That Which Destroys Me
Chapter 4: More Than I Deserve
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter…unfortunately.
To say Hermione was furious would be an understatement. That much became clear to everyone within a one mile radius to her angry tirade. The Gryffindors edged away from her uneasily and the Slytherins on the other side of the Herbology greenhouse stared suspiciously.
"Rude, obnoxious ferret -"
Ron gestured to Harry frantically.
"Oh, I'll gut him like a fish -"
"Uh, Hermione?"
"How dare he…ooh bloody insensitive git -"
"'Mione…um."
"You try to help an idiot and he bites your head -"
"HERMIONE!"
"WHAT?!"
"Calm down?" Harry squeaked out.
"Calm down? Calm down?" Hermione laughed derisively. "Are you seriously telling me to calm down, Harry James Potter?"
"No? Yes?" he answered weakly.
"Did you see what happened back there? I tried to be nice and help the poor sod and he pulls a typical Malfoy and verbally abuses me! Ooh, the nerve of some people."
"Come on, Hermione. Did you really expect Malfoy of all people to be nice? Thankful?"
Hermione looked her best friend in the eyes and let out a deep breath before admitting, "I did."
"Aww, 'Mione," Harry groaned.
"What? You know why…sort of."
"For Merlin's sake! I hate to say this, but the Malfoy you met back in the Manor…he's never coming back."
"Harry -"
"People do crazy things when they're about to die and that's exactly what that was. The git knew Voldemort was gonna off him any day and just lost it."
"How can you say that? You know what it was like. He saved my life!"
"And then you saved his."
Harry looked like he had a whole lot more to say, but at that moment, Madame Sprout called for their attention.
"We'll finish this later," he hissed.
Malfoy never showed up to Herbology or Muggle Studies and when Hermione went back to the common room, she was disappointed to find it empty. She debated with herself at his door for ten minutes before giving in to impulse and knock sharply. He either wasn't there or he really didn't want to see Hermione. The latter was pretty likely, in any given situation, honestly. She considered waiting for him in the common room because he eventually had to come back to his room, but she also knew that he was expecting her to hound him. She should back off for a bit and then pounce when his ferrety-senses least expected it.
Hermione headed up to Gryffindor tower and was happy to be back in her home for the past six years. She especially missed the coziness of the Gryffindor common room and the fond memories she had there. Just like countless evenings in the past, her best friends were sitting in front of the fireplace and playing chess.
"Where'd you run off to after class?" Ron asked in greeting.
"I went to grab some stuff from my room," she answered, plopping down onto the couch and pulling out a book.
"I thought you'd be working on our charms homework," Harry mused. "Rook to E5"
She rolled her eyes and said, "There's more to me than homework, you know. Besides, I finished it during lunch."
"Why'd you do that?" Ron asked, wrinkling his nose and scowling. "That's extreme, even for you."
"I have so much more on my plate. Heads duties are going to be taking up a huge chunk of my time so time management is of the essence."
"Oh yeah and that git will make you do his share of the work too."
"I don't know what McGonagall was thinking, appointing him Head Boy of all things," Harry said, grimacing when Ron's knight took out his rook.
"Actually, he drew up the prefects' schedule before breakfast." She was biting at her lip, looking thoughtful as she thought back to the moment she found the parchment sitting on the coffee table. He'd left it on top of her Transfiguration textbook, ensuring that she'd find it.
"He probably wanted to make sure him and his slimy friends had the best shifts," Ron sneered, but then brightened up considerably. "Checkmate."
Harry groaned and turned away from the game, letting all the pieces recuperate before they could start another round. "As much as I hate to bring this up -"
"But we all know you love obsessing over anything and everything Malfoy does," she piped up, a mischievous grin curling her lips.
"HA!" Ron barked gleefully. Turning to Harry, he said, "She got you there, mate."
"What? Never!"
"Harry, you spend every year harping on about one thing or another that you suspect he's done. 'Oh, Malfoy is the heir of Slytherin. Opened up the Chamber of Secrets, that he did. Oh, Malfoy has a better broom than me. Oh, Malfoy is making badges that say I suck. Oh, Malfoy is an evil git. Oh, Malfoy is a Death Eater."
"Oh, fuck off," he muttered, turning away as Ron burst in a fit of laughter.
Draco followed Blaise and Theo through the entrance of the Slytherin common room with a scowl on his face. They were heading to their usual spot in the corner when a voice piped up.
"Mublood-lovers aren't welcome."
It was a fifth year, stepping forward with his arms crossed over his chest. Behind him, three other people were wearing similar looks of contempt.
Draco arched a brow and sneered, "Such big words. Don't hurt yourself."
"You're a disgrace to the name of Purebloods."
"In case you've been living with your head in the ground for the past year, the Dark Lord personally taught me his favourite curses and I will not hesitate to demonstrate them all to the next person who pisses me off," Draco snarled and sent the idiot flying backwards into the wall without even raising his wand. Rumours of his skill with wandless magic during the war had reached the halls of Hogwarts and the infamous Malfoy vicious streak was a thing of legend in the halls of Hogwarts.
The rest of his housemates had been watching with careful reservation, waiting before deciding to align themselves with the victor. If they were hoping he would give up his throne, they were very much mistaken. He relished being the Slytherin Prince and the power that came with it. It was unfortunate but there would always be cockroaches waiting in the shadows, watching for any crack in his armour. Yet, each time his authority was challenged, it only served to assert his power even more.
"You're certainly feeling better," Theo said, after casting a quick muffliato. He eyed Draco carefully.
Draco shrugged and settled into the sofa by the fireplace, leaning his head back. Despite the tall green flames cracking in the hearth, the Slytherin common room remained as chilly as ever. There was a damp coolness in the air and his already feverish body shivered even more. His eyes constantly fluttered close for a couple seconds too long, but he forced himself awake each time.
"How long are you going to avoid Granger?" Blaise asked.
"As long as she continues to poke her swotty nose into what is clearly not her business."
"Seems unlikely," Theo snorted.
"Sadly, yes."
"She was off her rocker in Herbology. Lucky you weren't there or she would've strangled you, I reckon," Blaise remarked.
Draco wrinkled his nose. "How…muggle of her."
"Maybe I should get a familiar," Theo mused after a moment of silence.
Draco arched a brow at him.
"It would be a fun sort of hobby, don't you think?" he continued, ignoring the looks they were exchanging. "Ooh, I would even get to name it."
Blaise choked out a laugh.
"I think I read somewhere that miniature sphinxes are a thing now. So very in, yes, even Narcissa Malfoy would approve," Theo said and nodded to himself.
"Why on earth would you want a sphinx of any proportion?" Blaise wondered.
"And for the record, Mother would most definitely not approve," Draco added, rolling his eyes when Theo scowled. "They're known for coughing up furballs and no self-respecting wizard would allow such a deplorable act."
"Why do you want a pet anyways?"
"If you must know," Theo shot Blaise a dirty look. "Anastasia Stone just released a new calendar spread. Bloody beautiful. She poses with a different familiar for each month."
Draco held back a laugh at the starstruck look on his face.
"Isn't she hanging upside down from a tree, next to a green flying gnorish, this month?"
"Why do you know that?" Draco gaped at Blaise.
"I woke up in the middle of the night for a drink and screamed when I saw it stuck on the wall next to the door," he muttered, shuddering when he remembered that he stubbed his toe and fell back on his arse when he saw the garish image with the greenish-blue translucent light of the lake shining on it. He'd nearly pummelled Goyle in his sleep for leaving open the window curtains."
Draco snorted and said, "I'm all the more thankful for my own room. Worst case scenario would be Granger snoring loud enough to break through a silencio."
"If she even has to silencio her room," Blaise pondered, but then shook his head. "There's no way that girl is sleeping peacefully enough at night."
"Do girls even snore?" Theo wondered, looking around as if a member of the opposite sex was going to pop up from behind the couch and scream, "Fuck yeah, you arse!"
"Maybe just the muggle ones do," Blaise added and Theo nodded in agreement.
"She's a bloody witch," Draco muttered, rolling his eyes.
"Salazar! Someone call Pomfrey. Don't worry, Draco, we'll find a solution to this mind affliction," Theo assured him, reaching over to pat his hand.
The glare Draco shot him would've had anyone else pissing themselves.
"Don't you give up, dammit!" Theo grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "We'll find a cure! Fatal, my arse!"
"Merlin, someone ought to put a leash on you." Draco pushed him off and straightened his robes with a frown.
"He makes a fair point," Blaise added. He simply looked bemused. "You wouldn't have said that two years ago."
Draco shook his head and stared ahead at the green flames of the black marble fireplace. He was a thousand miles away from this place, months back in time. His voice took on a haunted, hoarse quality as he spoke quietly, "You didn't see what she was like, back at the Manor. So stupidly brave. She looked Aunt Bella in the eyes, after being crucio'd repeatedly, and lied. Lied to the face of the most unstable and powerful dark witch."
Theo and Blaise were silent, watching him carefully. When he brought his eyes back up to meet theirs, those grey orbs were brimming with anguish at a memory he relived every night. His already pale complexion had gone sallow, making the dark circles under his eyes stand out even more. It didn't escape their notice that his hands were clasped tightly in his lap, the muscles of his arms taut with the effort of keeping them from shaking.
"I swear I could feel her magic crackling around her. Sweet Circe, no amount of torture could break her will. That level of defiance, you cannot fathom. I doubt any other witch could've survived in her place, forget a muggle." He leaned forward, perching his elbows on his knees and dropping his head into his hands. He knew his friends were tense and trying to figure out when to stop him from spiralling too far back into his chest of horrors. "When she touched me, her hands were shaking and they were so cold. She placed her skin against mine and fuck, I could feel the warmth of her magic. I was probably delirious, as one knows that happens on the brink of death, and her hands! Merlin, her hands are so tiny. She's so small…so fragile. But that's the thing. She looks like a feather could knock her over, but the sheer strength of her will kept her going. She was so determined. She actually believed her precious Order would save her. Told me she wouldn't let me die in the dungeons of my own home."
"Draco," Theo started quietly at his pause, but Draco didn't seem to have heard him.
"I could've died right there in her arms and that would've been more than I deserved."
At dinner, he risked being seen after this afternoon's ordeal. He knew Granger won't dare approach him in public with such a delicate matter. She may be bossy, but she definitely had more tact than both her idiots combined. He didn't dare keep his head down - he was a Malfoy, after all. Instead there was a vicious sneer on his cold features the entire time, glaring down anyone he made eye contact with. Between his throwing scowls and death threats, Pansy managed to coax a few spoons of soup down his throat and he, in turn, pretended he didn't see the relieved smile on her face. He could tell that today had truly rattled her, something that wasn't easily done with Pansy. Pansy, who found him curled in on himself on the floor of the seventh year boys' bathroom after his stomach tried to purge his system of the memories haunting him. Pansy, who ignored the cruel words he spewed at her to send her away. Pansy, who instead forced a Calming Draught down his throat and held him while he broke down into painful sobs. The way she fussed over him and the shaky smile that graced her lips gave away just how daunting it was for her to see her strongest friend so broken. Draco had always been the one with the impenetrable disposition, ever so regal and intense. He stood tall, his aristocratic pedigree shining through his impeccable manners and expensive tastes. To see Draco with cracks in his armour, with actual fear in his eyes, was harsh awakening for Pansy. If the unbreakable Malfoy could be…broken…then what hope did the rest of them have?
He could feel Granger's sharp eyes on him as he rose from the Slytherin table, but Blaise, Theo, and Pansy immediately flanked him, sticking close to him as they left the hall. The funny part was that he'd never told them to, but being the loyal Slytherins they were, they understood from his little outburst in the common room that the swotty little witch was detrimental to his health.
"Are you sure?" Pansy asked him for the tenth time since he told them he would be sleeping in his own room tonight. "I don't trust the mudblood to not badger you when you're like this."
"She's too much of a moral snob to kick him when he's down," Blaise pointed out.
"If you had a familiar, it would protect you from unsavoury people," Theo told him matter-of-factly.
Draco scoffed at the idea of needing protection from the temperamental Head Girl. He wouldn't deny that she could pack a punch, but in the past couple years he'd grown into an imposing figure. He towered over her and he had no doubt he could throw her around like a rag doll.
"I'm not scared of a little girl," he said firmly. "I could be on my deathbed and still be able to snap her in half with my bare hands."
"You are on your deathbed," Theo said, looking at him oddly.
"Technicalities," he muttered. Pansy opened her mouth to argue but he squared his shoulders and snapped, "Quit it, Pansy. Go find someone else to smother. I'm not a child."
"No, you're a dumbass who needs to stop finding new ways to get himself killed," she hissed before turning on her heel and stomping away.
"She's just worried about you," Theo tried to offer quietly.
"I don't care. I don't need anyone's pity or help."
He regretted the words the minute he closed his bedroom door behind him and surveyed his bed with trepidation. Logically, he knew there was nothing his friends could do reduce even a smidgeon of the pain he experienced every night. At least, there was nothing they could do that he hadn't done before. Being a Malfoy meant he had access to things other people didn't even know existed. He had gone through an assortment of expensive potions that were hard to procure and even took an international portkey to Tibet to see a vampire monk who specialized in the demonic possession of the unconscious mind. He wasn't sure how his nightmares tied in with the body pains and nausea, but Draco was certain that they weren't normal. Waking up screaming because it felt like your blood was boiling and your bones were on fire wasn't normal. Reliving the worst days of your life every time you closed your eyes wasn't normal.
She was staring at him. Again.
She had been watching since they dragged his convulsing body into the cell next to hers but had yet to say a word. He pretended he didn't know she was merely five feet from him, but they were both very much aware of the fact. He broke out into a coughing fit and winced when he saw the fresh blood splattering the stone floor. He was probably the first Malfoy to bleed out on the floor of his own dungeon. His face screwed up in pain, he pulled himself into a seated position against the cold wall and gingerly rested his head back. He wanted to survey his injuries but knew he couldn't move a muscle without screaming in pain.
"Why?"
Maybe if he didn't answer, she would think he died and ignore his corpse?
"Malfoy," she tried again.
Persistent little bitch.
"I know you can hear me."
"Fuck off," he muttered.
Of course, she being who she was, asked, "Why?"
"Why did they betray me? Why did they torture me?"
"Yes."
"Has it ever occurred to you that they didn't turn on me?" he sneered, annoyed at not being able to turn his head to glare at her. "I'm doing the Dark Lord a service. It is an honour."
Even to his own ears his voice sounded rehearsed. Monotone.
"What? Are you his pureblood sacrifice?"
He flinched. Then decided to go back to ignoring her.
"How are we going to get out of here?" When he didn't respond, she raised her voice, "Malfoy, help us!"
"Keep your voice down, you bloody harpy," he groaned, wishing somebody would just Avada him. "You're giving me a fuckin' headache."
"Don't you want to get out of this cage?" Her voice got even shriller. Lovely.
"No, you stupid bitch," he snapped. "Now shut the fuck up so I can die in peace."
A sharp gust of wind hit him from the side and he opened his eyes to find that she had disappeared. So had he. He was staring up at that chandelier Mother had made in France for their Sage living room. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the fact that the room no longer smelt like fresh sage occurred to him. He was suddenly very much aware of the heavy pressure on his chest and then recoiled with horror when a giant snake head rose to just inches above his head. It looked down at his face and Draco swore he could see it sneering with hunger. A scream rose and died in his throat when he realized this huge, dirty snake was wrapped around his entire body.
"Come now, Draco. Surely the Malfoy heir is stronger than this. Generations of marrying those of the purest blood ought to have paid off."
Torn between struggling out of Nagini's tight grip and crying out in fear, Draco simply clenched his eyes shut and tried to clear his mind. The faster he complied with what the Dark Lord wanted, the sooner this ordeal would end. They would toss him back into his own dungeons and leave him to rot for another couple days.
"Clear your mind of everything, focus inwards," the Dark Lord's voice was like a cold needle being pushed into his brain. "Narrow in on your breathing and the sound of your own heartbeat."
In any other situation, Draco would've had to hold back from snapping that he couldn't hear his own heartbeat, but it was pounding against his ribcage loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear.
For a few minutes, he followed as the Dark Lord's whispers dictated and each time that it slipped his mind where he was, Nagini would clench. He was pretty sure his Lord enjoyed seeing him flinch with fear every time.
"Our last attempt wasn't as fruitious as I wanted, but I hope you shall redeem yourself this time. Bella, would you kindly step forward and cast the spell."
How am I supposed to accomplish something when I don't even know what it is that you want me to do, Draco thought bitterly. Luckily, he was highly accomplished at occulmency, even more so than the Dark Lord himself, and didn't need to worry about him catching his stray thoughts.
"I've made a few adjustments, increased the intensity, I think you'll find. Bella, you may begin."
He wasn't prepared for the onslaught of pain that hit him hard and sent him reeling backwards into his own mind. He was crashing through all the walls he'd built, destroying the labyrinth he'd been constructing since he first started learning occulumency at the age of eight. He finally came to a halt when he smashed into a white marble peacock statue in one of his dead-end clearings designed to trap anyone trying to navigate his maze.
He stumbled to his feet and cautiously eyed the entrance to the clearing. It was the only way out of this dead-end, but he also knew that the moment he tried to step across the threshold, an icy jolt of pain would shoot down his spine.
"Come on, Draco," he whispered to himself, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling that the walls were closing in. He had designed this particular trap with special attention to details such as this one. If he didn't find a way out of this place, he would be driven insane in his own mind by a trap he had created himself. Ah, irony.
Shutting his eyes, he willed himself to close off any thoughts and focus on his spatial awareness. He could feel the energy pulsating from the towering hedges around him and even the shattered statue behind him. This was his life force, vibrating excitedly around him. Everything before him was an extension of himself, like another limb.
"Right, I need an escape route. One that only I can find or destroy. Something elusive," he decided quietly.
A hidden trapdoor would be too easy. Perhaps a portkey? Maybe a coin buried in the ground. Or even a … -
"RAWWWRRR!"
The labyrinth shook with the force of the roar, turning the remains of the broken statue to dust. With a grace he didn't even know he possessed, Draco managed to stay standing when another deafening growl rocked the maze and the ground beneath it. That thing, whatever it was, was getting closer.
"Shit, shit shit," he muttered furiously, clenching his eyes shut and pressing his palms against the sides of his head. He could hear the monster stomping down heavily and could practically feel the angry bands of energy emanating from it as it moved. "Focus. Fuckin' hell. Focus!"
When he sensed the chaotic energy turn the corner and come to a stop just a few feet ahead of him, he let his arms fall limply to his sides. Summoning all the tiny pieces of courage he ever had, Draco opened his eyes and glanced up.
Please let me know what you thought of that. I could really use some feedback, it'll be much appreciated. I have the next couple chapters written out and there's a plan in place that is slowly being unravelled. Bare with me. I could also use a Beta reader for this fic so PM me if that interests you. Until next time, xoxo