This is one of those things I write which goes nowhere. So it can live here. Daryl/Carol friendship. Merle sadness. :(
When there were tasks to keep him busy, he was able to push aside those dark thoughts. He wore a mask, could pretend that everything was okay. That he was okay.
But during those dark hours, his thoughts went back to him. And it consumed him.
She watched it happen time and time again.
As the day darkened, his mood soured.
And he'd drift away from the others.
Mostly he'd go to his cell, lay on his bunk and fake sleep. Sometimes he went into the depth of the prison.
If he went there, she never followed.
And she didn't always follow him to his cell. Only if he acknowledged her before he slipped away, because she learnt that sometimes he just needed someone to be with him.
He didn't want to be alone all the time.
And there was no talking to Daryl when he was like this.
Not unless he wanted to talk.
She'd heard others make that mistake. Try to engage him in something as he left to be alone and his sharp retort would make them snap back. She'd heard him and Rick get into a row one time after he'd snapped at Carl, but Rick started to understand.
Knew that there was a time where Daryl needed to be left alone.
They'd had a late run this day. Some of the baby formula had been spoilt and they needed to get some quickly. So the run had been rushed and last minute and they hadn't returned until late.
A lot of the older folks were sleeping when they returned.
They talked in hushed voices and Carol and Beth dished food up for those that had missed out earlier and they ate huddled together, relieved the run had been successful.
She hadn't really been intentionally watching him. She supposed her eye often went to him.
They only had one another now. They were the two spares in the group and no one else would watch out for them like they'd watch out for one another.
So as she sat watching him casually as she cleaned one of the pots.
And she saw it happen. Saw how the sadness washed over him, consumed him completely.
He didn't even finish his meal before he was up and moving across the room.
He didn't usually leave quite so abruptly, not wanting to draw attention to himself. Seemed his need to go was greater this evening. Rick called out after him but it went unanswered and a heavy silence remained with them.
"I'll go and check on him," Carol said discarding the pot.
"You sure that's a good idea. You know how he gets," Beth gently reminded her.
Carol smiled at the young woman. "I won't have to say a word. He'll either want to see me or he won't." And she didn't waste another moment following Daryl's path up the stairs and to his cell.
He was sat there, waiting for her, so it seemed.
She smiled at him but he didn't return it.
"He could have had a chance here," he started.
"Merle?" she asked quietly, even though she knew. He nodded.
"I wanted him to come here. Knew if he got a chance, he could make up for all of the shit that happened. Didn't get enough time."
"No. There's never enough time any more."
"I wanted my brother back," he muttered.
"Oh Daryl," Carol muttered as she came over and sat beside him.
But he didn't want her sympathy. "Just go. Get out!" He barked at her as he stood up and pulled at her arm. He wouldn't look at her as she made her way out of the cell, leaning on the wall just outside the door.
She could hear him still.
His strained sobs he tried to keep at bay.
He didn't want her to see him upset.
He didn't take long to calm himself back down. And she couldn't hear him any more.
"Carol?" he asked quietly.
"I'm still here," she replied, just as quietly. She stayed on the other side of the wall.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. It didn't make it less sincere.
"I know. I'm sorry too."