CHAPTER 4

She relished the bitter cold walk between Emma and Angie's apartment building and her own; it was the literal cold slap in the face that she needed to jump-start her intelligent, rational self to combat the idiotic, hormone-driven version that was previously occupying her body. Who was this person taking over her body? She could hardly recognize herself; this stranger. Never before had she felt an attraction so instantaneous and overwhelming. This wasn't her; this wasn't the Lauren she knew.

Lauren was so consumed by her thoughts that she barely noticed having arrived at the front door of her apartment building. When she left Emma and Angie's place, all she could think about was getting out – getting away. So she ran home. But home wasn't the answer; it was really herself that she was trying to get away from. Taking a few deep breaths, she felt the cold air filling her lungs, the sensation almost painful. And in the first real moment of lucidity that night, she grabbed her phone out of her back pocket and made a phone call that, though she didn't know it at the time, would change everything.

Lauren waited for the person on the other end to pick up.

"Oh hey!" she responded back.

Pause.

"Yeah, it was nice. Good food, good company."

"No, no, I'm feeling fine, just didn't want to stick around for the movie tonight. I wasn't in the mood."

"Mmmm hmmm."

"Are you available right now?"

"Great. You already there?"

"See you in 15. Oh, and get me a beer." And with that, Lauren slid the phone back into her pocket and started back down the front steps of her apartment building.

Lauren approached the familiar spot in front of the fireplace. Thomas, sensing her arrival, got up from his spot on the couch to wrap her in his strong embrace, holding on just a bit tighter than usual.

"Hey, gorgeous," Tom said softly in her ear, offering an extra little squeeze to punctuate his words.

"Hey yourself," she answered back, her voice muffled by his shirt.

Lauren lingered there, basking in the familiar warmth and security it offered; fortifying her for what was to come. She offered Tom a quick peck on the cheek and pulled away, going to sit down at one end of the couch and picking up the cold beer from the side table that Tom had left there in anticipation of her arrival.

After joining her on the couch, Tom immediately started catching her up on the latest news around the hospital and offering updates on mutual friends that Lauren didn't see nearly as often since she accepted the position at the lab. She always appreciated how easily conversation flowed between her and Tom, but tonight there was something far more pressing to attend to.

"I know about Bo," Lauren blurted out, effectively cutting off a rather graphic telling of a patient with a pretty funky rash Tom had treated recently.

"I'm sorry, know what about Bo?" Tom asked with a genuine look of confusion on his face.

"That you're planning on proposing to her," Lauren responded, her eyes trained on Thomas's, daring him to look away first.

"I see."

"Doesn't it seem a bit early in your relationship for a marriage proposal, Tom?" she asked a bit harshly. I mean, how long have you known her? After all, I just met her three weeks ago!" Lauren's voice was getting louder. "Three weeks, Tom! But hey, no big deal, right? I'm just your best friend. It shouldn't matter to me that you've been seeing her for months already and didn't bother to mention her. Not once!" Lauren was livid by this point, surprising even herself at how quickly things had escalated. She was finding it difficult to stay seated, wishing she could give Tom a solid punch to the shoulder; anything to let out some of the hurt and anger she felt. Breathing hard, Lauren paused to let her words sink in. "What was it Tom? Were you hiding her from me?" Lauren asked much quieter now, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "God, Tom. Everyone knew but me. Everyone," she whispered, a tear finally slipping out, leaving a shiny track down her left cheek.

"Lauren," Tom said pleadingly, "please don't." Reaching out, he ran his thumb gently over her cheek, wiping away the wetness there before dropping his hand back to his lap. "It wasn't like that, Lauren. I was going to tell you," he continued with a hint of urgency in his voice. But Lauren's anger started to mount again. She could feel herself tensing, wishing now that she had thought through what she was going to say before coming here tonight.

"When, Tom? When were you going to tell me? Certainly not months ago when Emma found out. Not during any of the dozens of times we spoke on the phone or over dinner. What is it then, Tom? Does our friendship not mean as much to you as it does to me? Is that it?" Lauren demanded to know.

"Ugh, fuuuuck," Thomas let out in frustration. He always did have a way with words. "Fuck, fuck, fuuuuuck," he carried on, getting up off the couch and pacing in front of the fireplace, rubbing his face repeatedly. "This was not how this was supposed to go," he mumbled to himself.

And just like that, the pacing and the face-rubbing and the talking all stopped and he turned to Lauren, "I'm in love with you," he let out in a breath.

Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop...

"I've been in love with you since...well... forever," he continued, coming back to sit beside her on the couch.

Oh my god, please stop. Stop, stop, stop.

"And all those disapproving looks you use to give my girlfriends over the years - every one of them - you always had one excuse or another why you didn't think they were right for me. And I thought... well, I had hoped that maybe you were jealous. That maybe that meant you felt the same way."

No, no, no. 'Tom, stop', Lauren's mind was begging. Her discomfort was palpable.

"Tom, please," Lauren finally managed to say, her voice barely above a whisper. "You have to stop."

"You're right, Lauren," Tom conceded. "That's just it, I have to stop," he sighed, visibly deflating.

Getting over the initial shock of his words, Lauren's discomfort was quickly replaced by an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. She looked at Tom - really looked at him - sitting there next to her, so lost and defeated. His usually boyish face had a distinct aged quality to it, as if revealing his long-held secret had literally worn him out.

"I don't know what to say, Tom."

"You don't need to say anything. I've realized for a while now that whatever it is that I felt for you wasn't mutual. I hadn't planned to tell you, but this whole thing with Bo got completely out of control." Tom reached for Lauren's hands, grasping them firmly in his own and drawing her eyes back up to his face. "Lauren, I am so sorry," he said with such sincerity," for everything."

At his words, fresh tears fell from Lauren's eyes. Her heart broke for this beautiful man sitting in front of her.

"Firstly," she sniffled, "I hate you for making me cry." That earned her a warm smile from Thomas which she happily returned. "And secondly, I owe you an apology as well. I didn't mean to belittle your relationship with Bo just because I was upset with you about something else. She is an amazing woman and I can see that you really care for her." And as much as it pained her to say it, she really did want her friend to be happy. If Bo was what was going to do that for him, then she would need to set aside her own feelings and desires and support the two of them as a couple.

"As much as I would love to lighten the mood a bit and move on to talking about the weather or sports, even - god help me - you never said why it was that you kept Bo a secret from me this whole time."

"Oh my god, Lauren, are you trying to kill me?" Thomas whined. "I really think we should let this lie and chalk it up to poor judgment on my part."

"Please, Thomas," Lauren prodded gently. "I just need to know, and I promise that whatever it is you're going to say, it won't change anything between us or make things awkward. Really," she added, nudging his knee with her own.

Thomas redirected his gaze to the burning fire, taking a moment to think about what he wanted to say.

"I think I avoided introducing you to her because," he paused, squinting slightly as if trying to see something far off in the distance, "I was afraid of being in the same room with the two of you."

That was an unusual response. Lauren wasn't entirely sure what that meant but was almost afraid to ask for clarification. But she didn't need to because Thomas began to speak again, as if sensing her confusion.

"It's like... when you're around, all I can see is you."

Lauren was speechless. Thomas was never one to express such romantic sentiments, and Lauren had certainly never been on the receiving end. Torn between making some type of physical contact to reassure him that she had heard him and was okay with what he had said, or giving him space to collect his thoughts, she went with the latter.

After another brief pause, he continued, "From the moment I met her, I really thought that Bo and I had a chance and I didn't want to ruin the promise of something more by setting us up for failure." Thomas leaned further back into the couch, extending his legs out in front of him and crossing his feet at the ankles, striking a surprisingly casual pose given the circumstances. "I kept holding off your meeting - week after week after week. Obviously some of that was just bad timing, what with your new position at the lab and the long days you've been putting in lately, and my ridiculous on-call schedule at the hospital. Time just... got away."

And there it all was - everything out in the open. Well... almost everything. He didn't need to know about Lauren's crazy infatuation with Bo, or getting caught flirting at Emma's house this evening. That was water under the bridge. Lauren was ready to move forward and told Tom more or less the same. To ease the tension in the room and give herself a moment to collect her thoughts, Lauren asked Tom to tell her about how he and Bo had met and get her up to speed on everything she had missed in that time. As Tom spoke enthusiastically about all things 'Bo', Lauren sat comfortably in her corner of the soft leather couch, nursing her beer. She wondered idly if all the important things in her life were destined to happen on this couch. The thought brought a smile to her lips, though it didn't last long.

Truth carries a lot of weight. And Lauren had wanted so badly to mean it when she had promised Tom that she would be okay with whatever he told her; that it wouldn't change things between them. But she knew, even as she said it, that it was a lie. She felt the very foundation of their friendship shift tonight. It was unfair in so many ways. For Tom, nothing was different. He had carried his feelings for Lauren for years and had forged and strengthened that friendship with those feelings firmly in place. But for Lauren, she struggled to assimilate this new information. It was like when she was in grade school and learned that humans had once walked from Russia to Alaska. But no matter how ridiculous it may sound when you say it out loud, it doesn't make it any less true.