A Strike of Lightning

by FollowingButterflies

A hunter meets a college student, both trying to hide who they really are. Ten years later they meet again, both running from who they are. Reaper Dean Winchester has been struggling through life ever since that night - the night that forced him to become who he is - but for Castiel Novak-Reeves coming back into his life changes everything. If only time and fate were on their side.

4. Part Three: Less I Care About The Fall

Running around chasing hearts
Chasing bodies to fix the parts
I don't know how I reached this place
So far from heaven, so far from grace

Drowning Shadows / Sam Smith

*D*

After returning to the house Dean's mind couldn't switch off. He tired pacing around his room for a while but that did nothing. In the end he chose roaming around the large mansion. It seemed like a good idea as that could easily take up hours. He ignored the lower levels of the mansion, instead he ventured to the upper levels. The levels that felt older and less lived in.

The air felt thicker the further Dean went into the north wing. Dean got the feeling that the part of the house wasn't used as much as the other parts. The air had a musty smell to it that reminded Dean of Bobby's place in South Dakota. He doubted that if he went searching he would find ancient leather bond books about werewolves, chupacabras or ghouls in the Novak-Reeves's library.

He felt the other person's presence before he heard the faint footsteps against the hardwood floor. A bright red soul, dancing across the skin like rippling water. It wasn't Cas but the soul sounded similar.

"Dean? Are you lost?" Jimmy asked. Despite how identical they looked on the outside Dean could see so many differences between Castiel and Jimmy. His soul was so much more stable than Castiel's and it times Dean noticed that it thrummed under his skin in perfect timing to Amelia's. If there was ever two people meant to be together it was Jimmy and Amelia.

"Oh, I was just looking around and I guess I took a wrong turn." Dean said glancing around the hallway. Jimmy's eyes followed him as he looked round and once again Dean found it strange how much Jimmy looked like Castiel and yet there were clear differences between them. Jimmy carried himself with more light, the pressure of running the Novak-Reeves empire not on weighing down his shoulders. "Hey, I'm sorry if I shouldn't be up here."

"Don't worry, its fine Dean. No one really comes up here apart from my brother and he hasn't used this studio in a while." Jimmy said nonchalantly.

"Studio?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, Castiel used to use this space as his personal art studio before our father became ill." Jimmy said. Dean remembered the stunning line art he had seen in Castiel's notebook all those years ago. "He hasn't been in there in a while though."

"Do you think he would…would he mind if I had a look?" Dean asked. "I remember Cas' art from when I was in Boston and it was always good." He elaborated.

"I don't think he minds anything anymore." Jimmy said sadly as he motioned for Dean to follow him down the hallway. He opened the door at the end of the hall and at first all Dean could see was light. It filled a large room, larger than some apartments, painted white. Every surface was covered in art supplies: paints ranging from acrylic to watercolour to oil, charcoals, pencils, paintbrushes and other tools. Half completed canvases were pushed against the walls and filled every easel. The distinctive line art Dean saw in Boston was everywhere. This room had so much of Castiel's soul ingrained in it Dean could barely breathe. The smell of wood, paints and must was imbedded into every surface.

"When was he last in here?" Dean asked.

"About six months ago, it may have been seven. He doesn't paint much anymore but when he does there's always a reason behind it. He couldn't sleep and when I couldn't find him in the kitchen I came up here." Jimmy said as Dean moved from one canvas to another. "That was what he was working on when I found him." Jimmy said pointing over to the smaller of the canvases. Dean stopped when his eyes fell on it. Leather and beaded bracelets, several with anti-demonic sigills carved into them, peeked out of a clean white shirt. Silver rings adorned a freckled hand. A smile broke out on Dean's face as he ran his hand over the unfinished work.

"Man, he's so talented." Dean remarked as he admired the work.

"He always was." Jimmy said almost wistfully. "He told me all about the night you two met. He was very drunk when he told me the story but from what I gathered you made quite an impression on him." Jimmy added as he watched Dean's hand run over the canvas. "He wanted to call you for weeks after, I think he even did once but the phone went to voicemail. Our parents never knew this and either does Amelia so you don't have to worry about your cover story."

"Cover story?" Dean's heart began the hammer against his chest at Jimmy's words.

"You're the officer, well the guy pretending to be an officer, who questioned Cas about Rachel's death." Jimmy said and Dean stilled, his hand hovering over the canvas. "You said your name was James Stark but Cas figured out it was a fake name instantly. He's always been a fan of Rebel Without A Cause. I don't know why you're here but I'm guessing it's for Cas."

"It's complicated Jimmy." Dean said, his voice wavering much to his annoyance.

"Listen Dean, Cas is my brother and my best friend. We've been best friends since we were born. I just want the best for him." Jimmy said as he fixed onto Dean with a firm look. Dean felt his skin begin to itch at Jimmy's stare. That panicky feeling he got was working its way through his blood until he felt completely cold.

"What exactly are you getting at here Jimmy?" he asked resisting the urge to scratch at his skin. The dark smoke under his skin thrummed heavily.

"I was lucky. I was the second born so I never had the pressure put on me as much as Castiel did." Jimmy explained.

"I guessed as much when I met him."

"Castiel wanted to go to art school but ended up at Harvard instead. He wanted to be an artist but due to our father's will he's becoming the CEO of the family company instead. During high school and college he was constantly terrified that people only wanted him for our money or our family. He was closed up from a young age." Jimmy explained as he absentmindedly picked up a paintbrush and set it back down on the nearest table. "He's lived his whole life following the orders of our parents apart from when he was in Boston. He had friends, real friends, and for a moment I think he had you."

"We barely knew each other back then in Boston." Dean said. "We don't really know each other now."

"Oh please Dean, I've never seen Cas look at other people in same way he looks at you." Jimmy scoffed. "I just don't want either of you to fuck up whatever is going on between the two of you. I got lucky, I found Amelia, and I want Cas to have a bit of luck in his life."

"This is more complicated than you realise." Dean said.

"I'm not an idiot Dean, I know you care about Cas, you wouldn't be here if you didn't."

"I'm not the one for your brother Jimmy. I'm not a good person."

"You were there for Cas after Rachel died. You believed his story about the thing that killed her and you listened to him. That makes you a damn good person in my books." Jimmy said bluntly.

"I…I should go and find Cas or…I don't know." Dean mumbled, suddenly feeling like the room was far too small and stuffy. Jimmy raised his eyebrows but didn't say a word as Dean hurried out the studio.

He returned to his room and tried to let his mind wander but he just couldn't switch off. He wished he could just sleep, just close his eyes and drift off, but that wasn't possible. His brain wouldn't stop going over everything that was happening.

He lay like that for hours until finally Dean gave up. He changed out of his clothes and into a simple pair of jeans and a dark Henley. Even though it was the early hours of the morning Dean slipped out his room and slowly made his way to Castiel's room.

Dean gently knocked on Castiel's door and waited for it to open. It took a few moments for the door to open and soon Castiel was stood in front of him looking incredibly tired. The bruises under his eyes were a deep purple and his normally blue eyes were rimmed red.

"Dean? What are you doing here?" Castiel was dressed in just a lose pair of sweatpants and a loose sweater.

"I'm guessing you can't sleep." Dean said. Castiel shrugged his shoulders with a tired smile on his face.

"I tried but I can't switch off my brain." Dean knew that feeling. "What are you doing here?" Cas asked.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" Dean suggested. All he wanted to do right now was take to the open road and never look back but he wanted so desperately to save Castiel, he couldn't flee but he could get out of the mansion with Castiel.

"Dean it's…it's gone past midnight. What would you want to even do?" Castiel asked. This time it was Dean's turn to shrug his shoulders. "Give me a minute." Castiel said motioning for Dean to follow him into the room. Dean followed and stopped in surprise once he was inside Castiel's room. If he thought the guest room he was in was large then it was nothing compared to Castiel's grand room.

"Fuck…this place is huge." Dean said looking around the room. He couldn't see the walls for space taken up by canvases or bookshelves. Dean couldn't help but notice just how neat the room was. There wasn't a thing out of place apart from a lone coffee mug and stray book on Castiel's bedside table. "This is like the size of the house back in South Dakota. How do you not get lost?" Dean asked as he took in the room.

"With great difficulty." Castiel said as moved around his room picking out a pair of sneakers and a hooded sweater. "I'm guessing that you want to leave the house." Castiel pulled on his sweater. "I can't blame you at all, I could do with some time away."

"Then let's get outta here." Dean said with a grin. He felt lighter now that he knew he'd been leaving the house for just a few hours without having to be surrounded by Castiel's family or people who worked with him.

"Follow me, I'm guessing you'll probably enjoy this." Castiel said motioning for Dean to follow him. They left Castiel's room and Dean followed as Castiel navigated them down staircases until they came to a large set of double doors. Castiel gave him a smile before he threw open the doors.

"Holy shit." Dean gaped as they walked into what turned out to be a huge garage filled with cars and motorbikes. "Dude this is incredible." Dean gasped as his hand ran over the nearest car. "Is this...is this a 1967 Aston Martin?" He asked looking over at Castiel with awe.

"Yeah, it belonged to my grandfather."

"Holy shit." Dean said breathily. "I'm in heaven right now."

"I thought you'd like this." Castiel said smiling over at Dean. That smile was breath taking.

"Like it? Man this is awesome. Makes me miss my baby like crazy though." Dean said as he felt a pang of longing for his car.

"Your baby?" Castiel asked.

"My Chevy Impala, most beautiful thing you've ever seen." Dean said. "It was my dad's and I grew up in that car. He started to let me drive it when I was sixteen and it was the best day ever." Dean said as they slowly made their way through the cars.

"Come on then, there's somewhere I want to show you." Castiel said as he led Dean over to a sleek black car. Dean let out a low whistle.

"Buick Riviera? Nice man." Dean said as he ran his hand over the hood of the car.

"My father loved collecting classic cars. I thought you'd like to drive it."

"Me?" Dean asked raising his eyebrows. "You trust me to drive the car?" Castiel nodded. "You'll have to give me directions to where we're going though." Dean quipped as they slid into the car and Dean gently gripped the steering wheel. "So, where to?" he asked glancing over to Castiel.

"I'll give you directions and you can find out when we get there." Castiel said giving Dean a smile that lit up his whole face. Dean watched with fascination as Castiel pulled out his phone and used an app to open the garage door.

Dean let out yet another low whistle as the large garage doors slowly rose up. "Fuck man, that's like something out of some soap opera."

"No it's just pure laziness. You find that the more money someone has the less work they put into the everyday things." Castiel said as Dean started up the engine. The car purred into life and just being behind the wheel of a car again was soothing to Dean. It made him miss his baby that was back with Sam in South Dakota but he pushed that to the back of his mind, he was here in New York with Castiel and he had to remember that.

Dean pulled out of the garage and drove off the estate, all the while he slowly began to feel more free the further away from the estate he drove. The music on the radio was quiet and Castiel's voice as he gave directions was incredibly soothing. Dean slowly felt himself growing more comfortable in the car as they drove away from the estate. After about ten minutes Castiel sat in straighter in his seat with a smile on his face.

"It's just here, turn left." He said and Dean did just so. As he turned a small beach came into view, the waves gently lapping against the pale sand. Dean glanced over at Castiel and was surprised to see a relaxed smile on his face.

Once Dean had parked the car the two men climbed out and slowly walked across the pale sand. Castiel's smile became more brilliant as they grew closer to the sea. There was a shimmering under his skin, one that Dean hadn't seen before. Getting away from the mansion had definitely been a good idea.

Waves lapped against the sand as the two men continued to walk, slowly nearing the water's edge. They sank into the sand maybe a foot away from where the waves stopped and Dean once again marvelled over the smile that was lighting up Castiel's face.

"Jimmy and I used to come down here all the time when we were kids. We used to ride our bikes out from the estate and spend hours just sat on the beach reading or studying. Sometimes I'd bring my sketch book down and sketch the waves and stuff like that." Castiel explained. "We stole my father's car once." He said almost nonchalantly. Dean spluttered loudly.

"You stole his car?" He asked.

"Yeah, we were…God I think we were fifteen and annoyed about something, I can't for the life of me remember what it was now. We snuck into the garage and took one of his cars. We drove down here and spent the whole day sat on the beach. It was great." Castiel said still grinning. "Well until we got home. Both of us were grounded for a month and given very long lectures on responsibility and family image. It wasn't even about annoying our father, Jimmy and I just wanted a small sense of freedom and we got that by driving."

"I used to drive Sammy places when my dad left me his car. It wold be just the two of us and it was great." Dean said.

"Could you tell me about your family?" Castiel said as he leant back in the sand, his face angled up towards Dean's. Dean sighed and gently chewed on his lip.

"I don't really talk about them…it's…it's a sore subject."

"I think we're past sore subjects with one another Dean."

"Fine…shit…I was born in Lawrence, Kansas and lived there until I was four. My…my mom died you see. She was killed by a demon and it burnt our house down." Dean breathed in deeply as he remembered the smell of smoke. He glanced over to Castiel expecting him to look shocked at the mention of a demon but he just stared back and nodded, encouraging Dean on.

"I got Sammy out, he was only a baby at the time. After that we lived on the road, we grew up in motels and in the Impala. Sometimes we'd stay with our 'Uncle' Bobby in South Dakota but then Dad would come back and we'd be off again." Dean heard himself say. "When Sam reached high school age I made him stay with Bobby. I'd dropped out of school and was hunting with my dad full time. The night I met you…we were hunting the thing that killed your friend. We found it and it…I…"

"It attacked you?" Castiel guessed.

"It killed me. I was dead. I got given this option to come back and I took it. I had to. I couldn't leave Sammy or my dad and…and it helped me find the demon who killed my mom. I didn't want this but it was something I had to do." Dean said.

"And you've done it ever since?"

"Yeah, I try to spend time with Sammy but it's hard. He's living a normal life with his girlfriend Jessica. They're going to get married one day, I can just tell. He's going to have the normal life he should have had from the beginning. Smokin' hot wife, freakishly tall kids and a bunch of dogs. Probably golden retrievers. If you met my brother you'd understand."

"And you? What will you do?" Castiel asked.

"Do this until I don't have to anymore then try to make a life for myself. I'll probably end up hunting again, it's the only thing I've ever really done and the only thing I know what to do. It's in my blood. My mom was a hunter and so were her parents." Dean said smiling sadly as he remembered Mary. She had been dead for so long but he could still remember her golden hair and perfect smile that so many sad she'd passed on to Dean.

"Do you ever dream of doing something else?" Castiel asked.

"Do you?" Dean retorted.

"Dean, I know you think I've wasted my life-"

"No I just think you haven't been living it." Dean said bluntly. "Sorry but it's true. I think you could be so much more than this."

"Most people would say that I'm living." Castiel said. "Helicopter to work, a house I have got lost in on more than one occasion-"

"Fucking hell man that's not living. Damn, if I had your money I would do something crazy like bungee jump off a bridge, go on a yearlong road trip around Europe or some shit like that. I'd see the world." Dean said. "Sitting in a huge office while your assistant makes you coffee isn't living."

"You're a bit of a dick you know that? Did this shit storm of a situation make you like this or were you always an asshole?" Castiel asked.

"Oh I've definitely always been like this."

"Good, because I hate to think that I've turned you into a grumpy fucker." Castiel said and when he starting snickering Dean realised that the asshole was joking with him.

"Oh I'm the grumpy fucker?" Dean questioned. "So there's two guys sitting on a beach and I'm certainly not the grumpiest fucker out the two."

"Am I really sat on a beach talking to a…a 'reaper' about who is or isn't the grumpy fucker?" Castiel asked shaking his head. "My life is officially crazy."

"You go to work in a helicopter, your life is already crazy."

"Thanks Dean…thanks for that."

"You're welcome Cas." Dean said. "By the way…I think you should start painting again."

"What?"

"I saw your stuff, I kind of took a wrong turn and ended up in your studio with Jimmy…I asked him if it was ok for me to be in there before you freak out or anything. Your stuff…your stuff is really, really good. You should carry on with it." Dean said. Castiel stared at him for a long time, his face a mix of emotions Dan found impossible to read.

"Do you want to go back to the house?" Castiel asked. "Because if not then there's one stop I want to make."

"Go ahead" Dean said as he slowly pulled himself up off the sand. He held out his hand and helped Castiel back up and they both walked back to the car. Dean motioned for Castiel to get into the driver's seat, with Dean sliding into the passenger's seat. Castiel gave him a small and the two settled into a pleasant silence with nothing but the radio playing. After a few minutes they pulled into a graveyard just as dawn began to break.

"I haven't visited yet and I wanted to before...well it felt like the time to visit." Castiel said as they parked in the small lot. Dean wondered if he should wait in the car up Castiel motioned for Dean to follow him so he climbed out the car, locking the door behind him, and walked alongside Castiel through the cemetery. They walked in silence among the headstones until they came to a very new looking one, much more conservative and modest than Dean thought it would be.

Charles Emanuel Novak

1950 - 2014

Loving husband and father

Castiel stood in front of the headstone in silence for several minutes, all Dean could hear was the sound of the wind rustling through the trees. Even Castiel's soul was quiet.

"Do…do you want me to leave?" Dean asked hesitantly. He made to move away but this time it was Castiel that stopped him with a hand on his arm. Dean felt a lurch in his stomach which he tried to ignore.

"No, please stay." Castiel said before taking a deep breath. "Um…hello father." Castiel said towards the headstone, his voice breaking with nerves. "I'm sorry for not visiting...I was never sure what to say but...well I'm not sure you can even hear me but I wanted to be here before anything happened." He coughed, clearing his throat, and glanced over at Dean before looking back at his father's grave. "You'll be happy to hear the company is doing well...um...we all miss you but we're coping. Mom is busy planning the wedding. Jimmy is...well Jimmy is Jimmy and I'm..." Castiel stopped and Dean saw the hitch in his throat.

Without even thinking Dean moved so he could take Castiel's hand in his own, holding onto it tightly. Castiel looked at him with surprise but didn't pull his hand away. He took another deep breath before speaking again.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." Castiel finally said. "I should have been there but I wasn't and I'll never forgive myself for that. Something has happened and I haven't been given much time so I guess that has forced me to think about my life. I'm sorry I ran to Boston and hardly came home. I needed freedom but I took it too far. I'm sorry it took me so long to come home and..." Another hitch and Dean tightened his grip on Castiel's hand. Colours were pulsating under his skin, dancing through the silver like beams of light.

"I'm sorry I've resented you my whole life. You only wanted the best for us and you wanted the company to be left in good hands. I can't keep hating you for thinking that the right person was me. I'm sorry and I wish I could have this to you before. I don't know if I'll be able to come back so...so...goodbye father." Castiel's voice was barely a whisper by the one he finished speaking. Dean's grip never loosened. They stood in silence for several minutes until Castiel turned to look at Dean, tears in his eyes. "I'm ready to go." He said. Dean nodded and went to let go of Castiel's hand but this time it was Castiel who tighten the grip.

They walked hand in hand back to the car as as the sun rose higher in the violently red sky.

"Are you ok?" Dean asked when they got back to the car.

"I wasn't there when he died" Castiel said. "I was away on business and by the time I got back it was too late. He'd died and I never got to say goodbye."

"I'm sorry Cas." Dean's hand was still holding onto Castiel's. "You really never wanted any of this."

"None of it but I've learnt not to wish for the things I want...a career, a life...people..." Castiel said trailing off, his eyes meeting Dean's. The bright blue eyes were swimming with tears and burning into Dean's own eyes. Dean found it impossible to look away.

Do it, please do it. Dean heard Castiel's soul begging desperately.

"You sure?" Dean asked. Castiel nodded his head.

Dean closed the small amount of space between them and his lips pressed against Castiel's. When was the last time he'd kissed someone? If had to have been years. Jo had kissed him after John's funeral but apart from that Dean had lived a nomadic life, sporadically being in the company of his brother or Bobby, Ellen and Jo.

"What was that for?" Castiel asked breathily, his chest rising and falling.

"Boston...I should have done that in Boston. I knew even back than what it's like to have a life you never asked for so...so that was for Boston." Dean explained, his lips still tingling the kiss. He hadn't realised how starved he'd been for human contact or simple comfort. "We should get back to the house...your family should be awake soon."

"Can you drive? Without it sounding weird I like watching you drive."

"Sure Cas, sure." Dean said with a smile.

*C*

Castiel could barely breathe as Dean drove them back towards the estate. Dean had kissed him, Dean had closed the space between them and kissed him. Castiel never thought it would happen but now…now it changed things. It changed their relationship and their current situation.

He wondered for a moment if it had ever happened before, if Dean had kissed someone he'd come to take but Castiel doubted it. Dean was so closed off, not letting people in, that Castiel couldn't imagine him doing so. No, Dean had kissed Castiel not because Castiel was going to die but because of that one evening of history they shared.

At least that was what he hoped for.

"Dean…" Castiel said nervously.

"Yeah?"

"You said that I wasn't living and if…if you can find a way to save me then I don't want to waste my life. I've thought about it and I'm going to give my brother control of the company." Castiel said and as the words left his mouth he felt lighter than he had in weeks. "I don't want Zachariah getting his hands on everything my family has built and really it should have been given to Jimmy, not me, after my father died. He should be in charge and I, well I should do whatever I want to do with my life." He glanced over to Dean and was shocked to see the other man smiling, really smiling.

"I've never seen your soul look so bright." He said by way of explanation. On hearing those words, Castiel had never felt so free.

Once back at the house Dean said he was going to take a walk by the shore which gave Castiel some free time. It was almost natural that he found himself heading towards the library. He hadn't stepped foot inside the room since Dean had arrived and given Castiel his news.

He selected a book from one of the shelves, it was an old favourite Castiel hadn't read for years. Soon he was lost in the words though his bran was still going over the kiss between him and Dean.

"Castiel can we have a word please?" Naomi asked from the doorway. Her presence made Castiel jump but he nodded anyways. She made her way into the library almost timidly and instantly Castiel felt on edge. His mother was everything but timid.

"Of course, what did you want to talk about?"

"We haven't spoken much in the last few months and…well with your father passing and you taking over as CEO, I feel as though we should have a talk." Naomi said. She sat down opposite Castiel, her legs cross at the ankles.

"What is this about mother?" Castiel asked because he sensed there were several things that Naomi wanted to say.

"Castiel, I know that taking over the company wasn't what you wanted in life and that you would have preferred to study art at college and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your father and I put so much pressure on you to follow in his footsteps, it wasn't the right thing for us to do."

"I'm…I'm not right for the job mother." Castiel said finally admitting to the truth he had tried to hide from. "I'm not the right man to lead the company and everyone knows it. I've tried so hard to be like father but I'm not him and I never could be. I think…I think that I should do something now before we lose the company."

"What do you mean Castiel?"

"I'm going to hand over the role as CEO to Jimmy, he wants it and he would be much more suited to the role. He's always been the family man and the one to stay close to home. I've never really wanted it." Castiel said.

"You're walking away from what you father wanted of you?" Naomi asked. "You can't honestly tell me that you're thinking of doing this. This is ridiculous Castiel! Jimmy wasn't prepared for this like you were."

"Jimmy wasn't forced into this like I was mother. I never wanted this, Jimmy did so I'm giving him what we both want."

"You don't want this anymore?"

"I never did." Castiel said rising from his chair.

"Where are you going?" Naomi asked. Castiel shrugged, pretending that he didn't know but in reality there was only one place in the entire Novak-Reeves mansion that he wanted to be in at that time.

*D*

Dean had been alone for not five minutes before he felt Tessa's manifestation.

"So, out of bright ideas?" Tessa asked as she leant again the railing. "I'm guessing that's why you're out here."

"Why are you here?" Dean snapped. It felt wrong for Tessa to be on the Novak-Reeves property, she didn't belong here and her presence just reminded Dean that maybe he didn't belong either.

"Time's run out Dean, today is your last day. Castiel is gone tomorrow." Tessa said still sounding far too nonchalant. Dean ground his teeth together as Tessa's eyebrows raised. "Run out of good ideas then? I told you, his soul is too tired and broken."

"It's not-"

"If it's not broken then you wouldn't be taking him tomorrow." Tessa said her words were like a punch to the gut. Dean winced at her words and the look on Tessa's face told him that she was enjoying this.

"You really get a kick out this don't you?"

"No I don't, I really don't Dean. I just don't think that you should walk around acting so high and mighty when you're just like the rest of us." Tessa snapped. "I gave you more time because you felt like you could make a different but you really can't can you? No, no you can't so don't you dare say that I enjoy this. You don't know anything about me." Without another word Tessa was gone and Dean was stood on the pier completely alone.

Dean made his way back towards the mansion. The house was quiet but that really wasn't much of a surprise, a place that huge hardly made a sound. Suddenly Dean felt a pang that reminded him of homesickness. All he wanted to do was be back home in South Dakota with Sam and Bobby. He wanted to see Ellen and Jo preparing for a hunt. He wanted to see Jess smile at Sam like he was the only man in the world.

Like a flash another image came to Dean's mind. He saw Castiel sat in Bobby's tiny kitchen. He was laughing at something Sam had said while Jo handed him a cup of coffee so strong it could wake the dead. Castiel said thank you before he turned towards the doorway where Dean was stood. Castiel's smile lit up the whole room and Dean saw the knowing look between Sam and Jess. The knowing look that, for Castiel, Dean was the only man in the universe that mattered.

He had to find Castiel.

Dean hurried through the house until he found himself in the kitchen. Jimmy was sat at the table with a large mug of coffee in front of him and a thick paperback in his hands.

"I have no idea why Amelia is obsessed with this book. The main character is a whimpering bitch." Jimmy muttered. He glanced up and gave Dean a smile. "Want a cup of coffee?"

"Nah, I'm good. Have you seen Cas anywhere?" Dean asked. He hadn't seen Castiel for the best part of the day and it was starting to make him feel nervous.

"He was in the library earlier on but I haven't heard from him since." Jimmy said. "You could try his room but I don't think he's there." He added.

"Don't worry…I think I know where he could be." Dean said leaving Jimmy to his paperback. With a nervous feeling in his stomach Dean slowly walked towards Castiel's studio in the least used part of the house.

"Cas?" Dean called out as he unhurriedly walked into the studio. He stopped in surprise when he saw a huge stretched canvas, at least six feet high, propped up against the farthermost wall. A riot of colour spread across the canvas, giving of a sense of rage that Dean could practically taste in the air. Dean was so focused on the sight of the canvas that he nearly missed Castiel sat on the only piece of furniture in the room, a long couch, with his head in his hands. His chest was rising and falling rapidly as if he'd been crying. "Cas?" Dean asked though this more apprehensively.

Castiel raised his head and instead of red rimmed eyes Dean saw nothing but steely determination. As Dean stepped closer he saw that the normally bright white light of Castiel's soul was cracked with red, almost like veins. Indignation surged like a frenzied river current under Castiel's paint splattered skin.

"I didn't think you came up here. Jimmy told me you never did any of this anymore." Dean said and Castiel actually scoffed. "What changed things?"

"My impending death is what changed things Dean." Castiel said pushing his body up off the couch and stretching out. His clothing, a soft looking grey t-shirt and loose jeans, were both splattered with paint just like Castiel's skin. "I just…I woke up this morning and I wanted to paint. I didn't care about going into the office or answering calls, emails and text messages…I just wanted to paint." Castiel explained as he moved towards the canvas. "I can't seem to think of anything to do so I can prove I deserve to live…I can't…I just can't anymore."

"So you're giving up?"

"Dean-"

"No Cas…I gave up six more months of having to do this so you could get more time! Six months Castiel!" Dean snapped. "I just…you had so much in you when we met that I thought I could do this but you've just given up and that's bullshit!"

"You don't know anything Dean-"

"I gave up six months-"

"I'm giving up my life!" Castiel yelled.

"This isn't a life! You're not living your damn life and you would just listen to me then maybe you could be saved but you won't!" Dean roared back. "Do something for yourself for once in your life Cas!"

"Oh yeah? I don't see you do that anytime soon Dean." Castiel said icily.

Surging forward Dean no longer cared about their situation. He didn't even care that technically they were fighting in the moment. He captured Castiel's lips in a crushing kiss as he remembered all those years ago when he'd reached out to the witty and blunt business major who had seen real grief. For one frightening moment Dean thought Castiel would push him away, disgusted by the mangled soulless mess Dean had become over the past ten years but instead his arms flew around Dean's neck. Biting kisses and scrambling hands flew across Dean's skin as Castiel pushed him against a near blank canvas.

It was a fight for control but soon Dean realised he didn't care who won, he just cared about being with Castiel and never letting go. He never wanted to let go.

It took a moment for him to realise that Castiel was pulling him away from the canvas and towards the nearby couch. Dean could stop, he could pull away before anything happened but God, he wanted this so damn much. He'd wanted this ever since that night in Boston really. The paint from Castiel's hands was smeared across Dean's arms as they sunk down onto the couch. Clothes were hastily pulled away between biting kisses and Dean watched with awe as the painted mixed with the smoke like souls that ghosted under their flesh.

"Dean you're beautiful" Castiel whispered between kisses.

"Cas-"

"No." Castiel said more firmly before kissing Dean furiously on the lips. "Before you say it, the darkness that you think pollutes your soul only makes the radiance, the goodness, in you shine brighter.
You are a good man for whom terrible things have happened to." Castiel said, his hands grasping onto Dean's skin. "You are not a monster."

No one had ever said these things, no one had ever looked at Dean like this before and he couldn't wrap his head around it. Every kiss and touch made him feel so alive, more alive than he had felt in years and he could barely breathe.

They were skin to skin, the heat almost burning and threatening to engulf Dean in all entirety. Castiel bit down on Dean's lower lip causing the man to gasp loudly, the sound echoing around the studio. Castiel's hand gripped onto Dean's skin, fingers digging into muscle changing Dean's gasp to a deep groan of pleasure.

"Tell me if I hurt you." Dean whispered. Castiel snorted and crushed his lips against Dean in a hot, wet kiss full of desire.

"You can't hurt me Dean, I'm nearly dead after all." Castiel whispered back.

"Don't, don't say that." Dean growled as he gently pressed against Castiel's entrance. "Don't say it please." Dean pleaded because he couldn't think about that, he couldn't think about how he'd failed Castiel. All he could do was love him in the most simple and human way possible.

"Then do everything you can to make me forget." Castiel whispered into Dean's ear, his breath sending waves through Dean's body. With a loud gasp Dean's hand roamed over Castiel's chest, along his waist and down to his hip bones. Those hips bucked up making Dean chuckle ever so as he steadied them before his hands drifted down along Cas' strong, muscular thighs. His course fingers dug into the thick muscle causing Castiel to groan loudly and crash his lips against Dean's.

"You're amazing Cas…" Dean said between frantic, biting kisses. Colours danced across Cas' skin like a watercolour painting. Dean couldn't believe that this man, this beautiful man, was really with him. He was a stunning work of art with his flushed chest and plush lips redden from Dean's biting kisses.

With a gentleness that Dean didn't know he possessed he worked at Castiel's muscles until Cas was nothing but a quivering work of art in Dean's arms. For the first time in ten years Dean felt alive. He felt blessed.

"Please Dean, please." Castiel whispered into Dean's ear before he gently nipped it. A low growl rumbled in Dean's chest and Castiel chuckled into the man's ear then nipped it once again. Lacing his fingers through Castiel's and gripping on his hands tightly Dean pushed, finally bottoming out with a guttural noise at the back of his throat. Castiel captured his lips as Dean began to work a rhythm that quickly became more and more frantic. He wanted this to last; damn he never wanted this to end but after so much build up and ten years of memories of bright blue eyes, Dean could barely hold on anymore.

"Dean I'm close." Castiel said. That all but did it. Taking Castiel in his hand Dean matched the frantic rhythm until both of them were falling over the edge.

"I'm handing the company over to Jimmy." Castiel said sleepily as Dean rested his head against Castiel's warm chest. "Zachariah can never be given control and if I hand over the reins to my brother I'll know the company is in safe hands. He wants it more than I do."

"Hannah would be happy with that, I could never see her working for Zachariah." Dean replied.

"I'll worry about them, I'll worry about them all but…but I know my mother will be able to cope and Jimmy will be the right man to run the family." Castiel gently ran his hands over Dean's skin making goose bumps appear despite the warmth of the room. "Dean…does it…what's it like?" he asked. Dean stopped and his blood ran cold.

Whenever anymore asked him what it was like, what it was like to die, he always reassured them that it was simply like falling asleep but those people were always strangers, people who hadn't changed Dean's life in the ways Castiel had. Dean couldn't lie to him.

"Folks say it's like falling asleep but it's not. It's like every part of you is being suffocated. You can't breathe, you can't scream or see and you can't do shit all to stop it. You just have to accept the darkness that overcomes you." Dean said hating the words he was saying but Castiel deserved to know.

"Should I be scared?" Castiel asked.

"If you were alone I'd say yes but you won't be, I'll with you to guide you…I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I thought I'd be able to find a way to save you but I really failed and I'm sorry."

"Dean you did everything you could and if you hadn't of tried to find a way to save I wouldn't have found you like this, this wouldn't have happened." Castiel said moving ever so slightly so he could look up to Dean. "I was just beyond saving."

"Cas-"

"No, no more apologies Dean. Just sleep, I like the idea of my last night's sleep being with you."

Castiel fell asleep first, his arm draped across Dean's bare chest as they curled up together on the large couch. A thin cotton sheet was draped over them but the studio was incredibly warm anyway. Dean could have happily laid there forever with his body pressed against Castiel's. He couldn't though, come tomorrow and he would have to take Castiel and ruin the lives of a family he'd grown to care for.

Dean awoke up alone. He had expected Castiel to wake up but he thought Castiel would wake him so he was surprised to see the studio empty apart from him. With a sigh Dean got dressed and went to leave the studio in order to find Castiel until he saw a note with his name written on it. A sketch accompanied the note, clearly done by Castiel's own hand judging from the familiar line art.

His breath hitched in his throat as he looked down at the sketch. It was of Dean asleep with his head resting against the couch cushions, Castiel must have woken up very early in order to sketch this. It was perfect, beautiful even and Dean had never seen his own face captured in such a way before.

On the back of the sketch Castiel had written a quote Dean wasn't sure he recognised but it had been written in flawless handwriting that belonged to Castiel.

"I don't suppose I really know you very well – but I know you smell like the delicious damp grass that grows near old walls and that your hands are beautiful opening out of your sleeves and that the back of your head is a mossy sheltered cave when there is trouble in the wind and that my cheek just fits the depression in your shoulder."

Dean could barely contain the smile that spread across his face as he took in the quote and moved on to read Castiel's note.

Dean

Please do not think I've have left you alone because I regret last night. I don't regret it at all, in fact it's one of the very few things in life I don't regret. I never thought that it would happen between us, even if I had hoped so never think that I regretted it in any way, shape or form.

I had to leave early and go into the city to the office. There are certain things I have to discuss with the board in light of my impending fate such as Jimmy taking over as CEO and protecting the company from the likes of Zachariah and other board members. I will return soon.

I give you all my love as it is everything I ever wanted to give you, it is all I have to give.

Cas

Dean stared down at his skin, his heart racing as he realised what he was seeing. Before he would have seen the deep black curling under his skin like smoke, his soul so darkened by his life that he could barely stand to look at it. Now instead of pitch black smoke there was the slightest of grey rippling under his skin like paint stained water. As he continued to stare the grey seemed to ripple with the palest of blue.

He had to talk to Tessa. He had to talk to Tessa now.

Dean hurried out of the studio and through the hallways of the Novak-Reeves mansion until he came out near the large kitchen and dining room. From the doorway of the kitchen Dean spotted Amelia sat at the table, her blonde hair pulled messily from her face as she sipped a cup of tea, a book in front of her face.

As if she realised that someone was stood there in the doorway Amelia looked up but still jumped until she realised it was Dean and sighed loudly.

"Oh Dean it's you!" Amelia said as she clutched at her chest dramatically. "I hate being in the house by myself, it's too big and my brain always goes overboard. Cas isn't here, he's gone into the city for a few hours."

"I know, he left me a note." Dean said, a smile spreading across his face as he remembered the letter Castiel left for him.

"Did he now?" Amelia asked cocking an eyebrow mischievously. Dean could feel the tips of his ears reddening even though he tried to fight it.

"No work today?" Dean asked. He knew Amelia worked hard at the hospital so for her to be in the mansion was a surprise.

"No, I've been on all day shifts for the past few days so I've got a day off. It makes a nice change to actually be able to sit and read a book for once. I've been trying to read this for four months now." Amelia said waving her book for Dean to see. It was the same book Jimmy had been reading before.

"That must suck." Dean commented as Amelia returned to her tea and book.

"You get used to it." Amelia said with a shrug. "Are you going to wait for Castiel?"

"I have to go out for a while, talk to my brother and stuff." Dean elaborated. "I won't be long."

"Well Jimmy, Naomi and Castiel should be back later on then we can grab dinner." Amelia said.

"If Cas comes back then tell him I went for a walk." Dean said. Amelia gave him a knowing look but until he spoke to Tessa Dean wasn't sure if there was anything to smile about.

He was only out on the pier for a few minutes before he felt Tessa's familiar presence. She leant against the pier and looked Dean up and down. Her eyebrows were raised and from the pissed look on her face Dean had interrupted something.

"It wasn't the change in Castiel's soul that I had to prove, it was the change in mine." Dean said before Tessa could say anything.

"Excuse me?" Tessa asked looking over Dean's body with raised eyebrows. She had to see the change, the lightness of his soul that was no longer pressing against his skin like a heavy weight. "Dean what happened? What did you do?" she asked with narrowed eyes.

"I knew him. Castiel. I knew him before this. I met him that day, the day that you came for me. We met and I spent a long time afterwards thinking of him. These past three days I've grown to…Tessa I've grown to love him." Dean admitted, the words spilling out of him in his quest to save Castiel. "You wanted proof that Castiel's soul was strong, could the soul of a weak man change me in this way?" Dean asked concentrating so his soul rippled against his skin, the lightness brighter than ever before. "It was never about his soul changing, it was about mine."

"Dean…"

"You wanted proof and here it is. His soul is strong. It is not his time."

"It's not his time?" Tessa asked, her eyes still narrowed.

"Cas doesn't want to die and he's proved that. His soul isn't weak and…fuck it Tessa, I'm in love with him." Dean said and God, did he mean it. It was insane but he had fallen in love with Castiel.

"So you proved that he wants to live and you proved that his soul was strong? Now what? What do you expect to accomplish from this? What are you going to get?"

"What do you mean?" Dean asked, his stomach sinking.

"You can't be with Castiel when you're still like this." Tessa said bluntly.

"What the hell do you mean?" Dean snapped as his pulse began to quicken. This couldn't be happening…it couldn't.

"You can love him, he can love you even but you can't be together." Tessa said slowly and incredibly patronisingly. "We have to sacrifice things for this and that is one of the things we have to sacrifice. We are not meant to love."

"After everything that I've been through I have to give him up?" Dean asked. He could feel the rippling under his skin and slow red began to flow among the pale blue. Tessa looked at his skin and shook her head.

"While you're like this you can't be with him. You can't be with him when you can see the colours dance under his skin or your own. You can't be with him when you hear everything his soul is creaming. You have to walk away Dean, you have to." Tessa said.

Surprisingly her face softened as she looked over Dean. Tenderly she reached out and placed a hand on Dean's arm. Dean tried to move it away but Tessa clung on. "I'm sorry Dean, I know it sounds like I'm not but I am. You did what you wanted to do and if things were different-"

"But they're not different so I can't be who I want to be or with, that's what you're saying isn't it?" Dean pressed.

"Yes Dean, that's what I'm saying." Tessa said removing her hand away from Dean's. "Where is he?"

"Castiel?" Dean asked. "He's at his office in the city talking to the board. He doesn't want any of the responsibilities that his father placed on him. He's handing the company over to his brother Jimmy, it's what they both want really." Dean explained. Tessa frowned, her face crumpling and reality dawned on Dean. "I can't say goodbye to him can I?"

"No. It's over and once it's over you have to leave. Those are the rules Dean and you can't just go breaking them even more than you already have." Tessa said. "Don't try and think your way out of this either, there is no way around it. We are not meant to be loved Dean."

"This is fucking bullshit." Dean snapped. For the first time ever Dean saw actual concern on Tessa's face. There was so much pity etched onto her skin that it made Dean feel sick.

"Dean…I am sorry. I know you don't believe me but I am."

"I don't want your pity! I want to say goodbye to the man I've fallen in love with! I want to just be with him and not give a shit about anything else. I want the next six months of my life to be my own!"

"Well you can't! Why can't you get it through your thick skull? Just walk away before you hurt him, before you hurt yourself."

"Just go Tessa, just go."

"I can't leave unless you come with me."

"I will…I will. I just…I just need a moment."

"If you're not back in South Dakota by this evening then I will be back." Tessa said before leaving Dean stood alone on the pier.

Fuck, Dean was so screwed.

*C*

"Castiel?" Hannah called, sticking her head round the door of Castiel's office. Castiel looked up from his desk, forgetting momentarily where he was. "Jimmy's here to see you." Hannah added. "You want me to grab you two coffee or anything?"

"No thank you Hannah, we'll be fine." Castiel said.

"Ok, just call if you need me for anything." Hannah said.

"Why did you want to talk to me Cas?" Jimmy asked as he stepped into the office. Castiel watched as his twin brother took in the room, he could see the confusion written all over Jimmy's face and even a tinge fear.

"I've been thinking a lot recently, a lot, and this is something that probably should have happened a long time ago." Castiel said. He looked over his desk until he found the paper he was looking for. All the while he could see Jimmy growing more and more nervous. "There's nothing to be scared about Jimmy, I mean it." Castiel added while he handed the paper over. Jimmy's eyes scanned over the page until he looked up with eyes full of shock.

"Is this what I think it is?" Jimmy asked.

"Yes, it's all there. You just need to sign it."

"You're handing the company over to me?" Jimmy said as he looked over the contract Castiel had drawn up. "You're making me the CEO? Why?"

"Because I don't want it anymore. I never really wanted it and never really cared for it. You wanted this though. You always understood the things Dad was talking about while I was more concerned with y art or when I could leave New York or this damn house. You're the right person for the job, not me."

"So you're just handing it over to me? What will you do?" Jimmy asked, Castiel simply shrugged his shoulders. "You're not even concerned about what people will think? What has mom said?"

"Look, I'm tired Jimmy." Castiel explained. "I'm nearly thirty and I can't remember the last time I slept through the night or was truly, giddily happy. I just want some time and some freedom."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this, I really can't." Jimmy said, shaking his head at his twin. "You've worked so hard when it comes to the company and fulfilling what dad wanted of you and now you're just handing it over to me…just like that?" Jimmy shook his head, clearly unable to understand Castiel's intentions.

"I've already filed this with my attorney and there are copies of this document back at the office. It's official Jimmy, as of this moment I've stepped down as CEO." Castiel shrugged his shoulders, unable to think of anything else to do to show his feelings.

"What if I don't want this Castiel?" Jimmy asked. "What will you do then?"

"But you do want it, you've wanted it ever since we were kids. You were the one with the head for business and an interest in the company while I was more at home in a studio with my art."

"Why now Castiel? What's happened?"

"I…so many things have happened in such a short space of time." Castiel admitted unable to look at his brother for a moment longer. He could feel Jimmy's eyes boring into him but Castiel couldn't look back, he knew if he did he would tell his brother everything.

"Come on Cas, please just be honest with me." Jimmy implored. "Just tell me what is going on with you."

"I…it's…it's not something you can really explain."

"It has to have something to do with Dean, he turns up after so many years and suddenly it's like you've changed overnight. I mean, I saw you smiling and you never smile."

"I do smile." Castiel said. Jimmy gave him a look and Castiel had to admit he couldn't really remember a time before recently when he did smile. "Ok…maybe you're right."

"You're still not going to tell me are you?" Jimmy asked sighing with exasperation and Castiel shook his head. He knew he was infuriating his twin but he couldn't do anything to stop it. "You really mean this though, you're really going to hand the company over to me?"

"It's what our father should have done in the first place Jimmy, it's the right thing to and it will make everyone happy."

"Will it make you happy? That's the main question here Cas, will you be happy?" Jimmy asked. Castiel stopped and really thought, he was slowly severing all the ties that bound him to the earth and resolving hidden feelings. Without that he would be free, free to leave with the knowledge that his family would be able to cope without him.

"I think…I think it would make me very happy." Castiel said smiling over at his twin.

"Then I accept." Jimmy said. Without warning he pulled Castiel into a tender hug that last a long time. "Thank you for this Cas, you'll never know how thankful I am."

"I could probably guess." Castiel said. He gave himself this luxury of hugging his brother. He knew it would most likely be the last time he ever hugged him.

Later that evening, once Castiel and Jimmy were back home, Naomi announced that they were going to have a family meal. True they ate dinner together most evenings. Whenever Naomi announced that they were having a family meal it was a bit different. It mainly required everyone to dress in a suit, or in Amelia's case a fancy dress, and sit uncomfortably for an hour.

"Are you nearly ready Castiel?" Naomi asked from the doorway of Castiel's bedroom.

"This isn't going to be another excruciating family meal is it?" Castiel asked warily. Naomi rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh.

"No Castiel it's not, this is just going to be a small family dinner but please dress smartly." Naomi said giving her son a long suffering look. "I don't fully agree with your plan to hand control over to your brother but your father always said your judgement was solid. I guess this is something I will just have to get used to."

"Thank you for being so accepting mother and…" Castiel coughed as he felt a lump rise in his throat. "And thank you for everything."

"What has gotten into you recently?" Naomi asked looking closely at Castiel. "You're normally pricklier than this."

"I'm not prickly."

"Castiel dear, I love you but you are a prickly person." Naomi said. "Now what has gotten into you?"

"Nothing mother, nothing at all. I just wanted you to know how grateful I was for everything." Castiel said.

"I'll never really understand you Castiel, Jimmy is so straight forward but you…you really are something else entirely but I love you."

"I love you too mother."

"Now go and get dressed, dinner will be ready soon. I've had the chef pull out all the stops." Naomi said giving Castiel a rare smile.

"I can't wait." Castiel said and he meant it, he couldn't think of a better way to spend his last night than with the people he loved.

He quickly dressed in one of the more immaculately cut suits he knew his mother preferred. Normally Castiel would have worn something much simpler but he had to admit that Naomi was right. The suit did fit him better, the elegant cut hugging his figure in a way his other suits did not. As he looked at his reflection in the mirror Castiel was hit with so many conflicting feelings.

This was it.

He was scared, he was completely blind as to what was going to happen but he knew that he wouldn't be alone. His family would be ok, the company his family worked so hard to build would be in safe hands. Yes, he was scared but he wouldn't be alone and that was all he cared about.

He no longer wanted to be alone.

Calmly he made his way downstairs. Jimmy and Amelia were already in the dining room with Naomi. His mother still looked shocked over the news that Jimmy would become CEO instead of Castiel but, from the very full wine glass clutched in her hand, she seemed to be getting over it. The only person Castiel couldn't see was Dean.

A sinking feeling settled in Castiel's stomach as he looked around the room. Amelia caught his eye and Castiel watched as her face broke out into a huge smile. Jimmy must have told her about the news. Castiel slowly made his way over and wasn't surprised when Amelia pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you." She whispered into Castiel's ear. Amelia had always known that Jimmy would have been the best person for the job.

"It's ok. We always knew he would the best person for the job, even if my mother doesn't want to admit it." Castiel said. "You…you haven't seen Dean anywhere have you?"

"Not for a while, funny enough he was looking for you earlier on. I haven't seen him since then though." Amelia said giving Castiel a knowing look. Before the look would have irritated Castiel but now he really didn't care.

Amelia placed a hand on his arm and nodded over towards the main entrance to the dining hall. Castiel made his way over to the other man without even a second thought.

"Dean." Castiel said breathily as his eyes fell onto Dean. "I've done it. I've given control over to Jimmy and my mother was accepting of it, she given agreed that it was for the best. Everything will be alright…it will be painful but I can't think they'll grow to understand."

"Cas-"

"No, I know you're going to say that you're sorry that you couldn't save me but you did in a way. You gave me the chance to right the wrongs in my life and I'll forever be thankful for that. I…I guess I'm ready." He was as well. He thought he would be scared but Dean would be with him, Dean would make sure he wasn't alone in this and that's what Castiel wanted. He wanted Dean by his side until the end.

Dean pulled Castiel into a chaste kiss, so very different from the passion filled ones they shared back in the studio but Castiel could still feel every emotion Dean had inside of him. Castiel's tongue pressed against Dean's lips but instead of letting him in Dean pushed away. His hand resting ever so against Castiel's chest. A sigh that sounded closer to a sob escaped Dean's lips. That made Castiel nervous as he couldn't think as to why Dean would sob. Even though he hated it Castiel pulled away so he could look Castiel in the eyes.

"What's wrong Dean?" Castiel asked, his bright eyes narrowed as he took in Dean's face.

"You're not going anywhere." Dean said quickly and Castiel's stomach jolted almost violently as Dean's words sunk in. "I did it, I did what I set out to do."

"You mean…I can…I can stay?" Castiel asked. Dean nodded and Castiel's face broke out with a smile so wide it almost hurt. Castiel surged forward and pulled Dean into a kiss that was anything but chaste. "This is incredible Dean." Castiel said between the kisses. Dean tried to pull away and Castiel couldn't understand what was happening. "Dean? What's wrong?" Castiel asked searching Dean's face for the truth. "Dean?"

"I shouldn't even be here but I had to tell you that this whole thing was over." Dean said, his face looking completely crestfallen. None of this made sense, Dean should have been joyous over Castiel being able to stay.

"And by 'this' you mean…what exactly?" Castiel pressed, the sinking feeling in his stomach was making Castiel feel violently sick. Dean's face was a battle of sadness and conflict. "Dean what is going on?"

"Goodbye Castiel." Dean said swallowing loudly but Castiel could still hear something akin to a sob.

"Dean? Dean what do you mean 'goodbye'?" He asked. "Where are you going? You can't go."

"I have several more months of this life and while I'm like this I can't be with you." No, this couldn't be happening. This could not be happening.

"So…so what? You're leaving?" Castiel asked.

"I have to Cas and I'm so sorry." Dean said moving out of Castiel's reach. "I…I wanted you to know that I feel the same way…in your letter…I feel the same. I needed you to know that." Dean stammered out.

"You can't just say things like that then walk away Dean!" Castiel said. He'd never given anyone his love or heart in the way he'd done with Dean and he couldn't believe this was actually happening. His breathing grew shallow as Dean's words sunk in. "I can't believe this is happening." He spat out.

He'd opened himself up to Dean and let the man see so many parts of him that he'd hidden from the world. Dean had seen him at his most fragile and Castiel had grown to care for the other man. In the space of just a few days he'd grown to love Dean. Maybe that attraction had been there ever since the night in Boston but now…now Castiel had been willing to give his heart completely to Dean.

That meant nothing if he could not be with Dean.

"I can't believe this is happening." He whispered as his voice threatened to break. He could not cry though, he could show weakness when his soul had just been confirmed as strong enough to live.

"Cas I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you but I can't be here right now…I can't be with you when I'm like this." Dean whispered in the same broken voice as Castiel. He coughed, as if trying to find some resolution. "Cas I don't want to leave, I don't but I can't be here." Dean said. With a frustrated growl Castiel moved closer causing Dean to hop back. "Cas I'm sorry but I can't. If this was eight months down the line I would stay and never leave but when I'm like this I can't stay."

"Then…then go…go." Castiel said even though that was the last thing he wanted. He was being given his freedom, freedom with his life and with his career. He wanted to be with Dean when celebrating that freedom.

"Cas…Cas I'll be back." Dean implored, his voice sounding so fractured it was painful to hear. Castiel really wasn't sure if he could carry on listening to this. He wasn't sure if he could go through watching Dean leave and not know if he was really coming back.

"I want to believe you Dean, I really do-"

"Then believe me." Dean said. He finally closed the space between him and Castiel by crashing his lips to Castiel's. Castiel sunk into the kiss and gave it everything he had left in him. He poured all the feelings he had bottled up inside of him and gave Dean everything he had. "Believe me Cas." Dean whispered into his lips. "I promise that I'll be back."

Castiel watched Dean walk down the hallway, never taking his eyes away from Dean's slowly retreating figure. There were so many emotions crashing through his body, he felt like the lake outside that crashed against the rocks during summer storms. Every cell inside of him wanted to race after Dean and beg him to stay but that wasn't even a remote possibility. Dean had been given a job and he had to do that job regardless of the cost. Castiel caught one last fleeting look of Dean before he disappeared.

"Was that Dean I saw leaving?" Amelia asked as she came up to Castiel's side. "Is everything alright?" she asked when she saw the redness of Castiel's eyes.

"He's having to travel back home, something to do with his brother but he'll be back." Castiel fabricated. Amelia looked saddened by the news, she had grown fond of Dean in just a few short days.

"That's a shame, it seemed like the two of you got along really well." Amelia remarked. She handed Castiel a large glass of red wine with a small smile on her lips. "You'll be glad when he's back though."

"Yes…" Castiel lamented between sips of wine. "Yes I really will."

"I don't suppose I really know you very well / my cheek just fits the depression in your shoulder."