Disclaimer: Blah, Blah, something about not owning Family Guy, and such.
Chapter 4: Ready for the Homecoming Dance
Zack was upstairs in the basement playing his Nintendo 64. Specifically, he was playing WWF No Mercy. He had created himself into the game and was beating the hell out of Triple H.
"Just gotta pull off my finisher and I'll become champion," said Greg.
Just at that very moment, he heard Meg screaming from downstairs.
"What the hell?" asked Zack who was distracted long enough for the polygonal Triple H to take a steel chair and Smack his CAW's head clean off his shoulders. Literally.
"What the hell? I didn't know the game could do that?!?" said Zack.
The announcer in the game then shouted out, "YOU SUCK!," to Zack as the very same words began flashing onscreen.
"Didn't know the game could do that either," said Zack who was rather annoyed. He then decided to go and see what Meg was screaming about. Meanwhile downstairs, Meg was at the kitchen table looking rather distraught.
"It'll be okay, sweetie" said Lois.
"No it won't be okay," said Meg.
"What's all the hubub?" said Zack as he walked into the kitchen.
"Homecoming is tonight and I don't have a date," said Meg, "Again!"
"Of course you don't have a date," said Peter, "Nobody likes you."
"Why am I not surprised he was gonna say that?" asked Zack in sarcasm as he took an apple from the fruit bow, "How about I help you get a date?"
"Really," asked Meg, "How?"
"I'll think of something," said Zack.
"Oh this is only asking for trouble," said Stewie, "This'll be worse than the time I accidentally found hentai with Lois and the Fatman."
Flashback
Stewie is on the computer checking his e-mail.
"Now let's see. Oooohhh," said Stewie in amusement, "An E-mail claiming that I won $2,000. All I have to do is double click and... OH GOD!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!"
Stewie then runs out the door past Quagmire.
"Stewie, where the hell are you going?" said Quagmire as he then looks at the computer screen, "Well alright!"
End Flashback
Later at 7-11, a teenage boy comes up to the register purchasing funions and a soda.
"Hey, dude, I'll give this winning scratch and win ticket if you do me this one favor," said Zack.
"Sure! Anything's worth it!" said the Teen.
"Take this girl to Homecoming" said Zack as he showed him a picture of Meg.
The teen then proceeded to light himself on fire with gasoline and ran out the store screaming.
"Wuss..." muttered Zack.
Later, Zack comes up to a skater at the park.
"Hey, I'll buy you a new board if you go out with this girl," said Zack showing him the picture of Meg. The skater then proceeded to skate into the pond screaming while drowning himself.
"Idiot..." muttered Zack.
Later, Zack is at a the mall talking to yet another teen.
"...And I will give you all my worldly possessions if you go out with this girl," said Zack as he showed him the picture of Meg. The teen then proceeded by jumping off the ledge of the 2nd story.
"OH COME ONE!!! SHE DOESN'T LOOK THAT BAD!!!"shouted Zack in frustration.
Later he went back to the Griffin's residence.
"Any luck," asked Lois.
"No," said Zack as he went up to his room, "That's why I'm gonna use a different method of 'persuasion.'"
Zack then came out of his room with a shotgun and cocked it before leaving the house. Later at an alleyway, Zack has his gun pointed to another teen's head.
"Go out with her of I'll blow your head off!" shouted Zack.
The teen looks at the picture, then the gun, the the picture, and then the gun again.
"It's not worth it. Just shoot me," said the teen.
"Oh I give up!" said Zack as he proceeded to knock the boy out with a blow from the butt of the gun. Back at the Griffin residence, Zack and Brian are having a conversation.
"It's hopeless!" said Zack, "Every guy I asked either commited suicide or injured themselves. I ask why? Meg isn't that ugly, is she? I blew it."
"Don't blame yourself, Zack," said Brian, "You should be blaming the media, whose definition of attractive are blonde, boney girls with low intellect. This basically affects how Americans view 'attractive'."
"Or maybe it's cuz she's ugly," said Chris as he entered the room.
"Nobody asked you, lardbutt!" said Zack.
"So what happened?" asked Meg.
"I asked every teenaged boy in town and they all did something stupid," said Zack.
"Hey Brian," said Peter, "Why don't you chaperone for her again?"
"Oh no!" said Brian, "Not after what happened last time. No offense Meg, but you were a little, well, loopy."
"Well, that's it then" said Peter, "Meg is still alone and she still sucks since nobody will take her to homecoming."
"I'll take her," said Zack.
"You will?" asked Meg.
"He will?" asked Lois.
"Zack, you should reconsider," said Brian.
"No," said Zack, "I WANT to take her. If I don't do it, no one will and Meg might do something stupid like get a sex change and call herself 'Ron'."
"Oh, thank you Zack!" said Meg as she hugged him, "I'm gonna go call my friends."
Meg then ran to her room leaving the others alone.
"What the hell are you thinking, man," said Peter, "That's Meg!"
"Wow, you ARE daring" said Stewie, "He's willing to go where no man has gone before: Meg's vagin-"
"Shut up!" said Zack, "We're merely going as friends and nothing more."
"Just be careful not to show Meg the wrong kind of feelings," said Lois, "She may snap again."
"Don't worry," said Zack, "I'm gonna get changed"
Zack then walked upstairs to the attic to get changed into a suit.
"There goes a brave man," said Peter, "I call dibs on his N64!"
"I want his bed!" said Chris.
"YOU F#CKERS AREN'T GETTING JACK CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA DIE!!!!" shouted Zack. This was going to be a long night.
End Chapter.