As soon as they left the room, everything began to really sink in for Ashley. The more she thought about it, she was more apprehensive than she wanted to admit at the prospect of being someone's mom, but she knew she wanted to try. She just hoped her parents hadn't screwed her up so much that she wouldn't be able to do a good job. Spencer had come into her life and terrified her. She had made her feel things she'd repressed for a very long time. Ashley loved being with Spencer and she loved Spencer more than anyone else in her life, but this was different. Samantha was someone she was related to by blood. Even though she and Spencer had been together for a while and their relationship had survived so much, the older girl was far from confident that they would last. She was worried that this new development might be the final straw in their relationship, or that with her history, it was inevitable that she would do something to fuck it up. Her own mother thought she was a mistake and everyone else she had loved and let close to her either died or screwed her over. Her father, everyone she'd been with before, Kyla and Aiden. Why would the blonde be any different? At least her daughter couldn't leave her for a long time to come. Plus, Samantha did have half of Aiden's DNA, so maybe the little girl wouldn't be as wild and rebellious as she had been. She hoped not anyway.
"So," Spencer started, sitting down on her bed and pulling Ashley down next to her. "Wow, this is pretty cool, huh?"
"Cool? Spence? You're not even seventeen yet. You have another year of High School before college and who knows what after that? How can you think this is cool? I've managed to fuck things up for you yet again. If you stay with me, you'll be throwing your life away!" Ashley began pacing, trying not to look Spencer in the eye. She was terrified of what she would find there, the love and acceptance that she'd come to count on, or the anger and hurt that the latest statement was sure to cause the younger girl.
"Ash, what do you mean, if I stay with you I'm throwing my life away?" Spencer stood up and tried to stop the pacing brunette. She placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Come here, tell me what's going on. I'm not going anywhere."
Ashley shrugged the hand off and continued pacing. "Please don't touch me right now. I need to think this through. I can't deal with anything else. I have to figure out what I'm going to do."
"I know, this was a huge shock to you. I want to help you though. Don't shut me out, baby." Spencer took a few more steps toward her girlfriend. "We can figure it out together."
Ashley swirled around to look directly into Spencer's eyes. The expression of love, patience and understanding that she saw there that was so typical of the other girl made her shut down even further. Her expressive dark eyes flashed angrily as she yet again started speaking before she had really thought about what she was going to say. "I know that if you stay with me, I know that somewhere down the road, you're going to look back and wish that you could have gone somewhere else for college, traveled more, gone out more, anything that you can't do when you have a kid." Ashley tried hard to stay angry so she could keep the tears at bay. She knew she had to do this; it was best for everyone. "This is so gonna limit things, Spencer and I'm not going to do that to you. I'm sure you haven't thought any of that out. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. This is my responsibility anyway, not yours. I'm not saddling you with this." Ashley took a deep breath trying to pull out all the stops before continuing. "Also, she's half Aiden's. Can you really help me raise her with that reminder around every day? Can you look at her and not resent her because she's half his?"
"Ok, I know you've just had a huge shock and you're upset right now and I'm trying really hard to remember that, but hello? We've been together for almost a year now." Spencer took a few steps toward Ashley and tried and failed to get the brunette to look at her. She was also fighting to keep her temper under control. Spencer knew that the older girl was reacting out of fear, but that didn't make it any easier to take. "You know me better than that, Ash. The whole Aiden situation is in the past. Do I miss him? Yes, and what happened to him and Kyla was so screwed up, but what went on between the three of us doesn't bother me anymore. I love you. Not to be mean or whatever, but he's gone and I'm right here with you. I know you're with me too. You know I would never hold the past against a little girl. I would be happy to help you with her, and you should know me well enough to know that I don't do anything I don't want to do. My home is with you; wherever you are. It doesn't matter to me where I go to college as long as it's near you. I don't need to go somewhere far away. I'm fine staying here, whatever you want. We can stay here and get our own place if we want. We can work it out. Any parent with kids gets babysitters sometimes and you know we can still travel. Take her with us or Dad will be glad to watch her once she's settled in and comfortable with us. Talk to me, Ash. What's behind this?"
Ashley stood there not saying a word. Spencer decided to just wait a minute and give her some time to process things. She knew that Ashley would have to open up to her in order for things to get better between them, for them to get through this and make the relationship stronger. She loved the brunette very much and was willing to give her the time she needed, to a point, but she was also starting to get tired of her girlfriend's tendency to run away or push her away at the first sign of any trouble or conflict. Ashley had issues, Spencer wasn't even going to try to deny that; but she thought that after all this time, and having herself as a constant, that things would be better than they were.
"Dinner's ready, girls!" Arthur's voice startled both girls and Ashley walked back over to the bed, praying Spencer wouldn't follow.
"I'm really not hungry. Tell your dad I'm sorry but I just need a little time alone to process this, ok? I'll get something later."
"I'll bring dinner up to you if you want. You need to eat." Spencer didn't know what she should do. She wanted to stay and help Ashley, but she also knew that her mercurial girlfriend sometimes just needed some time to think things through alone. She didn't want the girl to think she was abandoning her, but she also didn't want to drag her dad into whatever was going on with them unless she had to.
"You don't have to. Thanks, though. I'm really not hungry right now." Ashley was still trying as hard as she could to hold back the tears. She didn't want to cry in front of Spencer again but if her girlfriend didn't leave soon, she knew she would. Her thoughts were swirling and she had no idea what to do or how to feel. She was sure that her life was about to become more fucked up yet again.
"If you change your mind, please come down? I'll come check on you later, k?"
"Ok, I'll be here." Ashley was uncharacteristically short with Spencer, causing the blonde to worry even more. She wanted to hug the upset brunette before heading down to dinner, but Ashley had shut herself down as effectively as if she'd pulled shades down over her eyelids and placed a closed sign around her neck. Spencer knew she'd get nowhere. She just hoped she could fix things later before it was too late. She had no clue how to get through to her girlfriend and work this out but she knew she had to figure something out fast.