Firstly, thanks to the awesome let1986 for betareading my work and correcting my awful spelling :p
Secondly, I've said this before, but for frack's sake, if m/m peodophile rape makes you squeamish, then don't read.
Jack was checking his patient´s vitals when he realized Evan Fallon was shaking with sobs he was trying to conceal. He was on his side, his back facing Jack. ¨Mate, you OK?¨ he asked, that stupid question people always ask when someone is quite obviously not OK.
¨Go away,¨ Evan said.
Jack pulled up the chair next to the bed. He had no intention of going away. He had been back in the ED about four months now and honed his skills for working through a patient´s personal as well as medical problems. So many of their health issues stemmed at least in some part from personal issues. ¨You wanna talk?¨ he asked.
¨You wouldn´t have the first clue of what I´m going through.¨
¨Try me,¨ Jack said gently. It couldn´t possibly be worse than having to admit at age twenty-one, he´d been so ashamed of being a virgin that he´d gone to a prostitute.
Evan turned around violently to face Jack, his face streaked with tears. ¨You wouldn´t know how I feel, I bet you´d been with more women by the time you were my age that I ever will.¨
Evan´s insight momentarily stunned Jack and he wondered if the younger man was just lashing out or there was something about him that he wore his sexuality around him as obviously as a high-visibility vest. He wouldn´t have been the first victim of sexual abuse who did. I am straight. See how many women I´ve slept with? ¨You´re probably right,¨ Jack admitted. He´d been in the dozens by twenty-one, something a lot of men didn´t achieve and something a man as introspective as Evan probably wouldn´t. ¨Don´t think it´s made me any happier for it.¨
There was a tone in Jack´s voice that made Evan stop crying. ¨I don´t understand.¨
¨You´re right, there´ve been a lot of women,¨ Jack admitted. ¨Several dozen in the last three years.¨ Ever since Charlotte had miscarried. ¨And only two I really cared about and neither of them cared about me the way I wanted them to. People place so much value on men clocking up this massive score card when in truth, I´d trade it for a few decent relationships.¨
¨You´re making that up.¨
"I am not. People place far too much value on this idea that men should be all macho and out there raking up notches on the bedpost. My housemate is a huge gaming geek and has slept with about five women and he's engaged to this gorgeous, amazing woman and the two of them are so disgustingly happy I could puke. I´d trade all the women I´ve been with for that in a heartbeat if I could. And this girl you were telling me about sounds pretty special."
Evan closed his eyes and smiled. ¨Yeah, she is,¨ he said.
Jack knew given any encouragement Evan would start talking about her and not stop. And Jack was not in the mood to deal with someone else disgustingly in love. Dan was bad enough. ¨Look, I made a few calls and I´ve been told this guy is really good with people who have sexual repression.¨ One good think about having to be put through the emotional wringer with one of the country´s best sexual trauma psychiatrists was that she had been able to reel of a list of them who specialized in men like Evan.
¨A shrink, you mean? I don´t need a shrink.¨
¨Tell you what, I´ll do you a deal. You at least talk to him and I´ll give you some tips about sex.¨
Evan looked at him warily. He was sure Jack knew a lot and he needed all the advice he could get. Reluctantly, he agreed. ¨OK, first tip. For the love of God, unless you know them and trust them, use a condom. You´re playing Russian roulette and while the odds might be in your favour, when you luck out, the consequences can be catastrophic.¨
Gabrielle overheard the conversation, impressed. She never would have thought someone like Jack could relate to someone like Evan, and yet, his explanation made perfect sense. Sleeping around didn´t make him happy and she wondered if it had ever made anyone happy - it certainly hadn´t worked for Steve. And Dan and Ricki were so disgustingly happy that sometimes you wanted to puke.
She passed Jack in the carpark a few hours later, leaning on the edge of his bonnet. ¨I know you love your job, Jack, but hanging around in the carpark is a bit much, don´t you think?¨ she asked teasingly.
¨Funny. I´m waiting for Caroline. She doesn´t have a car and I drive her home when I can, I don´t like her going home by herself.¨
Typical Jack. ¨You did really well with Evan,¨ she said admiringly. ¨Getting him to see a shrink was a great idea.¨
Jack shrugged. ¨He´s fundamentally a good person, just not confident about himself sexually.¨
¨Did you mean what you said, about it not having made you happy?¨ she asked.
¨Yeah. I didn´t realize it at the time but I was just screwing around and had nothing meaningful in my life. I think the kid´ll be happy with this girl of his if he can get over his insecurity. It´s nothing to be ashamed of and I wish someone had tried to make me understand that instead of encouraging me. God, too many people think it´s the mark of a man, how many women he´s been with when I´d give anything to have what Dan and Ricki have.¨
¨Speaking of which-¨ Like everyone, she was secretly dying to know if he and Caroline were sleeping together. But Jack never talked about her unless she came to Cougars with them and then it was obvious they were a couple. It had been over two months now which had to be a personal record for Jack, but all Dan had managed to work out was that Jack never spent the whole night out when Dan was home. Of course, Jack could just be waiting for Dan to have a night shift just to delight in outsmarting him. Dan was half-convinced Jack would do such a thing.
¨We're not sleeping together but don´t tell Dan that. I´m thoroughly enjoying making him guess.¨
Gabrielle laughed. Dan really was a compulsive gossip. ¨Is that you´re choice or hers?¨ she asked.
¨Hers. I think she´s a bit reluctant to make that kind of commitment to me, given I don´t exactly have a great track record when it comes to the women I sleep with.¨¨
¨She should trust you more. It´s been, what, two months?¨
Jack shrugged. ¨I don´t mind. I guess I could seduce her if I wanted but I want her to be comfortable with it. I don´t want to fuck this up.¨
¨You won´t, you care about her too much. Everyone can see that.¨
They chatted a little while longer before Caroline came out. They said their goodbyes and impulsively, Jack hugged her. He liked that she had faith in him and his ability to do the right thing by Caroline. He liked that she´d complimented him on his dealings with Evan.
¨Hey, you,¨ he greeted her warmly. He went to hug her, and she pulled away after a second. ¨What´s up?¨
¨I can smell her on you.¨
¨Uh, yeah, that would be 'cos I just hugged her.¨
¨You´re always talking about her.¨
¨I am not!¨
¨Yes, you are. Whenever I ask you about work, it´s always Gabby this and Gabby that. And you never tell me what you´re always talking about.¨
¨That´s ´cos it´s mostly work stuff and I can´t talk to you about that, it´s against confidentiality. And I respect her a lot as a nurse and a mate.¨
¨A mate who´s slept in your arms.¨
¨If I´d known you were going to throw that in my face I´d never have told you. Get in the car, I´ll take you home.¨ Jack´s tone told her he had no intention of lingering once he dropped her off.
¨I didn´t peg you as the jealous type,¨ he said quietly after an awkward silence that seemed to go on forever.
¨I´m not jealous.¨
¨Yes, you are. Why else would you be upset when I hug a mate? It´s not like there´s ever been anything between us.¨
¨Really? She´d be the only one in this goddamn hospital then.¨
¨That´s not fair.¨
She knew it wasn´t, but she was too upset over the latest round of gossip she´d overheard to care. ¨You know what´s not fair, Jack? When people are surprised that we´re still together. When they make these sleazy little innuendoes that I must be a saint to put up with you being so pally with an ex and babysitting her son. When guys hit on me ´cos they figure I must be great in bed for you to still be with me.¨
¨Who´s hit on you?¨ he asked. Jack was known for being territorial about his girlfriends and saw someone hitting on them as a disrespect to both him and his relationship.
¨It doesn´t matter, they leave me alone when I tell them you don´t like it. And that´s not the worst. They say - I´ve heard people say you must be still playing around.¨
¨And you´re stupid enough to listen to them?¨ Jack hadn´t meant to call her stupid, but he was deeply offended she thought so little of him even to bring it up. He´d never cheated in his life. ¨And besides, in order to cheat on you, I´d have to be sleeping with you.¨ It was a childish point and one without a lot of merit but he thought it was hypocritical of her to accuse him of cheating when she held him at arm´s length whenever he tried to get her bra off.
¨I can´t believe you just equated a relationship with sex!¨
¨I can´t believe you´d ever think I was cheating on you!¨ He´d told her about his dad and step-mum and how he never wanted to put someone through that kind of grief. ¨I´m in love with you, I wouldn´t do that to you.¨
¨You´re in love with me?¨ she whispered, almost reverently, her anger forgotten.
¨Why d'you think I´ve stuck around this long? I´ve never waited this long for someone,¨ he added quietly.
¨Oh, God, Jack... I knew you liked me, but not that you were in love with me. God... I´m so sorry. I didn´t mean anything I said. I just get so angry when people talk about us... it´s like being Brangelina only without all the money.¨
¨What´s a Brangelina?¨
She often forgot he had next to no knowledge of popular culture. ¨It doesn't matter. ¨ She realized this was why she´d held out on him, scared to make a commitment to someone known for his complete lack of commitment. She leaned over and squeezed his thigh suggestively. ¨Why don´t you stay a while when we get home?
That heady combination of the familiar and the strange. Familiar, because all women had the same anatomy and strange because they all had their own subtleties. he softness of her breasts under his hands, the hardness of her nipples. The taste of her skin. Her panting as she became breathless. Her legs wrapped around his waist, her nails on his skin when her hands weren´t running down his back. Her warm wetness and the way she raised her hips to meet his, the way her whimpers became increasingly frantic as he brought her to orgasm, the way she clung to him while she was coming and afterwards until he had to ask her to let him go or the condom might slip off. She let him go reluctantly and cuddled up to him straight after. ¨I knew you´d be good,¨ she purred. ¨How was it?¨
¨Nice.¨
She frowned. No girl - or guy for that matter - wanted to hear ´nice´ after sex. She poked him gently. ¨Surely you can do better than that.¨
¨I´m sorry, I wasn´t saying you were bad or anything. I´ve never dated a woman for this long and it´s nice to really know someone like this. That´s the best I can do at explaining.¨
It was a good enough answer for her. She cuddled up closer and fell asleep.
He lay awake for a while longer, thinking. It hadn´t been the most amazing sex ever - that particular honour went to Deanna. But then, he had never really been sure if it had been able him or just getting him hooked on her. Truth be told, it had been a while since he´d had truly amazing sex.
With Caroline, it had been nice because he was in love with her. He could never explain that it had been nice because it felt untarnished. But that´s what it had been. If he could have chosen his first time, it would have been something like this. A little passion but more about respect and affection.
Was he wrong in thinking this? Should he consider himself lucky that he was able to have 'nice', loving sex, not the tarnished fucking that left him feeling a bit dirty afterwards that had become his trademark? He knew he should be grateful. But somehow, he wanted more than that.
He wanted the passion he´d had with Deanna and the feeling of being in love that - well, that he´d had with Deanna. Caroline murmured in her sleep and Jack realized he´d tightened his grip around her, remembering, still, how humiliated he´d felt to find out about her deception. With the inroads Karen had made into his ability to recognize his destructive patterns of behaviour, he wondered if her deception had anything to do with his disinclination towards emotional intimacy.
Oh, boy would Karen have a field day with that thought
¨Jack didn´t come home last night,¨ Dan gleefully informed Erica from across the main area of the ED. He knew he should have waited until he didn´t have to talk over such a distance but it really was too good to keep to himself. ¨And he came home looking pretty exhausted. And he had scratches all down his back. I thought pathologists were meant to keep their nails short, like the rest of us.¨
¨Did he say anything?¨Like Dan, Erica knew they shouldn´t gossip so openly, but this was really too good not to gossip about. Jack´s private life had been too long a subject of public interest and the gossip vine was abuzz about his public relationship with Caroline and whether or not they had done the deed.
¨Course not. But I live with the guy, I know when he gets laid. About bloody time, too. I don´t think it´s natural for him to go so long without getting laid. Wonder what he had to do to get her to agree.¨
News spread quickly and by the time Dan was ready to knock off for the day Jack came storming in. ¨You, come with me. You are going to publicly announce to the entire pathology that you are a compulsive gossip and have an extraordinary interest in my sex life given you´re an engaged straight man.¨
Dan visibly paled under the heat of Jack´s anger. Caroline had called him, alternating between tears and threats of breaking up with him after someone had spread it all about the hospital that she had put out for the biggest womanizer on hospital staff. It didn´t take a genius to figure out who the leak was. Jack was furious. Not only had Dan upset his girlfriend but he´d blabbed about Jack´s private life, which Jack hated. He could usually tolerate it, understood Dan was a gossip, it was who he was, but this was too much. ¨Mate, it was just a joke,¨ he stammered.
¨Come, now, or the next joke is the best story Bec can come up with about your gay tendencies.¨ Rebecca wrote awful, Virginia Andrews-type stories for a pastime.
¨You wouldn´t dare.¨
¨You´d be surprised what I´d dare when someone makes my girlfriend cry.¨ Dan suddenly remembered how aggressive Jack had been with Rachel when he´d found out Rachel hadn´t passed on a message from Rebecca and made her panic with worry. Jack got like that with any woman he cared about, and unfortunately Dan had made the mistake of not including Caroline in with what he and Erica joking referred to as ´Jack´s blond mafia´ - Rebecca, Charlotte and Cate, women he cared for deeply and would do anything to protect. If Jack had been willing to hit a girl a fair bit smaller than him over one of ´his girls´ then he wouldn´t think twice about hitting Dan. And Gabrielle probably wouldn't intervene like she had with Rachel. He could see Gabrielle glaring at him right now.
¨OK, I´m coming,¨ he said in a small voice, aware that Jack had probably already typed up an elaborate and very damning confession. And probably already had his camera phone switched to ´film´. But it was better than being decked. Or being labeled as gay. He knew living with Jack that once you got a bad sexual reputation, it never really went away.
Besides, he did kind of deserve it.
¨Sorry, Gabby,¨ Jack apologized to her later when he was done humiliated Dan as thoroughly as he felt Caroline had been humiliated. ¨I keep blowing up at your staff. But - Christ, someone called her a whore. And if Dan had just kept his bloody trap shut-¨
¨It´s OK. I had a casual chat with my staff and even Rachel agrees Dan was way out of line. When someone on the receiving end on your temper doesn´t even have sympathy, I think that makes you in the right.¨
She´d had a weird day. She and Steve had dealt with a patient who´d awoken after several years from a coma only to not recognize his own wife. They had talked her into sticking by him despite the rejection she had felt, and eventually, he had remembered small details. It made her uncomfortable to be so close to Steve, to really connect with him - and to know that line couldn´t be crossed. He wouldn´t be fit for a relationship for at least another six months, and she knew she would always doubt his ability to be faithful. Then he´d handed her a flower that he´d been given as a ´gift´. Who the hell gave such gifts to their ex-girlfriends? Steve Taylor, apparently.
Funny thing was, when she had confronted him on his latest accusations, he had admitted to it. He had resented what he referred to as ´Quade´s spying´ but didn´t deny it. And, alcoholic or not, she knew she could never fully trust a man who had cheated on her, not once, but twice.
Jack sighed in frustration. ¨Thing is, I actually get why he does it. He´s so disgustingly in love and so public about it and that´s his standard so he thinks it´s natural to be public about my relationship. And I hate it. My private life is my private life, holding her hand is about as public as I get.¨ He raked his hand through his hair. ¨I don´t think I can live with him much longer. It´s not just this, it´s that ever since they got engaged - before that, actually - I´ve felt like a third wheel in my own home. Dan´s not exactly the best when he has someone. He all but locked me out of the house when he was involved with Bianca.¨
Gabrielle heard the touch of bitterness in his voice. She couldn´t blame him. Bianca Frost was a user and a cow - she´d had to ban her from the ward because she was so dismissive of the nurses - and Dan had acted badly over it. Suddenly, she had a flash of inspiration. She was after a housemate herself, she was only just meeting the mortgage repayments and an extra hundred or so each week would be appreciated - and as far as it went, Jack was a neat freak, so much so that it irritated Dan. And a good cook. Who could ask for more?
Plus, if Jack was living with her, Steve would think twice about showing up because he wanted her company. While she was sure she didn´t qualify as a member of the blond mafia, she knew Jack cared about her and disliked Steve for the way he had treated her. He´d think twice before making any more romantic gestures. ¨I have a free room,¨ she volunteered shyly. ¨You can move in, if you want to. I mean, it´s pretty small but...¨
¨I don´t need a lot of space. Just enough for a queen bed and a bookshelf.¨ He only really used his room for sleeping and storing his books - of which he had many.
¨That I can do. It´ll be a squeeze though,¨ she admitted.
¨Squeeze I can do. Can I see it first?¨
¨Of course. How about... now?¨ she suggested. She knew they were both about to knock off so she may as well try to talk him into a sale while she was ultra-enthusiastic about it.
She hadn´t lied about it being small. But he checked the dimensions, it was big enough for what he needed, a queen, dresser, wardrobe and bookshelf. He would never forget having to squish his tall body into a single. He´d complained to his dad, but they didn´t have the money, Ned had said. Yeah, right. They had the money to send his oldest brother to police school but not for at least a queen single?
¨You OK?¨ Gabrielle asked, noticing Jack´s whole attitude seemed to go very negative all of a sudden.
¨Fine. Just reminded of something unpleasant.¨
¨Do you mind me asking what?¨
So he found himself telling her about how Stella hated him and made sure there was never a spare dollar where Jack was concerned - but plenty for his brothers, her children. How being cramped in a single bed when he was one-seventy-five at fifteen was the least of the indignities he´d had to suffer. How her hatred of him and her alcohol abuse were both so apparent that when she´d showed up to his ten am emancipation interview and spouted a vitriolic of such hatred that the state worker had done everything he could to not only push the emancipation through but get Jack the best government support available. "I´m still trying to accept that it wasn´t my fault she hated me so much," he admitted.
She patted him on the back. No point in confirming that, it was something he would have to come to accept for himself. But she did say, "The more I learn about you, the more I´m floored you turned out as well as you did."
He accepted her pat gratefully. The more time he spent with Gabrielle, the more comfortable he was around her.
He decided to take the room.
"You OK, sweetheart?"
"I´m fine."
"Then go to sleep or I´ll have to go home. I can´t sleep with you squirming around and I have to be up in six hours." Jack´s voice was gentle but reproachful. He hated the idea of leaving her in the middle of the night but Frank would kill him if he showed up tired from spending the night with his girlfriend.
So Caroline settled, but she didn´t sleep. Instead, she lay awake thinking about Jack´s accepting Gabrielle´s offer of a room. She heartily approved of him moving out of Dan´s place, she didn´t think he was very loyal to Jack. But why did it have to be Gabrielle?
She knew she didn´t have any say in it, knew after how hurt he´d been when she´d first brought up his closeness to the nurse that it wasn´t something she could bring up again. But, as childish and insecure as it sounded, she didn´t like how close they were. Rebecca, she could deal with. Everyone knew their closeness was more characteristic to maternal twins rather than half-siblings seven years apart. But Gabrielle was something different entirely. He spent more time through working with her than he did with Caroline, and now that he´d be living with her.
She had a bad feeling about this.
"Something wrong, mate?" Gabrielle asked concerned, padding out of her bedroom to the living room where Jack was curled up on the couch with a thick book.
He gave a startled jump. An avid reader, he'd been lost in it. "Sorry," he said guiltily. "Am I keeping you awake? I'll take a diazepam if you need to sleep."
"I wasn't sleeping, I just heard you come in ages ago and not go to bed, I was worried if something was wrong."
"No, I just suffer from insomnia from time to time and I try to just ride it out rather than take something for it." By 'something', Gabrielle knew he meant the diazepam he'd become increasingly dependent on to sleep in the last year.
She scooted over to the couch and he drew his knees up against his chest to make room for her. It was a common position for him to pull himself into, she thought, kind of like a sitting-up fetal position. "Nice jammies," he noted dryly. She was wearing old tracksuit pants and a t-shirt that had definitely seen better days.
Gabrielle poked her tongue out. "My parents thought girls should wear frilly nighties." She made a face. "Never want to see one of them again. I like being comfortable. Besides –" she held out her hand to run her fingers over the material of Jack's pajamas. "What's this, silk?"
He shot her a pointed look. "It's a blend of cotton and satin. I like being comfortable, too." He smiled ruefully. "OK, I like having nice stuff. Hate hand-me-downs."
"Didn't mean to get on a nerve."
"You didn't."He put the book down so he could accommodate her easier in his arms. "You smell nice," he blurted out, then immediately felt embarrassed. "Sorry, didn't mean to overstep the mark." It was just that he had never seen her in such a casual context before, where the smell of scented soap and shampoo wasn't completely overpowered by the smell of hospital-grate soap and disinfectant. God, if Caroline had heard him just then–
"It's fine." She didn't add that it was nice to be found attractive in the least bit, even if Jack meant it in on the most general of ways. After all, there was always Caroline, and that was a line he would never cross.
But it was nice to be appreciated, nonetheless. In fact, it was nice just being with Jack. Every so often she was surprised at just how nice it was. She couldn't remember being so relaxed around a person, the feeling that someone had her back...
She started to drift off and she felt Jack nudge her in the ribs. "I am not having you fall asleep on me again," he said. "Once I can explain
to Caroline. Two and I'm going to find myself single."
"It touches me to know where your priorities lie," Gabrielle quipped, but got off him, because she knew better than most how much it hurt to question the fidelity of someone you loved."What´s all this?" Gabrielle asked, pleasantly surprised to come home and find the house wafting with delicious hot smells. Her stomach immediately cramped with hunger. Whatever Jack had going, it smelled a lot nicer than last night´s leftover curry.
Jack grinned sheepishly, caught out at his surprise. "You´re not meant to be home for another hour."
"Yeah, things were actually quieter that usual so Zoe let me go. What are you making?"
"Spicy pork tenderloins with sweet potato mash and rosemary jus."
Gabrielle stared at him. "Kay, you´re gonna have to explain that one in simple country terms."
"Meat and potatoes."
She laughed. "Now you´re just being a snob." But she didn´t take any offense. She´d been kind of looking forward to whatever Jack could whip up; Dan seemed more sorry for the loss of Jack´s cooking skills than the fact Jack had been deeply offended Dan had gossiped about him so much. And it had been ages since anyone had cooked for her; Steve was about as talented in the kitchen as Dan. "Smells amazing."
Jack pushed out a bottle of red and a glass. He already had one next to him. "You have just enough time for a bath if you want," he said.
"Think I´m going to enjoy living with you," she said. Steve had never thought to do something as sweet as takeout so she didn´t have to cook, let alone whip up something elaborate.
"Don´t think you´ll get this every night," he responded with a grin. "I just wanted to say thanks for having me."
"That´s sweet, Jack, but you don´t need to thank me. You´re doing me a favour. I could do with the money and the company... and someone to share the cooking with, too." But she kissed him on the cheek to show him she was grateful and went and had her bath.
After dinner they ended up on the couch, talking over a movie. "You look beat," she said sympathetically. "Do you mind-" she reached over to run her hand across his back before she´d even gotten his permission. "Jesus, you´re tense," she said.
"It´s nothing." He tried to shrug her off but she persisted. She moved so she was slightly behind him and tried to rub his back. It was like a wall of sore, tired muscles. He had to be in agony.
"Gabby, stop it," he insisted, tensing up even more. His back may have been aching but he didn´t like being touched from behind.
"You need to relax."
"Not this way, I don´t," he snapped. He could feel her pulling away and he grabbed her hand. "Look, I´m sorry. It´s nothing personal. I just don´t like being touched from behind. I don´t like not being able to see the person."
"Because of Stella?" she asked. He nodded. It was close enough to the truth. He would forever associate someone touching him from behind with abuse. "You must have accumulated some serious intimacy issues over the years." He nodded again; again, it was close enough to the truth. "Do you mind me asking how you ever overcame them?"
'Overcame' was a relative word, he knew. He couldn´t sleep on his stomach, didn´t like anyone touching him from behind and slept around to make himself feel secure in his heterosexuality. But he had learnt to enjoy being touched under certain circumstances. "Mostly I rely on my senses - well, four of them anyway, touch taste, smell feel. Think sight´s kind of overrated when it comes to sex. If I close my eyes I can feel and hear more acutely and touch becomes that much more intimate. Voice, especially, I focus on the fact that it´s not Stella coming to hurt me. I realize that sounds vaguely incestuous, focusing on a woman not being my step-mother, but it works for me."
Gabrielle made a noise of understanding and Jack asked her what it was. "Rachel was really insulted you kept your eyes shut. She thought maybe you were thinking of someone else."
"I was an asshole but not that much of one." Or at least, he hadn´t been thinking about another woman; mostly he´d thought about how much it hurt to have the only person in the world who knew what Patrick had put him through lost to him forever.
Gabrielle sensed his thoughts were drifting to something melancholy. "Look, if you say talking works, why don´t we try that?"
"I´m sorry?"
"How does it work? Do I just prattle?"
"You can´t be serious."
"I´m perfectly serious. You´ve got to all this effort for me and I want to do something for you if I can."
He thought about it and decided it was worth a shot. "Whatever comes to mind. It´s not about content so much as being able to focus on your voice. Tell me about farm life." He moved slightly forward so Gabrielle could get behind him. She started prattling about growing up in the country and how Sydney had been so daunting when she´d first arrived. She dug her fingers into his neck and was surprised that he didn´t flinch. He had to be in serious pain and her hands digging into his sore muscles had to be exacerbating the pain. Of course, she didn´t know that being repeatedly raped over two years had jacked up his pain threshold to something most people wouldn´t be able to stand.
After a few minutes she could feel him relax slightly. It was working. "Tell you what, why don´t be do this properly? Go to your room and take your shirt off. I think I have some massage oil somewhere."
He immediately tensed up again. "My scars," he whispered, and he suddenly felt very ugly.
She slid her arms around his front so she could hug him. He didn´t try to pull away. "There is nothing ugly enough to make me think any less of you," she said with quiet conviction. "Take your shirt off now and show me if you´re so concerned about it."
Reluctantly, he stood up, back to her, and unbuttoned his shirt, sliding it down his shoulders with so much reluctance you´d think he was being coerced into sex. Half a dozen thin, pale lines ran horizontally along his back. They were ugly, but they didn´t make him ugly, a distinction he had always had trouble with. "The only ugly thing is how an adult could be so cruel to a child," she said with that same quiet conviction. She saw people who had been abused all the time, but never this up close and personal. "Go to your room, Jack. I´ll be there in a minute."
He was surprised how relieved he was that she hadn´t reacted with horror. Of course, she´d had fair warning and she would have at least tried to conceal her feelings, but there was something in her tone that made him think she was being sincere. He went to his room and lay on his stomach, trying not to think about how much he hated being in this position (get on your stomach, Jack, and I won´t make it any harder than it has to be) as he waited for Gabrielle.
She came in a minute later, bottle in hand. He was tense, she could see that. Poor guy, she thought. She could actually hear the swish of the belt slicing through the air before landing on his back, actually feel his fear as he waited for the first blow, his anguished sobs as he prayed for it to be over. She ran her hand over his bare back and flinched when he did, the feeling of being touched from behind bringing back painful memories. "It´s just me," she said, and he visibly relaxed to hear her voice.
She straddled him and poured oil onto her hands before rubbing it onto his back, prattling the whole time. After ten minutes Jack actually managed to engage in conversation. He was relaxing under her touch. "This feels so nice," he said after a while. He thought about asking Caroline to do it, and then felt a bit guilty, because he knew she wouldn´t like him being so up close and personal with Gabrielle. But it wasn´t like they were doing anything wrong. It was just a backrub between mates... He groaned in appreciation as he felt that knot between his shoulder blades disappear. After a fashion, he enjoyed being touched by women and he trusted Gabrielle deeply. He felt himself relaxing in a way he hadn´t in ages, felt himself drifting off under the pleasurable sensation of her very capable hands...
She realized he had nodded off. She got off him, pleased with herself. She had just wanted Jack to relax enough to let her touch him - that he had been relaxed enough to fall asleep was a bonus.
She went into the bathroom to wash her hands. Then she came back to his room with a spare sheet and covered him with it. "Sweet dreams," she whispered before turning out the light and leaving the room.
It was the same old nightmare that had haunted him for years. He woke up from a nap he´d taken in the spare room of Patrick Wesley´s house - a man Jack idolized as a replacement for his neglectful, alcoholic father - to realize he was lying on his stomach with his clothes off. He struggled to sit up and felt Patrick´s hands on this back. "Easy, Jack," Patrick said in a sinisterly a soothing voice that sounded like he was talking to a stubborn child rather than the latest victim for his pedophilic tastes.
Jack felt Patrick penetrate him digitally, and he realized with sick horror what was happening. He struggled and started to scream, which earned him a strong slap across his back. "You scream and I´ll gag you. You scream and I´ll make this harder than it has to be. You know you want this, you´ve been begging for it, begging for my attention." Patrick got another finger in and Jack choked back another scream.
"I don´t" he sobbed. "Please, don´t. Please..."
"This will be a bit uncomfortable," Patrick said pleasantly. "Always is for your first time. If you don´t scream I´ll use lubricant and if you do I won´t, do you understand?"
Of course he understood. This was painful enough. Jack couldn´t comprehend the pain that was ahead but his mind had a pretty good idea and was already being consumed in a black cloud of terror. "Let me go," he sobbed. "I promise, I won´t say anything."
"Can´t do that, Jack. You´ve been begging for it for months, showing up here in your swimmers, begging for my attention, tempting me. You can´t back out now, you little pricktease."
"I am not!" Patrick responded to this little outburst with a rough push that made Jack groan in pain. He had no doubt Patrick would go through on his threat if he screamed, but it was so hard not to... "I don´t want this."
"Sure you do, you little faggot. You´re just pretending because you don´t want to admit what you are... I wonder how your dad would feel, knowing what you are?"
"I am not," he sobbed. "Am not..." He clenched his fists together and bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood when Patrick made a few fumbled attempts to penetrate him. Oh, God, this was going to hurt. Jack thought about screaming but knew Patrick would come good on his promise and besides, what would his father think to know this was happening? The great Ned Quade, who wore his womanizing like a badge, would be horrified to know any son of this was in this position... maybe had tempted a man... had he tempted Patrick? He didn´t think so. But what had he done to make him think this was what he wanted?
"Relax," Patrick ordered. "Or you're only going to make it harder for yourself. And for God´s sakes, if you must be a baby, face down into the pillow."
Jack did as he was told and was warpedly glad he did, because he couldn´t stop the blood-curdling, terrorized scream that escaped from his throat when Patrick finally succeeded in penetrating him. He´d known it would hurt but this - he was convinced Patrick intended to kill him. No way could he take this pain. It felt like he was being ripped apart over and over as Patrick penetrated and withdrew, penetrated and withdrew... awkward? Try so far beyond any realm of pain he had ever known existed.
"Stop!" Jack didn´t know if he was actually screaming or just screaming in his head; the pain made it hard to differentiate. "Please, stop, you´re killing me. I don´t want this, I don´t want this..."
"Jack, wake up. Please, wake up," Gabrielle begged him. She had come into his room, awakened by the sound of his terrorized screams and she at once understood why he disliked being on his stomach so much. It wasn´t Stella´s beltings, although that couldn´t have helped. It was the memory of being raped. And she had left him on his stomach, pleased with herself for being able to make him relax.
The humanitarian in her wanted to shake him awake, anything to get him out of this nightmare ASAP. But survival instinct kicked in. He was so deeply lost in a terrible memory that she knew if she touched him, he would mistake her for his abuser. She knew the kind of strength that lay in that powerful body, and if Jack thought to wrap his hands around her throat... So she switched on the lights and pulled up the chair next to his bed, talking to him, pleading with him to come out of his nightmare, hoping her voice might lead him back to the land of the waking - and whatever passed for security in his life these days. "Jack, it´s Gabby. It´s 2008 and you´re having a nightmare. You´re safe. Please wake up..."
"SHUT UP!" Patrick yelled at him. But Jack couldn´t shut up. He was screaming in real life, and he couldn´t stop. The pain was unbearable.
"Jack, wake up." His mind wavered between the pain and a third voice and instinct told him to follow the third voice. He collected his thoughts and tried to listen.
"You´re twenty-seven and a doctor at All Saints. You drive Frank absolutely batty sometimes - actually, you drive us all a bit batty sometimes. But we still all love you so please-"
Actually, he was almost twenty-eight. He remembered telling Gabrielle that twenty-eight was only two away from thirty, and it seemed he hadn´t accomplished much for almost-thirty...
...He was almost twenty-eight and had just moved in with Gabrielle Jaeger. Patrick was dead, hadn´t been able to hurt him for over ten years and now would never hurt anyone again...
With a start, Jack woke up. He had a great intake of breath, his lungs still feeling deprived of oxygen from having his face buried in the pillow to muffle his screams. For a few seconds he panted, gobbling up fresh air as quickly as his lungs would expand and deflate. Then he felt the familiar churning of his stomach and-
Gabrielle handed him the waste-paper basket next to his bed, instinct making her almost familiar with Jack´s reactions to his nightmares as he was. He proceeded to throw up what had to be not only dinner but lunch and probably breakfast at first until his stomach rebelled at his mind´s attempts to bring up nothing but lining. Sobbing and spitting the last of the foulness out of his mouth, his apologized tearfully for waking her up.
Ha. As if that was the least of her problems. A friend who´d been so badly sexually abused as to still be having nightmares God knew how many years later ranked a slightly higher priority than a missed night's sleep. "Go have a shower," she directed him. "I´ll clean up and change the bed for you."
Jack shook his head. "Please, just go back to sleep," he begged her. "I´ve been too much of an inconvenience already."
"Don´t be stubborn, Jack. You´ve been there for me when I needed a friend so don´t insult me now and push me away when you need someone. Go have a shower and I´ll fix everything."
He didn´t need to be told a third time. Keeping the sheet wrapped around him, even though it was drenched in sweat, he went to the bathroom, first digging out fresh clothes from his dresser.
Once he was gone, Gabrielle made quick work of Jack's room, opening the windows to let in the fresh air – and let out the awful smell of sweat, vomit… and humiliation. She wanted to sit down and cry to think about what had been done to him, and the only thing that stopped her was knowing he needed someone to be strong for him. She doubted he had ever had that.
As she emptied the basket and changed the sheets, her mind ticked over. She remembered a patient they had had last year, Patrick Wesley. He'd been admitted with multiple stab wounds, mostly to the groin area. She remembered thinking at the time that it was such a sexually-charged crime, a sexually-rage charged crime, the kind of things the victims and their loved ones did to sexual predators.
It hadn't clicked as to how Jack was related to Travis Knight's involvement, and truth be told, at the time she hadn't put a lot of thought into it. It wasn't like she and Jack had been particularly close. Although she did remember Dan being so determined that Jack shouldn't work on Patrick that he had called in Mike – Gabrielle hadn't understood it at the time. But it made sense that if Patrick was Jack's abuser, that Dan and Mike would be concerned for Jack's career – not to mention state of mind – should he operate on Patrick.
If Travis had killed Patrick, did that mean both he and Jack were Patrick's victims? How long had it gone on? How many boys had there been?
Jack came out of the bathroom almost half an hour later. He looked like he'd taken scrubbing brush to his skin and Gabrielle suspected it had actually been a nail brush. Her heart went out to him. A common expression among sexual abuse victims was how they felt the dirt never really washed away, but it was one thing to understand it professionally and another to see a good friend put himself through that…
He immediately reached for the bourbon and coke she had put on the table and she slapped his hand away. She had propped a plate of leftovers from dinner on the table and pointed to it. "You eat that and I'll let you get as drunk as you like."
"Please, I need a drink."
While Gabrielle knew alcohol was the last thing Jack needed, she also appreciated that sometimes there was no better source of relief from your demons; it would certainly bring him more comfort, at least temporarily, than any diazepam prescription would. "Eat first. You just threw up everything but your stomach lining. You drink now and you'll be in hospital having your stomach pumped. Can't see you being all that happy with a tube forced down your throat."
She had hit on a nerve without realizing it. "Go to hell," he muttered darkly, but ate anyway. She finally gave him the drink when he had finished the plate.
By this point, his hands were so badly shaking with fraught nerves that he couldn't hold the glass steady. "Easy," she said. She positioned herself behind him, bracing him with one arm around his chest and using her free hand to hold the glass to his mouth. But at least he was fully conscious and coherent, knowing where he was and who she was – and that she was doing more to help than all but a few ever had. He gulped in down in three goes and she started to pour him another, which he requested straight and downed just as quickly. When he asked for a third, she replied, "Not yet. Let that settle."
"You said I could get drunk," he said, a little childishly.
"And I meant it. But I did not say having your stomach pumped. Which is what will happen if you don't let those first two settle." She kissed the side of her head. She knew what Caroline would say if she saw them together, knew if the situation were reversed, she would be gutted, but knew she couldn't leave Jack to his demons.
She held Jack until he stopped shaking and his breathing became regular and she let him have another drink. "Thankyou," he said quietly, humbly. "I appreciate you doing this."
She hugged him tight enough to make him grunt in protest. "Sorry. Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really." There was a long pause as Jack gathered his thoughts – and the alcohol sank in deep enough for him to be able to open up to anyone but Karen – "I tried telling Stella what had happened but he'd already called home and said I'd stolen from him. She went off at me about lying about an up-standing member of the community and kept making me go back."
Unconsciously, he sought Gabrielle's hand, threading his fingers through hers and squeezing tightly. Dimly, beyond the alcohol and his own pain, he knew this was something Caroline would never forgive him for, but right now, he needed the comfort Gabrielle was offering him too much to care. He felt his voice start to choke up but he needed to tell someone who cared. "He told me to get on my knees and when I said I'd bite it off, he –" Gabrielle bit her lip to stop from yelling out when Jack applied more pressure to the hand he was holding "–he said I could get on my knees or I could get on my stomach." He closed his eyes, still remembering the humiliation. "I did it," he admitted shakily "I hated myself for it but I was still so sore and I didn't think I could take it again..."
The floodgates were open and for over an hour Jack alternatively cried and screamed and blurted out everything that had happened to him. It was difficult to hear but Gabrielle knew it was nothing compared with how difficult it must have been for Jack to live through and continue to live with.
Finally, he quietened, his tragic story told, from the two years, two dozen rapes and hundreds of blow jobs it had taken Patrick to move onto someone younger and less used then Jack to Patrick coming back into his life through pure bad luck to his reluctant alliance with Travis that had turned into a close friendship to Jack's out-of-control devastation at his loss to Mary reminding him how much he had loved being a doctor to that stupid contract with Frank which included that he see Karen Haynes once a week.
Not once did he leave the security of Gabrielle's arms. When he finally felt calm enough that his tears subsided and his breathing became regular, he said, "That's for doing this. Sorry I kept you up – you should go back to bed now."
"Do you want me to stay?"
Jack knew he should say no. He shouldn't be putting Gabrielle out like that, and he shouldn't be flirting with this line between friendship and infidelity. Hell, flirting? He had crossed it when he'd let her rub his back. But... he felt safe. He felt like Gabrielle was there, ready to fight for him, ready to make him feel safe... and he desperately needed to feel safe. Her embrace made him feel warm as if he'd been slowly freezing to death and she was a heated room. "If you don't mind," he said after a long time.
"Of course I don't." She let Jack shift them so he was spooning her; she figured it was best for him to dictate what he was most comfortable with. And she found as he cuddled up to her that it was a pleasant experience. It was only platonic, she kept telling herself, but platonic or not, no man had ever made her feel good the way Jack did.