Chapter 4: Isle Esme
As we got closer and closer to our final destination I became overwhelmed with anxiousness and nervousness. Was this going to work? Were we really going to have a honeymoon? Normal honeymoon was out of the question, we were never going to have a "normal" honeymoon with Bella as a human. But I promised we would try.
"Houston?" She asked when we reached the gate in Seattle.
"Just a stop along the way." I assured her with a grin. She hadn't a clue where we were going.
As we boarded the plane she seemed a little tired and fell asleep within ten minutes. She was like an angel when she was sleeping. So fascinating to watch. She was so peaceful.
Our flight from Seattle to Houston was nearly four hours. Waking Bella was easy, she thought she'd barely slept thirty minutes, she was quite surprised when I told her it was more like four hours. She seemed exhausted and groggy as I pulled her through the terminals. She struggled to keep her eyes open, but within a couple minutes she was fine, and wondering where she was.
"Rio de Janeiro?" She asked with slightly more trepidation as we reached the international counter.
"Another stop." I told her.
The flight to South America was much longer than the last flight we were on, but Bella seemed more comfortable as I wrapped my arms around her as she fell asleep. As the hours passed Bella woke up to the light of the setting sun slanting through the plane's windows. She seemed more alert than the last flight.
As we exited the airport Bella seemed shocked, as if we were going to connect with another flight. But instead we took a taxi through the dark, teeming, living streets of Rio. "To the docks." I said to the taxi driver in Portuguese. Bella smiled at me once hearing me speak Portuguese, she seemed stunned and amazed.
Once we arrived at the docks I led Bella down the long line of white yachts moored in the night-blackened water. Once we got to the end of the dock I leaped into Carlisle's boat with the baggage. I dropped them on the deck then turned to help Bella carefully over the edge. Bella watched me in silence as I prepared the boat for departure, surprised I'd guessed, as I never mentioned an interest in boating before.
I started the engine and we headed due east into the open ocean. I sped forward hoping to get to our destination in time and also because I loved the speed. The curiosity that Bella seemed to have suppressed finally got the best of her.
"Are we going much farther?" She asked.
"About another half hour." I said with a grin as I looked at her hands clenched tightly on the seat.
Twenty minutes passed and I called Bella's name over the roar of the engine.
"Bella, look there." I said as I pointed straight ahead. I wonder what she's thinking, she's awfully quiet.
"Where are we?" She murmured in wonder as I shifted course, heading around the north end of the island.
"This is Isle Esme." I said with a smile.
I slowed the boat and positioned it against the short dock. I cut the engine off and the silence that followed was profound. There was nothing you could hear but the waves, slapping slightly against the boat, and the rustle of the breeze in the palms.
"Isle Esme?" She said.
"A gift from Carlisle--Esme offered to let us borrow it." She became silent and then frowned. Why did she frown? Was it something I said? Maybe I'm just over analyzing things. Just let it go.
I quickly placed the suitcases on the dock, then turned and pulled Bella into my arms. She seemed just right there.
"Aren't you supposed to wait for the threshold?" She asked with a grin.
I smiled. "I'm nothing if not thorough."
Gripping the handles of the streamer trunks in one hand and cradling Bella in my other arm, I carried her up the dock and onto a pale sand pathway through the dark vegetation. She was light as a feather.
For a short while it was pitch black in the jungle-like growth, I noticed Bella was having a hard time seeing what was in front of her until she saw the light from the house. Her heart began to thud loudly and her breath seemed to get stuck in her throat. I couldn't help but worry about her, was she going to faint? I stared at her face, trying to decipher what she was thinking, but she never met my gaze. I didn't try asking her what she was thinking because maybe she was just as nervous as I was.
I set the suitcases on the porch to open the locked door. I looked down at Bella before I stepped through the threshold.
I carried her through the house, flipping on lights as I went, both of us very quiet. She seemed to be thinking of something as her eyes were wandering from room to room. I finally stopped and turned on the last light. It was the room we would be staying in. It was big, and white. Outside, the moon was bright on the white sand, and just a few yards away from the house, glistening waves. The only thing that Bella seemed to focus on though, was the rather large white bed in the center of the room, hung with billowy clouds of mosquito netting. I finally set her down on her feet.
"I'll…go get the luggage." I said nervously. I ran quickly to get the bags from the porch and came back to Bella's side. I saw a bead of sweat on the nape of her neck. I must have set the thermostat too high. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Swiftly, I caressed the back of her neck, wiping away the drop of perspiration.
"It's a little hot in here," I said apologetically. "I thought…that would be best."
"Thorough." She murmured under her breath, and I chuckled nervously.
"I tried to think of everything that would make this…easier." I admitted. She swallowed loudly, facing away from me, thinking to herself.
"I was wondering…," I said slowly. "if…first…maybe you'd like to take a midnight swim with me?" I took a deep breath to gather myself. "The water will be very warm. This is the kind of beach you approve of." What was I thinking? "This is the kind of beach you approve of." Come on Edward, keep it together, remember what Carlisle told you and it will be fine.
"Sounds nice." She said, interrupting my thoughts.
"I'm sure you'd like a human minute or two…It was a long journey." That will also give me time to get my nerves in order. She just nodded. I slowly leaned in against her throat, just below her ear. I chuckled once, out of nervousness, and whispered. "Don't take too long, Mrs. Cullen." Smooth. She jumped a little. Then I brushed my lips down her neck to the tip of her shoulder, leaving a trail of kisses. "I'll wait for you in the water." Then I walked past her to the French door that opened right onto the beach. On the way I shrugged out of my shirt, dropping it on the floor, and then slipped through the door into the moonlit night.
I didn't care how long she took, as long as she was ready, I was ready, I didn't want to force her to do anything. After a while I heard her talking to herself, she said something like "Don't be a coward." That made me laugh. A few minutes later I heard her coming, out of respect for her I didn't turn around. I just stood in the waist deep water, staring up at the oval moon. I heard her tip-toe to the water's edge, she waded through the weightless current until she was right beside me. She then placed her hand lightly over my hand lying on the water.
"Beautiful." She said, looking up at the moon, too.
"It's all right." I answered, unimpressed. I turned slowly to face her and saw how beautiful she was. Her body was flawless, her curves, her skin, was a work of art. Simply Beautiful. My eyes met her gaze as I twisted my hand up so that I could intertwine our fingers together beneath the surface of the water.
"But I wouldn't use the word beautiful. Not with you standing here in comparison."
She half-smiled, then raised her free hand and placed it over my chest. I shuddered a bit at her warm touch and became more nervous.
My voice was more rough now. "I promised we would try." I whispered. "If…if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once."
She nodded solemnly, keeping her eyes on mine. She took another step forward through the waves and leaned her head against my chest. 'Don't be afraid. We belong together." She murmured.
I wrapped my arms around her and began to hold her. "Forever." I agreed.
As we laid in the bed I began to think about last night. What did I do? I'm a monster, I could have almost killed her. A few moments later Bella woke to the hot sun on the bare skin of her back. She didn't open her eyes, but I knew she was awake. She was lying on top of me, my arms wrapped around her, to keep her cool. As I was thinking I began to run my fingers down the contours of her spine. I didn't speak. I just moved my fingers up and down her back, barely touching her as I lightly traced patterns on her skin. Was she ok?
She began to laugh. "What's funny?" I murmured, still stroking her back. Her stomach then growled and she said. "You just can't escape being human for very long." I did not laugh, but instead was contemplating whether or not what we did was safe for Bella. She soon fell silent as well, then propped herself up on her elbows so she could see my face. I refused to look at her, too ashamed of what I had done. Instead I looked at the canopy above us.
"Edward," She said, with a strange little catch in her throat, "what is it? What's wrong?"
Does she not notice the pain I've caused her? "You have to ask?" I said in a cynical voice.
I finally looked at her face, she seemed confused, so I smoothed the worry lines on her forehead.
"What are you thinking?" I whispered curiously.
"You're upset. I don't understand. Did I…" She didn't finish her thought.
My eyes tightened. "How badly are you hurt, Bella? The truth--don't try to downplay it."
"Hurt?" She repeated in a higher tone than usual, she seemed surprised.
Is she only pretending? She had to notice the pain by now. I raised one of my eyebrows in disbelief.
She then stretched her body, tensing and flexing her muscles, making a quick assessment. She seemed to realize what I had been referring too, but then became angry.
"Why would you jump to that conclusion? I've never been better than I am now." She said with frustration.
I closed my eyes. "Stop that." I said out of frustration as well.
"Stop what?"
"Stop acting like I'm not a monster for having agreed to this."
"Edward! Don't ever say that." She whispered, even more upset now. I didn't open my eyes, I couldn't look at her now.
"Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I'm not a monster." She must have done as I instructed because I heard her gasp, that made me shudder.
"Why am I covered in feathers?" She asked, confused.
I exhaled impatiently. "I bit a pillow. Or two. That's not what I'm talking about."
"You…bit a pillow? Why?"
"Look, Bella!" I almost growled. I took her hand and stretched her arm out, gently. "Look at that."
This time she saw what I meant.
I lightly placed my hand against her bruises on her arm, one at a time, matching my fingers to the patterns.
"Oh." She said.
"I'm…..so sorry, Bella." I whispered while staring at her countless bruises. "I knew better than this. I should not have--I am more sorry than I can tell you." I threw my arm over my face out of shame. She became very still for a while, then touched my arm. I did not respond. She then wrapped her fingers around my waist and tried to pry my arm off my face.
"Edward." She said perplexed. I didn't move.
"Edward?" She said confused, she became tired of my behavior.
"I'm not sorry, Edward. I'm…I can't even tell you. I'm so happy. That doesn't cover it. Don't be angry. Don't. I'm really f--"
"Do not say the word fine." I interrupted. "If you value my sanity, do not say that you are fine."
"But I am." She whispered.
I moaned. "Bella. Don't."
"No. You don't, Edward." She said with irritation. At that moment I moved my arm, astonished.
"Don't ruin this. I. Am. Happy." She told me.
"I've already ruined this." I whispered.
"Cut it out!" She snapped.
"Ugh!" She groaned. "Why can't you just read my mind already? It's so inconvenient to be a mental mute!" My eyes began to widen a bit, distracted by her last comment.
"That's a good one. You love that I can't read your mind." I said.
"Not today." She retorted.
I stared at her for a while. "Why?"
She threw her hands up in frustration, her palms falling on my chest with a smack. "Because all this angst would be completely unnecessary if you could see how I feel right now! Or five minutes ago, anyway. I was perfectly happy. Totally and completely blissed out. Now--well, I'm sort of pissed, actually."
"You should be angry at me." I said.
"Well, I am. Does that make you feel any better?"
I sighed. "No. I don't think anything could make me feel better right now."
"That," She snapped. "That right there is why I'm angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward."
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Was I the only one seeing my fault in all of this?
She took a deep breath and swallowed in irritation. "We knew this was going to be tricky. I thought that was assumed. And then--well, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. And this is really nothing." She brushed her fingers along her arm. "I think for a first time, not knowing what to expect, we did amazing. With a little practice--" My expression was of horror and then she broke off mid-sentence. Did she actually believe that we would try again? And put her life in danger again? That was out of the question.
"Assumed? Did you expect this, Bella? Were you anticipating that I would hurt you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment to be a success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones--that equals a victory?" I was confused by her way of thinking.
She waited for me to get my emotions out. Then she waited some more until my breathing went back to normal. When I was finally calm she answered me. "I didn't know what to expect--but I definitely did not expect how…how…just wonderful and perfect it was." Her voice dropped to a whisper and then she looked down. "I mean, I don't know how it was for you, but it was like that for me." Of course it was like that for me as well. It was amazing!
I pulled her chin back up so that I could look her in the eyes. "Is that what you're worried about? That I didn't enjoy myself?"
Her eyes stayed down. "I know it's not the same. You're not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can't imagine that life gets any better than that." Is that what she was worrying about before? I became quiet for a long time, just thinking to myself. Finally she looked up at me.
"It seems that I have more to apologize for." I frowned. "I didn't dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn't…well, the best night of my existence. But I don't want to think of it that way, not when you were…"
She began to blush and smile. "Really? The best ever?" She asked curiously.
I took her face in my hands, still introspective and said "I spoke to Carlisle after you and I made our bargain, hoping he would help me. Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you. He had faith in me, though--faith I didn't deserve." She started to protest but I put two fingers over her lips before she could comment. "I also asked him what I should expect. I didn't know what it would be for me…what with my being a vampire." I smiled halfheartedly. "Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperatures, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part--you had already altered me so completely. I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood. But I've tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than that…I don't think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more."
"It was more. It was everything." She said.
"That doesn't change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you really did feel that way."
"What does that mean? Do you think I'm making this up? Why?" She said with frustration.
"To ease my guilt. I can't ignore the evidence, Bella. Or your history of trying to let me off the hook when I make mistakes."
She grabbed my chin and said "You listen to me Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn't even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. I've never been so happy in all my life--I wasn't this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me, or the first morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me…Not when I heard your voice in the ballet studio"- I flinched when she recalled that horrible memory- "or when you said 'I do' and I realized that, somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest memories I have, and this is better than any of them. So just deal with it." She said unashamed.
I saw that she had the same frown line on her forehead again and I smoothed it out. "I'm making you unhappy now. I don't want to do that."
"Then don't you be unhappy. That's the only thing that's wrong here." I guess I see her point.
I took a deep breath and nodded. "You're right. The past is past and I can't so anything to change it. There's no sense in letting my mood sour this time for you. I'll do whatever I can to make you happy now."
She examined my face suspiciously, and I gave her a smile.
"Whatever makes me happy?" She asked. At that same moment her stomach growled with all it's might.
"You're hungry." I said quickly while I leaped out of bed, stirring up a cloud of feathers. I guess that reminded her.
"So, exactly why did you decide to ruin Esme's pillows?" She asked while shaking some feathers from her hair. At that moment I was already in the doorway with a pair of khaki pants on, dislodging a few feathers of my own.
"I don't know if I decided to do anything last night." I muttered honestly. "We're just lucky it was the pillows and not you." I smiled.
Bella carefully slid off the high bed and stretched again. I couldn't help but gasp, she had more bruises than I thought.
"Do I look that hideous?" She asked. I did not answer her, because obviously she didn't look hideous, but I just didn't want to argue with her again about my wrong doings.
She began to walk in the bathroom and examine her body in the fill-length mirror behind the door. She looked at her hair and then suddenly groaned.
"Bella?"
"Ugh! I'll never get this out of my hair!" She pointed to her hair where a pile of feathers had laid. She's thinking about her hair at a time like this?
"You would be worried about your hair." I said while pulling feathers out.
"How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous." She said. I didn't answer, instead I concentrated on picking feathers out of her hair.
"This isn't going to work." She sighed. "It's all dried in. I'm going to have to wash it out." She turned around to face me and wrapped her hands around my waist. "Do you want to help me?" She asked with a strategic smile.
Trying to steer clear of another batch of bruises I changed the subject quickly. "I'd better find some food for you." I left the room and quickly headed for the kitchen while Bella began to shower. After about ten minutes she came into the kitchen. Once she walked in I slid the omelet I had just made for her onto a light blue plate waiting on the counter.
"Here." I said turning with a smile.
She sat in one of the two metal chairs and started eating the eggs, she ate them in a few bites.
I sat down across from her and noticed her growing appetite. "I'm not feeding you often enough."
She swallowed and reminded me "I was asleep. This is really good, by the way. Impressive for someone who doesn't eat." I laughed.
"Food Network" I said flashing her a smile.
"Where did the eggs come from?" She asked. What an odd question.
"I asked the cleaning crew to stock the kitchen. A first for this place. I'll have to ask them to deal with the feathers…" I trailed off when I noticed another bruise, but this time there was a small one on her head. I did not mention it because I didn't want her or I to become upset.
After Bella was finished with the first round of eggs, I made a second round. She was finally stuffed.
"Thank you." She said as she leaned across the table to kiss me. I kissed her back at first, but then stopped afraid that it would lead to something more. She gritted her teeth and said "You aren't going to touch me again while we're here, are you?" As much as I would love to I just can't risk hurting her again. I hesitated then smiled and raised my hand to stroke her cheek in a playful manner.
"You know that's not what I meant." She said with frustration. I began to chuckle, then I sighed and dropped my hand.
"I know. And you're right" I paused. "I will not make love with you until you've been changed. I will never hurt you again." I hate disappointing her, but it's the best thing to do.