I tried to post two days ago but it hasn't been letting me! :( I have many chapters finished, so I will post more regularly now, but please let me know what you think of it so far! I enjoy writing it very much so I really hope you all enjoy reading it.

Chapter 4

Olivia speaks softly, body curled up on one end of the couch. Amanda hasn't tried to touch her, she knows it won't be helpful. The words coming out of her mouth send deep, unsettling tremors through the younger woman's body.

The up and down in atmosphere she and Olivia have experienced can make any person motion sick.

She refocuses her attention on her friend as she hears her tone drop, quake.

"I was with him for almost five days.. they bleed together. I was so drugged up and drunk." She swipes at a tear away from her cheek and shakes her head. "The shitty part is.. is that the nights I don't remember are the ones I can't forget. I still don't know what exactly.. he did."

Amanda wonders how this topic came up. She doesn't question Olivia's choice for opening up now. Seven months later. But it still breaks her heart.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia." It's the most she can say. It's all she can say. She scoots closer, not much, but it's enough to make Olivia look up from her fidgeting hands. She gives the blonde a sad smile.

"It happened. I'm starting to accept it. Well.. trying to accept it." She shakes her head. "I haven't seen my therapist in two weeks. Maybe more." She murmurs softly, eyes casting down ashamedly.

"Liv…"

"I just.. I know it's not good but I haven't found the energy to drive into town to see her. I thought I was doing okay for a while."

The blonde closes the gap then, unable to keep space between them any longer. She knows what it's like. The feeling Olivia is going through is something similar to what she went through back in Atlanta. She takes Olivia into her arms and they sit there for a moment. This position has been a tradition for the past 3 days and she'll be damned if it changes. She's never felt closer to this woman.

"I can't make you go, Liv, but I can try and be here for you for as long as I can."

And that brings up the question that's been at the back of their minds for the past couple days. "When do you have to leave?" Olivia asks, brown eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Never.. if you don't want me to.."

Olivia scoffs, swiping at her eyes. Her hair is in a half up half down style and tendrils is curly brown strands cling to tanned flesh. This is what she's like without the makeup and hair product. Utterly gorgeous.

"You gotta go back sometime. I'm sure they're missing you."

Amanda shakes her head and leans back against the couch, body still in close contact with Olivia's. "I quit." She says shortly, eyes staring blindly at the ceiling.

"What? Why?"

The blonde shakes her head, but keeps her eyes in place. She knows the reason behind her quitting will terrify Olivia. They're both not ready to hear the words.

"Because it isn't where I belong." She replies lightly, a small smile gracing her lips. She'll never admit it but putting her papers in felt like a weight off her shoulders.

"And where is it that you belong?" Olivia's voice has reached a vulnerable, almost childlike tone, and Amanda knows that the answer to this will also terrify them both. That doesn't stop her brain from thinking it though.

Wherever you are.

"I'm still trying to figure it out." It's the easiest lie she's ever told. Because deep down, it's not fully a lie. Deep down she knows that it may be the only real truth she has at the moment.

"Me too."

And they sit there, like the night before and the day before that, bodies pressed closely together, heartbeats and breaths synchronized.

….

It's a silent agreement between the two of them that Amanda would not be leaving anytime soon. What she's got with her will suffice until she can go shopping for a few more things. She'd settled in her head on the way to New Mexico that she would be there for Olivia until she wasn't needed anymore, and that will stand for eternity.

She's given up everything for her everything. That means starting a new life with her in a different place as something in between friends and lovers. And she's okay with that.

Olivia's fingers had slipped in between hers what feels like hours ago, but was probably only about twenty minutes. That unspoken thing between them that they kind of spoke about sizzles on the backburner. Not enough to completely engulf them in flames but just enough to keep them warm for the time being.

And they don't feel the need to talk right now. So they just exist, right here on the couch, in the middle of a quiet living room of a house placed snugly in the outskirts of Albuquerque.

The hardest part about being so close to Olivia, is the fact that she also feels miles away at the same time. She could be physically holding this woman in her arms yet be in completely different realms. It haunts her deeply; how Olivia can drift so far off.

She feels the other woman's fingers loosen around hers and she looks over, seeing that she's falling asleep. They haven't had dinner but she doesn't see that happening anyway, so she instead stands up, cups Olivia's cheeks, and whispers until the other woman is awake. "Let's get you to your bed," She murmurs softly, helping the other woman up off the couch. They walk through the house, Amanda shuts the lights off as she goes, and when she passes by a window, she stops suddenly.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asks, and Amanda shakes her head.

"Nothing.. I just.. I haven't seen a sunset like that in years." She hums sadly, eyes drawn to the reds and pinks and dark blues that paint the sky.

"Come here," Olivia smiles, holding her hand out.

Amanda takes it and follows, swallowing thickly as they make their way into Olivia's bedroom. She isn't quite sure what's going on but she won't ask questions. She's learned not to, especially when it comes to Olivia Benson.

Olivia lets go of her hand and walks over to her bedroom window. The curtains are thick and dark, hanging low to the floor, and Amanda can tell that they hold the darkness in when they're shut; which makes her wonder how many nights (or days) Olivia's shut herself in here. Her eyes widen as the older woman parts them. A full view of the setting sun, unobstructed by anything but the mountains and boulders and plateaus in the background. It's like a lifesize professional photo hanging in the middle of the brunette's room, and it's gorgeous.

"The first few nights after I moved in here, I would stay up, I think all night, and look at the stars." Olivia says, eyes watching as red turns to dark blue. "You don't see many stars in Manhattan. And before I started gardening, counting the stars out there was my therapy away from therapy."

Amanda turns away from the large window, blue eyes shining with adoration. "Olivia Benson, you continue to amaze me." She doesn't know from which part of her brain those words come from but she has to believe it's from the part where she holds the purest, most untainted love for Olivia.

A tectonic plate of emotion between them shifts, causing an earthquake- now a tsunami- of new feelings barreling through Amanda.

"I think it's time for bed." Olivia states quietly. The blonde's shoulders drop dejectedly, and she nods, turning to leave. Fingers band around her wrist though, and she's pulled lightly in the opposite direction of the door. "Not alone." She adds, and a thick ball of clay makes its way into Amanda's throat. Fuck, she can't breathe. But if this is suffocating then she'll go happily.

"Are you sure?" She asks, eyes swimming with curiosity and caution.

"It's just sleeping, Amanda.." Olivia assures, although it sounds weak and unconvincing. Sure, it'll be just sleeping tonight because they're not there yet, but it's pushing them in that direction, and the last thing the younger woman wants now is to make Olivia uncomfortable. If they aren't there yet or ready, then they aren't there yet or ready. "We did just fine on the couch. This is just the more comfortable alternative."

And because Amanda can't really say no to Olivia, she caves in and nods her assent. "Let me just go brush my teeth and change into my sleep clothes, okay?"

Olivia nods and steps toward her own dresser, pulling out yoga pants and an oversized t shirt.

Amanda quickly steps out, closing the door behind her and letting out a much needed air of breath. This is what she needs. She tells herself, and she half believes it. But the other half, the detective half, tells her that this isn't like Olivia. The New York Olivia wouldn't ask someone to share her bed just for the hell of it.

This is the victim Olivia at work. Constantly fidgety and unsure and borderline needy. It's not necessarily a bad thing to have this side of the once seasoned detective, but to have it after such a traumatic experience is a little worrisome.

But she thinks about the progress Olivia has made over the months, and despite the fact that she hasn't recently visited her shrink, but still has one eases her mind a little. As she brushes her teeth, she notes that Olivia has been open about how she feels lately and that's a good sign. She finishes up in the bathroom and changes into her shorts and tank top, then makes her way back into Olivia's room.

She stops outside the door and takes another clear breath. Being so close to Olivia, it'll be the last easy breath she takes for many hours.

….

Three AM seems to be Olivia's waking hour, because Amanda feels a sudden rush of cold air on her legs, and she recognizes it as the sheet and blanket being whipped off of her. She's confused for a moment, but only one, because in the next, she's jumping out of bed and wrapping her arms around Olivia's waist.

"Liv," She whispers, unsure of what exactly is going on, but the second Olivia speaks, her blood runs cold.

"Get your hands off of me."

It's a tone of voice she's never heard before, caught between a growl and whisper. She doesn't even recognize it as a voice used when dealing with perps. It's scary, bone chilling.

"Olivia, what's going on?" She whispers, fingers coming up to touch the older woman's quivering chin, and it's not even a full five seconds before she's being pushed onto the bed forcefully, body lunging from the floor and landing on the mattress with a muffled 'oof.'

"You're not going to hurt me again." The older woman bites, digging her fingers into Amanda's jaws, and in the dim lighting of the stars and moon, Amanda sees that Olivia's eyes are empty. And she realizes that she's asleep.

"Liv, wake up," She urges, trying desperately not to make any jerky or sudden movements, but Olivia only presses her more firmly into the bed.

"How do you like it?" She rasps, tears evident in her voice. Their faces are only inches apart, bodies pressed so tightly together it's damn near suffocating. Not the good kind. "Being pinned to a mattress like some kind of-"

"Olivia! Wake. Up." Amanda demands, freeing an arm and wrapping it around the older woman's neck. She caresses softly, hoping the soothing gesture does something productive. She feels Olivia falter, feels a teardrop on her cheek, and she's confused for a moment, wondering if she's crying without knowing. But then she feels another drop onto her nose and lip and she realizes that the salty tears are Olivia's. "Liv, baby, please wake up. It's a dream, okay? It's-"

"Amanda?"

If she wasn't losing air by the second she would let out a deep, relieved breath.

"Yes.. Yeah.." She rushes out, fingers threading through short brown hair. "You're okay," She purrs softly, tears of her own finally making their way out of their ducts. She doesn't want to separate from Olivia, only wants for new air, so she turns their bodies to the side, both pairs of feet dangling off the side of the bed. She keeps her hand in Olivia's hair as the other comes up to cup a warm cheek. "You're okay." is all she can say in the moment, and it seems to be enough. Olivia nods, then brings her face forward. Their lips touch, but it's not a kiss. They aren't ready for that. Instead Olivia just brushes her top lip over Amanda's bottom softly and murmurs a watery "I'm sorry."

Amanda wants to respond, but she's stunned in place from that subtle-yet-not-so-subtle gesture. So she nods and pulls the blanket up from the edge of the bed and wraps it around them. Olivia falls asleep soon after, soft, even puffs of breath warming the blonde's chin. She lets out a soft sigh of her own.

Sleep won't come easy for Amanda tonight.