Part 4

~*~

Naturally, the master healer wasn't surprised about the urinating pain that Jaythen was having. The filth he'd been forced to live in probably caused the infection. He hadn't tested for it previously though, which he now knew was a mistake on his part. But it was a problem that was easily solved with a strong antibiotic drug to kill the infection in a few days.

"When do you think I can take him home?"

"I hope soon. I know you can handle him. But he's twenty-four hour care right now. And I'm worried that the pain medications I'm giving him a night aren't keeping him deep enough anymore to keep the nightmares away. I think that's our next big problem. His body is healing. He's taking in nourishment, albeit slowly. But since his stomach seems fine, we'll get him started on some real food this evening. He'll appreciate that. With the body healing, the memories of the trauma become more pronounced, because the physical pain isn't enough to side track the mind. And we both know the emotional difficulty Jaythen has."

"What about Risha and Arun's trauma team? Would he do well to talk to them about this?"

"Not at the moment. Most of them are off planet now anyway. No given return date. And we only had moderate success with that type of therapy before. He just…he is what he is. There may not be a way around it."

"Maybe I should take him away from here for a while."

"That's a possibility, but for now, no. I want him where I can keep an eye and have access to him. His recovery from this will possibly decide his future as a Jedi. Yoda has already expressed his concern about Jaythen's ability to return to full duty."

I felt angry. Only two weeks removed from one of the most traumatic things a child could experience, and the council was already writing him off?

Terran felt the change in my mood and placed a comforting hand on my arm. "I think that's the council speaking as a whole. I get the feeling that Yoda feels more for Jaythen than they do. Don't worry about any of that. We're not even close to thinking about returning him to full duty. Focus on one step at a time. Anything else and it'll take him backwards."

I knew he was right. So I found my center and relaxed. "I think I need to meditate. Throw some of this into the force. I'll wait until he's asleep to leave him though."

The gray-haired healer nodded his approval and sent me on my way.

~*~

I kept certain information to myself. No need for Jaythen to worry about the future anymore than I needed to. He did smile when I told him that dinner would be real food though. No more fruit sauces and ice chips. The food was light and bland, but it was a start. He had a solid appetite, having not eaten solid food in some time. I never asked him what rations he'd been allowed to eat while being held. I only knew it wasn't much. Enough to keep him alive. I was happy to see him so eager to eat. He even asked for more and was permitted another small meal and a cup of sweetened water.

"Now those things are going to go right through you. So the second you think you might have to go, you tell me."

"It'll still hurt."

"Let the medicine work. You've had one dose. It'll take some time to kill the infection. You just let me know."

"I will."

And he did. Sure enough, thirty minutes later he got my attention and we maneuvered our way to the bathroom. Now began the balance of knowing when was the best time for meals, since he'd have to be up shortly after. Obviously late night snacks were out of the question. But as long as he had nourishment going in, I was pleased. The sight of the emaciated body under the hospital gown was something I would never forget.

Once back in bed, he looked at me but said nothing. His eyes were so tired. After several moments, I finally asked, "You all right?"

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Yes." Green eyes not leaving my face.

It's a strange feeling when two people hold direct eye contact for longer than a few seconds.

For Jaythen, it was like he was afraid to look away. I nudged him again. "Jaythen?"

He blinked several times and let out another breath. Hoarse voice lowered to a bare whisper, he said, "Thank you for finding me, Master."

I touched his temple to mine once again, but I had no words.

The simple physical touch was enough and a short time later he slept.

~*~

Two months now. Two months since we'd found Jaythen and started his recovery. There were more positives than negatives, but the negatives were troubling.

The positive was that physically, Jaythen's recovery was going quite well. The sensitivity to light was lessened. Only full-fledged sunlight caused any issue. He'd gained part of his weight back, but needed another ten of fifteen pounds on him to really look like his old self. His right arm - his good arm - was showing very little signs of any muscle or nerve trauma. He had full and complete use of the right. The left, the arm he'd lost most use in during our trip to Kembar Lune a little less than two years ago, was unchanged. Not a surprise and he'd come to terms with that at the time it happened. Walking was still an exercise in stamina. His legs had been slower to respond to therapy and treatment, but he was able to get around on his own, albeit at a more moderate pace than before. The healers were confident that in another month's time, that too would work itself out. Until then, simple things like getting out of bed, rising from a chair or just being on his feet for an extended period, were taxing. Jaythen managed though. And he never complained.

Fortunately, he was now unlimited in his diet. He could have anything and everything he wanted. Jaythen being Jaythen however was never a big eater, and his appetite didn't always fit what we had for a meal. Sometimes I got the feeling that he was just humoring me and eating so I would stop staring at him. That was him. And I was grateful to have at least part of my padawan back to way he used to be.

The negative side of things were two-fold. The nightmares that continued. and his complete avoidance of the force. The thought of even touching it was enough to unsettle him for several hours. Terran had assigned himself to working with Jaythen. The trauma team that specialized in the mental and emotional side of things were still off-planet and unavailable to help. To be honest, I'm not certain they could have helped. Unless we could get Jaythen comfortable with at least thinking about touching the force, we were going nowhere fast. And both Terran and I suspected that the whole fear of the force issue had a lot to do with the nightmares that plagued his sleep. More than likely the fears were interconnected and the resolution of one would probably mean the resolution of the other. But how to go about finding a resolution for either matter – therein was the dilemma.

That dilemma was compounded by the attack on Jaythen's mind that night. A nightmare of such intensity that all I could do to bring calm was to take him in my arms and hold him until the worst was done.

He curled himself into my chest and held on for dear life. Mumbling eventually formed words and after a few minutes I realized what he was saying. He repeated it several times, through his apprehensive whimpers. Then all at once his halted his rocking motion and he lay completely still against me. When he spoke, his voice was coated in fear as he said, "I don't think I can be a Jedi anymore, Master. I can't. Hurts too much. I can't. Please don't make me."

Had I not known Jaythen, the words would have shocked me. But knowing him; knowing his sufferings; knowing his past… I continued to hold him close, promising him that I wouldn't force him to do anything against will, and that we would talk about it soon. I didn't know what to say really. It was a situation that I hoped would never present itself, despite subtle signs from Jaythen to the contrary since we first bonded as master and apprentice.

I remembered Yoda's words two months ago about Jaythen having to make a decision. I knew at the time what that decision would involve. But I hadn't thought more about it until now.

For the first time in my life – regardless of the situation - I had no idea what to do.

~*~

I woke up on the couch in the common area of our apartment. I wasn't sure how I'd gotten here from the bedroom to the couch, but Jaythen was next to me, tucked into my arm. His head against my chest. A gentle snoring was a peaceful and welcomed sound.

But then a not so peaceful feeling came over me. I had to use the bathroom. It required a few minutes of maneuvering to climb off the couch without jumbling my apprentice too much. Once in the bathroom, the mirror over the sink basin stared back at me and I saw myself for the first time since this whole thing started. The dark circles under my eyes were telling enough, but my face looked thinner. I'd lost that strong, formidable appearance that is part of my proud Noma heritage.

I found a new appreciation for what Jaythen was going through. If I looked and felt like this, his experience must be ten times worse.

I washed my face before finishing up and wandered into Jaythen's bedroom. The quilt I was looking for was in a bundle on the bed. I shook it out as I retreated to the common area again, draping it lightly over my padawan who was on his left side curled into himself.

An intense need to meditate came over me, but was wary about leaving him alone after such a troubling night. At this point though, it couldn't be helped. I needed to get away. At least for a short time. My data pad was close. I typed in a quick message telling Jaythen where I would be should he wake and I left it on the table not a foot from his eyesight.. I also left my com on and placed his next to the data pad.

Precautions taken I hurried to the meditation gardens where it would be quiet this time of morning.

It was peaceful this early. The large floor-to-ceiling windows of the garden relishing in the warming sun of a new day. My usual spot was, as usual, not occupied. It took me only seconds to sink myself deep into the force.

~*~

Not typically me, I was groggy when I released from the force. So it took me a couple minutes to reorient myself. When I did, I found I had company. Qui-Gon. He was in a light trance of his own and opened his eyes when he felt my stare.

"I hope I'm not intruding, T'narr. Jaythen called Obi-Wan asking if I could check on you."

"That's okay. I left him a message though."

"You've been gone a long time. He was concerned."

"I only left quarters at…" I glanced out the window. The sun has ascended well past early morning light. "What time is it?"

"Close to lunch hour."

Startled, I unfolded my legs and tried to stand. "Five hours? I've been here for almost five hours?"

Putting a hand on my arm, he encouraged me to stay sitting. "Take your time. Jaythen is fine. I called Eryck and had he and Obi-Wan take lunch over to him. Marcus didn't mind Eryck taking an hour or so away from his lessons. I know Jaythen is probably still wary of stares from other Jedi in the dining hall, so I thought it best to go this route. I told Obi-Wan to relay the message that you are fine and in the meditation gardens. Your comlink is lying next to you. He probably called you, but you were too deep to hear it."

My shoulders fell in relief. "Thank you, Qui-Gon. I had no idea I - I thought I'd be an hour or two at the most."

"You must have needed the connection."

"I did. I have to be so careful around Jaythen where the force is involved, it appears I've neglected my own well being."

"I'd be glad to keep an eye on him when you need to get away. I know Terran and Marcus wouldn't mind either. Even Obi-Wan. Don't forget to seek out your friends when you need them."

"I appreciate it. His recovery is still ongoing. Physically, he's doing wonderfully. But he's still terrified of the force and those damn nightmares are not allowing him much peace." I paused for a moment, thinking of how much to tell Qui-Gon. He'd become a close friend in these last two years. I felt comfortable with him.

He asked before I could consider any further. "There's something else."

"He woke up in a horrible dream last night. Screaming and crying and…it took me an hour to get him settled. When I finally did, he just rocked back and forth, telling me that he couldn't be a Jedi anymore because it was too painful. And I'm confident this wasn't just the panic talking. This has been simmering for sometime, even before his abduction."

Qui-Gon didn't seem thrown by what he'd been told and offered his advice on the subject quickly. "You need to talk to Yoda, alone. Not the council. Yoda will at least listen to reason. The rest of them…who knows what they might do with him or where they might send him. The agricorps is a strong possibility."

I shook my head trying not to think about Jaythen being put into the uncaring hands of the council, where he'd lose touch with those he knew and loved. It wouldn't happen, not while I was still breathing. "He's a good boy, Qui-Gon. He doesn't deserve that and I won't allow it." I caught my breath. Talking about these possibilities was harder than I never thought it could be. And Jaythen wasn't even in the room. I closed my eyes, feeling the water welling there.

"And that's why you have to play this the right way. Keep Terran involved. He can attest to Jaythen's emotional state of mind. There is however, no easy answer to any of this. If Jaythen wants to leave…"

I knew where he was going and finished his thought. "That means leaving me. He'd never do that. Especially not in the state he's in now." My head fell into my hands, my knees pulled to my chest. This hurt just thinking about it. It was several minutes before I said painfully, "I don't know what to do, Qui-Gon."

To his credit, Qui-Gon didn't sugar-coat the issue as he thought more deeply about the consequences. "If Jaythen doesn't improve and remains unstable the council will never allow one so uneven out of their hands. Not even to the agricorps. It would be too easy for him to be taken advantage of by anyone who could work to find his trust. The power they would have over him would be immense. They could use him for whatever they wished."

I knew exactly what he meant. An enemy of the Jedi or even worse, one who found his or her power from the dark side of the force could manipulate my padawan and turn him into their puppet.

"But if he does improve…"

"The agricorps would probably be the answer."

My head came up and I took a long drawn breath. "There's another option. I could leave the Jedi and take him with me."

"They'd never let you leave, T'narr. Not with your abilities."

"Something has to give, Qui-Gon. I'm not going to let Jaythen fall into oblivion. I promised him that I would look after him as long as I could. The Jedi can take children from their parents when they are very young. I'll be damned if they're going to take him away from me when he needs me the most." The words came out with more force and anger than I meant. I tossed a hopeless glace in Qui-Gon's direction to apologize.

"No need, T'narr. If you need someone on your side, I'm here. You don't have to convince me what's best for Jaythen. It's obvious to anyone who has seen you both together. Obi-Wan, Marcus, Eryck, Terran. You have a small army of friends on your side. But accept this from one who has taken on the council more than once - deal only with Yoda unless you have absolutely no other choice."

I knew he was right. Qui-Gon's clashes with the council were legendary. It was best in this case to listen to experience over my emotional hopes.

He helped me up and walked me to my quarters. Upon entering, I saw no sign of any padawans – there should have been three – and I heard a horrible retching sound coming from the bathroom. Hurrying in, I found Jaythen on his knees, bent over the toilet depositing the lunch that his friends had brought him. Obi-Wan was on his right holding him steady. Eryck was on his left bathing his face with a damp cloth.

Qui-Gon spoke quietly to get his learner's attention. They weren't aware of our presence being so preoccupied with helping their friend. "Obi-Wan, what's happened?"

The older padawan's head bounced up and he looked back. Eryck took over supporting Jaythen's weight so Obi-Wan could talk to us.

"He ate most of the lunch we brought. We talked some, even laughed. Then got really quiet, started holding his stomach and asked me if I could help him hurry to the bathroom. He's been here ever since. This started about twenty minutes ago. We were going to call you, Master T'narr, but he's been really sick and we didn't want to leave him even for a few minutes."

I put an appreciative hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder before leaning down to Jaythen's level, placing gentle pressure on his back. "Jaythen." His shoulders fell and he collapsed backwards, pushing me off balance and onto my backside. He lay against my chest, breathing heavy - his thin body shivering.

I heard Qui-Gon whisper something to Obi-Wan, and then saw the older apprentice hurry out. Five minutes later he returned with a cup of something and handed it to me. Qui-Gon saw the confusion in my eyes and explained. "It'll help settle his stomach." At this point I had no reason

to question Qui-Gon. I stopped Jaythen's teeth from chattering long enough to get several sips of the thick orange liquid down him. Another vanishing act from Obi-Wan and this time he returned with a quilt from the couch and draped it over us. Qui-Gon then ushered everyone out of the bathroom so I could devote my complete attention to my apprentice.

Using the force would have made the next task easier, but that wasn't an option. So using one hand, I scooted myself back to lean against the wall. My other hand held snuggly around Jaythen's chest to bring him along. When we stopped, he leaned his head back, cloudy green eyes looking up into mine. "Sorry, Master."

"It's all right. Sip a little more of this orange liquid stuff that Obi-Wan brought." He did then lay his head back again. "Did you feel sick last night?"

"No. Before lunch, a little. After lunch, a lot."

I tried unsuccessfully to stifle a half laugh at the way Jaythen said that. Always honest. "We all have our moments, don't we? I think the anxieties and stress of last night didn't play nice with your lunch." He shook his head against me. "Was lunch tasty at least?"

"Very. I shouldn't have eaten two of the pala cream cakes though. But they were so tempting."

"Not anymore."

"No."

We sat that way for several moments more, until I was confident that he was past the vomiting stage. Carefully I stood, bringing him with me, cradled in my arms. We moved past our friends in the common area and I deposited Jaythen into his bed. "Rest for a short time." I put a hand on his forehead. Slightly chilled. No sign of fever though. That was good. No sickness, just anxiety. Which of course was bad enough, but I didn't need him to be sick on top of everything else.

When I returned to the common area, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Eryck were standing near the door. I thanked the two padawans for their support of Jaythen, even in the worst of times. I wish I could tell them how much their friendship meant to both myself and to Jaythen. They left grateful to know that Jaythen was resting. Qui-Gon stayed a bit longer at my request. He, Obi-Wan and the rest of the investigation team had returned from an extended examination of the planet and area where Jaythen had been taken and held captive. Although I'd forgotten until Qui-Gon showed up next to me in the meditation gardens. They'd been back on Coruscant less than two days. I just hadn't had a chance to speak with any of them until now.

Sensing that I wanted to talk again, Qui-Gon sat in the corner chair and waited for me to start.

"Despite all the excitement of today, Qu-Gon, I actually meant to track you down. How did the investigation go?"

"Not as successful as we would have liked. We did locate a few clues and pieces of evidence, but no sign of the offenders. A few claim to have seen people matching the descriptions, but if they knew anything further, we couldn't convince it out of them, either by the force or by bribery. We did identify that other boy and found out that he was a former Jedi apprentice who had been moved to the agricorps a year ago. His name was Darrus Vareen. We brought his body home to rest in the force. He was Master Mayder's learner. When Mayder was killed, the boy, eleven at the time, decided he'd rather go to the agricorps than train with a new master. How they got to him, we don't know. And are they preying only on Jedi apprentice's, we also don't know. For now, the planets surrounding that one, should there be any Jedi sent for missions, they will not involve any young ones. The council will only send experienced teams anywhere near that planet until we find those who did this."

I nodded. "For the best. No child, Jedi or not, should have to suffer that fate. Any sign of Jaythen's robe or light saber?"

"A few random shreds of this and that. What appears to be part of a Jedi robe. Nothing substantial." Qui-Gon made an "Oh!" face and reached into a side belt pouch. "I did however, find this." Holding his fisted hand, he dropped something into my open palm. A stone. More precisely, Jaythen's blue moon stone. I sense of relief flowed through me. The one thing that Jaythen was so upset to have lost had been found. I took Qui-Gon's hand in my own and squeezed it tight. "You don't know what this will mean to him. Thank you. He's been so worried that he'd never seen it again."

"It was fortunate we stumbled on it. It wasn't in that basement room where we found him. It was in an upstairs room tossed into a random pile of non-treasures. I suppose when they strip their victims they take what's valuable and what's not. This was buried in that pile. Obi-Wan found it after double checking the items for anything of use. He cleaned it up so it shines again and holds no feel or smell of where it was found."

I started smiling and kept on smiling, staring at the small rock in my hand. Such brilliant varying shades of blue all melding so perfectly. Perhaps this would help to bring Jaythen out of the gloom he'd been falling into during this latter part of his recovery. Little sleep. Nights plagued by dreams. The feeling that he would never again be able to feel the force without being terrified. It had been wearing on him mentally. Terran was worried he was slipping into a depression, but saw enough spark at times to think that he might be able to keep himself out of it. This could help. This tiny trinket was one of Jaythen's most treasured possessions. I know he'd felt an emptiness without it.

Qui-Gon got up. "I should go. We'll be going over the evidence. Kaai will be one of the leads in looking at what we found. I'm sure if he finds anything, you'll be the first to know. But Obi-Wan and I will be part of that. These people are too dangerous to just leave them be. We'll find them. Eventually. Let me know if you need anything."

We grasped hands for a moment and I thanked him for everything. Then I hurried to wake Jaythen.

He'd managed to drift off while Qui-Gon and I were talking. I felt a tinge of guilt in waking him, but I had a good reason. The initial grogginess gave me the opportunity to press the moon stone into his right hand and then curl his fingers around it. His eyes fluttered open and his thumb found the smooth surface of the rock and began moving over it. Eventually it got his attention enough that he came around to full consciousness.

Looking down as his hand, he opened his palm. At first he just stared at the small object, as if unbelieving that it was there. Then his green eyes met mine. His were watery. Mine soon followed.

"Master, what…where did you find this?"

"Qui-Gon gave it to me. He says Obi-Wan found it when they were on the planet where you were abducted. It was tossed aside in a pile of stuff that they left behind. It's back home now."

He closed his hand around it. I closed my hand around his. Neither of us tried to hide the emotions we felt. "Now you can sleep."

"Don't want to." To my surprise, he started moving out of his bed. Having to steady himself from a brief bought of dizziness, he hobbled into the common area and sat down. I was puzzled but followed. He sat quietly. Hands clasped on his lap. The stone secured and safe. "Master, I want to try."

I sat across from him. "Try what?"

"I'm tired of feeling like this. I feel so bad all the time. Tired and sad. I want to be better, even if I can't continue to be a Jedi."

"We haven't talked about yet, Padawan. And there is a lot to talk about. Perhaps some things you may not have thought of. I know how badly you've been feeling. You want to try and feel better?"

"Yes, Master. And I have to stop being so scared if I want to try it."

I knew what he was aiming at now. "You want to try and touch the force?"

He nodded nervously. "I'm scared of trying. I'm scared of touching it. But I have to try right?"

"At some point, yes."

"Now. I have to try now."

The return of the moon stone seemed to have inspired him momentarily. It was an opportunity that I needed to take advantage of. But more important, it was an opportunity that I needed to not mess up. I reached back to several talks I'd had with Terran about when this moment came. He suggested strongly that Jaythen not be the one to reach out. But that I try and touch his mind first. If he could accept the touch, then perhaps he could offer it.

"Jaythen, come with me." I got up and walked to our balcony. It wasn't large, but it served its purpose. It was comfortable. It was relaxing. I sat in a chair and instructed my apprentice to sit on the floor in front of me.

"Master, what are we doing?"

"Preparing. I don't want you reaching out. I want you to relax everything." I put my hands on his shoulders and gave a gentle rub. "Let me do the work."

"But I can't see you. What if I don't know…"

"Hush. Don't worry. I won't hurt you. You trust me, right?"

"Always, Master."

"Then trust me with this. I will touch my mind to yours with the force. Just briefly. Don't reach back. Concentrate on me. Don't focus on the fear. Don't focus on the pain that the force caused. Don't remember that collar. Just me. Relax your shoulders now." He did after a moment. "Good." Playfully to try and break the tension a little, I ruffled his hair. I could feel him smile. "Still need to get this cut, don't we? I keep saying that. Oh well, worry about that later. Just steer clear of Yoda is all." I felt him hide a laugh. Now was the time.

Both hands on his shoulders again, I closed my eyes and gently reached for the force. I found it easily enough. Under my hands I could feel tension building. My mind went to Jaythen's and I conveyed one word through our bond. **Nayeli** It was a word that he would know was from me, and not from any nightmare or evil memory. In the Noma language of my people. In standard it means simply - I love you.

I withdrew from his mind immediately after and felt him physically under my hands battling his demons. His breathing became short and shallow, every breath a mêlée of emotion. Momentarily he had control. Then it was lost as he began shaking all over, crunching his knees to his chest and beginning that rocking motion from the night before. I moved from the chair and knelt behind him, draping my arms around him and laying them across his chest, holding him safely.

The rocking slowed. The shaking lessened. His breathing began to even.

When he finally settled against me, he drew up an uncoordinated hand to wipe his face. "M'okay, Master. When you touched, all the bad images came back to me. Everything they did, everything I felt."

"But this time, nothing bad happened to you."

"No. This time you were there, just like I imagined when I was locked in that place. Thinking about you made me feel better, even for a few seconds. I would open my eyes though and you weren't there. They were. Then they would hurt me again."

"Not anymore." I hugged him to me.

"I'm safe with you, Master. You won't hurt me like they did. I have to remember that when the force scares me so badly. You'll be there when I open my eyes and the nightmare ends."

"Always."

Jaythen, his back against my chest, reached his right hand to his heart and tapped twice again. Then he surprised me. "Can we try again, Master?"

"We can when you are ready."

"I'm ready," he said to me as he released a deep breath.

We repeated the same ritual four more times in the next hour. Each time, Jaythen's reaction was a little less dramatic and his recovery time shorter. It was progress. I was pleased. I think he was too. Happy with himself for the first time in a long time.

And as the next week progressed, he was to the point where his only reaction was a mild flinch when I initially touched his mind. One giant step forward. The next step would be for him to reach back. It was that – the attempt to call on the force – that caused him such anguish during the two months of capture. Now that that threat was no longer, he had to get his mind to accept that safety.

~*~

Tbc…