Disclaimer in haiku form:
No. This is not mine,
It belong's to Jim Henson.
5 syllables!
They were doing the supermarket shop in Soho. The reason she was dawdling down the neon-lit maze of twisting laneways; packed full of chic little restaurants selling quinoa and other health foods that tasted like cardboard, bars (both gay and straight) and clothing stores where all the clothes had been preowned at least twice, was because Sarah swore black and blue that she was not going within a one-mile radius of her usual place with Jareth and a baby. There would be far too many assumptions. There probably were assumptions being made as it was, but at least she didn't know any of these people. She was probably exposing the baby to numerous amounts of bad influences, but after weighing it up against the fact that the current Goblin King may have had the same taste in fashion as the previous, she figured she wasn't doing any real damage. Before setting off they had wrapped a few of Sarah's scarves around the baby and found a red tea cosy with pink spots to service as a beanie. It had a pompom dangling precariously on the top which made her giggle whenever the baby bobbed up and down. It was probably because of this that she had to keep a hold of Jareth's hand, as within the first five minutes she had managed to get lost twice and the puff ball haired Goblin King had grabbed her hand and begun dragging her through the crowds, weaving in and out of the people like a fish in water. Sarah peered around inquisitively. There were all sorts around here. Most of the shops had set out twinkling fairy lights all ready for Christmas, others had stuck up little plastic trees. Over by a baby-blue cake shop, which was wafting the most delicious smells and mingling with the underlying odour of beer, a woman swerved her way through the masses of people on a hot pink tricycle. A man in sleek, bright red hooker boots toddled past, before staggering into the nearest bar. Banners of all colours, advertising butchers and bakers and organic beeswax candle makers, fluttered dully in the wind. Near the candy cane striped barbers shop a man slinked by, his navy blue tail curling lazily behind him. "Wait a second!" she thought with some confusion "A tail!"
She whipped her head around just quickly enough to see its barbed tip disappearing into the crowd. "Jareth!" she hissed in his ear, "there was a man with a tail! Just over there." She pointed off in the direction of the barber shop.
He glanced in the direction, lips curling in a slow smile. "And?"
She clung to his arm looking baffled. "And? What do you mean 'And?' There are Under-grounders wandering around out in the open, without glamours on, where anyone could see them! He could give the whole thing away!"
"Sarah dear," she bristled slightly from the pet name but decided not to make a scene in public. "This is Soho. It is the heart of London's art, music and fashion scene... and other enjoyments," his smirk widened as they passed a shop displaying a woman lounging in thin strips of leather. She had probably just ruined the baby's innocence forever.
"That doesn't matter Jareth!" she said as she frantically tried to shield Baby's eyes. "He's going to give it all away! Everything we've worked for. I have to tell Bea right now! Someone's going to notice."
Jareth snickered quietly. It was not funny at all! Bea got really cranky when someone phoned her after hours and she didn't want to make it worse by saying some stupid Under-grounder had decided to go walking around without his glamour firmly in place.
"It's not funny Jareth!" she said menacingly as the baby tried to squirm its way out of her arms.
"It's incredibly funny."
"Is not!" she retorted sharply.
A smug expression played around his lips. "Darling, as I said before, you're standing in the centre of influential art. How should I put this for you?" he mused. "Immigrants from my part of the world are drawn here like a moth to a flame. Over half the people you see here are well aware of the downstairs department and the other half..." he trailed off as a couple strolled by linked arm in arm. One with long white-blonde hair curled around their waist, and the other fluttered false eyelashes at least an inch long. "... well let's just say that those two certainly aren't from my neck of the woods. Now stop getting so hot under the collar pet. You're upsetting the baby."
Sarah ground her teeth, bobbing the baby up and down, causing the pompom to jiggle. "You're upsetting the baby Sarah!" she grumbled to herself as Jareth scanned the buildings. "Pshh, I'm not the one wandering around topless, introducing the innocent minded to gay bars and cabaret. But now that I think about the gay bars, do explain the suffocating amount of glitter you just happen to have lying around?"
"There it is!" he yanked her arm so hard she was certain it nearly came out of its socket. "Obviously didn't like the gay comment" she thought shrewdly.
He pulled her towards a narrow set of worn steps leading downwards. A single light bulb flickered ominously to light the way. As she got further down the steps she noticed the tang of spices drifting in the air.
"Danger!" her mind screamed. "It'll be ok," she reassured herself, "we've been with Jareth a week and he hasn't tried anything yet. Besides, if he does try anything, we can kick his scrawny, fae butt." Warily she made her way down the last three steps and peered into the room. She couldn't see for a moment as her eyes were assaulted with the commercial white light. Blinking away the black dots dancing around her vision, eventually she made out rows and rows of stacked shelves selling the strangest of foods. "Sea Urchin powder? Hello Kitty Candy?" Sarah balanced the baby in one arm and picked up a packet to examine it. Sarah wrinkled her nose in disgust as she looked at the packet showing some young YouTube vlogger who was merrily holding up a bowl of, according to the packet, what appeared to be fish sperm. "Scrummy," she thought, curling her lip.
"Ahem."
Startled, Sarah put down the packet hurriedly and turned to face a short, stout woman in her mid to late fifties.
"Hallo! I'm Lei Lin," she said pointing to her name tag, pinned proudly to her chest. "Can I help you today?" her face wrinkled with a happy smile to reveal a row of sharp, pointed teeth.
Sarah took an unconscious step back. "Oh... um, me and my..."she trailed off, a puzzled expression on her face. "What did she call Jareth? Partner? Like in crime obviously but..." she shrugged, "What I meant to say was, Jareth and I are just grabbing some food for junior here," she jiggled the baby to illustrate her point. Baby gurgled grumpily. The woman's ears seemed to prick up at Jareth's name.
"Jareth?" she asked slowly, "That is an... unusual name."
Sarah could have kicked herself, "Stupid, stupid, stupid." "It's, um..." she looked around frantically. "Well, I'd rather you not tell anyone but..." an idea suddenly struck her like a lightning bolt, "It's my... um... pet name for him," she said, trying to look embarrassed and easily succeeding.
The woman's eyes widened with realisation. "Oh, I see! Don't worry. I won't tell," she said with a sly wink.
Just then Jareth rounded the corner, arms full of baby formula, diapers, a pacifier and other odds and ends. Sarah shot him a look that hopefully said, "Where have you been?" and not "I look forward to using your pet name later tonight."
"Right," she thought, mentally rolling up her selves. "Put all those acting dreams to good use Williams. Time to play happy families."
Sarah forced a grin to her face, "There he is!" Jareth stiffened with slight confusion, as Sarah confidently strode over and wrapped an arm around his waist. After a moment of thought she stood up on tiptoes and pecked him on the check. She was so going to have to find the mouth wash tonight. Or bleach. Jareth opened and shut his mouth a few times before settling on a bemused expression. "Most likely horrified that a mortal had the gall to touch him," Sarah figured.
"Hello darling," he said faintly.
The shopkeeper nodded with a happy expression. "Such a wonderful couple. Come, you pay now," she waddled off with a slight spring in her step. Jareth, Sarah and the baby following close behind. While the little woman was scanning their items, Sarah's eyes trailed over the trashy magazines before settling on one that she didn't recognise. In bold print across the top it read: 'Ten things humans WON'T tell you: The benefits of having snapchat.' Sarah felt her curiosity perk. That was odd. Bea never told her the Under-grounders had their own magazines. Picking it up she put it next to the 24-pack of diapers.
"Jared, why are we buying so many diapers?"
Jareth's eye twitched. "Nappies." he hissed back.
Sarah blinked in stunned confusion, "What?"
"You're not in the Colonies anymore," he said through gritted teeth, "don't call them diapers, you call them nappies."
Sarah resisted the urge to roll her eyes. They had already had this discussion with numerous other objects. They were biscuits not cookies. They were walking on the pavement not the sidewalk. Father Christmas was coming soon, not Santa. Jareth had then grumbled about how offended Nick would be if he heard her saying that.
"Yeah, okay, why are we buying so many nappies?"
Jareth shrugged, "Goblins," he said as if it explained everything. Actually, it did.
"Fair enough," Sarah said grabbing the receipt. When she saw the cost of everything, she let out a low whistle, her eyebrows nearly shot off her face. "That is a lot of money for baby formula," she murmured.
"It's fine," Jareth said under his breath, "I'll cover it."
Sarah narrowed her eyes. "How do you get so much money? Where do you even work?"
Jareth flashed her a grin as he carefully counted out the pound notes, before handing them over, "I'll tell you when we get home."
Sarah pouted, "Overdramatic drama king," she thought as she passed Jareth and the baby, picking up the bag of groceries. Lei Lin quickly reached over and shoved something else in there.
"Good luck charm!" she explained, "helps with fertility," she said waggling her eyebrows.
Jareth quickly wrapped his arm around Sarah's shoulders and half led, half dragged her outside before she had time to argue. From the moment she left the store, Sarah's stomach was growling like a humpback whale. After quickly disposing of the fertility charm, Sarah, Baby and Jareth located a Pizza place. A bearded waiter stood aimlessly in the doorway. He gave off the air of someone who seemed to say, 'Hey, I'm cool. Me and my beanie are going to chill here a moment.' and Sarah was amazed that his voice was so baritone considering how tight his skinny jeans were.
"Evening. Coming in for some totes delicious pizza and, like, the best home brewed beer you've ever tasted?"
Sarah nodded gratefully. Pizza. That was what she needed right now. A massive, greasy pizza. "Sounds great. Could we have a table for three please?"
The man shook his head. "Sorry babe, as much as we here at the Coffin Joe's Pizza Parlour and Micro-brewery respect that you like, want some downtime with the mini-man and your main man, we want you to know that we don't believe in the concept of tables as it ruins our totally jazzing vibe."
Sarah literally had no idea what he had just said but decided that maybe it was for the best to just get takeaway.
"Um... yeah... of course. Don't want to do that. Gotta dig those jazzin' vibes you got grooving around."
She heard Jareth snicker behind her as the man nodded solemnly.
"Amen to that sister. Do you want to come in and crash in the pillow pit? We bring out some pizza and you can relax to the sound of the universe?"
Sarah shook her head, "No thanks. Could you just bring out a menu and we get takeaway, maybe? It's getting a bit late for junior any way."
"Right-io, you the boss, lady," the waiter gave her a little salute, marching off. The pretentious jerk. He probably knitted socks for fun.
Sarah turned to Jareth, "What the hell just happened?"
Jareth winked with a smirk, "Perhaps if you chilly down a bit you'll find out... babe."
When the waiter came back, Sarah was busy glowering in one corner and Jareth was stood as far away from her as possible, rubbing one arm and wincing, the baby grumbling in the other arm.
"Here you go!" he said handing over the menus, which were incredibly hard to read as they had been scrawled on an aged newspaper, purely for the aesthetic.
Sarah squinted at the writing. "Does that say... mushroom, pear and broccoli pizza?"
The man nodded as if someone had just told him the meaning of life. "Yeah bra. One of the best sellers."
"Doesn't that sound like one of the worst things in the world?" Jareth mumbled in her ear. The waiter sniffed indignantly, glaring seriously at Jareth. "I think you'll find that one of the worst things in the world, was actually World War Two. Or had you neglected the suffering of millions because of your dislike of the simple fungi?" Sarah flinched as she felt Jareth raise himself to full height, condescendingly staring down at the waiter. She was completely prepared for 'World War Three' when, fortunately, Baby decided that now was the best time to start wailing. Sarah looked apologetically at the waiter, "Sorry about that, I guess I'll just feed him."The waiter put up his hands in protest, "Babe. The vibes. Because it crashes the mellow, we don't allow breast-feeding."
"Shame," Jareth mumbled.
When Sarah glared over, he looked up innocently from his menu.
"What?" he asked, eyebrows raised, "they don't do Hawaiian."
Sarah turned back to the waiter, "We'll have two margaritas to takeaway please." The waiter nodded, scribbling something down on his note pad, "Two little Sonny Jim pizza's coming your way."
The next fifteen minutes Sarah found as challenging as the Labyrinth. Between Jareth and the baby, and the waiter offering her his mixtape; A harmonious blend of marbles sporadically being dropped on a xylophone, Sarah was surprised she made it back to the apartment in one piece. Steaming pizzas in one hand, baby supplies in the other. Quickly feeding the baby, Sarah changed its nappy, as Jareth would have put it, and threw on her old Christmas film, 'The Snowman' for it to watch while she and Jareth had dinner. A bleached haired David Bowie took muffled steps into what was, apparently, his darkened, musty attic and informed the viewers with a whimsical sigh that, "This attic was full of memories" for him. The baby gurgled happily at the glam-rock God as he now described how he spent all his summers by the seaside. Sarah decided immediately that the baby had great taste and would grow up to be president someday. Jareth stuck his head into the living room, "Do you want to just eat on the couch?"
Sarah shrugged, "Yeah, why not? Live on the edge and all those jazzin' vibes," she said pinching her face and putting on the snooty voice of their waiter.
Jareth smirked wickedly, "Some totes amaze pizza coming right up boss."
Another fifteen minutes later and the baby was peacefully asleep (and finally quiet). Jareth was sprawled across the couch, whereas Sarah was curled up, almost catlike, in an armchair opposite, munching contentedly on a slice of pizza, when a thought occurred to her. "How did you pay for all that stuff tonight Jareth?" she asked inquisitively, flicking a stray piece of broccoli off her pizza.
He shrugged dismissively, "I have a well-paying job."
That perked her curiosity, "What do you do?" she mumbled through a mouth full of pizza.
Jareth stretched leisurely, "I work in a strip club," he said as Sarah choked on a hunk of pizza.
"You WHAT?" she gasped, tears streaming down her red, blotchy face.
He waggled an eyebrow, "Gottcha."
Sarah covered her face in mortification. "I can't believe I fell for that!" she thought, vaguely horrified images flowing through her head.
"Although," he continued thoughtfully, "if you did want me to try my hand at it Sarah, I wouldn't disagree. I could even practise with you, if you wanted."
"No, no! It's fine really," she said, her voice coming out a squeak.
"It's really no trouble," he purred, reclining on the couch, "I'm actually quiet limber-"
She had to stop this before he pulled out something else from Soho in front of the kid.
"WOAH KAY! Stop right there, mister. Anymore from you this evening," she said, pointing her pizza slice at him, "and it is STRAIGHT to the goblin time-out zone."
Jareth's trademark smirk slid into place, "Okay then, my turn."
Sarah's brow crumpled with confusion. A sense of foreboding crept over her like a young person creeping back into their house after they've stayed too late at a club.
"What do you mean your turn?"
Jareth laced his fingers together, "Well you've asked me a question, so now I get to ask you one. Think of it like a game of tennis. The first one to not be able to hit a question back loses. Now let me think... Hmm," he tapped his chin, contemplating how to torture her first obviously. "Where do you go Tuesday afternoons?"
"Easy," thought Sarah with a sigh of relief, "Theatre club. We're working on this year's Christmas pantomime."
"What's the pantomime?" he asked.
"Oh no Goblin King!" Sarah tore off a chunk of her pizza victoriously, "my turn for the question now."
Sarah considered this for a bit. She wanted to know stuff yeah, but she couldn't just come out with something like, 'Hey Jareth, y'know back in the eighties and nineties? Did you ever hear... I don't know... a woman screaming out for your help over and over again? There's the slightest chance she might have sounded a bit like me? Probably promised you your wildest dreams in exchange for freedom? You wouldn't force her to pay up on that offer would you? No? Never heard her? Cool. Okay, just wondering.'
"When I was in the Labyrinth, I made some friends but they stopped coming after a while..." "because someone told me that you'd kidnapped them," Sarah thought, gnawing a lip, not that he knew that though. It was a good question. It was pretty normal and not so weird to be asking. Unlike, 'Why have you got the same last name as me Mr. Creepy stalker?' for example.
Sarah leant forward, "Do you know what happened to them?"
Jareth settled back into the couch, munching regally on a slice of pizza. A miracle considering how much tomato sauce Sarah was certain was on her face."I haven't the foggiest. It's not as if you pushed them out of your life. I was quite aware of all the little... catch-ups you seemed to be having, despite that fact that you never invited me," the Goblin King pulled a face like he'd just sucked a lemon. "Technically they should have been able to visit you whenever they liked, not that I wanted them to," he pursed his lips together for a second, "Usually the Labyrinth lets them visit whoever last beat it."
Sarah frowned slightly, "The last person to have beat you? You mean others have beaten the Labyrinth?"
The way Jareth rolled his eyes as if to say, 'Well duh.' Sarah felt kind of miffed. It was a bit like when you were younger, finding out that another kid's dad was also called 'dad.'
"Who? How? What was their time? Did you do all that stuff with them?"
Jareth merely booted a bulbous nosed goblin (possibly self-named Steve. Sarah wasn't really sure as he wasn't one of her regulars) away from the pizza he'd been scuttling precariously close to. "I think that's more than one question."
"Fine," huffed Sarah, "Your turn, I guess."
They continued on like this for easily another three hours. Baby woke up once and Sarah had to vacate her armchair after Baby had left a rather smelly stain, but Jareth was more than willing to share the couch, her feet sitting in his lap.
Sarah had missed this kind of boy-girl company. She'd had lots of guys she could chill with back in America, because really in theatre at least one in three are just a little gay, but ever since her move to England she'd only really had her male work colleague. While he was great, he was also incredibly awkward. Sarah was glad she'd found this tentative friendship in Jareth. They continued his little game, discussing many different subjects until, that is, they started each discussing the first time they kissed someone.
"Mine is worse!" Sarah bragged proudly.
Jareth gave a smug smile, "Unless it was with a Goblin, I doubt it."
Sarah poked out her tongue, "You kissed a goblin? Ick. Don't tell me you got that lonely."
"I didn't!" his voice rose defensively, "It was hardly my fault at any rate! The bloody thing was catapulted towards my face. That was the first assassination attempt on my life. You're lucky I'm still alive."
"And it was your first snog?"
Jareth waved a hand, "Details, details. You still can't beat it though can you?"
Sarah felt her cheeks flush with the scent of a challenge and her eyes sparkled triumphantly. No one could beat her! She was famous in her hometown. They literally called it 'Getting the Sarah' when you had someone you didn't like mooning over you.
"It was the summer after I met you," she said, setting the scene. "We'd just finished the school play, 'The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.' It was great! We had a snow machine and everything! I played Susan and it was the best. Probably the proudest my mom's ever been of me."
Jareth nodded.
"So, we decided to have the after party at this rollerblading place, because, y'know, that was the cool thing to do back then. I was skating around, minding my own business, when suddenly the guy who played Peter, Susan's brother, I think he was called Ash Thomson or something..., but anyway he tripped in front of me and fell."
"And you tripped over too and landed on his face?" Jareth asked with a slight sneer.
Sarah grinned cheekily, "It was so much worse than that. I went to go help him up and then when I had, he didn't let go of my hand! I was trapped. It was so horrible. He had the knobbliest knees. I just figured, 'This is my life now. I'm stuck holding this pimply guy's sweaty hand forever.' And we keep going around and around the rink and he kept tripping, so I told him there was a room out the back for beginners where he could practise and he asked if I could help him get there, and being the idiot I was, I did help him. Anyway, long story short, he slobbered all over me, accidentally sprained my ankle and I ended up feeling like I'd committed incest because he'd been my pretend brother for the past few months."
"Did he have bad breath?"
"Jareth!" Sarah play nudging him with her fluffy slippered foot, feigning scandalisation. "Don't ask a thing like that! I bet your teeth are half rotting out of your face."
"Are not! Crooked, yes. Rotting, no. Admit it Sarah, you'd much rather have my mouth pressed against yours, than that slobbering idiot's, wouldn't you?"
Sarah hadn't really been listening as the ex-Goblin King had captured her foot, and her heels had been killing her all day and god, his hands were just so wonderful. How did he even do that? He could definitely have been a professional masseuse. "Maybe that was his job."
Sarah sighed happily, snuggling deeper into the coach. "Hm? Yeah, sure. Mine was worse though," she closed her eyes sleepily, "How much longer was that baby going to be here?" "You had maybe a split second of greasy goblin gob. I had to put up with Ash's slobber for- ooh."
Damn he was good at rubbing feet. Sarah considered letting him continue, as he pushed up the flannel of her PJ pants, but she'd read an article once about a man being paralysed for life after being poked in a pressure point on his foot and Sarah didn't really need that. Besides he could do all kinds of scary things when she was paralysed. Like stealing her stuff.
"Hands off grabby," she said firmly, giving him a nudge in the stomach.
Jareth held up his hands in surrender, "So Ms. Williams got pashed by her fake brother. That is quite bad. Not as bad as a goblin but it's up there," he admitted.
Sarah snorted, wiping tears from her eyes, "Sure, sure, you'd think but he did the same thing with Mrs. Beaver, The Snow Queen and some poor deer from ensemble after I'd left." Sarah felt the laughter quickly quiver and then shrivel up and die in her chest, leaving her feeling quite empty. "He's probably nearly fifty now," she added feeling melancholy, staring at the suddenly cold, unappetising pizza. She would "get those bastards," her internal mantra raged.
Jareth frowned suddenly, "What happened? All those years ago? Where did you go?"
Sarah opened her mouth to respond, when there was a sudden lingering smell of ozone crackling through the air. Before she could even blink, there was a blinding flash and the crack of a shotgun. Scrambling off the couch, she looked around to see the source of the noise, but she couldn't even see two feet in front of her face with all the strangely sticky fog hanging around. Somewhere across the room she heard Jareth coughing.
"Shit."
A/N: And so now this has been updated too. Everything is being put in it's rightful place. All thanks to the most wonderful of betas: Sazzle76.
You know writing is a lot like being a pirate. You steal the stuff you like and say it's yours. Everyones got canons and ships. If I was a pirate, Sazzle would most definitely be the first mate around here. Look how organised and clean the poop deck is! Aragh.