Chapter four
Athelstan
I am a slave. I am a servant to a new lord; Ragnar Lothbrok. Is he my savior now? I am only a week into my servitude and already I am like Judas, forsaking the lord for my own ass. I am sickened by my actions.
I watch as children; a boy of twelve; a girl of ten, run towards Ragnar. A woman like none I have ever seen, behind them. She had gold hair, twisted in ropes like Ragnar but somehow they looked fitting. She had the same light eyes an a small muscular frame, she looked as if she could overcome me. I will never escape this place; even the women could keep me in place. I stare at the ground as Ragnar hugs his children. I am shocked at the affection; Ragnar hugs each one and kisses them without any restraint, kneeling down to them. I felt a jealousy I could not explain. I look around and rub my chin on my shoulder, trying to focus on something else. I felt very uncomfortable in a way that was odd. The circumstance I was in, did not call for this odd feeling overcoming me. I needed to pray and sleep, then I would be more myself, I would hear what the lord was telling me. I remember how tired I was when I first arrived. It rushes over me once I give it thought. I stumble and land in the middle of their home. I crawl to a corner as Ragnar ignores me. Focusing on his family, I was grateful; I fall asleep in a corner with my head on something soft. When I wake again, it is to Ragnar having sex with his wife. I hear her moaning and wish it was me, with Ragnar. I am horrified by my thoughts; was I so weak? I look around and see the children watching too. I am mortified! Who were these people? Did they have no shame! They are Pagan's, savages, I was not like them!
But there was a part of me, a small part, which felt liberated by this culture. They seemed to embrace their carnal desires, as if it was normal, not shameful, this belief for some reason attracted me to this culture. Oh Lord, save me now! What have I become?