DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters.
AUTHORS NOTE: Got me another bit of story here. Hope ya like it. I was unsure of some of the Athosian name's and didn't find confirmation on proper spelling. Also hope this isn't too AU of the characters.
Also, if you see something that is not correct, drop me a line. I have not watched all of the episodes, but I hope to some day. I'm going with what I know of the story and that is not everything.
WARNING: Curse words and a big honken' load of angst. Un-beta'd, so we got a universe of mistakes kids. Don't zat me. At least not twice.
Teyla's Choice (cont.)
by Anne Pendragon
Night came quickly on the land, the approaching storm from the west pushing the darkness in early on the evening's proceedings. Teyla stood within the doorway of her friend and confidants home, arms crossed watching the turbulent skies.
Arriving in her people's village only a short time ago, Teyla had left her son with John and the others to meet with Holling before Kanann's ceremony. On her way to the kindly leaders home, she could not help but feel the tentative behavior or the silence from the many she passed in the village.
Teyla had expected the solemness of this day. Kanann had been a kind man and well liked among their people, as were the two other Athosian men Kanann had killed escaping with Torren while under Michael's control. Her people had mourned many over time, but these deaths had been different. For these men had been killed by another Athosian and Kanann's life taken by her. The tragedy of that fact only furthered her feelings of guilt and alienation between herself and her fellow Athosians and quickened her pace to Hollings tent…
"Do our people blame me for Kanann's death, Holling?" Teyla's eyes still on the sky. "I shot him down. I took his life…" her voice trailed to the winds. "Do they understand the choice I had to make—will my son someday when he asks?"
Holling stood from his table and made it to his friend's side placing a gentle hand upon her shoulder. "Kanann's life was taken by Michael long before you were forced to take his breath. That is understood amongst our people." Many who had been experimented on by Michael, understand too well the forfeit of their sentiency during that time. "Kanann was no longer the man of his people, but something else entirely."
Holling watched Teyla look upon the sky without seeing it. "As for your choice—it is only you who must understand and give yourself forgiveness. Although some of our people are still pained and disturbed by what has transpired, it is understood you saved an unarmed man from being murdered while he defended you and your child…"
"But he was Kanann. He was my son's father—my friend…" Teyla turned to her friend. Holling felt the guilt as much as saw it in her eyes, but he believed it was more for reasons his conflicted friend had yet to say.
"You mourn Kanann, I know. But it is because it was John Sheppard's life that you chose over Kanann's that this weighs upon you so. You were left to choose between the man who gave you a son and the one you feel love and duty. Is this not what troubles you so?" Holling watched his friends eyes turn wide and pained. It was answer enough. "Kanann was lost to us and he was going to kill Sheppard, an unarmed…"
"But John was armed." Teyla whispered, stopping her friend. "He-he thought that Torren and I were safe aboard the Prometheus. He was about to leave the bunker himself, but Kanann found him…" Teyla trailed off and began again. "Kanann found him, giving John no other choice but to kill him, because Kanann would surely have killed John. He would have killed me…" Teyla trailed off, still in shock at what Michael had created from the kind man she once knew, a nearly unstoppable super soldier with strict instructions to kill anyone who got in the way of claiming Torren. That was the fate of the two Athosian men who tried stopping Kanann from passing through the stargate and it would have been Teyla's and John if they had not saved one another at the bunker on Kroax.
"But John didn't draw on him—he couldn't." Teyla breathed in deep and closed her eyes. "He didn't because he was Torrens father—that I and Kanann…" Teyla's voice broke. "So John laid down his gun and allowed Kanann to draw upon him. He was going to die to save Kanann from himself. To give Atlantis's doctors another chance at fixing him. He did it for me. He did it for Torren…" Tears silently fell down the stoic woman's face. Her heart still hurt from the memory.
Holling felt more than a little moved by the Lt. Colonels willing attempt at sacrifice, but it came to no surprise. Nor did it surprise him he would do so for Teyla and her son. Atlantis's military leader was well known amongst their people for his daring and selfless dedication to those he defended. Why would the man's actions be any different for those he loved?
Gently, Holling turned Teyla into his comforting embrace and allowed the strong warrior of her people and of Atlantis, a moment of weakness with her guilt. But only a moment.
"Teyla, the guilt you place on your self is unjust…"
"But what kind of woman am I to love two men at the same time?" her voice angry against her friends chest. "I have dishonored…"
"You have not." Holling interrupted. "Kanann knew he had your friendship, but not the sum of your heart. Sharing a son with you had been an unexpected blessing, but he knew where your heart lies, as well as I have known and as Charin had known the day the people of Earth came into our lives." Holling pulled Teyla from his embrace and held her by her shoulders, catching her eye.
"I will not pretend to understand the complicated relationship you have forged with John Sheppard, but I understand the strength of your friendship and your equal dedication to the other. You respect this man and he you. Love forged out of these things between two honorable people can be no dishonor."
Teyla drew in a deep breath and nodded her head. Holling was right. The love itself she felt for John held no feelings of disrepute. It was the situation which all of 'this' occurred that weighed down on her heart. Maybe she had been scared by the enormity of it, even overwhelmed, but not once did the love she held for John shame her.
"Thank you Holling." Teyla bowed her head and was met by her friends in return. "You are a wonderful friend and have given me a great deal of comfort this day."
Pulling back, Holling warmly smiled. "I have only given you the truth."
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
John had watched her make her way into the village, the sound of Torren John babbling in Ronan's arms behind him at the back of the Jumper.
By the time John had gotten back to Teyla at the end of the day, there had been a change in her, one that left him feeling unsettled. This thing between them-this love was new ground for him and Teyla. Hell, this was new ground for him. Yeah, he'd been married, he'd thought he'd been in love, but this-he knew this love he felt for her could not be measured in any traditional sense or given definition. So as brave a man as he sometimes felt, he was still petrified of screwing it all up and having it all taken away from him.
So for his own sanity, he reasoned that the rigidness in her shoulders as she walked was the tension of the day telling on her. Her failed smiles she'd tried giving him simply the casualties of her rightful feelings of sorrow and loss. He even pushed aside the ache in his chest at her unwillingness to say more than ten words to him in private since he'd met her, McKay, Ronan and Keller in the Jumper bay to go to the planet. Being that he himself was never much for talk when his emotions were too close to the surface, he gave her that. But watching her walk away from him and into her peoples village without so much as a glance back and he knew she was hurting but didn't want to tell him…
"Sheppard." A gruff voice in his ear, stirring him from his worried thoughts. "Just give her some space."
John nodded his head, watching Teyla's body disappear behind a tent and was gone from his sight. He felt Ronan roughly nudge his shoulder and then felt the warm weight of Torren John settle into his arms. Quietly the Satedan walked past and down the ramp of the Jumper and towards the village.
Instinctually, John held the child closer to his chest when the wind blew through the back hatch of the Jumper, gently covering the back of the little head with a callused hand. Finally taking his eyes from the village, he looked down to the squiggling bundle of arms and legs. "It's time, little man." He whispered to the child he'd come to hold even closer to his heart.
Finally looking around, he caught the quiet stare of Dr. Rodney McKay. The scientist didn't make any repeat of his snarky earlier comment that Sheppard would someday making a good wife or even point out that the child was presently using John's uniform as a teething toy. Rodney simply smiled at his friend, his eyes drifting from John to the child and then to where Teyla had disappeared and then back to John. John saw the recognition and the acceptance of this new, but not necessarily surprising change in their Atlantis family in his friend's eyes. Behind Rodney he spotted Dr. Keller, a similar look of understanding upon her grinning face.
"Jen and I have Torren's diaper bag." Rodney finally sputtered out. "So that means if we carry it you have to use it if he—you know, Torren needs it."
"Funny, Rodney." John warned, but both men smiled.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Night fall finally consumed the landscape, but the storm stayed at bay. The westerly winds blew heavily over the bank of the lake, pushing at the torch fires that lined the perimeter of the funeral pyre.
The sound of Athosian mourning expressed in song filled the air and the hearts of those who took part in the night. Teyla stepped forward, torch in hand. She was reliving a terrible dream and now the reality had come. She had not saved Kanann, not in a way that kept him in this world, but his soul was now at peace.
Laying the fire upon the edge of the pyre, she closed her eyes as the fire spread over the wood structure and burst over Kanann's death shroud. Opening them, she found dark stormy eyes watching her from over the flames. John stood ramrod strait amongst her Atlantis family, holding her sleeping child within his capable arms. The child must have been lulled into sleep by the soft mournful call of the singing this night, a sad substitute for his evening lullaby.
Over Torrens' little head, Teyla watched John gently nod to her, his eyes never wavering. She had felt John's eyes upon her through out the ceremony of song and his eyes held hers now as she completed the most difficult part of this night. She found within his stare compassion, but also so much strength—strength he seemed to physically give her by just his presence alone. He was being strong for her, the look in his eyes told her it was okay to let go. And she did. Tears she'd held at bay at the start of the ceremony she allowed to flow down the plains of her cheeks with abandon.
He watched her begin to silently cry where she proudly stood. Every impulse within told him to go to her and collect her in his arms, but he knew it was not what she would have wished for or would have been appropriate. So he held onto her eyes throughout the ceremony and held onto her son, hoping what he could give her now helped.
John stayed with Teyla till the fire burnt down to embers. Long after Dr. Keller took Torren for a changing in the village and Rodney and Ronan paid their respects to Teyla and followed. He stayed after those from the village left for the night and the rain began to fall. Even now, soaked to the bone, he would have stood with her till sunrise.
Quietly, John finally came to her side, the pop and hiss of the rain falling on the fires remains.
"Torren and I will be staying here for a little while, John." Her attention still sat upon the smoldering embers before them.
John felt his stomach clench at the set tone of her voice. "O-kay, how long are we talking? A day? The rest of the week?"
"I don't know John." Teyla turned to meet his eyes in the faded glow of the funeral pyre. "I-I just know that I must be with my people right now. They've lost so much this last week—this last year. I need to be here…" her voice trailed off when John's stare was too hard for her to bear.
John continued his silence in the rain. He was upset, more than upset. "Things have been hard on you too, Teyla." John's voice deceivingly even. "Maybe you should take some time from your duties…" John paused when she looked uncomfortably away. He was defiantly more than upset right now. John was scared. "But is it just that, Teyla? I understand your wanting to take care of your people. Believe me I understand…" Teyla had been the one who'd helped him better understand that lesson in leadership long ago. "But-but what about you and…"
"Me and Torren will be fine, John. We are amongst our people…"
"I was going to say you and me." John interrupted. "And you have other people too, Teyla. Back on Atlantis. People who care…" his voice began to rise.
Teyla breathed in deep and rushed into John, holding his face in her hands. "I am not leaving you, John. I'm not." She yelled over the now pounding rain that fell upon them. She could see it in his eyes. He thought she was stepping away. "Please trust me."
John searched her wide desperate eyes, his face still held tight in her hands. This wasn't about trust, it never was. It was about John's fear of loss. Loosing Teyla or Torren was something he could not do. Not again.
"I trust you, Teyla. I trust you with my life." John got out. "But it's trusting this…" John took his loose fist to his chest. John found sad understanding in his love's eyes. He felt Teyla take one of her hands from his cheek and place it over his fist and squeeze. "But I trust you." He spoke again. "I love you."
John pulled his hand from under hers on his chest and slid his fingers into her hair, bringing her forehead to rest against his own. He felt a deep sob from her that quickly got drown out in the rain. He heard her quiet whisper of 'thank you' against his lips while the cold wind cut through their damp bodies. They stood in silence, but in understanding.
John once said that he would do anything for her. He would not let that oath falter now, even if that 'anything' was the difficult task of waiting. Like Teyla, John had no other choice.
TBC.