Hanji just had to cut into the awkward and deafening silence a little bit after I had gotten back to the table. "Hey, what's up with the kid? He sure looks like his dog just died." I didn't want to talk, or do anything at all. And I made it known, but he just had to try and lighten it up. There was no lightening this up. I wanted to go home. If I talked, moved or did anything, my facade would break in two and I'd end up sobbing and begging for help. I didn't need help. Erwin.. He takes care of me. He loves me. Even if his way of showing love can be violent. I repeat this to myself over and over in my head. My head tilted up to face Hanji, and I gave her the fakest smile I could muster.

"Oh, haha. I'm fine. Just a bit sick, I guess. Don't let me down your fun. Please, keep talking." Please. If I ruin this dinner, I'll be hit when I get home. And when I get home I just want to sleep. And avoid a night where Erwin has his way with me.

I try to avoid Levi's eyes, but I can feel them burning into me. I see Erwin's pretty into a newfound conversation with Mike. So I let a little glance slip his way. He doesn't look happy at all, so I try and give another smile. This one feels a bit better, and lighter. Not so fake. But it doesn't change anything. He just mouths something. I'm not really good with reading lips, so I squint my eyes a bit to see better. Call me. That's what he said. God, he has beautiful teeth. And his lips look nice, and not chapped at all. Erwin doesn't have bad lips either, but it's kind of hard to appreciate them whenever we kiss, since it's almost always very rough. I sigh and my eyes drift away. What the hell am I thinking? When my mind drifts to these things I just get more depressed because I know I'll never be able to experience love the way I wanted to happen.

Erwin and I didn't meet in the best circumstances. I had just came out to my parents as gay and my father kicked me out. My mom made me a sandwich, and gave a fifty and told me that she was sorry, then sent me on my way out with no where to go. I crashed place to place, and ended up staying at a shelter for the homeless. Erwin had been doing a business thing there, donating food and such to places like that and we just clicked. He came by often after that, and we talked a lot. Until next thing you know, I'm in his bed. And then after his bed, it came actually committing to a relationship. He let me stay with him, since I didn't have a place to live anyway and I did. We dated for about a year, the most perfect year of my life. I got a job, managed to save some cash and got things that I could never have dreamed of getting by myself. I had everything a pefect relationship needed. Communication, trust, loyalty, super hot sex and rarely any arguing. Until something happened. I still don't know what, to this day. But it's made Erwin angrier, even more jealous and super rough during sex. He made me quit my job, and basically rules me. Nothing is enjoyable to me anymore, and I just feel stuck. I have an ugly body now, and I'm broken way beyond repair. I just don't know what to do. I want to be me again. Eren Jaeger, hard ass with a temper that no one fucked with. But look at me, I have no friends anymore, no family. I'm pitiful, I can't even leave Erwin. I want to, so bad. But I'm afraid.

I look around when I snap out of my thoughts and realize I'm at the table. So this wasn't a bad dream. I sigh and deflate a bit, but Erwin's hand slides underneath the table to grab my thigh. I'm in a cold sweat immediately, tensing when I feel it trail up further. Please not in front of all of your friends.. His hand stops there, though, since he probably knew that wouldn't be the best idea. I take a shaky inhale of breath, and look down to my barely eaten salad. I try to at least look a little normal and look around to everyone sitting at the table. Everyone is talking to someone, except Levi who is looking around looking really disinterested.

The dinner went by slow, and eventually the bill is paid and everyone is on their way. I stay behind, waiting for Erwin to get the car. Levi is the last one to go. And he talks quickly. "I'm serious Eren, call me. Or stay like this forever, your choice." He left after that, leaving me feeling super conflicted. I let my hand trail into my pocket, feeling the crinckled paper of Levi's number. If Erwin catches me, I'm dead. So I keep it there for now.

Erwin's car rolled up to the curb and I got into the passenger side. I didn't look his way at all as he drove off and onto the street.

"I'm going to let you off the hook for being a brat during dinner, just because of the whole bathroom thing. Doesn't mean you do it again." His voice sounds louder than it actually is, mostly because I'm afraid that he was going to do something to me. I could hear my heartbeat ring in my ears, as I struggle to respond. My brain eventually calms me down enough to nod and weakly mumble "Yes". Why am I so nervous right now? Because we're going home? Alone. Where no one can see him terrorize me. The thought alone scares me to the point of shaking, always. I hate reliving this. But I try to smile a bit and lighten things up. If I get on his good side, maybe the chances of that will go down..

"W-We can have a movie night.. If you want. It's been a long time since we've done something together like that." I timidly speak, even daring to look over at him. His eyes are on the road, but his face looks as serious as ever. He looks over to me for a moment, to give a smile. It's genuine. His eyes wrinkle on the sides, and his cheeks are raised from how wide his lips are spread. It's so nice seeing this, even though I know it's all just for this moment. It reminds me of old Erwin, and it almost brings tears to my eyes. But I can't cry now..

"I have work to do. So maybe you can just go to sleep. Or if you're still awake we can watch something.. I remember you used to watch Judge Judy a lot, right? I can find some on demand for us."

I only nod in response, and for once I'm happy with the atmosphere between us. I almost forgot what I've been through the last four years, but the ache in my heart makes it still shine through and dissolve anything else. It hurts so much. But now I realize I can't be with Erwin. No matter if he changes or not.

When he goes to do his work, I'll give Levi a call, and see if we can sort this out without Erwin going to jail. I want to leave him, not ruin his life. But something in me knows if I try to leave, he will go anywhere he can to find me and drag me back clawing at the ground. That thought alone is terrifying, but leaving the house is even more terrifying. I can't even walk to the mailbox without Erwin's permission, let alone go somewhere alone. Can I really handle it? Being alone?

The car pulls into our driveway, and we both get out. He gets into the house first, removing his shoes and suit jacket. I do the same, except I unbutton a few buttons on my shirt. He goes off to his study, and I go off to our bedroom.

I wait a few minutes, before peeking out of the room. No Erwin. So I open the closet door to pull out a shoe box. It has all sorts of old stuff that I had when I moved out of my parent's place, including my minute phone that I haven't used at all. Erwin doesn't let me have a phone, so this is basically all I have. I make calls to Armin occasionally, when I want to vent about being used as a punching bag, but other than that it goes untouched.

I pull the paper out of my pocket and dial the number slowly. My heart is racing, since I don't know when Erwin is going to be back or not. He likes to check on me sometimes. After swallowing all of my fear. I press the call button. It rings a few times, and the sound of it makes my anxiety go through the roof. I'm staring wide-eyed at the door at this point, so scared and waiting for this asshole to answer. And his prayers were answered. The ringing stops, and a clicking noise is heard.

"I knew you'd call."