It took Tony all of two hours to swallow his pride and go back to Steve for more advice.
Steve listened to him rant and rave for ten minutes about Bucky's stupidity before he finally said, "I really don't know what you expected. If you tell him we're getting another teammate, of course he's going to assume we're actually getting a new teammate."
"You told me it would work," Tony said accusingly.
"I never said anything about referring to the baby as a new teammate. That was all your idea."
"But you told me if I talked to him all serious business that he'd actually listen to me."
"A new teammate is a serious matter, too, Tony." He sighed and shook his head. "You're making this a lot harder than it needs to be."
"Then make it easier," Tony hissed. "You've known him a lot longer than I have. What does it take to get through to him?"
"I already explained it to you, Stark."
Tony craned his neck upwards until he spotted Loki on top of the book shelf. "Okay, I tried your idea," he said. "I found a picture of a baby in a superhero outfit, even. What could be more obvious? But Bucky thought I wanted him to wear the outfit."
Steve and Loki both sighed and shook their heads.
"The situation is more serious than I thought," Loki said. "Perhaps we should consult Phil."
For some unfathomable reason, Loki and the agent were the best of friends now. They played chess together, had long philosophical debates, and went to dumb things like the opera and philharmonic symphony together. It was all really unsettling and Tony half-hoped it was all some elaborate game of "keep your enemies closer" and they were actually secretly plotting against each other.
"We're not telling Coulson," Tony said firmly.
"Why not? He's used to dealing with the idiots at SHIELD on a regular basis. I'm sure he could come up with a plan for you."
"Because I don't want all of SHIELD knowing about this. Someone overhears me talking to Agent, they start gossiping with their buddies and soon every damn person knows. And some idiot will congratulate Bucky on knocking me up and I swear I will kill whoever tells Bucky before I do."
"I'll be happy to assist you with that," Loki said pleasantly. "I have a nice selection of daggers to choose from."
"Don't listen to Loki," Steve said. "You just need to have another talk with him."
Loki rolled his eyes. "Oh, sure, don't listen to Loki. But when you inevitably fail, Stark, you'll wish you had one of my daggers in hand." He vanished in a puff of green smoke.
Steve clapped his hands on Tony's shoulders. "You can do this," he said. "Without violence."
Tony smiled faintly. He would certainly try. But he wasn't making any promises.
"Alright, I'll leave you to it," Steve said as he gathered up his towel and water bottle for the gym. "Update me on how it goes."
Tony rubbed his hands together. "Okay, Jarvis. Where's Bucky?"
"In your shared bathroom, Sir. He has just emerged from the shower."
Ooh, that was a sight Tony had definitely missed. Bucky with just a towel around his waist, hair plastered against his cheeks, water dripping down his chest. If he got upstairs fast enough, he might be able to...
No, he couldn't. How was he going to have a serious conversation with his mate when all he wanted to do was lick his abs? As much as it killed him, he was going to have to wait.
He heaved a sigh. "Let me know when he's dressed."
Fifteen minutes later, Jarvis gave the all-clear and Tony headed upstairs to their room. He carefully pushed open the door to the bathroom and his heart dropped as he saw Bucky sitting on the edge of the counter, idly playing with the bottle of prenatal vitamins.
"Gah! What are you doing with my vitamins?" He snatched the bottle out of Bucky's hands. Of all the ways for him to find out, stumbling across his prenatal vitamins was probably the worst.
Bucky frowned. "I lost mine in the field so I took one of yours. I didn't know it was that big of a deal."
"Bucky, you can't take these! These are formulated specifically for my nutritional needs. You could be getting an overdose of calcium or magnesium or-"
"Relax," Bucky said. "It won't kill me to take omega vitamins for one day. If I downed the whole bottle, sure. But a few extra milligrams of calcium won't hurt me. I just won't have a glass of milk tomorrow and it'll all even out." He kissed Tony's forehead. "I'll buy myself some more vitamins tomorrow. I promise."
Tony offered him a weak smile and a mumbled excuse about having to pee. Once he shut the door behind him, he sank to the floor and breathed a sigh of relief. Just this once, he was grateful Bucky was such an idiot.