I wanted so desperately to write something, as I haven't for sooooo long D': Turned out to be the next chapter of Lost in Kishimoto, which I wasn't expecting.

Sasuke and Real World Naruto get to know each other a little better.

LiK - Chapter 4

Naruto could only think of two words to describe the Uchiha compound: Fucking Creepy.

It seemed to be a chunk of the village reserved solely to make passersby feel the need to whisper and speed up until they were well clear of the area. Naruto didn't really know the details of what happened there - it made sense that the compound was the location of the mass murder of Sasuke's family - but the condition of the houses told more than he wanted to know. There were windows boarded closed and roofs sagging with neglect and far too many old rusty bloodstains.

Jeezus, Naruto thought with mounting unease, there were at least twenty or so houses...how many people- He jerked away from that thought immediately. Instead he wondered why someone had bothered to board the windows...no sane person would wander in to the district willingly.

Naruto paused at that to question his own mental state, and walked as close to Sasuke as he dared without giving away that he was maybealittle freaked. And god, the crazy bastard lived here...and wow, perhaps that explained a lot, Naruto decided.

"Sasuke," he whispered, darting a glance around when his hushed voice still sounded too loud. "Have you thought about, you know, living somewhere else?"

"No. Why?"

"Oh, just a thought."

Naruto knew which house Sasuke lived in without needing it pointed out...it was the only liveable looking building and had a relieving lack of bloodstains...likely scrubbed away, Naruto thought, because it sure as hell made sense that Sasuke's family were killed in their home.

...Another tick against why Sasuke was homicidally insane, Uzumaki figured.

As Naruto followed Sasuke toward the house he realised that despite the whole being stabbed by him thing, and that Sasuke had tried to kill this world's Naruto – and had, in fact, killed his own brother – Naruto felt more comfortable with the bastard than anyone else on the Team. This thought struck him as particularly fucked up. He had clearly been in Sasuke's presence too long and decided craziness must be communicable.

But it would've been plain weird to hang out with Kakashi when the man was like the team leader or teacher, and based on Sai's inappropriate sex-related quips, Naruto didn't feel entirely at ease with the artist.

As well spending time alone with Sakura could raise all sorts of problems, but hanging out with someone who looked exactly the same with similar mannerisms was really wacked.

Seeing his look alike kind of ruined the whole "I am unique" feeling of individualism. Not that it wasn't interesting, but at the moment Uzumaki needed a break from shit turning his world upside down.

And taking a tour of Sasuke's house was a good distraction from all that had happened. Though Sasuke's tour had consisted of opening a few doors and saying "Bathroom. Don't touch my things", "My room. Don't come in here for any reason", "Kitchen. Make sure you clean up after yourself", "Living room. Don't wear shoes in here", "You can use this room".

It went without saying that Uchiha was a terrible tour guide, but he made for a surprisingly good host. He gave Naruto a clean towel and a set of clothes to wear in the meantime, as well as a fresh toothbrush, then wrinkled his nose.

"I don't know when you last bathed, but it wasn't recently. Go and shower."

Well, Naruto amended as he closed the bathroom door and kicked off his sweat pants, Sasuke was an okay host. And to spite him, Uzumaki used Sasuke's body wash instead of the soap. Though all animosity was fast forgotten when Naruto followed his nose to the kitchen, suddenly very much aware that he hadn't eaten since the day before.

"God, yum! That smells awesome!"

"On the stove," Sasuke was sitting at a traditional low table on his knees, eating whatever the hell smelled so delicious and reading a book with tiny writing.

Naruto instantly made a beeline for the stovetop, looking down with barely suppressed delight at-

"...Instant...ramen...?"

Naruto glanced at what Uchiha was eating to confirm that yes, instant ramen wasn't the delicious smell. Well, Naruto amended as he took the bowl waiting on the bench and served himself instant ramen, Sasuke was a shit host.

He set his bowl down at the table with a louder than necessary thunk, pleased when Sasuke's eye twitched slightly.

"I don't mean to be rude," Naruto began rather pleasantly, "but why the fuck do I get cup noodles while you get -what the hell are you eating?"

"Traditional pork stirfry."

Naruto was aghast and a little offended. "You gave me cardboard and beef flavoured water and you get -you get fucking pork stirfry?! What, you don't want me eating your food?! Ok, I suppose I get that since I can't exactly pay you back or anything at the moment, but shit I can clean up or someth-"

"You...don't like instant ramen?"

Naruto seemed to have captured Sasuke's full attention, but Naruto was more concerned about the confused frown the kooky bastard was sporting.

"What?" Naruto exclaimed as he threw his hands at his unappetising three-minute meal. "Do you like instant ramen? If you fucking like it so much then I'll swap you!"

Sasuke moved his hands somewhat protectively around his bowl but continued to stare. "I don't like instant ramen."

Naruto gripped his head in his hands a little desperately. "Oh my god then why do you have the stuff in your cupboard?"

"Because Naruto-"

Sasuke cut himself off and it all made sense to Uzumaki. Sasuke wanted him around because he thought he was Naruto. Well, he was of course, but not...Naruto sighed and flopped down to sit at the table.

"Look, I'm not Naruto ok?" he said, subdued and annoyed. "Well, I am, but I'm not the guy you want me to be so -so don't think I can be. I don't like instant ramen. I don't like pink hair. I don't have weird-ass whisker things on my face."

He looked up to glare at Sasuke. "I look like him and I'm sure he's real swell but I'm not that guy, so let's fucking get that straight right now."

He picked up a pair of chopsticks and stabbed them in to his food ferociously, then pushed the bowl away with a huff after remembering it was beef flavoured cardboard strips. Naruto eyed the pork stirfry again but looked up when Sasuke spoke.

"What is your favourite food then?"

Naruto stomach growled at the thought of it. "Mmm pizza. Or maybe spaghetti and meatballs. No definitely pizza."

Sasuke cocked a brow as he continued to eat. "Pizza?"

Naruto was momentarily horrified. "You've never heard of pizza?! Agh...I'll make it for you sometime!"

Sasuke shrugged. "Favourite colour?"

"Hmmm, blue."

"Not orange then?"

"What the fuck, man? I fucking said blue."

"Career goal?"

Naruto scrunched up his nose at the question. "Er, well I don't really know. I mean, I was studying Economics at college but I have no idea what I wanna do really."

"Hobbies?"

"Jeezuz, this is worse than a first date!" Naruto declared, debating whether it was worth losing his hand to steal some stirfry. "I guess I like normal guy stuff like computer games, hanging out and masturbating."

Sasuke cocked a brow, pushing his bowl to the side. "Computer games?"

"Hey are you gonna eat the rest of that?" Naruto didn't wait for an answer and stole the left over stirfry with almost ninja-like speed. "Wow, this is awesome! You're a fucking good cook, Sasuke!"

The kooky bastard looked suspiciously pleased but a little uncomfortable by the compliment. Naruto chewed thoughtfully, watching the small splash of colour fade from Sasuke's cheeks. How often did Sasuke hear something nice said about him, he wondered.

"Hm, anyway, computer games are, well, games you play on the computer?" Naruto didn't need to look up from his food to know he was being glared at. "Jeez, I dunno how to explain it."

"Hm," said Sasuke, moving on. "And masturbating? Is that another unexplainable activity?"

Naruto sprayed his mouthful across the table and proceeded to stare incredulously at the other boy. "Are you fucking with me?"

"I am not fucking with you," Sasuke was looking at his table with obvious disgust. "You can clean that up, loser. Gross."

"Um," Naruto tried. "You know, jerking off?"

Sasuke's brow furrowed. "Jerking..? What?"

"Er, how to say...beating the meat?"

"What?"

"Cleaning the pipes?"

"...I'm not sure what-"

"Cranking the love pump?"

"Are we still talking about your hobbies?"

"Jerkin' the gherkin?"

"...I'm quite certain you're being a moron."

"Polishing the pole?"

"You're using euphemisms for...something."

"Shaking the sausage? I'm beginning to think I can do this for hours."

"..."

"Slapping the purple-headed yoghurt pistol?"

Sasuke visibly blanched. "That sounds disgusting."

"Manually increasing the surface temperature of the ship's primary cannon by repeated linear manipulation?"

"..."

Naruto grinned, knowing Sasuke would understand this one. "Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion?"

It took a moment, but Sasuke finally Got It. He jerked back from the table as though slapped.

"What the fuck?" he almost yelled, a nice shade of scarlet rising in his cheeks once more.

Naruto, while admittedly finding Sasuke's reaction highly amusing, thought it was a little over the top.

"Are you telling me you don't masturbate?" he asked, genuinely curious, still grinning.

"Of course not!" Sasuke shot back, his flush fading quickly.

Naruto was immediately inclined to call him a flaming fat liar, but Sasuke continued quickly.

"When I was young, my older brother told me that if you touched your dick too much, you'd go blind. As our bloodline relied heavily on..."

Naruto couldn't help it. He fell in to hysterics. Sasuke was going to kill him, oh god he was, but it was just too innocently hilarious.

"No, no, you've gotta be pulling my leg, you bastard," Naruto gasped for breath, smothering stray giggles after catching sight of Sasuke's expression. "You're telling me you've never played with yourself? Not for fun or stress relief?"

"No," he said, obviously fucking irritated.

"And no one has ever talked to you about it?"

Of course they haven't, Naruto thought. Sasuke lost his family and everyone would've just thought that sex stuff was something the boy would pick up somehow with his mates.

And Sasuke was probably-

"You're a virgin!"

Sasuke lifted his chin. "And? So?"

Naruto smiled, continuing with Sasuke's leftover dinner. "No, that's cool. Awesome really. I respect that."

"Good."

"Um, but," Naruto added around a mouthful of noodles. "You do know now that masturbating isn't going to make you blind, right?"

Sasuke sighed, folding his arms over the table and slouching a little. "I suspected as much."

"And yet you still haven't done it!"

Naruto just shook his head at the other boy's slight shrug, but then looked at him slyly.

"You know, it's heeeeaps better when someone else does it for you."

He was expecting Sasuke to flush pink again, maybe call him a loser or throw something at his head. Not-

"I'll remember you offered if I ever decide to give it a go."

This time, Naruto flushed.