himself, just what he did to people? If Desire was about wanting, had it made Akio to be about loving?
Utena shook her head violently, trying to chase away the thought. Making someone want you wasn't love. And now–
Now, they were going back.
Ohtori, seen from above, appeared in the scrying pool, and Utena held herself steady. She glanced up at Morpheus, saw him deep in concentration. His eyes met hers, and he nodded.
"Interesting."
"What is?" Utena asked.
"The world is bound by its borders," Morpheus said, gesturing to the pool. "Observe."
The view of Ohtori in the pool grew smaller, then–
Utena gasped. Just past the roads that wound in circles not far from the campus, the world ended, and a purple-black haze dotted with stars surrounded the entire place. The pool's view shifted, showing Ohtori from the side, and Utena saw a sun, a sky, and nothing else beyond. A world unto itself, nothing but the school and a few handfuls of buildings, nothing more than a mile beyond Ohtori's walls.
So that was it . . . that was why she didn't remember traveling much beyond campus, why the roads around there seemed to go nowhere else. There was nowhere else.
She frowned as something occurred to her. "If there's nothing else, how did I escape? How did Anthy – did she?"
"I cannot tell." Morpheus's black eyes narrowed, and the image of Ohtori rotated again, zoomed in from above. "The pool is limited to viewing at a distance, unless I wish otherwise, and I do not want Akio to know we are coming."
"So we have to go there," Utena said, putting a hand to her mouth.
"Yes." Morpheus's voice was resolute. "If either of us is to have any answers, we must go."
The picture in the pool continued to draw closer, and moved across the buildings of campus, circling around the dorms and heading toward the tower at the center. As the view neared the tower, she saw those she knew – the student council was in session, Juri and Miki sitting at a table on a balcony that jutted out midway up the tower. Touga stood near the edge, his back to them, his long red hair blowing in the breeze.
It seemed that he was posing, even if there was no one to watch. How typical, Utena thought with a faint smile. A prince in his own mind, at the least.
As Utena watched, the view swept across campus, and voices trickled through when it drew close enough. She caught snippets of conversation, so familiar – worries about tests, gossip and drama, the shouts and grunts of the sports teams hard at work and play. She expected to hear someone call for her, everything seemed so close.
A sad smile reached Utena's face. So close, and yet truly so far away.
It couldn't have been so long ago. . . . She'd walked into the dueling forest one last time, Anthy waiting for her on the stairs outside, and then somehow also waiting for her within the gondola to take them both to the arena. Somehow, she'd never questioned that; it was the way the duels worked and there was no explanation. Even walking up the hundreds of stairs to the arena had never tired her, never made her weary before a duel. And she'd never stopped to wonder how her opponent got there.
So many things, so many questions she should have asked. Should she ask Akio when they arrived?
She remembered Morpheus's words, that she would not like the answers, and suppressed a shudder. Maybe she wouldn't ask.
The image faded as she realized this, and she looked at Morpheus again, wondering if he'd been reading her thoughts, or perhaps her wonderings. His expression was blank, neutral. Behind him, the stone door opened, and he turned to leave. Utena hurried after him.
The doorway led them back into the library, through what Utena was sure had been a fireplace when she'd been here not long ago. Morpheus looked around, then nodded as Lucien approached them.
"I have the information you requested, lord," Lucien said. He glanced from Morpheus to Utena and back. "Will it still be necessary?"
"I'm unsure," Morpheus said. "Utena and I will be leaving, for what will likely not be a long journey. Keep watch while I am gone."
"As you wish, my lord." Lucien bowed at the waist, then disappeared into the library once more.
Utena looked up at Morpheus once they were alone again. "So . . . how do we get there?"
"You are nervous," Morpheus said. "Why?"
Utena turned. The fireplace was there, and she sat down in an armchair near it. Morpheus sat in a chair across from her, and folded his hands in his lap. She watched him for a moment, then looked down at her hands.
"It's a lot of things," she said, her voice quiet. "I didn't know . . . what was going to happen. I don't even remember why I went to Ohtori, I was just surprised when there were other people there with the same ring."
She toyed with the ring on her finger, staring down at the familiar pattern. For a moment, she wondered if she should still wear it, then she thought of Anthy and had her answer.
"And with everything that happened, I don't think I want to go back," she continued. I don't even remember leaving. I don't know if anybody will remember me, or even recognize me."
"Why would they not?" Morpheus asked.
"I don't know." Utena frowned, lost herself in thought for a moment. "It's only been a day or two, but I've been thinking of all these things, things I didn't wonder about when I was there. And I was thinking about how . . . how Desire was, and what it did, and if it created Akio, what Akio could do."
"My sister-brother is not without power, but Desire is self-limiting." Morpheus frowned. "Desire does what Desire wishes, and that is often the end of things. What one of its creations would be capable of, I could not say." He paused. "This worries you as well."
Utena only nodded.
Morpheus stood, his blue-black robes falling neatly about him. "We must go. Delaying changes nothing, and will not make it easier."
She took a deep breath and stood. He was right, though that didn't mean she would look forward to the trip. "How do we get there?"
Morpheus almost seemed to smile. "All things dream, or nearly so. We will travel the ways of the Dreaming until we find a dreamer from Ohtori." He turned and began walking, motioned for Utena to follow. "Stay close, and do not wander. Nothing will harm you so long as you walk with me."
Utena fell into step beside him, and the world around them began to change.
The library walls melted away, until only the stone floor beneath their feet remained, which became a pale white walkway through nothingness. Color changed around them as they walked, and when bright orange light surrounded them, the road they walked shifted to a long dirt path through an endless savannah.
Sudden motion caught Utena's eye, and she turned to see a tribe of naked huntsmen leaping through the grass, chasing a lion the color of midnight, their spears striking sparks from the sky as they arced toward the beast. She watched for a moment as the hunters brought down their kill, then hurried to catch up with Morpheus.
The dirt path led them to a wide-mouthed cavern, stalactites poking down over the entrance, slowly dripping onto the pale blue rock beneath. The sound of deep, even breaths came from within, and Utena stepped more quickly, staying with Morpheus. He might be lord of this place, but that didn't mean nothing would try to scare her away from his side.
They made their way through the cave, Morpheus's steps never failing, his eyes shining in the darkness. When light came from up ahead, it was the deep purple-blue of near dawn, thousands of stars shining in the darkness.
The cave ended atop the roof of a building, hundreds of stories up from silent city streets. Morpheus paused, and Utena looked around. Wherever they were seemed almost dead, with only a few lights in a few windows scattered across the cityscape. It was a larger place than ever she'd seen before; Ohtori could have disappeared within a few blocks and anyone who had no reason to go that way would never know it was there.
Was that how Ohtori was supposed to be? A school that could be anywhere, lost in a city without people, only Desire and Akio knowing where it truly was? Utena frowned at the thought, looked down at her ring again. It had led her to Ohtori once, perhaps–
"Ah." Morpheus began walking again, toward the roof's edge.
"What were you looking for?" Utena asked as she caught up with him again.
"A school," he said, and placed one foot upon the roof's rim. "This is an old city, and might be any city in any dream. But it has been some time since I was last here."
Utena stepped up next to him, and looked down. The height seemed dizzying, yet she felt no vertigo. Maybe knowing this was some kind of dream made it easier; she knew Morpheus would not let her fall.
"How long?" she asked idly, looking down for any sign of dreamers.
"Longer than I wish to think about." Morpheus stepped out into the empty air and walked, motioned again for Utena to follow.
She swallowed hard, hoped she'd been right a moment ago, and took a first step after him. The air held her, and she followed, silently marveling at the world around them.
They took a descending path over and through the city, walking the airways over and around buildings, once passing through two windows to get through an empty home with dozens of pictures hanging on the walls. The eyes of those in the photos moved as Utena and Morpheus passed, but always stilled when she turned to them.
In time, they reached a low group of buildings with a high wall around it, and a long gate at the front of the place. A blurry sign at the front looked somehow official and anonymous all at once. Utena peered at the place, and came to understand.
"It's a school," she said with a nod. "It couldn't be anything else, could it?"
Morpheus shook his head once, and the two of them walked onto campus. Buildings rose around them, all with long hallways and tall windows and open doorways that led into rooms filled with rows of desks. The smell of chalk dust lingered at the edges of Utena's senses, and she half-heard students calling to each other and the stern voices of teachers trying to get them to quiet down.
The colors of the walls, first all dark shades of blue, slowly began to change as they walked, until Utena found herself once again surrounded by Ohtori's familiar hallways. She followed Morpheus to the third-floor classrooms, fighting to remind herself that this wasn't real, that she hadn't gone back.
Not yet.
High-pitched, triumphant laughter came from one of the rooms ahead. Morpheus headed in that direction. Utena paused for a moment; the laughter sounded vaguely familiar. Those three voices, always together. . . . Morpheus stopped at the classroom doorway, then looked back at her.
Utena reached the doorway and looked inside, and her eyes snapped open wide.
The scene could only have been one from a dream; to see it so real before her made Utena wonder yet again if she'd somehow been imagining this entire journey. The classroom was arranged into some kind of royal court, with all the desks shoved to the sides of the room and all the students on their knees, bowing to the queen at the front of the room.
Queen? Queens. . . . The one with the crown changed and changed again as Utena watched. She recognized the girls, though their names eluded her. Those three girls, all somehow dedicated to Nanami, all an occasional and bizarre source of trouble. Two stood behind the third, and that third was sitting on – not a throne, but Nanami on her hands and knees, stripped naked, her hair unbound and hanging before her tear-streaked face.
The girls switched again, so now the one with pigtails was the queen, the crown sitting at an arrogant angle atop her head, and the other two stood behind her. The cruel laughter never stopped.
Utena looked up at Morpheus. His expression hadn't changed. "Whose dream is this?" she asked, her voice quiet. If it was Nanami's, the girl must be having a nightmare. If it was one of the girls', then why were they changing?
"It's an oddity," Morpheus said, sounding faintly interested. "Their dreams are so similar as to be one and the same. Each dreams of being the queen, at one other's expense." He walked into the classroom; the dreamers paid him no attention.
Utena walked in after him, still staring at the shifting scene of royalty. "They all want to be above her," she said, frowning. "I thought they were friends, once. Anthy said something about who they really loved, or who one of them loved." She bowed her head and turned away. "I feel sorry for them."
"Come closer," Morpheus said, and waited until she stood right next to him. "We leave the Dreaming here."
Utena blinked. "How--"
The scene around them shimmered and shuddered, and the dreamers disappeared. Utena and Morpheus stood in an empty classroom, all the desks in their proper places, the blackboard clean for the next day. The same purple light of near-daybreak filtered in through the windows. Somehow everything seemed more solid, without the sense that it could change at any time that had persisted throughout the Dreaming.
Utena took a deep breath. The smells of this place were still there, all so familiar. She glanced down at herself, half-expecting to suddenly be in her uniform once again. The dark blue and grey of her new outfit seemed to clash with this entire place.
Suddenly, the dawn's light came in through the windows, swiftly growing brighter, as though the sun raced into the morning sky. Morpheus scowled, his eyes growing still darker.
"He knows we're here," he said. "Come."
The buildings that held the classrooms stood around a large central yard, and by the time Utena and Morpheus reached the yard, the school bustled with students. The familiar green-and-white uniforms seemed bright and cheerful, and from all around came voices filled with laughter, students greeting each other at the start of a new day.
No one looked at them at all, Utena noticed, even when they changed their paths to walk around her or Morpheus. She thought about calling out to see if anyone would notice her, but hesitated. What would she do if they answered, and what would she do if they didn't?
The tower stood at the center of campus, the highest place in all of Ohtori, and Morpheus led them in that direction. Utena fell a step or two behind him, looking down at the ground. Akio knew they were here. Akio was waiting for them. Akio was waiting for her. She clenched her fist, let the edges of the ring dig into her fingers. She would be strong, she had to. Anthy was still out there somewhere, and if Akio knew anything, Morpheus would make him tell her.
After all, Morpheus wanted Anthy back too.
Then, she wondered, what would happen once they found Anthy? Would Morpheus want her to stay in the Dreaming? He was set on getting her back, Utena had no doubt about that, but he hadn't said anything about what would happen next. After all she'd gone through to save Anthy so far, and with whatever happened after this . . . would she lose Anthy again?
Utena raised her head and was about to ask when someone called out something that stopped her where she stood.
"Wa-ka-baaaa!"
A black-haired girl in the girls' uniform sped through the crowd. As Utena watched, the girl leaped, and collided with another girl, this one with brown hair pulled high and tight into a ponytail with one long curl looped over her high forehead.
"Wakaba," Utena gasped.
Wakaba stumbled as the other girl clung to her shoulders, and yelling and proclamations of love ensured. Utena stood, her mouth partway open, hardly able to believe what she saw. It was just as Wakaba had been for her, saying nearly the exact same things; Wakaba even said the same things Utena had said in protest so many times before. A single moment from Utena's life played out before her with the wrong people in the wrong roles. She started to say something, felt her mouth go dry, nearly choked.
"You knew her."
Utena jumped, realized Morpheus stood right next to her. She coughed, then turned away from the too-familiar scene. "She was my best friend," Utena whispered. "Now. . . ."
"Interesting," Morpheus said with a frown. "I see nothing of you in her mind. Perhaps you were correct in guessing that no one here would remember you."
She turned and stared up at him, her mouth slightly open. It had only been a guess, just something she'd wondered about once she found herself thinking about so many things she'd not thought of before. But for it to be true . . . was it like she'd never been here?
Bells tolled atop the tower. All around them, the students hurried. Utena didn't move until the campus was quiet again, all the classrooms full. She wiped at her eyes, then looked at Morpheus again and took a deep breath.
"Let's go."
He said nothing, but continued toward the tower. Utena followed.
The only door at the tower's base led directly into an elevator. An abstract rose larger than she was tall greeted them, painted on the elevator's doors. Morpheus entered the elevator without hesitating, and once Utena was inside, the doors closed behind her.
A quiet and familiar dinging sound rang out, and the elevator rose.
"If he knows we're coming," Utena said after a few floors went by in silence, "you think he wants to see us?"
"I think he wants to see you," Morpheus said. "I doubt he is looking forward to having to deal with me."
She looked at him from the corner of her eye. "Do you think he's afraid of you?"
Stars flickered through Morpheus's eyes for a moment, then went out. "He held one of my dreams without permission. He should be."
The ding sounded again, and the doors opened, revealing a room Utena had hoped to never see again.
The view from the top of the tower was staggering; all of campus and the ocean and town beyond were visible. From here, Utena never would have guessed that this world ended beyond the tower's view. Arched windows, stories tall all on their own, let the morning light flood the room, shining bright across the red floor. The planetarium projector dominated the center of the room, its windows dark, the machinery still. Two white couches faced each other on opposite sides of a small table, tea for three already set out, wisps of steam rising from the flower-painted cups.
A broad wooden desk, the only new furniture in the room, sat off to the side, facing the elevator. Sitting on the desk's edge, one leg folded politely over the other, looking at her like he'd been waiting all his life for this moment, was Akio.
Utena scowled, drawing on as much hatred as she could, remembering the moment when he'd come to her in the arena and claimed to be her prince, the man behind the way she'd chosen to live her life. No. He'd wanted her to take off the ring, he never would have given it to her in the first place.
This was not her prince.
"Welcome back," Akio said, his voice rich and mellow and meant for her alone. "I've missed you."
Morpheus started toward him without hesitation. Utena steeled herself as she followed. Let him do the talking, she thought. All they needed was to know what had happened to Anthy, then they could go.
As they approached, Utena saw Anthy's glasses sitting next to Akio on the desk. Her heart pounded a few hard, painful beats. Was she still here? Should they have checked the rose garden? No, Morpheus would have known, she was one of his – but he hadn't known until Utena said something – why did Akio have her glasses?
"You have someone of mine," Morpheus said, stopping a few feet away from Akio, seeming unimpressed by the other man's casual manner. "Tell me where Anthy is."
Akio threw his head back and laughed, as though this was all part of some elaborate comedy. "There's no reason I should tell you anything, Dream King. You should keep better track of your own." He leered at Utena, his eyes gleaming. "I keep track of mine."
Silence. Utena pulled her gaze away from Akio, and looked at Morpheus. Stars flared in the centers of his eyes. He said nothing, hardly seemed to notice her, focusing on Akio alone. She realized the next word was hers.
"I'm not yours," Utena said firmly. Not so hard, was it, she thought. She'd defied him before at the arena, gone against everything he'd wished for her. He'd laughed then, told her that she knew nothing, that she was playing prince halfway. She watched his face now, looked for the amusement in his eyes.
It was still there. He still laughed at her.
"You were once, weren't you?" he asked, his voice low and seductive. "You betrayed someone you called your friend to be mine."
"Stop it," Utena said through gritted teeth. "Tell us where Anthy is, that's the only reason we're here!"
"Is it?" Akio pushed himself off of the desk, long legs unfolding, and strode toward her, eyes on her alone.
Utena froze as Akio approached, memories flooding her mind. All of the past two days seemed to wash away as she recalled the time she'd spent with Akio and everything that had happened. He turned neatly and stepped behind her, his scent clean and masculine and utterly familiar, and Utena flushed red.
"You came back to me," Akio whispered. "It's not too late. All that you left behind. . . ."
His fingertips drifted across her cheek, his breath was warm on her ear. Utena's eyelids fluttered as she struggled not to fall back–
Desire. He was Desire's, its creation and probably its lover, if either of them were truly who they showed themselves to be. Utena remembered that encounter, and shoved Akio away as well, sending him stumbling back toward the elevator.
"No," Utena breathed, then steadied herself. "No." She looked Akio in the eye, her frown set hard on her face. "I met Desire."
"And you resisted?" Akio's eyebrows rose. "Perhaps I underestimated you." He tilted his head to look at Morpheus. "Or perhaps this is your influence. You surprise me, Morpheus, I wouldn't think that you would interfere."
Morpheus's eyes narrowed. "I tire of this. You will speak plainly," he said, and the last sentence had the ring of a command. "Now."
Akio's eyes widened for a moment, then he walked over and relaxed against the desk again, picked up a cup of tea that hadn't been there a moment ago and sipped. "It's your choice," he said, nodding to Morpheus. "It would have been easier on her."
"Speak, Akio," Morpheus said, unmoving.
Akio smiled. "You are mine, Utena, as Anthy belongs to Morpheus and I belong to Desire."
Utena felt the bottom drop out of her stomach, and her knees began to shake. How. . . ?
"I don't know what happened to you." Akio went on, as casual as if they were discussing tea or the weather or the stars. "No one else had so much . . . drive, so much free will. They were all content to play their roles." His smile slowly faded, turning to an unfamiliar scowl. "No one else would have caused so much trouble."
She stared down at her ring, clenched her hands together to keep them from quivering. "That's impossible," she whispered. "I remember – my parents, they died, and then the prince came – I remember--"
"How much do you remember?" Akio asked, his voice almost kind. "Tell me about your parents. What did they look like, how did they treat you? How did you come to Ohtori, and when? What happened to you in-between?"
"I–!" Utena opened her mouth, then froze, wracking her mind as she searched for the answers to his questions. Blank. Nothing. No memories of her parents' faces, nothing of their voices, and not a single idea of what she'd done between the funeral and her arrival at Ohtori. She collapsed to the hard red floor.
The sound of Akio's boots on the floor was familiar and somehow sinister, coming slowly toward her. When he spoke, contempt was clear in his voice. "I blame Dios. He gave you such . . . inspiration, more than I'd thought possible. You were never meant to be a prince, you should have played the game like everyone else."
"Dios." Utena managed to raise her head, to look him in the eye. "You. You were Dios."
"Did you think I lied?" Akio smiled again, charming and cruel. He looked away for a moment, his expression turning oddly contemplative. "Yes. I was Dios, for a time, so I could learn what it was like to fall." The scowl returned as he looked back to her. "You were never meant to be a prince yourself, you were only there to help me learn what I wanted to know.
"I suppose Dios made you what you are. You were born by the rose, you live by the rose. You'll return to me, and someday, you'll die by the rose, like you never were."
Utena looked past him, to Anthy's glasses on the desk. She forced herself to focus. Nothing else mattered. "But Anthy wasn't yours," she managed.
Akio's gaze followed hers. "Not at first. She fought." He ran the tip of his tongue across his upper lip. "She fought. But in time . . . she let herself forget who she was. The glasses made it easier. If you don't see yourself in the mirror, then who are you?"
A memory flickered through Utena's mind – standing in the tower, looking out across Ohtori, looking through her own reflection in the window. That was when she'd taken off the ring, for the first time in as long as she could remember.
The person in the mirror hadn't turned out to be her; she'd put the ring back on soon enough. But if Anthy could not. . . .
"You made her forget," Morpheus said, his voice echoing. Utena shivered; she'd nearly forgotten he was there. "You made her forget, so she would not show up on the census of dreams."
"Everyone forgets here," Akio said, "it's one of the joys of youth. Do you think anyone will remember seeing either of you? They forgot you as soon as they saw." He chuckled at Utena. "All those in the council, do you think they remember you?"
"The council. . . ." Utena suddenly understood what Desire had meant about those Akio marked, about his particular fetish. The hair colors of the student council, herself, and Anthy – Akio had marked them all as his playthings. She remembered them, the meeting she'd seen in Morpheus's scrying pool. Akio wasn't done toying with them.
Morpheus hadn't moved from where he stood, but his voice could have shattered stone. "You stole one of my own and made her forget. I have every right to destroy you for this."
"Do you think she's the only one?" Akio laughed. "Another came of her own will. But you," he said, kneeling at Utena's side, "made Anthy remember. No one else cared to. And she saw that you could leave and thought she could do the same."
Sudden understanding dawned in Utena's eyes. "You don't know where she is either," she said quietly.
"But I know where you are," he said, and leaned close, over her. "Come. Stay. Wouldn't it be easy to forget all of this, and just . . . be . . . Utena?"
He didn't say it, but she heard it in his voice: he still wanted her to play the princess.
Utena opened her mouth to protest, and the windows slid shut, casting the room into darkness. A moment later, the familiar white stone of the arena, the rose seal done in red all across it, glowed into existence.
Above, the lights of the castle in the sky bloomed to life, and a staircase rose from the center of the arena into the shadows. Utena quickly got to her feet, glanced around. Morpheus was gone.
No, she thought. Not again. Not now. He couldn't take her, couldn't make her forget, couldn't – turn her into his–
Two white boots appeared at the darkness at the top of the stairway, and began to descend. She recognized them immediately. Akio's outfit during the final duel, before he'd taken her sword from her and tried to make her his princess.
Utena took a step back, then another. There had to be something–
A sudden billowing sound, and Morpheus's blue-black cloak wrapped around her, his pale arm winding around her waist. The cold disorientation came again, and the arena blurred, and they were back in the Dreaming, back in the throne room of Morpheus's castle.
He released her, and Utena stumbled, barely catching herself before she fell. She gasped, finding it suddenly hard to breathe. How could any of it be true? How could–
Utena made herself stand up straight, and looked at Morpheus. She could barely manage a whisper. "You knew."
"I guessed," Morpheus said, looking profoundly unsurprised despite all that had just happened. "Would you have believed me if I'd told you what I thought?"
She shook her head, swallowed hard, wiped the tears from her eyes. No, she wouldn't have believed him. She still didn't want to. But Morpheus had ordered Akio to speak plainly, and it seemed he'd been forced to tell the truth. So, now. . . .
"What do we do now?" she asked.
"Now." Morpheus faced the throne room's doors, and put a hand to his chin. "Now, with a name and her memory, I should be able to trace Anthy. I will find her. If both of you fell into the Dreaming, there are only so many places she could have gone."
Utena nodded, then looked down at the floor, watching her reflection there. She looked tired, somehow . . . old. "What should I do?"
At first, Morpheus said nothing; Utena looked up at him. Some kind of sympathy showed in his eyes, an expression he seemed unfamiliar with. "Rest," he said. "I will call for you." He waved his hand.
Utena hardly noticed the cold sensation, and found herself back in her room. Rest, Morpheus had said. How could she, with all she'd learned?