Equestria: The Adventures of Sniper and Heavy
Chapter 3: Mr. Happy Smiles and Mr. Bear
Notes from the Medic: Ahem, I have seen ze replies and ze author vishes to express his thanks to you readers for supporting zis rather terribly written story. He also wanted to apologize for ze delays due to…an unprecedented amount of assignments but I have his assurance zat this fic vill go into full swing now zat he is on semester break.
"Psst, hey, over here," Scout whispered to Demoman.
The Scottish demolitions expert wheeled around and saw a rather beaten up Scout hiding behind a large boulder. His hat was missing and several of his teeth had been knocked out. His left eye was so swollen that it could not open.
"What're ye doin' there laddie? That's no safe place to hide," Demoman said.
"I know it ain't, Cyclops, but I need a breather. There's a freaking Sniper somewhere around here and he just took out Soldier," Scout remarked and pointed at Soldier's corpse behind Demoman.
Demoman nodded and hid behind the boulder with Scout. He needed a breather too and he needed more ammunition. He had only two pipe bombs left for his grenade launcher and had no more ammo for his Scottish Resistance.
"This is the fourth time we're forced to tango with BLU team and we're being steamrolled," Scout said and peeked out from his hiding place to try and spot the BLU Sniper.
A shot rang out from the distance followed by pieces of rock flying into Scout's face as the bullet struck the surface of the boulder. Scout instinctively hid back behind the boulder and wiped his face.
"I still dunno where he is but we'll make a run for home base," Scout said to his companion.
"I'm right behind ye, laddie."
Scout silently counted to three and ran from his temporary hiding place followed by Demoman. Both were thankful that their legs were still fine but having one functioning eye meant that they lacked depth perception. It was as if karma had smacked Scout in the face for saying that Demoman lacked perception. The BLU Sniper was relentless but his shots were clean misses and the two made it back to the spawn point quickly and safely. The whole team was already gathered there, all worn out and frustrated. Engineer was the first one to spot Demoman and Scout when they came in.
"The match's over some time ago. This is the fourth loss in a row and I'm mighty sure it ain't the last," Engineer muttered.
"No kidding, professor. Maybe we do need a full team to beat the crap out of BLU after all," Soldier commented.
"And that is why I need your cooperation. The machine I'm gonna build needs more metal and our current supply cabinet isn't enough to supply me with what I need to finish repairing the mass teleporter," said the Engineer as he looked at Soldier.
"Or maybe we could swap classes for a while and take over Sniper and Heavy's place temporarily," Spy suggested just as Engineer finished his sentence. "Maybe that could help us win."
Soldier shook his head and jabbed a finger on Spy's chest. "Listen here, Frenchie, as much as I agree those two are important, I'm not gonna become a camper for the sake of winning. That's worse than losing a match!"
"Well, if you're not up to it, you unsophisticated dog, there're others," Spy said coolly and retrieved a cigarette from his pocket.
Spy looked at his other companions with hopes that they would be suitable for Sniper and Heavy's role but he soon realized none of them had the necessary skills. Scout was too impatient and weak to become a Sniper or Heavy. Demoman could possibly a Heavy (if he could lift any of Heavy's primary weapons) but his…handicap and drunkenness made him a terrible Sniper. Soldier definitely loathed Sniper for being a camper (an act considered as cowardly by the American) but he might be suitable for taking Heavy's role, assuming he had the muscles to lift up a minigun in the first place.
Next, Spy looked at Pyro. Little was known about the person in the fire retardant suit and gas mask so Spy dared not make conclusions about him (or her) yet. He then turned his attention to Engineer. The Texan had been useful to the team as a supporter but it did not occur to Spy that Engineer had the muscles to lift a minigun nor the skill of a sniper to deliver a killing shot. Then there was Medic and under the Hippocratic Oath, he was not supposed to hurt anyone. Of course, having his license revoked yet retaining great medical skills, Medic was dangerous as he was helpful. Given the chance, Medic would love to kill his opponents but there was no way he had the muscles or skill of Heavy and Sniper respectively.
Spy then assessed himself. He was sure that he could not lift Heavy's weapon but what about Sniper's rifle? Spy certainly had the patience as he developed it over the years by waiting for the perfect opportunity to stab his enemies in the back but he had no clue on how to operate a sharpshooter's weapon, plus he knew about Sniper's bad habit of not washing his hands after making his jarate. Touching such unsanitized weapons was beyond Spy. He was too civilized for that kind of thing.
"Well, we're doomed," Spy said simply after he finished assessing his team. "None of us here are suited as Sniper and Heavy replacements."
"What makes you think so, shape shifter? I can be good a Sniper as I am a Heavy! Watch!" Scout exclaimed indignantly.
He ran off to the weapons locker and looked for Natasha, Heavy's other primary weapon. Scout grunted and huffed as he tried to heft the heavy weapon but only to have it fall on his toes with a sickening thud. Scout cried out in pain and quickly removed Natasha from his aching toes.
"Don't be a fool, you know you can't lift a weapon like that and I'm VERY sure you don't have the patience to wait for the perfect opportunity to strike, as required by a professional sniper," Spy remarked.
"Oh yeah, so who'd you think is suitable?" Scout shot back while fanning his toes.
"None," Spy said flatly and flicked his spent cigarette into a bin. "And that is why we need to return Sniper and Heavy here as soon as possible. Gentlemen, give Engineer your weapons and ammo. That should give him extra metals to work with."
There were fierce objections from his teammates and Spy had already anticipated that. None of them were willing to part with their weapons because it made them feel vulnerable. Spy had that feeling too but he knew that lost weapons would always be replaced, as if there were unlimited supplies coming from outside. If that was the case, they may as well sacrifice what they have now and get them back later. Reluctantly, Spy dropped whatever he had in his inventory and handed it to Engineer. The latter seemed surprised but Spy just looked back at Engineer.
"So, anyone else here wants to make a sacrifice?" Spy asked the rest of his team.
They looked at each other, thinking that Spy was crazy but the next one to hand in all weapons and equipments was Soldier. He seemed reluctant to part with his rocket launcher but after some thoughts and the notion of continuous failures, he dropped his launcher onto the floor and slid it across to Engineer.
"This may be the craziest idea but if this is what takes to earn back our victories, hell, I'll do it," Soldier said gruffly.
The rest followed and all of them handed everything they had to Engineer. The Texan also included into the pile his own weapons and equipments but he was still short of one hundred metals. Plus, they needed a safe place to store the weapons and equipments lest BLU team uncovers them and use them. It was dusk and Engineer, although tired and disappointed, decided to get to work anyway. The sooner he could get the teleporter fixed, the faster he could get Sniper and Heavy. They were needed to win the battles against BLU and they needed those victories if they were to stay as a team.
Sniper had nowhere to run. The ponies that Pinkie Pie "invited" over to help prepare for the party had him surrounded but they were more afraid of him than he was of them. It should be that way because Sniper was not about to be cowed by pastel-colored show ponies, not when he was the one with the weapons but he had no clue of local security forces. If they showed up in force, Sniper could very well be in trouble and that was one thing he wanted to avoid, at least for now. He heard them mention he was some agent of Discord or Nightmare Moon or something like that. It was possible that they have seen other humans but Sniper decided against asking a crowd of agitated ponies about humans seeing that they seemed afraid of them.
"You set me up to this, Pinkie. Think of something to calm them down," Sniper hissed at Pinkie.
"You're right and I know just what they all need," Pinkie Pie said with sudden seriousness but it did not last long. "A PARTY!" she exclaimed and threw confetti everywhere.
Sniper sighed softly and smacked his face with his right palm. Was partying her answer to all problems? Sniper did not know but right now, it seemed like it but it was not working. His very presence still struck fear into the ponies but none of them ran out to inform the guards and that was good news for Sniper but there was no way that advantage could last for long.
"This isn't working," Sniper muttered.
"Hmm, do you think it needs more confetti and balloons?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"You know what I really think? I think you need to stop thinking about partying and start thinking about calming them down and getting me out of trouble before some pony runs out to get the guards," Sniper muttered.
"Hmm…I know what we can do! Let's play an icebreaker game! That way, we can get to know each other. I'll start first," said Pinkie Pie as she leapt onto the counter and cleared her throat as if she was about to make an announcement. "Hello, everypony! Do you know who this is?" Pinkie asked loudly while gesturing at Sniper.
"He's a human! He'll grind our bones to make his bread!" a pony answered hysterically.
It sounded rather funny because it sounded like what the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk would say. Maybe there were some things that they have in common but Sniper wasn't going to find out about that, not now anyway. As much as he despised the Spy class, he had to admit that turning invisible would come in handy, especially in a situation like this. If only he had Spy's invisibility watch.
"No, silly," Pinkie replied with a chortle. "His name is Sniper and he's a nice human, isn't that right?"
"Um, yeah, of course! I'm the nicest guy that ever lived…or something," Sniper was quick to lie but it was the only way he could calm the ponies down. "In fact, my friends call me um…Mr. Happy Smiles!" said he and gave the ponies a silly faked grin.
The ponies were taken aback by his sudden niceness. A few minutes ago, he looked like as if he was out for somepony's head but now, he was smiling…and grinning. They could not see his eyes because they were hidden his shades but if they did, they would see two scowls. Sniper hated playing nice but now was not the time to become aggressive. The ponies had him outnumbered and he was still unsure what they were capable of. Who knows, one of them may turn out to be an aggressive one and attack him, or they could be like Pinkie Pie, who, for some reason, was able to defy the laws of physics.
Sniper looked at Pinkie Pie and saw her looking at him while leaning forward towards him at angle that would normally make even a human fall. How she did that was beyond Sniper but if other ponies could break the laws of physics, it could spell trouble for the Australian. Better to be safe than sorry, Sniper thought. While his smile was not too convincing, it did help ease the tension, somewhat.
"So…you're Mr. Happy Smiles?" asked a beige-colored pony.
"Of course, I'm so happy that I can barely breathe," Sniper said quickly and continued grinning.
"See, he's perfectly harmless and he's smiling too!" Pinkie Pie said happily and grinned along.
"That's helping but I still need to ease the tension further. I know, maybe I'll play a game with them and at the same time, I should think of a way to escape," Sniper thought.
While Sniper played games with what he called a group of pastel-colored show ponies, Heavy was having a great time with his newfound friends Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy had invited Heavy to help look after her livestock and while Heavy had hands the size of a bear, he handled them like a gentle giant. Needless to say, even Rainbow Dash was impressed. They had, earlier, wanted to show Heavy around Ponyville but there were chores to do and Heavy offered to help Fluttershy take care of the animals.
"Hey, you're not too bad after all, big guy. What's your real name anyway?" Rainbow Dash asked while she watched him feed some chicks.
"My…real name? Is Heavy Weapons Guy not my name?" Heavy asked as he pointed at himself.
"That sounds…a lot more like a title than a proper name," said Rainbow Dash. When she noticed Heavy still looked clueless, her eyebrows creased. "You have a name, don't you?"
"I…I don't know," Heavy admitted.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy looked at each other with a feeling of pity for Heavy. How is it possible for him to live without a true identity for himself? If he could not remember even his own name, could he possibly remember his own family – if he had one – or even his past? Heavy did not give his identity much thought though. After signing a contract with the company that drafted him into these gladiatorial battles for the sake of some people's sick amusement, Heavy seemed to have completely forgotten about who he really was before he joined RED. All he could remember now was his identity as the Heavy Weapons Guy and he was part of RED team along with eight other classes with roles of their own. Not only that, they were always pitted against BLU team, RED's rival company that consists of fighters that looked exactly like them except with slightly different personalities.
Heavy racked his brains in an attempt to search for an answer but came up empty.
"Heavy is Russian…but who is Heavy's family?" Heavy wondered aloud. "What is my name? Do you know my name?" he asked Fluttershy.
"Well…I um…if you don't have a name, we can give you one. If you're okay with it that is," Flutterhsy replied and smiled at Heavy.
"Da, very well!" Heavy said happily and sat down on the grassy ground while some of the chickens ran in circles around him.
Rainbow Dash sized up Heavy and looked at him from his bald head to his rather small legs compared to the rest of his body. The most noticeable thing about Heavy was his bald head and fat body, which gave Rainbow Dash an idea for a name for Heavy.
"I've got a good name," said the rainbow-maned pegasus. "I'm gonna call you Q-Ball!"
"Nyet, not good name!" Heavy objected while shaking his head.
"Um, how 'bout Fathead?"
"No!"
"Baldie?"
"Nyet!"
"Okay, so what name is it that you like?" Rainbow Dash asked back impatiently.
"A good name, a name Heavy likes," Heavy answered flatly.
"Um…I have a suggestion," Fluttershy said softly. Heavy turned to look at the yellow pegasus as she sat down beside him. "How about I call you Mr. Bear? You're big and you really do remind me of that bear I used to give a massage."
Heavy tapped his chin thoughtfully. It did not sound like a name but it could be related to his home country. He hunted bears with his bare hands before and it was one of the memories that has not been wiped from his memory. Plus, his teammates usually referred to him as the RED Bear and for a good reason too. His stature and strength was that of a bear and instead of fighting with melee weapons like the rest of his teammates, Heavy could deliver killing blows with his fists, much like a bear smacking its opponent silly. Heavy liked the simple name Fluttershy suggested and a smile of approval appeared on his face.
"That is good name. Heavy likes it," Heavy replied with a nod.
"Mr. Bear? Really?" Rainbow Dash scoffed. "Well, I suppose it does suit your size…and attitude. Better than calling you Heavy Weapons Guy anyway."
"Alright, Mr. Bear, why don't you help herd the chickens back into the coop? It's time for lunch and I know just the thing that will suit your appetite," Fluttershy said and flew back into her cottage while Heavy and Rainbow Dash were left in the yard.
"Fluttershy is best pony. Heavy approves," Heavy said.
"Ugh, you said that like…the hundredth time. I know Fluttershy's the best and all but I have my eye on you, see. If anything happens to her, I'm gonna have a word with you," Rainbow Dash said in a menacing manner while poking Heavy in the chest with a hoof.
However, Heavy remained unafraid of Rainbow Dash, especially when she was so small and tiny (to him) like the BLU Scout's scrawny neck. Heavy could just reach out and strangle Rainbow Dash but even when Dash had a rather brash personality, Heavy could not get himself to hurt her. She had been nice to him too.
"It is good to be human," Heavy thought and smirked mentally. "I got my fists and little baby pony has none. But rainbow pony is Fluttershy's friend. Heavy must not hurt Fluttershy's feelings by hurting rainbow pony."
Heavy had to admit that Rainbow Dash wasn't too bad of a pony even though it really, really reminded him of Scout. Nevertheless, he would try to make friends with her and perhaps get used to his new identity as Mr. Bear.
"What's the progress, professor?" Soldier asked while Engineer's fingers worked quickly on the keyboard in an attempt to retrieve the coordinates from the damaged teleporter.
"Funny that you should ask, partner. I thought mindless numbskulls like you wouldn't bother," Engineer replied. "Progress is slow…but I'm making progress nonetheless," Engineer added before Soldier could reprimand Engineer for calling him a numbskull.
"This better be quick. The longer we wait, the more we'll be steamrolled by BLU team. Never in my life have I been beaten FOUR times in a row!" Soldier said gruffly and held up four fingers to emphasize his point.
"Hell, ye're not the only one, laddie," Demoman interrupted as he entered Engineer's hideout with a bottle of scrumpy in his hand but he wasn't drinking out of it as usual. "I've a feelin' that the Announcer is plottin' on us."
"Yeah…maybe she's with the Illuminati," Soldier said as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
While Demoman was a usual drunkard, he was not as stupid as he seems. He never believed in conspiracy theories, especially those involving the Illuminati. Demoman loved conspiracy theories but to apply them to reality without solid facts was way beyond silly.
"Illuminati eh," Demoman said with a bitter chuckle. "The next thing ye know, ye'd say the Illuminati consist of a group of talkin' ponies," he joked and slammed the bottle onto a table. "Listen laddie, there's no such thing as the Illuminati."
"Oh yes there is, you one-eyed crossdresser! They're watching…they're everywhere and BLU team might even be working with them. I say we round up every one of them and beat the crap out of them!" Soldier said and slammed a fist into his palm for emphasis.
"That's fine all but as long as we're not cooperating, there ain't gonna be any victories for us. We've gotta make do with what we've got," Engineer remarked casually.
Just when Engineer thought his day could not get any worse, the Announcer announced the commencement of a new match. Engineer was clearly irritated but he restrained himself from trying to throw his wrench on the floor. Instead, he grabbed his hardhat and put it on.
"Looks like we've got a job to do, boys. This time though, I say we plan our attack first. Maybe we can win just this once," Engineer said and reloaded Frontier Justice.
"For once, professor, I agree," Soldier said.
End Note: Yeah, it ain't the best chapter and sorry for the long delay, folks. I've been rather busy with assignments. Also, what do you think if I included Gmod Monsters in later chapters? Plot will change in later chapters when RED team is transported to Equestria.