Disclaimer- The fabulous characters of my story belong to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer and come from her Twilight series.
She stood at the entrance, finding herself unable to go in. She had never gone and looked. She had never been back here. It seemed like just a small blip on the screen of a life she didn't really know.
She walked through slowly and looked around, searching for the name. And finally she came to it. She stood in front of the stone and let her mind take in the information. Information that she didn't really want to take in, that she didn't want to accept.
That what had happened to her had killed him. He had died less than a year after she was gone. Her Charlie, who was a vague memory, one she could pull up but never fully focus on. She remembered for the most part what he had looked like. She had vague memories of fishing and sports. But they were dull, and never held strongly in her mind.
But she did remember she had loved him. She remembered that he had loved her. And that one moment had ripped him out of her life forever.
It was a strange kind of irony that she had wanted so desperately to be changed, that she felt it was the only life for her, the only life she wanted. And that when she was it ripped away the only chance of a life she had.
As dull as her memories of human life had become, there was one that never, ever faded. Edward. Her mind held desperately to him, a vivid color in her mind that was surrounded by gray. She didn't remember many things clearly. But she remembered him perfectly. She could close her eyes and still paint a perfect picture of his face. She could smell him, taste him on her lips. She could imagine the touch of his skin, the feel of his lips on hers. She remembered the soft velvet voice, and the shivers he sent down her.
It was a terrible kind of torture, that the only thing she could see or remember clearly was the one who had brought this all on. She had wanted to be changed only to be with Edward. She had wanted eternity, but only if it included him. And then he had left her, he had told her he didn't want her; not for eternity, and not for the moment. And he had destroyed the only world she could have ever imagined having.
The only memory she had besides Edward that was somewhat clear was Jacob. Her sun; her precious friend who had come and picked up the pieces of her shattered heart, her shattered life. Other than Edward, he had been the most important thing in her life. And before she had been changed she was starting to realize a few things. She remembered thinking she could be with Jacob. That she might never be whole or complete with him, but that she could be something with him. That even though she was full of broken pieces that she might be able to let him come into her heart, let him hold together what he could. She knew she could've loved him, not like she loved Edward, but still enough to make a relationship, a life with him. And that, like everything else, had been ripped away from her. Her mind went back to the day she had relived over and over again. The one memory, besides those of Edward, that for some reason was crystal clear.
She remembered being at home, being so frustrated that she had to be constantly watched and babysat, that she was putting the entire pack in danger. She remembered that she hadn't wanted them to fight Victoria, but that they were determined to kill her. So there was always someone there, someone watching. She remembered it wasn't Jacob watching when it happened, that someone else had taken over so he could get some sleep. She remembered being in the kitchen pacing back and forth. She had been thinking of Jacob, thinking about just letting herself go, letting herself be with him and have something; not exactly what she wanted, but something that could make her relatively happy.
She remembered turning to pace the other way; and there stood Victoria, her hair wild, her eyes wide and anxious. She stopped abruptly, her breath catching in her throat. Every minute detail from that point on stuck in her mind like glue. She remembered Victoria's laugh, the high, shrill sound. She remembered not moving a muscle, not saying a word, just staring. And praying that Jacob would come. He was the first thing she thought of, just please let him come, she had said over and over in her mind.
"This was bound to happen," Victoria had said laughingly. Bella had just stared, not moving, not speaking.
"I'm not going to waste any time with small talk," she had practically growled. And she had launched herself across the small kitchen and grabbed her hair. Bella was fairly sure she had cried out, but she knew it wasn't a considerable sound. And when Victoria's teeth had sunk into her throat she had choked out one single word.
Inevitable.
Victoria getting to her, her last threads of some kind of life being torn away; and her changing. Because she knew something was going to happen and she wasn't going to die. Not die and be put in the ground at least. It had all been inevitable. She didn't even scream. She knew what was happening, and she didn't scream.
And then the thing she knew would happen did. There was no sound until the door burst open and loud growls echoed through the house. She remembered being let go of and falling to the floor. She remembered a lot of growling, and then shrieking. She remembered Sam grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming her name. She remembered looking at him with a blank stare. And she had mumbled Jacob's name. Then the screaming started. She cried out as the burning began, her body slowly being consumed by it. She remembered someone getting on the phone and calling Jacob, and it seemed like an eternity before he was standing over her, picking her up in his arms and crying out.
She remembered him running with her. She could hear him crying, and she was screaming in agony. She remembered running for a long time before being set on the ground. He laid her out flat and put his face close to hers. And he told her he would love her forever. He told her he was sorry he couldn't protect her. And she remembered choking out that she loved him before he disappeared forever.
The days she changed were just a blur of pain. She lay there on the ground alone, screaming over and over again. And when it was done she sat up to find herself in the mountains somewhere. Jacob had run far with her.
She remembered how different her whole body felt. It felt foreign. Everything was intensified. Every sound was amplified, everything she saw was vivid and clear. And the burning. She remembered swallowing over and over trying to squelch the feeling at the back of her throat. It hadn't taken her long to figure out it was the thirst. It hadn't taken her long to hunt either. The first animal she came across was drained in mere seconds. And every animal she came across after that.
She had stayed in those mountains for days, not knowing where to go. She remembered hearing how dangerous new vampires were to humans in the beginning. She didn't want to take the risk of hurting anyone. So she had stayed there, trying to figure out what she would do. And after a lot of thinking she went to the only place that made sense to her. She went to their house. Where there would be no humans, no nothing. And she had stayed there for a long, long time. Years. All she did was hunt and think. She thought about how everything had been taken away, she thought about what she would do with this now. What her life would be.
But it hadn't taken long to answer that; she would be alone. There was no other option. It tore at her that she was now what she had wanted to be, to be with Edward. But he hadn't wanted her anymore. And when she had tried to make some kind of life without him that was taken too. She had absolutely nothing left. She remembered the stabbing, tearing pain she had felt when Edward left her, how alone she felt. And then she looked around at their empty house, at herself, and realized that while Edward had taken such a large part of her away, she hadn't been completely alone. But now she was. She smiled bitterly the first time she looked in the mirror at her flawless features, her burgundy eyes. The first time she consciously thought of herself moving and saw how much grace she now had. Because there was no point to it. What was she supposed to do with an eternity alone?
Eventually she had ventured out to where humans were. Not Forks; she knew that was too risky. But she had gone somewhere else, another town in Washington. The first time she had caught scent of a human had been hard, very hard, but she had fed well, and had been a vampire for a couple years at that point. As time went by she found it wasn't hard for her to adapt to it. And she had begun to carve out an existence similar to what the Cullen's had, with forged papers and endless schools. Money had been an issue at first. She wasn't proud of the fact that she had stolen. She knew she didn't really need a place to live, that she could survive outdoors if she had to, but she didn't want that life. She wanted some semblance of normal. Eventually it had been easy to find night jobs in warehouses and such to make money. And as she went to different towns she learned how to find the people she needed to create the papers she would need.
She never used Bella Swan. Because she wasn't Bella Swan. She was this empty thing in a shell that was Bella Swan's body. Bella Swan wasn't someone she knew anymore. She knew no one. She didn't know herself, who she was. She only knew she wasn't Bella anymore; so she chose different names.
And just like the Cullen's those first days she had seen them in school, she avoided everyone. There must have been something in her face that automatically told people she wasn't interested in any kind of interaction, because they rarely tried. When they did she tried politely to show she wasn't interested, and one time was all it took. She didn't even know how many times she had been through high school now. She had never tried college. It was just easy to do high school over and over; in college she might have to pay attention and learn something new.
She had always stayed close to Forks, usually in towns in Washington. It was easier than she thought it would be. Papers were never hard to get, and after awhile the days began to bleed together until years went by unnoticed.
But just like her human life had been, her mind was constantly on Edward. Sometimes memories they had together, and sometimes just wondering where he was and what he had done. She never looked for him, never even attempted to. Because Bella Swan was with Edward. And she was not Bella Swan. Her memories of him lingered like a movie playing. She was watching two people together. But neither of those people was her; at least not who she was now.
She tried to hate him. She looked at her life, her human life, what had happened to her, and she tried to hate him for it. But she couldn't. She was plenty bitter, but she couldn't hate him. Her life was full of indifference. She felt nothing. Not anymore at least. Plenty of years had been spent angry, plenty had been spent sad, and resentful. And now they were spent indifferent.
She had gone back and forth on the decision to come to Forks. One day it had just popped into her mind. And as much as she had tried to fight it back, it would not go. Something was just telling her it was time to go back. And it had been so many years, she knew it was alright now. So she had gotten all the papers she would need, found a night job in Port Angeles, and a crummy little room to rent in Forks, where there weren't many. And now, tomorrow, she would walk into Forks High, into the place that had set her life on this course.
She moved over to the headstone next to Charlie's and just stared at it for a long time. A headstone with no body underneath. She imagined her parents standing there so many years ago, crying over a daughter that they didn't even know what had happened to. That brought her pain.
She read the name over and over again. Isabella Marie Swan. Bella Swan. Bella.
She was not Bella. And Bella wouldn't be walking into that school tomorrow.