A/N: Aghh sorry I havn't updated in a while...things have been pretty hectic lately. But don't worry, this is a LONG chapter thanks to my tendency to ramble. Maybe you've noticed...hopefully you havn't. ANYWAYS, a thank you to my very lovely reviewers and a YOU ARE CONDEMNED TO HADES to my nonreviewers (JUST KIDDING).

your non hades condemning authoress

pinksharpie

Chapter Four: "Illiterate" Pirates and Obsessive Will Fans

"In ye goes missy." Nikki's guard grunts as he pushes her rather roughly into the dank cell.

"OW!" I yowl as I join her on the hard dirt ground.

"EEEK!" Next Macy is sent tumbling next to me.

"Watch it bucko or else!" Laura warns, as the cell door swings shut and locks with a morbid click.

"Or else what eh? What's blondie gonna do?" A rather ugly guard mocks as he nudges his even uglier friend. Not alot of lookers in the Royal Navy.

Apparently Laura hadn't gotten to that part yet, for she merely puts on that Scarlett O'Hara damn-your-eyes look that could give any man frost bite. But apparently these guards come with anti-freeze, for they don't even bat an eye.

"Don't worry, this isn't over quite yet," Nikki assures her as she stands up and saunters pass her towards the bars, swaying her hips probably more than neccesary while she pops open the top buttons of her shirt.

"Wha d'ya want, wench?" A rat-faced man oh so kindly asks (insert sarcasm here).

Nikki ignores his less than polite demeanor and instead flutters her eyelashes at a psychopathic rate.

"Oh, please forgive me sir, it's just that the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I just had to approach you...you've got this masculine auora about you that has me so drawn," She swoons, ignoring the muffled giggles from behind her.

"Nice try missy, don't think I don't know what yer up to," He sneers as he crosses his arms and turns away from her as if to show her that he's not interested. Nikki's girlish smile falls instantly into a small pout at her humiliating rejection. Not ready to admit defeat just yet, she chooses her next victim to target her attention on. He's a nervous looking boy who looks to be about 16.

"Why hello there handsome is that a gun in your pocket or is someone happy to see me," She coos sweetly, whilst twirling a lock of hair around her finger.The boy looks confusedly to his left and then to his right as he pulls out a pistol from his pocket.

"It's a gun," He says flatly. Her mouth forms into a little 'O' as she finally takes a spot on the ground next to Laura, Macy, and I who are trying our best to keep from laughing uproariously.

After a couple rounds of I spy, tic tac toe, and rock paper scissor shoot, our dear Captain is finally brought down the stairs in an unconscience heap by some guards. A burly looking man thrusts his jingling keys into the rusty lock which opens with a click, swings the cell door open, and chucks Jack inside. Upon inpact with the ground, Jack's eyes flicker open, and a groan escapes his lips.

"I see you've made a friend, Jack." I say sarcastically from the corner of the cell that me and my friends have claimed.

"Nobody can resist the charms of Jack Sparrow," He says drowsily, almost incoheriantly. He's still looking a bit out of it, and he gazes at his surroundings with no sign of comprehending his situation. He looks over at our bunch, then does a double take, and for the first time looks alert.

"Oh buggar, not you lot again."

Laura snorts. "Nice to see you too Jack."

"I see even nuns are not above the law," Jack sneers.

"Oh please if you havn't figured out that we arn't nuns than you're stupider than I thought," Laura replys bitterly.

Jack sighs and looks desperately over to the guards and hollars, "are ye sure we have to wait until next morning to hang me?"

"Drama queen," I yawn.

"Wench." He retorts, turning away from the compassionless guards.

"Pansy."

"Whore."

"Nacy boy."

"Hell cat."

"Fairy."

"Strumpet."

"EUNUCH!"

"FLAT CHESTED!"

Well that shuts me up.

My mouth immediately falls open in disbeleif. I hear a chorus of snickers from the peanut gallery beyond the bars, but I silence them with one of my well practiced dark eyed glares. Lord it's like seventh grade all over again. True, if a paper bag was put over my head I could be easily mistaken for a skinny preadolecent boy, but still, I don't appreciate having it rubbed in my face, and by Jack Sparrow of all people! Albeit I've learned over the years to put my wirey frame and long legs to work by joining things like cross country and swim team, so I've come a long way from the thirteen year old girl who pouted at her image in the mirror while her overly developed friend next to her was pushing her neckline lower inorder to show some more cleavage. And yet regardless of all the self acceptance I've aquired over the years, I found my inner preteen insecurites flaring up at Jack's remark.

Jack grins, knowing his last comment struck home. "Tha's what I though', love." He affirms as he lowers his body into a corner and pushes his hat over his face as if to signal that the conversation is over.

My intense stare of death lingers over his resting form, half-hoping that it will spontaneously burst into flames. A cough from someone inside the cell rips me out of my reverie, making me snap my head towards my friend's direction and plaster a look of maniacal happiness onto my face to mask my tantrum.

"I'm bored. Lets play another game." I say in a over exagerated loud voice to prevent Jack from dozing off. This isn't over yet buddy. Nikki nods in aggreement.

"I got one." Nikki announces. "I'll start. I'm going on a picnic and I bring..." Nikki taps her chin thoughtfully before exclaiming, "My Armani Couture Jeans!"

I raise an eyebrow before continuing after her. "I'm going on a picnic and I bring my Armani Jeans, " Hah I wish, "and Bubblelicious Bubble Gum." Next is Macy.

"I'm going on a picnic and I bring my Armani Jeans, Bubblelicious Bubble Gum, and a copy of Charles Dickens greatest works." Silence.

"Charles Dickens, huh? Sounds naughty," Nikki giggles as she covers her mouth, trying to contain her mirth. Leave it to Nikki to transfrom one of history's greatest poets into an errotic story writer. Macy narrows her eyes at this remark.

"Alright my turn," Laura states as she sits up. I notice out of the corner of my eye that Jack has taken his hat off his face, and is now observing us with curious eyes. "I'm going on a picnic and I'm taking my Armani Jeans, Bubblelicious Bubble Gum, Charles Dickens, and," Laura pauses and revels in her thought like shes savouring something verrry good before saying, "Daniel Radcliff." My eyes widen to giant saucers. This picnic just got exciting. "Ok, so now what do we start over with Nikki?" Laura asks, acknowleding the fact that we've come to the last person. Well except for one. I nodd my head towards Jack's location, and we all share a evil grin before yelling in a sing-song voice, "Ohhhh Jackkk!" in unison.

"What! What do you hell cats want now." Jack growls irritably, although I note the curiousity in his voice.

"Come join us in our game! Its your turn to say what you want to bring to the picnic." Nikki says sweetly.

"Rum." Jack replys without hesitation.

"Nooo silly it has to start with a 'F'."

"Oh. Right, errr how 'bout Scarlett." Jack says, a bit uncomfortably. A lightbulb goes off in my brain.

"You don't know how to read, do ya Jack!" I gasp. I mean sheesh, even Nikki can read...sort of.

"Can too!" He defends as he crosses his arms.

"Alright then," Laura says getting up to fetch a stick from the opposite side of the cell. When she returns she starts using it to write a message in the dirt in front of us. "What does this say then, smarty pants?" I turn my head so that the message is right side up. It reads:

Jack Sparrow kisses boys in closets and is a eunuch. NOT WILL.

I quickly clasp a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing uproariously. Instead I look to Jack's face, eager for a reaction. His face is totally blank, void of any sign of understanding the messasge.

"Rubbish tha's what is is. Can't understand your penmenship," Jack grumbles.

"Ohh my turn!" Nikki says with a wicked grin.

By the end of 5 minutes, we have insulted Jack from his mother to his sexual abilities. Each time Jack would stare blankly at the dirt infront of him, and heave a giant shrug. Finally, it is my turn with the stick, and I am struck with an idea. I get up and write:

Captain Jack Sparrow is a hott dead sexy beast and a rougishly handsome devil that I want to take to a dirty motel and spend a steamy and wild night with. The End.

Whoo! I wipe the budding moisture off my forehead with the back of my hand after I'm done righting that steamy little passage. My friends stare mouth agape at my dirt message as I sit back down next to them with a satisfied smile. Hey why not take the oppurtunity to confess my horny teenage fantasies to the man I love? He can't read, so no harm no foul...right? I look to Jack, expecting to see the same vacant expression, but see something else. There is a glimmer of mischief and..understanding in his eyes, and it is making me uneasy. I rub my own eyes, hoping its just my imagination, but when I open them, he's standing up, dusting his breeches off and grinning wolfishly.

"My, my, I think I just may take you up on that offer, love" He husks, as he takes an intimidating step towards me. I feel the color along with my smile slide right off my face as I stare back up into his darkening eyes with horror.

"B-b-but you c-can't read!" I declare feebly, not willing to accept that he can.

"Ah yess so it seems. Well let me set th' records straight, eh? Laura, no I do not kiss boys in closets, or whatever rubbish you said. And sorry, but infact dear Will is a eunuch. Lovely singing voice though...trying to catch flys with yer mouth, love?" Laura, who is now blushing madly, immediately snaps her mouth shut. "Ah Macy," Macy looks up with absolute dread in her eyes. "Tis true, the proffession of my mother is questionable, but lets not get carried away, savvy?" Macy squeaks a "yes", and Jack rounds on Nikki. " And Nikki. I can assure ye tha' my abillities in the bedroom are quite satisfying, but ye know wha' they say, actions speak louder than words, am I righ' love?" Nikki nodds vigorously, causing her blonde hair to flop up and down on her laguna beach tanned forehead.

"I can't beleive you pretended that you couldn't read!" I yell, my anger temporarily crushing my utter humiliation. "You're sucha pig! A lieing, womanizing, chauvanist pig!"

"Aye, but I beleive yer the one who wants to ravish the said chauvanist pig, savvy?" Jack purrs as he gives me a salacious wink.

"IT WAS A JOKE! YOU KNOW, HA HA JOKE? GAHH!!!" I seeth as I get up in a huff to sit at the opposite side of the cell. To my dismay, this meant sitting next to the dirty and skinny occupant of the next cell. He smiles what I'm pretty sure he thinks is his most dashing smile, revealing a less then charming gap toothed grin. I scooch over a tad inorder to dodge his wandering hands that poke from between the bars.

I have never been so humiliated in my life, I conclude as I limit my gaze strictley to ahead of me, as so not to catch Jack's wondering eye. Ohh Lord, Oh God, I know I havn't been the best Christian but my mom scolds me enough for it so you don't have to, but will you please send a bolt of lightening to my pitiful body and end it now, oh pleaseeee.

BOOM. I hear a blast in the far distance.

WAIT! I was kidding! You know, ha, ha, joke? Honestly, does any one in this universe have a sense of humor??

"I know those guns," Jack mutters as he leaps towards the barred off window with animal like grace that I didn't know he possessed because of all the drunken swaggering. "The Black Pearl," He whispers mystified.

"The Pearl?" The man with way- too-friendly hands asks, not bothering to hide the horror in his voice. "I've heard stories, shes been praying on ships and settlements for near 10 yrs. Never leaves any survivors," he finishes.

"No survivors eh? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?" The prisoner opens his mouth to reply, and then shuts it close just as abruptively.

"Oooo you just got served." Nikki points out with all the sass she can muster as she does the whole snap snap snap movement.

"Psss, Charlie, you, should prolly get away from that corner," Macy whispers as she beckons me toward her with her hand. I furrow my eye-brows, as I look at my homey little corner. Yea it's a bit shabby, but otherwise I see nothing else that is wrong.

There is another far off blast, and I see Jack's eyes widen as he peers out the window. In one quick movement, he is by my side and wrapping a strong arm around my waist before flinging me to the other side of the cell. As I hit the ground, I hear the cannonball shatter through the concrete wall, sending debris and smoke flying. I shudder at the thought of my own body standing in the way of the angry cannonball.

Note to self numero dos: Stop being a stubborn ass and listen to Macy from now on.

After the shock of the near death experience wore off, I realise that a certain pirate is still on top of me. Not that I'm complaining, only the fact that I can't breathe, but other than that no biggy.

"Geroffme!" I sputter, my lungs completely robbed of precious air, save for the small amount of oxygen contaminated with the smell of rum and sweat wafting through my nostrils from Jack's body.

Jack looks off into space for a moment as if pondering about his descision before simply answering, "No thanks, I'm quite comfortable actually." I glower at him before pushing him rather unceremoniously off.

"What? No, 'why thank you Jack you handsome devil you, for saving my life'? Bloody ungrateful woman you are," Jack sulks as he gets up to observe the damage done in the wall, just in time to witness the two scrawney prisoners climb out of the hole, which is inconveniently on the otherside of the bars.

"My sympathies friend, you've no matter of luck at all," He sneers sardonically, ending with a gleeful cackle, which echos eerily into the night.

"I never liked that guy," Macy says whistfully. Laura harrumps as Jack retrieves the bone that they have so considerately left behind.

"That's not going to work," Laura states cynically. Jack ignores her and proceeds to coax the dog over to the bars with the bone.

"Come'on doggy!" He whistles. "It's just you and me now. It's you and ole' Jack. Come on, good boy. Bit closer, big closer. That's it doggy. Come'on you filthy slimy mangy cur..."

BANG

There is a gunshot followed by triumphant voices and a body that rolls down the stairs and lands at the bottom with a sickening thud.

"This ain't th'armory!" Twigg growls as he strides into view.

"Well, well, well...look what we got here Twigg. Captain Jack Sparrow..." Koehler says darkly as his mouth twitches into a malevolent smile.

"Last time I saw you, you were all alone on a godforsaken island, shrinkin' in the distance. His fortunes havn't improved much." Twigg chuckles at his own wit.

"Worry about your own fortunes gentlemen. The deepest circle of Hell is reserved for betrayors, and mutineers." Koeler snarls and grabs Jack's neck, revealing a skeletel arm in the moonlight that streams through the bars. "So there is a curse...that's interesting."

"You know nothing of Hell." Koehler growls hatefully, and yet I sense the pain in his voice.

"Dude. You seriously need to chill," Nikki advises them with raised eyebrows.

"Dude? What's that??" Twigg asks biligerently, obviously thinking he's just been deeply insulted in some foreign language.

"Well the technical definition is the infected hair on a elephant's behind..." I say, trailing off when I start to receive looks that make me feel like I just sprouted an extra head.

"Just ignore her," Jack advises waving me off. "I've found tha' it's th' best solution if you want to maintain your sanity."

"So, Jack's got some girlies to play with," Twigg says, his eyes burning with desire.

"You want them? You can have them, mate. Beleive me by this time tommarow you'll be beggin that I take them back," Jack scoffs. My mouth drops open at Jack's audacity.

Twigg's eyes light up with christmas joy, but Koehler has other ideas, thankfully.

"Twigg lets go...we have other business to attend to." Koehler grabs Twigg's arm, who reluctantly follows him back up the stairs.

"Well that was pleasant," Macy squeaks, sounding very unnerved.

"Bleh, we coulda taken them," I mumble as I sit down, feeling the fatigue from my eventful day for the first time. I try to stay awake longer, but the force of gravity pulling on my eyelids becomes to strong and my vision swirls into darkness.

The morning sun streams through the cell window, caressing my skin with pleasant warm kisses until my eye's reluctantly flutter open. A pitiful groan escapes my lips as I prop myself up on an elbow and look around the cell. The floor is littered with dirt, hay, and sleeping bodies. All but two, that is. Jack is hard at work trying to pick the lock with his widled bone, obviously not taking our advice to heart. That dosn't surprise me. What does surprise me is Laura, who is sitting up unnaturally straight and diligently facing the bars with the enthusiasm of a hyper active 6 year old who just discovered the wonders of Mountain Dew. I scramble towards Jack, careful as to not wake anyone.

"Is she ok?" I whisper harshly while casting worried glances at Laura.

"Dunno. Was up before me. Hasn't said a word," Jack says, not even pausing from his work to see who I'm talking about. I expel a giant sigh from my chest and then stumble to Laura.

"Laura," I call out, my voice still groggy with sleep. "What are you doing?!" Her head slowly turns in a smooth quarter circle that almost convinces me that it will keep going to complete a 360 degree circle like the girl in the exsorcists. Fortunately, her head stops at me, assuring me that my friend is not posessed by Satan, just naturally crazy.

"Will is coming," She whispers. Her voice is monotone and filled with obsession that therapists whould deem unhealthy. The Laura before me is a 180 degree difference from the rational, fun, nonviolent Laura that usually occupies the position as my best friend. This side of Laura is the side that I fondly call Psycho Laura. Psycho Laura should be considered dangerous and is prone to destructive/overexcited behavior at anytime that the subject of Will Turner/Orlando Bloom arises. For these reasons I proceed to approach her with caution.

"Laura," I say calmly. "Why don't you go and take a nap," I coax. Laura shakes her head wildly.

"You of all people should understand," She starts, her voice getting louder. "You know...your thing for Jac-"

"JACKETS!" I yell cutting her off. "For jackets, right Laura?" I say, laughing nervously through my frighteningly forced smile. Laura looks at me quizzically and is about to say something, but is cut off by the well anticipated sound of very familiar footsteps coming down the stairs. Jack instantly throws himself onto the ground feigning sleep while Laura looks as if she is about to feint from excitement. The footsteps get louder and lo and behold, Will Turner steps into view. I must say that even though I have a strict prejudice against men prettier than myself, I find a goofy grin spreading across my face. Laura is beyond help so I'm not even going to attempt to describe her reactions.

"You! Sparrow!"

"Aye?" Jack answers, rising from his pretend sleep.

"You are familiar with the ship, The Black Pearl?" Will questions eagerly.

"I've heard of it." Pfft. Thats an understatement. More like you were once captain and were mutinied against by the crew of the Pearl and now hold a life long mission of acheiving revenge on the mutinous captain and will therefore engage in a series of swordfights, neogtiations, and fraternizing with cursed skeletel creatures. Yep, that would be more accurate.

"Where does it make berth?" Will demands, his jaw set in determination. I see Laura's body out of the corner of my eye start to sway between conciousness and unconciousness, so I jab her arm with my elbow.

"Where does it make berth?" Jack says with an incredulous look. "Have you not heard the stories? Captain Barbossa and his crew of miscreants sail from the dreaded Isla de Muerta. It's an island that can not be found except by those who already know where it is."

"The ship's real enough, therefore the anchorage must be a real place. Where is it?"

"Why ask me?" Jack says coyly.

"Because you're a pirate!" Will retorts.

"And you want to turn pirate yourself. Is that it?"

"Never! They took Miss Swan." Laura twists her face in disgusts and makes the gagging sign with her finger.

"So it is that you've found a girl. I see. Well if you're intending to brave all, hasten to her rescue and so win fair lady's heart, you'll have to do it alone mate, I see no profit in it for me," Jack says stubbornly

"I can get you out of here," Will points out. I notice that the well being of the four females occupying this cell as well is not mentioned.

"How's that? The key's run off," Jack says with resentment.

"I helped build these cells. These are half-pin barral hinges. With the right amount of leverage and the proper application of strength , the door will lift free."

"What's your name?" Jack says, now intrigued by the mysterious man.

"Will Turner."

"That will be short for William Turner I imagine, good strong name, no doubt, named for your father, eh?"

"...yes." Will says tentively after a long pause.

"Uh-Huh...well Mr. Turner I change my mind. If you spring me from this cell I swear on the pain of death that I shall take you to the Black Pearl and your bonny lass. Do we have an accord?"

"Agreed." Will confirms shaking Jack's hand.

"Okay now get me out." I clear my throat none to subtlely, causing Jack to roll his eyes. "And them too I suppose."

"Thank ya Jack!" I say delightedly as I get up and walk toward's the two lazy bums still asleep. "Wake up sleeping beauties!" I say shaking Nikki's limp shoulders, "Were bustin outa this joint!"