Kaneki Ken had his hands wrapped around his heart and every time it pulsed to push blood through his body it pushed into his fingers and blackened nails would dig deeper into his ventricles and the pain of what he had lost grew ever sharper.
Sometimes, Sasaki Haise would be Kaneki and Shuu would want to hold him and take small, sweet bites of his skin. Other times Shuu would feel a pit in his stomach because how dare he try to replace Kaneki and while they were kissing he would want to bite into his lips and tear the flesh mask he was wearing from his skull. His stomach would growl even though the imposter would never compare to how tantalizing Kaneki was, but the fire of his hunger was stoked by his rage.
Shuu had thought the resemblance would fade, that he'd grow bored of "Sasaki Haise". That he would become detached from Kaneki in his mind and he would be able to continue on his merry way. But, no, things couldn't be that easy. Every date, every time he brought the little lion back to his den he noticed more and more pieces of Kaneki showing up.
At this point, he was uncertain if he was starting to attribute Sasaki's traits to his memories of Kaneki.
Tainting them.
Sasaki liked old French movies and reading in the chair Shuu had sitting near the window, to look at the view. Shuu thought if Kaneki had ever become as close to him, he would have as well. Occasionally he would catch himself staring at Sasaki when he sat there, a flutter in his chest and stomach, and he wouldn't bother to remind himself that it wasn't Kaneki after all.
Sasaki sat up on the couch where they were laying, watching a movie. He pointed to the coffee table. "Ah, could you hand me my glasses? I can't read the subtitles."
The movie was a classic, and while Shuu owned the French copy he put on a copy with subtitles for the sake of Sasaki. His Sasake, as he would say- and as Shuu would never admit to thinking.
At some point Sasaki had started spending more evenings at Shuu's flat than not. The sight of his little white dove coat hung up by his door became one that was familiar, warming. That wasn't something any ghoul should be comfortable with, and wondered if he was perhaps letting his guard down. He worried about Sasaki noticing any little hints in his home that he was a ghoul.
Chie had given his flat a very human touch, what with food stuffed everywhere and...whatever else humans did. He was glad for that, as it probably steered Sasaki out of the right direction. His little mouse stayed out of the way for the most part, but sometimes she would stick her nose where it didn't belong. He cringed at a memory that rudely barged into his thoughts at that.
"Ah, be careful, this suit is a rental-" Sasaki had stammered as the door opened and they stumbled into the flat. Shuu was too busy kissing at his neck, trying to hold back from simply sinking his teeth into his throat, and being appalled at the fact that Sasaki didn't even own a suit (he would have to have him fitted, perhaps he would start dressing himself better, then) to notice the change in Sasaki's expression. It had dropped into one of sheer horror and it wasn't brought to his attention until he heard the stammering speed up and felt Sasaki push him away gently.
"Oh, I, uh, I didn't know you were, I didn't know you had a-"
Shuu looked up and followed his line of sight to Chie on the couch, sorting photos into folders on the coffee table.
"Non, non," Shuu spit out, rapid fire, "she is not my- this is Hori Chie, my roommate, of no relation. Chie is twenty-two."
Sasaki tried to keep his sigh of relief quiet. "Twenty-two," he echoed.
"Dermatologists hate me," Chie piped up, but not sparing the couple so much as a glance from her work.
"And Miss Chie was supposed to be out this evening," Shuu said through teeth grit into a smile.
"Yeah, I'm going out. But when you say 'night', I think you mean, like, two in the morning," Chie replied, finally looking up at them. Her expression and tone were playful, until her eyes fell on Sasaki. She went straight-faced. "I thought you stopped hanging around that guy."
Shuu furrowed his brows. So the resemblance wasn't only apparent to him; he hadn't been imagining it. Un coup du sort.
"Non, Chie, this is Sasaki Haise-kun," Shuu corrected for her, not wanting her to reference Kaneki any further both for the likelihood Sasaki would find it fishy and for his own sake. "From the CCG," he further stressed, so that she would catch on to not refer to his ghoul status.
Chie's eyes narrowed and she snorted, "You're an idiot. Just don't forget about me this time."
Without any ado, she scooped up her work at the coffee table and shoved it into a bag. His pet walked past them through the door without so much as a goodbye.
After that they were both too uncomfortable to continue with the plans they had had for the evening, and ended up simply watching a movie.
"Did you forget to put them on?" he asked, noting the difference of Sasaki's face. He liked it, Sasaki without glasses, it made him look more like Kaneki. Kaneki had never worn glasses, but it was a dolce image. He'd keep that in mind once Sasaki put them on, to cherish it.
"Oh, I only need them to read, really," Sasaki explained. "My eyes are getting better, so..."
"Your eyes are stunning, mon petit," he said, distracted. He stroked his fingers through white bangs and looked into them, grey reflecting blues from the screen. The eyes probably broke up the picture of Kaneki, but Shuu had never been able to get this close to him and really look. For Kaneki, the expressions his eyes told were always clear to see from a distance. And whenever Shuu would try to get too close that expression would turn sour or threatening and he backed off for fear of a kagune through his gut.
Sasaki smiled a small smile and his eyes flitted away from Shuu's. Embarrassment showed on his face. He turned his head back to the screen, but adjusted himself to lean into Shuu more.
Shuu cupped his cheek and turned his face back.
"The pattern in them is hypnotique. It's almost as if...there are stitches?"
Sasaki's face seemed to freeze up. "Ah, yeah, uh...there actually are."
Shuu inhaled sharply.
An urge overtook him, he leaned in closer and onto Sasaki and took his face into his hands.
He had to fight the impulse to press his lips to his eyelids and draw his tongue across the grey, wondering if the texture of his eye would have been affected at all. No, not on the surface, he told himself. It wouldn't affect the texture of the surface. Licking his eye wouldn't be worth it-
His fingers trailed softly down Sasaki's face, Sasaki closing his eyelids and allowing them to be touched.
Licking his eye wouldn't be worth it because to truly experience the sui generis texture he'd have to sink his fingers in and pluck it from its socket. Let it sit on his tongue to experience the variation in what was usually creamy.
He swallowed back the drool pooling in his mouth.
The prospect was so so very tempting, but he settled for planting soft kisses on his eyelids.
Maybe he would have just a taste, while Sasaki was sleeping. Just to see.
Sasaki sank down against the arm of the couch and Shuu's body followed, practically draping over him.
Sasaki let out a little hum. "It's scary to think about, isn't it? A needle in your eye."
Kaneki had once mentioned something like that, he recalled. So many little things would set him off.
They'd been sorting through files, somehow the topic had come up, Shuu couldn't really recall how.
"RC suppressants are injected into the eye, when the pills aren't...an option," Kaneki had mentioned, relevant to the papers Shuu was combing through.
"Where did you hear that, Kaneki-kun?" Shuu had responded, and he supposed it must have sounded quizzical. As if he was questioning whether Kaneki was sure in what he said, or if he was repeating some ghoul version of an old wive's tale.
There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Shuu turned to look at Kaneki, and the quiet air was shaken by a cruel laughter that bubbled out of Kaneki's throat. He opened his mouth to ask, but decided it best not to.
Kaneki looked him dead in the eye and Shuu was taken aback by the bright red he was met with. That deep colors of his single kakugan were usually a tell-tale warning for whoever met with its gaze. Shuu always found the sight breathtaking… mouthwatering.
He was taken just as unawares when Kaneki's hand shot out and gripped his jaw. Black nails dug into Shuu's skin, drawing blood and leaving bruises. A couple of Kaneki's fingers pushed past his closed lips and into his mouth. That would have been a welcome advance had they not been shoving against his teeth, pushing several back and out of their sockets.
"Hm, do you know how deep a needle can go into your eye?" Kaneki pondered aloud, his tone uneven. His other hand rose to Shuu's face, pulling down the skin just above Shuu's cheekbone, opening his eye wide. His next words came as a hoarse whisper, "Don't struggle or you'll see."
Shuu let out a whimper of Kaneki's name and Kaneki blinked slowly a few times.
Kaneki hastily retracted his hand and apologized before excusing himself from the room. Shuu just spat the teeth out into his hand- his worry at that moment was ensuring they wouldn't grow back in crooked.
In hindsight, he probably should have followed Kaneki and made sure he was okay.
But Sasaki wrapped his arms around Shuu and he forced himself to move from the thought, there was no changing how much he had messed up with Kaneki.
"Stuff of nightmares," Sasaki muttered. He looked away, seemingly embarrassed.
Shuu wondered if that was true. Sasaki didn't typically sleep well; he'd often wake Shuu up as well. He'd always apologize profusely afterward, but Shuu found himself reminded of Kaneki and couldn't bring himself to mind even when it was four in the morning and he'd been smacked in the face. Shuu hadn't often been under the same roof as Kaneki during the night, but the few times he had he hadn't been able to sleep a wink. He wondered how the others who lived with Kaneki had done it; Kaneki's nightmares were loud and violent, walking into his room in the morning would make him wonder if the place had been robbed. Sasaki wasn't as extreme as Kaneki had been. His were mostly contained into shivers and cold sweats. It was somewhat pathetic, like a puppy.
"Hm, yes, you spend enough time in my bed that I would know about that, mon cher."
Sasaki let out an annoyed groan and buried his face into his hands.
Sasaki certainly did spend a lot of time in Shuu's home. If, before, he had spent time with his coworkers after work then they may wonder where Sasaki had been wandering off to. It probably wasn't a suspicious thing, for someone to be forgoing spending time with friends in favor of a new significant other. But anything that could arouse any suspicion at all was of importance to Shuu. It was dangerous enough having one dove flitting about. Shuu enjoyed not being a briefcase, after all.
"I'm not keeping you from your friends, am I, Sasaki-kun?"
Sasaki fidgeted under him and stayed quiet.
"Coworkers?" ...that was the important part, "Or anyone?
"I'm not particularly close with anyone at work," Sasaki mumbled, reluctance audible in his tone, "I mean, I'm new to the Commission, so…"
"What did you do after work before we met?"
Sasaki rubbed at his chin. "Well, mostly I just read…"
Shuu hummed and finally went through with Sasaki's request for his glasses. Without any more words, they shifted around into a more comfortable position on the couch, basic spooning, and returned to the movie. Sasaki let out a soft breath, a habit he had when the dialogue was something he particularly liked. Shuu would always lean in and whisper sweet nothings into his ear when he sighed and Sasaki's grip on his hand would tighten and he'd curl in on himself and it was overwhelmingly dolce.
This time, however, when the words left Shuu's lips Sasaki's little sigh led into a much larger one and he rolled over in the small space to face Shuu.
"Actually, I, uh, have a confession," Sasaki admitted, looking Shuu dead in the eye. His expression of resolve wavered and he dropped his gaze down.
Shuu's stomach rolled and a needle of worry pierced into his chest. Feelings and thoughts flitted through his mind at a searing pace and his pulse quickened so that his chest had a tangible physical ache and every time it did that his thoughts would turn to Kaneki. What if this "Sasaki Haise" had been pretending not to know him, what if this Sasaki Haise was only pretending to be a dove and was truly one of a feather with him, what if this Sasaki Haise was truly Kaneki Ken?
The hopeful thoughts left him as quickly as they had come, because his mind settled on the possibility, what if Sasaki Haise knows what he is and was only biding his time before skewering him.
"I kind of have amnesia."
Ah. Well. That was not the admittance Shuu was expecting, though he didn't really know what he had been expecting. This news... he didn't know what to make of it. He didn't care much for Sasaki as an individual, only cared for the parts of him that he was able to equate to Kaneki. It was obviously a very big deal to Sasaki, though, so he figured he should at least try to seem supportive.
Sasaki let out a short, dry laugh, "I guess you could say I'm an amnHaiseac?"
"Oh, mon cher," Shuu hummed and smoothed his thumb over Sasaki's in their entwined hands, "that must be so hard."
He curled in and kissed him, a motion that was reciprocated with gusto. Their fingers unlocked from one another and Shuu pulled Sasaki to lay on top of him, Sasaki deepening the kiss and sighing happily through his nose. They kissed for what felt like a long time before Shuu broke the kiss and peppered a few kisses over Sasaki's cheeks and eyelids.
"I'm not stealing you away from a precious beau of yours, am I, Sasaki-kun?" he asked, putting on a playful tone. The situation felt unnecessarily heavy, and he was certain it wasn't due to the weight of Sasaki on his chest.
Sasaki, however, didn't respond with the same mirth the question had held. "No, no one close to me visited me in the hospital. Just...lawyers, people from the CCG. I don't remember anything from before then."
Strange.
Shuu hummed, cuing him to continue.
"No one had much to say about me before, it's kind of really disconcerting…" Sasaki scratched at his neck, visibly uncomfortable. "Maybe I was a shut-in or something, but I don't think I could have been that kind of person…"
He sighed.
"I guess if I didn't get my job at the CCG, I could have been? I don't know what they saw in me...they had me take some written tests and things and then offered to pay my medical bills if I joined."
That was also strange. Shuu didn't know much about the CCG's hiring practices, but he assumed they were as corrupt as everything else about the damned organization. He suspected vaguely that Sasaki didn't really have an option in the matter of joining, that he was only given the illusion of a choice.
Shuu had the briefest of seconds in which he thought to offer to pay for Sasaki's medical expenses, to see if that would dissuade him from working for the CCG any longer, but caught himself- that would be incredibly strange to offer, considering they had only been together for a matter of months. Sasaki might feel trapped if he accepted (he was trapped, but the point was for Shuu not to let him notice the fact) or otherwise would flat out refuse the offer. He didn't want Sasaki picking up on his strong disapproval of his work at the CCG either, that would be beyond suspicious. Sure, there were some humans that believed ghouls were a myth and the CCG was a tax scam, but Sasaki wasn't likely to believe Shuu was one of them.
"They actually had me start working while I was in the hospital, doing some paperwork and things. Actually...it was more than I'm doing right now, I think, isn't that ironic? Working so hard while in the hospital...I'm kind of just this one investigator's gopher now," Sasaki admitted, "but I help with paperwork sometimes- ahh, I'm just an intern, really."
Oh, he was going to open up about what he did at the CCG. Good, that was information Shuu needed, it would let him know what level of caution to have. He reached up and stroked his fingers through Sasaki's hair, playing with the black roots.
Sasaki continued. "He's a special class, though, and once my doctor clears me for physical activity he'll be overseeing my training himself. To be a full-fledged investigator, that is."
That wasn't good. No, that didn't fit into Shuu's daydream- Sasaki coming to his flat, hanging up that white dove coat of his, setting down the silver briefcase that was nothing but a corpse within, a sign of what would happen should Shuu slip up. He didn't like that. Not at all. He felt anger spread throughout him and into the veins of his wrist and for a moment his hands clenched into Sasaki's hair, pulling, but Sasaki didn't seem to notice and for that Shuu was glad.
He thought it somewhat funny, though, an investigator who had been sleeping with a ghoul for months.
"What were you doing before, minou? Certainly something more interesting than being a gopher, non?"
"Oh, well, I did some stuff with the files pinpointing what ghouls were eradicated during the purge of the 20th ward last fall. Mostly lower ranked ghouls; the higher ranked ones don't usually disappear without a fight. But some...like, the S-ranked Gourmet, you've probably heard of him," Sasaki didn't seem to notice the small laugh Shuu had to conceal, "The Gourmet was declared 'inactive, possibly dead'. He probably died earlier than that, though, since there haven't been any incidents that showed his signs for over a year," Sasaki smiled a little, "so you can rest a little easier, I guess?"
He certainly would, knowing that the CCG was off of his tail. But he knew that wasn't what Sasaki had meant.
Wait, but if Sasaki had been involved in that sort of cleanup- Shuu swallowed.
"What about Centipede?"
He wanted closure. He knew it would hurt.
"'Centipede'?" Sasaki repeated, and Shuu braced himself- "There's no ghoul named 'Centipede'. You might be thinking of a book or something."
Shuu furrowed his brows and hummed. "I must be."
That was...too strange. He was certain that "Centipede" was the name the CCG had Kaneki under; that was what everyone had called him in the ghoul community as well. Oh, but perhaps since he wasn't...since his situation was what it was, such a rare case, his file was classified and a new worker like Sasaki wouldn't have clearance to read it. But, the CCG may have even deleted his file altogether to make it seem as though Kaneki Ken had never existed, that he as a bridge between human and ghoul was something the CCG never wanted to see light.
"Honestly- I think...I think my accident may have had something to do with the sweep of the 20th ward. It's a kind of odd suspicion, but…" Sasaki knitted his face into one of contemplation. "Don't tell anyone."
"Of course," Shuu said, nodding. "So it was an accident? That caused this?"
"Yeah, I don't know what happened, though," Sasaki admitted, his gaze drifting away. "I had some minor brain damage…so it was physical trauma that caused the amnesia..."
"Terribile," Shuu shook his head, "were you hurt elsewhere?"
"Well, my eyes…you knew about that…" Sasaki shifted on him and sat up, straddling Shuu's hips. He lifted up the bottom of his shirt, tugging up just the corner to show his stomach up to his navel. "You've probably seen this before, too…" He took Shuu's hand and brought it to his stomach to trace a line on his side.
He had seen it, but not paid it much mind. There, on the softening muscles of his stomach, was a surgical scar in the same place Kaneki Ken had the one mark upon his skin. Shuu let out a stifled gasp as his fingers traced it. It looked old, far too healed to be related to the recent accident Sasaki had been involved in.
He looked from the scar up to Sasaki's face and saw nothing but Kaneki.
Shuu sat up and smashed their mouths together, kissing him frantically because he was once again caught in the thoughts that it was Kaneki and those thoughts were growing weaker and weaker and he needed to cherish them. He pushed Sasaki back onto the arm of the couch and kissed down his neck, Sasaki letting out a surprised giggle and burying his fingers into the back of Shuu's shirt and tilting his chin up to allow Shuu's kisses. Shuu traced the scar with his fingers under Sasaki's shirt, committing the shape and texture of it to memory and comparing it to the memory of Kaneki's and not being able to find any difference. He sighed against Sasaki's neck at the thought, and dropped down to press his lips to the scar. Sasaki laughed and threaded fingers into his hair as he drew his tongue across the mark, enjoying the texture of the raised skin, his hands fumbling at Sasaki's belt.
"It's just my stomach, you've seen it before…" Sasaki said, a soft laugh following his words, "That kind of tickles…"
Shuu pressed a couple of kisses to the unmarked skin of his stomach, trying to calm the breathing he hadn't realized had grown heavy, before sitting up and placing a soft kiss on Sasaki's lips. "My apologies for getting so worked up. You're simply so…delicieux, l'amour de ma vie."
"I mean, you didn't have to stop-" Sasaki stuttered out, but Shuu kissed him again and he quieted down.
"Was there anything else, mon cher? Any other injuries?"
"Ah, yeah- you might not have seen…"
Sasaki pulled his shirt over his head, darting his eyes away as if he was shy and it wasn't anything Shuu had already seen before (though, that didn't stop Shuu from raking his eyes over the bare skin of his chest). He stood up off of Shuu's lap and turned around, facing the television.
"On my back."
Shuu looked over his shoulders, silently admiring the muscles there. Sasaki looked as though he had once been muscular, perhaps as much as Kaneki, but his time in recovery had caused most of them to soften. His eyes trailed down Sasaki's back and caught at the small of his back- where the smooth skin was stopped by a thin line. Right where Kaneki's kakuhou would have been. It wasn't anywhere that would need that sort surgery, Shuu didn't think, not from his admittedly thorough knowledge of human anatomy. It seemed new, newer than the scar on his stomach by far.
Shuu reached out and ghosted his fingers over the mark. Sasaki shuddered slightly.
Sasaki let out a hum and a hoarse, uncomfortable laugh. "I thought...I thought you might think something like 'ahh, this guy has too many problems for me', so I'm really glad that you…" he trailed off.
Shuu stood and wrapped his arms around Sasaki from behind, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. "Of course not."
Sasaki shuddered and let out a sniffle, and Shuu thought he was starting to cry.
"We...we kind of forgot about the movie. I think I just got spoiled, too…" Sasaki said, masking the waver in his voice, letting out another of those uncertain laughs.
"Mm, then let's go to bed, Kaneki-kun."
Shuu's breath caught. He'd called him- désastreux.
"That sounds nice," Sasaki replied, sounding contented.
"Oh, I called you…"
"Huh? You call me that all the time…"
Shuu was very confused- but also disconcerted that he had been calling Sasaki by Kaneki's name without realizing.
"Isn't it some French pun made with my name?" he scratched at his chin, "I thought you were warming up to my jokes, that you were maybe…Tsukiyadopting them…"
Shuu cringed a little on the inside, but let out a soft laugh instead. "Yes, exactly."
Sasaki let out a gentle laugh, took his hand, and they walked to the bedroom.
They kissed and fell to the bed and their bodies became a tangle of limbs, but their bodies fit so well together there was no way it could be anything so haphazard as a tangle and their sighs and shaky breaths only complemented the way they moved together.
Shuu let his fingers trace over the scar on his stomach and he came with a whisper of Kaneki's name on his lips and drifted off with Kaneki the only thing occupying his thoughts.