AN: Well, summer has officially begun for me. Exams were hell. Not because I barley knew anything, but because I had the song "I Kissed a Girl" stuck in my head for the last two exams and the chorus just keeps playing over and over and over until I screamed bloody murder. But I'm sane now. Uncle Vernon is not.
- They are back at the house now.
PETUNIA: Don't worry, Dudders! Mommy's right beside you, don't panic! You are okay!
- Dudley shoves Aunt Petunia away.
DUDLEY: Back off, woman! Ya in mah space bubble!
- Uncle Vernon turns to Harry.
VERNON: What happened?
HARRY: Well if you must ask, Vernon, I believe Dudley is going through that stage where a boy must become a man in which case –
VERNON: No! I mean with the snake!
HARRY: ...Again: Dudley is going through that stage where –
VERNON: HOW DID YOU MAKE THE GLASS DISAPPEAR, BOY!?
HARRY: How should I know? In the beginning I was like, pissed, you know and then when I blinked, it was like, wow and the glass disappeared and Dudley was like, oh f--! and fell in and he was like, ttly pwned while I was like, wtf but then I realized what happened and then it was all, lol SWEET while the snake was like L8er and then the glass was like, back again and soon we were all like, OMG WTF LOL FTW OMG WTH LMAO OMG UR TTLY PWNED CYA L8ER DUDE!!11111 – Harry has just signed out.
VERNON: ...
HARRY: Translating, it was like magic.
- Vernon shoves Harry under the stairs and takes a deep breath.
VERNON: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!
- He slams the door shut.
HARRY: Well what about the magicians? You can't tell me that's not magic…right?
- Harry curls up into a little ball as his voice becomes two octaves higher.
HARRY: Right?
Since no one feels like answering Harry, I'm just gonna skip a few days ahead.
- Everyone is in the kitchen eating breakfast (or in Harry's case, making it) while Dudley is checking out his new threads for school.
DUDLEY: I am pimpin' now, yo!
HARRY: You look like a munchkin in that uniform.
DUDLEY: Man, you're just jealous you don't have threads like these.
HARRY: Yes…Yes I am totally jealous of your itsy adorable hat with matching shorts and knee high socks. (SARCASM ALERT)
VERNON: Boy, bring me my coffee,
- Harry makes for the coffee pot.
VERNON: I meant, Dudley.
HARRY: But you said boy –
VERNON: Shut up! Bring me my coffee, Boy.
- Dudley passes the coffee.
VERNON: Thank you. Girly, get the mail…That's you.
- He points at Harry.
HARRY: I despise you…
- Harry leaves to get the mail.
PETUNIA: Do you think we're too hard on him?
VERNON: Who?
PETUNIA: Harry. He has gone through a lot. Maybe we're not treating him right –
HARRY: YO, VERNON! WANT ME TO PUT THIS MONTH'S PLAYBOY ISSUE IN YOUR SOCK DRAWER?
VERNON: No, I think we're treating him with just the right amount of respect.
HARRY: Let's see what else we have in the mail…
- Harry leafs through the mail.
HARRY: Aunt Petunia has another postcard from her secret lover, Julio…Dudley has a notice from the police saying he crashed into another buffet…Who the hell is Hog Warts?
RANDOM FAN GIRL: That's a school you idiot!
HARRY: What the…Didn't you get hit by a bus and a mob of groupies already?
RANDOM FAN GIRL: I'm out of the hospital now.
- The neighbour's cat comes over and starts attacking Random Fan Girl's leg.
RANDOM FAN GIRL: Stupid cat!
- Lightning strikes a near by tree and has it fall on top of Random Fan Girl.
RANDOM FAN GIRL: Stupid lightning!
- Harry closes the door on her arm.
HARRY: Hogwarts, eh? Sounds interesting…
VERNON: What's with all that screaming?
HARRY: Must be a howler I left outside.
DUDLEY: What'sa howler?
HARRY: Who knows? (Goes into a series of insane cliche laughter)
DUDLEY: Yo, you are messed up!
- Random Fan Girl is still screaming outside.
DUDLEY: Hey, Harry got mail! Who's Hog Warts?
HARRY: My point exactly! Who is he?
VERNON: NOBODY!!
- Uncle Vernon grabs the letter and stuffs it in his mouth.
HARRY: Ten dollars says that it isn't gonna be easy passing that wad of paper.
PETUNIA: We're in England, Kid! Use pounds, not dollars!
- Aunt Petunia whacks Harry with a rubber chicken.
HARRY: So, what was with that letter anyway?
- Nobody answers.
HARRY: Someone answer me.
VERNON: - Belch.
HARRY: Writer Lady?
- What?
HARRY: Why was that letter sent to me?
- How should I know? It's not like that letter has any special significant like oh say, introducing some magical world where you and your scar are the saviours of this magical people and you have to go and kill some magical evil snake-man.
HARRY: Are you sure?
- Or maybe it was a letter replying to your tryout video for The Bachelore.
HARRY: Maybe they want me to be in the next season!
- Sure they do.
And the fun begins…
DUDLEY: Oh my Gawd! There's a bunch o' owls outside!
VERNON: Nothing unusual about that. Nope.
- Aunt Petunia lifts her tea bag out of her cup.
PETUNIA: My tea bag is a little letter from Hogwarts!
VERNON: Nothing odd about that. Explains the bitter taste, though.
- Harry runs into the room.
HARRY: I keep getting e-mails from Hog Warts!
VERNON: That's not interesting at all. Since when did you have an e-mail address?
HARRY: Oh my Gawd! My soup is making words!
SOUP: Come to Hogwarts, Harry…
VERNON: Don't look at it!
- Eats Harry's soup
DUDLEY: My soup is telling me something too!
SOUP: Waffles! Lots n' lots of waffles! With syrup n' pudding n' all sorts of goodies!
VERNON: Okay, that is weird.
PETUNIA: WHO WANTS CAKE?!
- Petunia drops a frosting covered cake on the table.
DUDLEY: AI WANT CAKE!!
- Dudley starts eating the cake.
HARRY: What's with the filling? Oh my Gawd! It's made of letters from Hog Warts!
DUDLEY: (Through mouthful of food) It's called, Hogwarts!
VERNON: I FORBID THAT WORD TO BE SAID IN MY HOUSE ANYMORE!
- Vernon starts to read newspaper.
NEWSPAPER: Calling out to Vernon Dursley: Your house is about to be bombarded with letters from HOGWARTS.
VERNON: WHAT?
- The letter bombarding begins.
- Petunia pulls an umbrella over her head.
DUDLEY: MAH EYES! THE LETTAHS GAVE MAH EYES PAPEH CUTS!!
HARRY: Lol, sucker. I got glasses to protect me –
- A letter flies by and gives Harry's tongue a paper cut.
HARRY: Mother f--!
- Vernon slowly rises from his seat.
VERNON: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUU – (Another letter flies by and cuts his nose) – UUUUUUUUAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEE!!
PETUNIA: You're all idiots.
AN: And that's the whole truth. Thanks to the people who have but their 2p's into the poll on my profile.
What would you like to see in HARREH POTTAH?
a) Hagrid hijacking Marry Poppin's umbrella
b) The snake from the zoo coming back as Snape
c) Voldy's face being covered in facial cream when Quirrel takes off his turban
d) Harry finding a sexual referance in everything Hermione says
Every vote counts, guys!