Whoohoo! Thank you to my fabulous reviewers: NikkieSheepie, gurugirl, milady dragon, gernumblies, specialfrancine, thedeejay, L.A.H.H., MadCatta and Marian Locksley!

And here we have for you – religious experience! And this time the quote is from Monty Python's 'The Life of Brian'. And I know this is chapter four, but I forgot to mention earlier that I don't own Torchwood. Or Monty Python. Or any of these philosophical theories. Or pretty much anything else.

Still a Good Sign by Any Standard

Tosh pondered the screen in front of her – the information on it was telling her one of the strangest things she had ever heard. Ok, so the Rift was unpredictable – it wouldn't be the space-time split they all knew and loved if it wasn't – and even last week's piano wasn't too much of a shock when you sat down and thought it through properly, but this…

"Jack?"

"Toshiko Sato? What have you got for me today?"

"You know that Rift alert which you and Ianto investigated last night? When you couldn't find anything that had come through?"

"Uh huh."

"Well look." Tosh drew her chair back so that Jack could take a proper look at the screen.

Jack read the article, blinked, and read it again.

"What is it?" Gwen called out as she wandered over, wondering what had got Jack so intrigued.

Jack summarised it for the rest of the team's benefit. "Apparently there were mass reports of weird experiences round the Cardiff Bay area last night."

"'Weird experiences'?" Ianto echoed, a questioning tone to his voice.

"Visions, strange voices, odd dreams… that sort of thing."

"What kind of odd dreams?" Owen asked, looking up from the scalpel he was toying with.

Tosh answered this time: "They've got quite a few people claiming that they saw the Virgin Mary, or heard God's voice speaking to them. And some Hindus who saw Shiva. Plus there are reports of people who've been converted by it, and a reformed burglar as well." She smiled brightly. "I suppose that's alright then."

Owen frowned and turned back to tossing his scalpel. Gwen studied him thoughtfully. "Your flat overlooks the Bay, doesn't it? Did you experience anything like that last night?"

"Yeah." Owen said, then realised they all wanted more explanation than that. "I had a dream and lo! – an angel came down from heaven and spake unto me and said 'Owen Harper, thou hast had too much to drink again. This pleaseth the Lord not, for thou hast sinned in his eyes.'" Owen looked up at them all. "Happy?"

"Seriously?" Gwen asked, her eyebrows raised to match Ianto's.

"Well, skip a few 'thees' and 'thous' and you get the general gist of it." Owen sniffed. "So, did any of you receive personalised divine messages?"

They all shook their heads, Jack adding; "Sounds like you're favoured, O Owen."

Owen snorted in reply. "I'd just had too much to drink, alright? Don't knock it."

"So you're saying that everyone in the Bay area got drunk last night?" Tosh asked disparagingly.

"Maybe it was something in the air." Ianto suggested. "Hallucinogens, or something, that came through the Rift."

"Hang on." Gwen said slowly. "Weren't you at the Hub last night, Jack? Surely that would be in radius?"

Jack shrugged. "Nothing. Maybe we're too deep underground. And that would fit with the air-borne drugs explanation. Or it could be your boyfriend's explanation." He winked at Gwen.

Gwen frowned for a while, then realised what he meant. "Oh! The psychotropic drugs in the water supply thing! When you first told me there were aliens! I'd forgotten that!"

Ianto tilted his head to one side and mouthed 'retcon?' at Jack. Jack nodded quietly in return. He really needed to write himself a memo reminding him to investigate how Gwen managed that. Or alternatively he could give her the memo and retcon her again and see whether or not she remembered… Jack looked up as he realised Tosh had just asked him a question.

"What I said was – there might have been a physiological cause like you just mentioned or it could have been real."

"You mean they all experienced God?" Owen asked sceptically. "En masse? Look Tosh, it was just some kind of delusion or something, and people interpreted it religiously because they'd been brought up that way."

"So you were brought up religious, were you?" Gwen had pounced on that almost as soon as he said it, but the others ignored her.

"How would you tell if it was real anyway?" Ianto asked.

"I think real religious experiences are meant to have certain characteristics, though not always the same set." Jack explained. "How about we do a tick list with you, St Owen?"

Owen just glared in reply, so Jack continued. "Right. It's got to be passive, which is true because Owen didn't cause it or want it, and neither did any of those other people. It's got to impart knowledge of God you wouldn't otherwise have – in this case that God doesn't like Owen's booze-ups."

"I thought he could have guessed that from the hang-overs." Ianto quipped.

"…It's got to be indescribable..."

Tosh frowned. "But Owen could describe it."

Owen shrugged. "Not properly. There was this weird feeling too, like, like… oh I dunno."

"Indescribable." Jack repeated. "And the effects are long-lasting. You considering giving up drink, holy Owen?"

"No."

"Well, three out of four isn't bad."

"It doesn't prove it's from God though. It could have had all of those and it could have told me to murder you all – would it still be from God then?"

Ianto looked thoughtful. "I guess you'd only say it was from God if it told you to do something that agrees with his rules. Murdering us all probably doesn't do that."

"Alright then." Owen challenged them all. "So how come some other guy saw Krishna, or whatever? Surely the fact that we saw different things shows it wasn't divine?"

"Well, if they're indescribable, everyone will translate it in different ways using what they know already." Gwen pointed out. "So if you're a Hindu you won't see Mary. There!"

"You still can't prove it! Even if I became a bloody teetotaller you couldn't prove it!"

"But it's still possible." Tosh said reasonably. "After all, there are a lot of people out there right now claiming that God did speak to them. That's a lot of evidence."

"And you'd just believe them, would you?"

"You can't go around assuming that everyone is lying to you all the time. It wouldn't work." Ianto replied.

"Unless you're talking to Gwen Cooper."

"Owen!"

"Well, obviously you'd get rid of known liars." Ianto rejigged his argument a little.

"Ianto!"

"Gwen!" Owen mimicked, but Jack stepped between them.

"Owen, stop teasing her before you get smited. As for the rest of you, we've got work to do. I want drinking water samples and air quality samples and whatever other samples you can think of. Until we've done that I don't want any more arguments about whether or not this was real. Understood?"

Owen raised a hand. "It's the Sabbath. Since I'm now holy, I shouldn't have to work."

"It's Saturday, Owen."

The doctor didn't even blink. "I've converted to Judaism."