Chapter 4

"Dear Ultra-Secret Diary,

Everybody is working themselves into a tizzy today,
but you couldn't ask for a more opportune situation.
This creates the perfect chance for me to make a map
of Mushroom Kingdom's strengths and weaknesses
and diagram the best vantage points for future attacks.
I'm hoping that if I start now, I'll be prepared to conquer
as soon as I'm grown up. First the Mushroom Kingdom -
next up, the world!

I better get going; full report as soon as I get back. Wish
me luck!"
~Rosella Koopa

I could understand why Elsie wanted to tag along, since this gave her the perfect opportunity to scope out Mushroom Kingdom's layout and defenses, but I was a little surprised that Rue wanted to go, too. "Because he'd be lonely without me," Elsie told me smugly when I mentioned this to her.

Given that sensitive little Rue didn't really have anyone else to latch on to while Mama Rosie was away, I was willing to bet that this was true, even though he acted nonchalant when he joined us in the foyer a little while later. Elsie had sent him off to pack a small bag of baby things for the trip first, while she ran off to her room to grab her notebook - for jotting down all the important details, of course.

No one bothered to come see us off, so we saw ourselves out. The little prince and princess were still dozing in the saddle when we first left the castle, but they woke up a little while later - right around the time Elsie started griping about how we were walking instead of taking an airship.

"Because we're trying to be as inconspicuous as possible," I reminded her.

The thought made her scoff. "Good luck not being noticed, big brother."

"She has a point," Rue agreed.

"Oh, come on," I said, exasperated. "I'm not that big and scary these days, am I?"

They both paused and looked at me. I looked back blandly, then turned my gaze to the path ahead of us. We were already on the outskirts of the kingdom, the landscape turning soft and green and the sun trying to shine through the thinning clouds above us. Not far from where we stood was a common-looking koopa, taking a stroll with an even more common-looking goomba. Neither of them looked very tough and I doubted they were from our kingdom, but that was no reason why I couldn't walk up and say hi.

"I rest my case," said Elsie, as the pair ran squealing into the bushes and disappeared.

"Maybe I should just go home and let you two handle this without me," I grumbled.

"Or we could all go in disguise," Elsie suggested eagerly, pausing to rummage in the bag she was carrying. I watched as she pulled out and tugged on a long black cloak.

"Isn't that Mom's?" asked Rue.

It sure looked like it. And Elsie was a little less than half of Mama Rosie's size, so the hem of the cloak dragged behind her while the hood drooped down over her face, leaving only the tip of her nose visible. "What do you think?" she wondered, spreading her short arms wide.

"Uh, I don't think you're going to instill much confidence in very many people," I said dryly.

"I agree," said Rue. "You look shifty."

Not quite the word I would have used. Suspicious? Threatening? Up to no good? Now that was more like it.

Rue wasn't a whole lot better. In the heart of sunless Darkland, his porcelain-white pallor and black robes wouldn't get a second glance, but out here in the golden sunlight, with a backdrop of soft grass and flowers and things that would only get softer and brighter the closer to Mushroom Kingdom we got...he stood out strangely, like an ink blot on an otherwise pristine sheet of white paper.

"Skip the cloak," I advised. "And try not to call too much attention to yourselves."

Grumbling, Elsie put the cloak away and started walking again, the little yoshi and its passengers trotting along behind her. Mario Jr was clutching his cloud doll and placidly sucking his thumb as he blinked around him at the scenery, but Popo was squirming in her seat and making unhappy baby sounds.

I eyed her warily for a moment. "She doesn't need another diaper change, does she?"

Rolling her eyes, Elsie leaned over and took a sniff near the hem of the tiny princess' pink dress. "No," she said after a moment. "I think she just wants out."

I didn't see any harm in that, so I unfastened the fussy princess from the saddle and started carrying her. She squirmed around a moment more before settling down, cooing softly as she reached up to tug on a lock of my red-orange hair. Elsie snickered. "I think she digs you, big brother," she noted teasingly. "Maybe you could try kidnapping her in a few years and see what happens."

"Uh, after watching you change her diaper?" I said dryly. "No thank you. Do I look like a cradle robber to you - literally?"

Beside me, Rue rolled his eyes. "Seriously Ro, don't be so weird."

Elsie let out a huff. "I was kidding."

"But now that you mention it," I went on in a sly tone, "maybe it would be a good idea to arrange a marriage someday. You know, to help align the kingdoms and all."

Elsie released another huff of air, her eyes turning skyward. "We don't want to permanently align the kingdoms," she grumbled in exasperation. "That would ruin my future plans."

"Besides, who is there to arrange a marriage with?" Rue wondered. "Everyone else in the family is too old - and too goofy."

Smirking, both Elsie and I turned to look at him; he made a face at us in return. "Now you're just being creepy."

The two of us just laughed, knowing that the whole conversation was completely ridiculous, because neither of our parents support arranged marriages. Mama Rosie is a firm believer in marrying for love.

And speaking of Mama Rosie; watching how Rue kept tugging his cape around him, and shielding his eyes as the sunlight grew brighter, it reminded me of how Mama Rosie also had to watch how much sun her sensitive skin got. She never went this far from home without a lacy parasol - a nice black one. I'm pretty sure she's glad that none of us ever saw how she used to look when she was younger, when she would move around the kingdom of her birth. Whenever I try to picture her dressed head to toe in white, in a stiff taffeta dress that whispered noisily as she walked, with a high collar closed tight with a brooch that itched her neck, and a modest little bonnet on her head...actually I can't even picture any of that.

As we walked on, I wondered absently what our parents were up to right now. They were probably miles from here by now, seeing the sights, shopping for souvenirs, and cuddling up like newlyweds. Hopefully, this quaint little mess would be peacefully resolved long before they got back, and I was pretty sure that none of us planned to ever breathe a word of it to anyone again.

The closer to Mushroom Kingdom we got, the more local citizens we came across...and the more often we saw grown koopas and toads screeching like wet cats as they tried to shatter speed records. "They know I'm not Dad, right?" I wondered, after the fifth or sixth group took off so fast they left dust clouds and tufts of grass in their wake. If I were Dad, he would be bellowing with laughter right now, but as for me...I found it kind of ego bruising.

"Or that Dad has better hobbies now than harassing the weak and puny?" Rue added. "Well, most of the time."

"I don't think they want to take a chance on either count," noted Elsie.

Fortunately, we reached the outskirts of the kingdom a few minutes later. Unfortunately, every toad in sight ran for the hills the moment they spotted us - or rather me - coming down the orange-brown road. "That's it," I groused, passing Popo to Elsie. "I'm going to keep out of sight while you two head up to the castle."

Shrugging, Elsie put the petite princess back on her mount, then continued northward through the center of town with Rue, while I cut around the backs of the surrounding shops, staying hidden...or at least trying to. Shorter than Dad or not, this little town wasn't built for someone of my stature, and there wasn't a whole lot I could hide behind. Sighing, I eventually got down on all fours and crawled behind a clump of bushes growing alongside the road.

I hadn't gotten very far when I almost bumped nose-first into the tiniest pair of toads I had ever seen. Only a hair bigger than Mario Jr counting their speckled caps, they both giggled and pressed a finger to their lips with a 'sh!' "We're playin' hide-n-seek with our big brother," one of them whispered.

"Wanna play too?" the other one asked eagerly.

"Sorry," I said, as I edged by. "I'm, um, on important business."

They both gave me a funny look, while I, mustering as much dignity as I could, crawled on. My cover ran out a few feet later, but up ahead, things looked quiet beyond the gate leading to the castle grounds. The twins suddenly stopped walking and looked over at me, their blank expressions matching. I knew I had to look pretty silly right now, but I ignored them and said, "How come adults run away from me and kids don't?"

Rue suddenly pressed a hand over his mouth, like he was shoving back a giggle. "I guess they don't know any better," he responded, with a funny strain to his voice.

Elsie was biting her bottom lip and visibly struggling not to crack up. "Or maybe they recognize you as one of their own," she suggested.

I rolled my eyes. "Very funny. I'm not doing this for fun, you know."

"Then why?" Elsie wondered, as Rue pressed both hands over his mouth and snorted on suppressed laughter.

"I'm trying to be inconspicuous," I groused, rolling my eyes again. "Now quit attracting so much attention."

"No one's looking, big brother," Elsie informed me, fighting back giggles as she spoke. "And a good thing, too. If you want to be less conspicuous, you had better lose the passenger."

I opened my mouth to demand 'what passenger?'...then closed it again and twisted my neck to look over my shoulder. Perched on the middle of my shell, light as a feather, was one of the tiny toads. The other one ran up with a giggle and hopped to reach one of my spikes. "I wanna ride, too!"

While my younger siblings doubled over in hysterics, I calmly, carefully plucked my pint-sized hitchhiker off and sent him on the grass. "Sorry, I've got an important mission I need to finish," I said as I lumbered to my feet. "We'll play later, okay?"

As I hurried off, the pair watched me go with tiny frowns and sniffles. "I'll be right back," I promised awkwardly.

Rue and Elsie continued to snicker after they collected themselves and hurried to catch up. "Maybe instead of being king, you should run a daycare center," Elsie suggested sweetly.

"Maybe you should watch it, before you find yourself on the business end of my flame," I countered, just as sweetly.

Elsie just laughed and tucked up into her shell, which clattered onto the road as her legs left the ground. "Go ahead," she challenged, her voice muffled and hollow. "Let 'er rip."

"Um, we have company," Rue interrupted, his voice dropping almost to a whisper.

Elsie quickly popped back out, and I hastily turned around and looked over at the castle grounds, expecting to see a troop of guards running our way. To my relief it was only Princess Daisy, out for a leisurely stroll. We'd always been on good terms with the brightly-clad royal, since Dad never kidnapped her or invaded her kingdom. Plus she has a sense of humor.

This might turn out better than we planned, I thought as she spotted us and waved. We could leave the baby princess and plumber in her charge and run home in time for dinner. Hopefully.

"What are you three doing so far from home?" she asked, as we met her near a garden of pink and white flowers.

"We were wondering the same thing about these two," responded Elsie, indicating to Mario Jr and Popo, still strapped to the lime green yoshi, who was yawning and blinking sleepily.

Daisy looked shocked for a moment. "They wandered all the way over to Darkland? I'm so glad you found them and brought them home before they were hurt!"

"So are we," I said, as Rue half-hid behind my shell.

Rue is always bashful around anyone outside of the family or our kingdom. Elsie, on the other hand, never fails to be outspoken - and blunt as a sledgehammer. "Who was babysitting them, anyway?" she asked, as Daisy bent over and cooed at the little ones for a moment. "Whoever they are, they should be fired immediately."

"I'm not sure," said Daisy, looking sheepish as she straightened up again. "I was out with Luigi this morning, and their parents just left for their vacation, so...I guess the two of them got bored and wandered off."

I blinked in surprise. "They went on vacation too?"

"What a coincidence," Elsie noted dryly.

I knew what she was thinking. If Dad ran into his old nemesis out in the wilds, the vacation would rapidly turn into a fierce competition. Those two competed over everything; a few years ago, before Mario Jr or Popo was born, we had all taken a day off together and lounged on Koopa Beach. Well, Mama Rosie and Rue had lounged, keeping under the safety of beach umbrellas, while Dad and Mario competed over everything from sand castles to surfing. Dad's massive hands could whoop anyone when it came to packing sand any day of the week, but...his bulky weight isn't exactly designed for balancing on a surfboard. The koopalings had enjoyed the tidal waves he made that day, at least.

"If you wouldn't mind taking them home for us, we'll be on our way," I said.

Daisy smiled and patted the sleeping-looking yoshi. "No problem," she assured us. "Thank you again, and have a safe trip home."

Returning home wouldn't be any trouble, but the ruckus we - or rather I - caused along the way was another story. Not that we went straight home; Elsie ran off as soon as we were through the castle gate, notebook in hand, while Rue, his bashfulness vanishing, laughingly tagged along while the tiny toads latched onto me and dragged me into their game of hide-and-seek.

It was hours before we were finally ready to go home again, and by then we were hungry and thirsty and decided to drop by the juice bar near the pier before we left. It emptied mysteriously as soon as we walked through the door, giving us free reign of the place. Rue nibbled on yoshi cookies and spun on a bar stool, while Elsie beguiled the owner into giving her a slew of free samples. She had a sugar buzz and a case of the hiccups by the time I finally dragged her away.

When we left Mushroom Kingdom (the locals probably rejoiced as soon as we were gone) and got back home to the castle, Morton and Roy were target practicing out by the moat, frazzled-looking maids were toting piles of shopping bags off to Wendy's room, and a muffled explosion came from the direction of Iggy's laboratory. I let out a sigh of relief, which Elsie echoed. "Life as usual," she noted, before scurrying off to her room with her notes.

Everything remained normal for the next few days, which made everyone, including me, conclude that my temporary reign was going to go smoothly from now on - and then an armed toad guard showed up on our doorstep one morning. "Now, I'm not accusing you of anything," he began after I nervously invited him inside, "but an alert was put out that her Highness disappeared while she was on her vacation and, well..."

"But our Dad doesn't kidnap her anymore," I protested in surprise. "Besides, he and our Mom are both away on vacation too."

"That's what we were told," responded the guard, "but his Majesty sent back word for us to start searching nearer to home while he's off scouring the distant countryside, and we didn't know where else to begin."

Perplexed, I gave him free-run of the castle, and he left a little while later, satisfied that his pink-clad queen was nowhere in our kingdom. After the guard was gone, Elsie started snickering. "What's so funny?" I demanded wearily.

"Don't you get it?" she asked, her amber eyes dancing. "The four of them must have met up somewhere, which eventually started a huge testosterone battle, and Mom would definitely get mad about Dad suddenly ignoring her. The quickest way to get rid of Mario would be to make his wife disappear."

I stared at her as what she was suggesting sunk in. "Wait, you're saying Mama Rosie kidnapped her?"

"Not kidnapped, per se; more like hid her away somewhere, probably right under plumber-hubby's nose. Hey, if I were in her situation, it's definitely what I would do."

I thought she was nuts, but the search continued for a couple of weeks, until around the time Dad sent us a postcard saying they were heading home soon...and then Queen Peach mysteriously turned up safe and sound immediately afterward. Our parents came home a few days later, and we all trooped into the foyer as their luggage was ferried through.

"Did you have fun?" I asked dryly, noting the oddly smug look on Mama Rosie's face as she hugged me.

"Loads," she responded simply.

"You've never looked so tan," noted Ludwig, referring to how her pale skin almost looked a half-shade darker than usual.

"You all behaved yourselves, right?" Mama Rosie asked sternly, just as Rue scurried up and clung to her, sniffling shamelessly.

"Did you?" I returned, my suspicion plain.

Mama Rosie simply sent a smug smile Dad's way, which he returned, one eyebrow arching slyly. Grinning, she pulled away from Rue and hopped to noisily kiss Dad's cheek. "We should take another vacation," she sighed, her expression dreamy as she rested her head on his middle.

"I think you've been naughty enough for now," said Dad, chuckling.

She simply laughed and scurried off, while I barely suppressed a shudder. "You're not taking another one right away, are you?" I asked. "I don't think I'm ready to be in charge again."

"How come?" Dad asked suspiciously. "Did something happen?"

"Nothing worth mentioning," Elsie said lightly, as she scribbled something in her notebook.

Dad still looked suspicious, but he didn't press the issue before heading off to make sure everything was being unpacked properly. "We should take a vacation of our own," Elsie suggested eagerly after he was gone.

"And in this case, the vacation would only be smokescreen for making more notes," I said.

"Precisely, big brother."

She grinned cheekily at me. "What could possibly go wrong?"

Sighing, I patted her two-toned curls for a moment. "Do me a favor, baby sis; don't ever say that again."

~Fin~

So that's it. So sorry again for the delay; I hope you all enjoyed this playful, light-hearted little romp. I may do more Marioverse stories in the future, but this will probably be the last Rosie-related tale I do. Many thanks to everyone for their support; I love you all.