I walk the familiar hallways on my own. I feel weird and incredibly empty. Why am I doing this ? The whiteness of this place is almost scary and I feel my knees trembling as I slowly walk towards the damn door. I've thought a lot about this, I've hoped for months things would change… I've been patient, extremely patient, but nothing worked. It didn't get better and I believe it never will. Maybe it's time for me to be honest, maybe it's time for me to finally be able to express what I'm feeling. For once, just for once, I need to be brutally honest and say everything I think about this out loud. I have tears in my eyes, because I know that she might not understand or, worse, she might refuse this. What if this time fighting for her turns out not to be enough ? What if this decision makes me lose her for good ? I'm not so sure anymore. I haven't had a serious conversation with her for so much time now it feels like ages. I don't even know how she feels anymore.

I've been thinking about doing this for many weeks now, but Doctor Heldens always told me to slow down and wait a little bit more.
"What is she's not ready yet ?" She'd say and it made me feel guilty anytime the thought crossed my mind. I obviously didn't want to make my wife suffer any more than what she already had to … So I waited. Now I can't wait anymore, this needs to be done. Now. I'm still shaking, though and I don't think it's going to get any easier as the time goes by. What I'm about to do might change our lives forever, but it might also destroy both of them… I'm not sure I'm ready to risk the "relationship" we have now. What I'm sure about is that this needs to be done, now. She agreed to meet me in Doctor Heldens' office, maybe a neutral environment will make everything easier.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I stand for a while in front of the office's door and brace myself. It's either going to make me sick, or extremely happy. I knock twice on the door.

"Come in." I slowly open the door. She's already here, sitting in the dark lather chair. She turns her head and looks at me, then cracks a small smile to me. I breathe and smile back, while sitting down next to her.

It's a good day.

Doctor Heldens starts talking, but I can't pay attention to her. I'm too busy worrying about what is going to happen in the next few moments to concentrate on anything else. I keep fidgeting with my fingers, nervousness is definitely striking me hard. The doctor seems happy, maybe she's finally understood that what I'm doing today is the right thing and I can finally be honest. I can't quite process what she's saying and I figure I might need to start talking once she stops. What am I going to say ? How am I going to begin something that is going to change my life ?

I have no idea.

I literally have no idea. I was way too nervous about this to think about what to say. I talked to doctor Heldens yesterday and I thought she'd have me meet her a week after, but she said we needed to do this soon and here we are. Last night I couldn't sleep, I was way too nervous to even lay down, so I spent the whole night baking. It helped me relax and it also made me stop thinking for a few hours, which was what I needed the most. Now, though, here I am. In front of my wife, speechless, on one of the most significant days of my life.

It's weird.

When we got married, I was scared like I'd never been before. I was going to be tied with her for my whole life and it felt like the best decision I'd ever take. I saw her in that beautiful white dress and I knew for sure that I was right. We were going to live a happy life, raise our beautiful daughter and grow old together, like I had dreamed my whole life. Right now, though, I think I'm feeling even more scared.

Is it even possible ?

Our wedding day was basically a disaster. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. I should have probably taken that as a hint, because our marriage was the same. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. But I'm here again, because I care too much to let her go again. Doctor Heldens looks at me and I know it's my turn to talk.

"Do you know why we're here ?" I ask my wife. She shocks her head, but her smile doesn't even flinch. "Well… I need to tell you something. I need you to know what is going on."

I think this might sound like I'm telling her that I am dating someone, because I see real fear in her eyes and I'm not sure how to go on. "We've been together for many years, we've had many problems, but we've always been able to get through them, because our love has always been so powerful." Her smile comes back and I find myself smiling back at her. "I tried in the past to forget everything we had, I tried to overcome that voice in my head that kept telling me to go back to you, because I thought I couldn't do that to myself. I couldn't still be in love with you."

It might sound harsh, but it's the truth. I have tried to forget what it felt like to be with her, I tried to avoid her, but it hit me anytime I saw her in the hospital.

I loved her more than words could possibly describe.

"But I was. And there was no point in hiding it. I hope you know that. Once I realized how much I loved you, I came running back to you."

She looks at me and frowns. I can see how confused she is right now, so I stop for a while. I want her to understand what I'm saying here and, more importantly, I want her to say it back.

"Are you talking about first break up ? When there was the shooting ?" She says and I feel my heart clench with pain.

"No, I'm talking about our last one." I say and her face lights up with joy. There we go. She understands.

"Is this session you telling me that you want to get back together ?" She says, softly. I can see how scared she is right now, she thinks I might say no. She probably thinks I might be joking.

I brace myself. It's now or never.

"No, we got back together a little over two years ago…

… You just don't remember it."