Having no prior knowledge to where the Janitor actually lived, I had to ask his friends and hope they were telling the truth.
At exactly 4:53 in the morning, I knocked on his door, wondering what hell he would put me through first.
The Janitor opened the door looking very much like he just rolled out of bed. His shirt clung to one shoulder, the rest drooping off hopelessly. His hair was even messier than usually and he had a peaceful-sleep look in his eyes. JD stared at him for a moment, unsure of what to do. The Janitor yawned widely and rubbed the sleep out of one eye.
"Mornin'," He grunted and let JD in. JD nodded and looked around. It looked very similar to the house the Janitor tricked him into robbing.
"Nice place," JD muttered. The Janitor didn't hear him; he had already padded into the kitchen to make coffee.
"You want coffee?" The Janitor looked to JD for an answer.
JD was sipping coffee from a green mug as the Janitor read the paper.
"Thanks for the coffee, Janitor," JD smiled thankfully. The Janitor nodded and smirked. Suddenly, JD turned into a squirrel.
"Huntin' time, little buddy," The Janitor growled while taking out a net. JDSqurriel squeaked and ran off into the house, dodging the Janitor in a very Tom and Jerry manner.
"No thanks," JD sat down at the kitchen table, staring awkwardly at the Janitor's back. He sat down at the table with coffee in hand, still rubbing sleep from his eyes.
"Your first task of the day will be taking stock of my squirrel army. Make sure everyone's there. There was a break in at a house a couple blocks down and I want to be sure no one gets stolen," The Janitor took a sip of his coffee thoughtfully. JD just stared at him like he was crazy (in JD's defense, the Janitor was kind of crazy); "There's roughly 200 of them. Here's a list of their names and a picture of them," He handed JD a clipboard.
"200 taxidermied squirrels?" JD looked at him with a cocked eyebrow. The Janitor nodded soundly as toast popped out of the toaster. He got up from his chair and got the two slices and put them both on a plate.
"Butter or cream cheese?" He asked without looking at the young doctor.
"Cow fudge!" JD chirped happily. He immediately clamped his hands over his mouth in embarrassment at the Janitor shot him a questioning look. "I like to play with words…" He mumbled as a fierce blush spread across his face.
"Okay… so I'm guessing that's cream cheese?" He started to spread the cream cheese on one of the slices, regardless of JD's answer.
JD took the toast, chewing noisily on it and adverting his eyes from the older and much taller man.
"Where do you keep your squirrel army?" That sounds like some weird innuendo.
"In my garage. Here, follow me," He waved his hand in a 'come' commandment and JD obediently followed.
"You're not going to send in a family of raccoons on me, are you?" JD asked as he stuck he head around the larger man.
"…Dammit. Okay just count the squirrels. I'll be busy sleeping on my couch," He yawned and walked away from JD, who just stood there, gawking at the squirrels.
"They stare into my soul…" He said, wide-eyed in fear.
--
About an hour later, the Janitor came into the garage to check on JD's progress. He found the young doctor passed out in his chair, drooling slightly.
He kicked the chair and JD jerked up and muttered "What?" but fell back into place. The Janitor sighed and took the clipboard from his hands and saw that all squirrels were accounted for.
"Alright, wake up Scooter," He nudged the chair again. This time, JD actually woke up.
"The squirrels is comin' fer me…" He muttered as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
"Damn right they are. Anyway, your next task is to do my laundry," He held up a large basket full of clothes. JD's went extremely wide as he stared at the multiple janitor's uniforms and other various clothes, including what looked like a squirrel suit.
"Is that a… squirrel suit?" JD poked the side of the basket and stared up at the Janitor.
"That's for later. Laundry. Now," He pushed the basket into JD's arms and went to leave.
"Where's your laundry room?" JD called after him right before he was out of earshot.
"I don't have one. You have to go the Laundra-Mat a couple blocks away. Take my van but I expect it back in the exact same condition," He tossed JD the keys.
--
"I can't believe I have to do this guy's laundry," JD grumbled as he threw the clothes into a machine. He inserted the quarters and the machine started to wash the load. JD leaned against the rumbling machine, grumbling and looking like he would kill the next guy who came in.
The next man who came in just happened to be Dr. Cox.
"Holy shit. What are you doing here, Newbie?!" Dr. Cox slammed his basket down and glared angrily at the young attending doctor.
"I um… (Gulp) I'm doing laundry…" Dr. Cox looked into what remained in JD's basket and saw a janitor's uniform. He grinned up at JD wickedly.
"You're not seriously doing the Janitor's laundry are you? What, did you spend the night at his house and you offered to do his laundry to make up for that virginal sex you gave him last night?"
"No, he was going to drop me off the roof of the hospital and I promised to be his… uh, personal servant for a month…" JD suddenly became very self-conscious and scuffed his toe on the ground. Dr. Cox just rolled his eyes and began to load his laundry into a washing machine on the other side of the Laundra-Mat. JD sighed and hit his head against the rocking machine.
In fifteen minute's time, JD found himself reading the washer instructions to see what the hell could have gone wrong.
"I don't get it?! Was it the detergent or something??" He questioned loudly, holding up a pair of the Janitor's boxers. Dr. Cox heard Newbie screaming and waltzed over like the egotistical ass he was.
"Tsk, tsk Newbie. Your boyfriend won't be happy with this at all," He said. Arrogance flowed out of his voice, dripping off every word he spoke.
"What did I do wrong?!" JD asked his mentor. Dr. Cox kept smiling that god-awful smile of his.
"Well, Cynthia, it looks like a red sock wormed its way into the whites," He laughed and picked up the culprit sock. JD glared at that sock.
It's a sock from Hades!! A Satan Sock!
"You're friends with the Janitor, right Dr. Cox?" JD looked at his mentor hopefully. He nodded slowly. "Do you think he'll be mad?"
There was an intense silence, a deep sigh, and then, "Newbie, would I be mad if you turned my clothes into a marshmallow peep mess?" JD stared at him and slowly nodded.
Tears began to fill the young doctor's eyes. He looked in his hands to see the bright pink boxers that had once been white with little mops on it (How obsessed is this guy with his job?!).
"He's going to hate me," JD mumbled to the boxers more than anyone else, certainly not nosey Dr. Cox. The doctor cocked an eyebrow at his protégé, wondering why he would be this disappointed.
"Newbie… yeah, he's going to hate you but he'll get over it. It's really not that big a deal. You can get all this out with bleach," Dr. Cox held up a once-alabaster wife-beater. JD looked at him with those doe-like eyes, on the brink of tears.
"The Janitor met me on my first day as an intern. I made a comment about how there was probably a penny stuck in the door he was fixing, he thought I stuck the penny in there, and he has hated me ever since. The man can hold a grudge like no body's BUSINESS!" JD screamed.
"Okay Newbie. Get a hold of yourself, jeez. What would you do if you messed up something I told you to do?"
JD sniffled and just looked at him cluelessly.
"You would come tell me about it and then we would both fix it. The Janitor is somewhat of my friend and I know him pretty well. It'll be the same deal. Now go back there and finish being the bitch he made you," Dr. Cox patted him on the shoulder and went back to his own laundry. JD wiped the tears out of his eyes and reluctantly packed up the Janitor's laundry.
The drive back to the Janitor's home was uncomfortable enough. JD couldn't keep him out of his head, and more importantly, his anger. The only good thing about all this was he saw the Janitor's boxers.
I'm such a gay perv… That's kind of scary, actually.
He entered the house to find it cold and dark, like no one was there.
"Janitor? Are you home?" He called out as he struggled to carry the large basket of laundry.
Of course he's here, I had the van. Although, he could have gone for a walk or something.
JD looked around the one-story home and guessed which way his room would be. He followed along the corridor until he came to a door on his left. It had a picture of what looked to be a little cartoon Janitor in a castle. Underneath the drawing, it said in large crayon letters "King of the Castle". JD grinned at the thought of the Janitor, hard at work, drawing and coloring this picture.
He opened the door without a second thought, still half-chuckling to himself at the cuteness of the picture. Inside the room, there was a half-clothed Janitor, about to put on his shirt. JD stood stock still, blushing in embarrassment. He dropped the basket full of clothes and covered his eyes, as if he accidentally walked into the girls' locker room at school.
"OhmygodI'msosorryIdidn'tmeantowalkinlikethatpleasedon'tkillme!!" He blurted out. The Janitor just stared at him.
"What now?"
"Nothingnevermindhere'syourclothesI'msosorrybye," JD kicked the basket toward the Janitor and burst out of the room as fast as his chicken-legs could carry him. He dove for cover onto the Janitor's couch and hid in the cushions. There was a tense silence.
Then, he heard it:
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY CLOTHES?!"
--
I blacked out after I heard that scream. When I came to, I was standing on the Janitor's lawn in only his pink boxers, holding a cardboard sign. It said "Miss America or Bust," on it, in swirly pink letters, too. I think I also had a pink hairclip in my hair.
A lot of people walked past me, obviously staring and pointing fingers. How rude. I got a few cat calls in the four hours I was standing out there. Some guys actually tried to get my number. I gave them "my" pager number, which was actually Dr. Cox's. It felt good.
"How's it going out here?" The Janitor asked as he walked up to JD. He was finally dressed in his janitor's uniform, hair finally brushed.
"Not too bad. People have started tipping me by sticking ones into the waistband," JD looked down at his hip, which was stuffed with numerous one-dollar bills. The Janitor grabbed all those ones and counted them out.
"You've gotten over fifty dollars… and some guy's jockstrap," The Janitor held up said jockstrap, disgusted.
"Yeah I would have taken that out but seeing as you kind of glued my hands to the cardboard…" JD started shaking the cardboard, trying to free himself. The Janitor started to chuckle.
"Yeah that never gets old," He sighed contently and looked over the young doctor. JD shifted his weight from foot to foot, terribly uncomfortable.
"How much longer do I have to stand out here?"
"About…" He checked his watch, "Another hour. Don't worry, though. I'm here to keep you company," He unfolded a lawn chair JD didn't notice he was carrying.
…Yay.
"…So… why mops?" JD looked down at the boxers he was sporting. The pink had almost completely hidden the tiny mop designs that decorated the pair.
"Because I'm a janitor? Jeez, you're dense,"
"Well, I thought that but really… I mean, I'm a doctor but I don't buy pairs of boxers that have little stethoscopes all over them,"
"Well, sorry I'm not as 'sophisticated' as you doctors!" The Janitor even did little air quotes to complete his point. JD just rolled his eyes at the lunacy of it all. He didn't speak for a minute, mildly pissed off at this man for humiliating him like this. Then, a thought hit him.
It's not like my legs are glued to the grass or anything. I can just run away… in boxers… okay, at best, I can run into his house and dodge him until he finally gets me. Eh, worth a shot.
JD turned around slowly to face the front door which was about twenty feet away. The Janitor just stared at him, his curiosity aroused. Suddenly, JD sprinted for the door, screaming like a banshee. The Janitor chased after him immediately.
The doctor sped inside the home, running through the living room and then the kitchen. Looking behind him, he saw the Janitor was running behind him, barley out of breath.
Dammit, I forgot he used to run track!
JD turned a corner sharply, and ducked into the Janitor's bedroom. He shoved it closed with his butt and hid in the closet, panting. He heard a painful crash and winced as the Janitor screamed a string of curse words. The door opened calmly with a faint 'click'; JD held his breath. There was a painful silence.
"I know you're here, little squirrel," The Janitor cooed menacingly, "You should know that I have a sixth sense for telling when little squirrels are afraid,"
JD's face went red and he silently prayed to whatever god was available at the time to not let the Janitor find him. Unfortunately, the gods don't answer your prayers if you haven't nailed down which one you worship. That being said, the Janitor opened his closet door and grinned like a crocodile at the cowering doctor.
"Gotchya,"