I've been sleeping badly lately. Well. Badly is a bit of an understatement. I have, what, two nightmares a night on average? I relive that night in the alley every day. Whenever I close my eyes, they're there. Oh, God, they're in my head. Those men. I'm disgusted with myself for letting them in. Weak.

School's been awful. Before that night, I had always made sure I looked pristine for school. I refused to let the kids have another thing to make fun of me for. I felt stronger when I went to school like that. Now I don't really care. I get stares for the bags under my eyes. My hair is rarely brushed. I don't eat as much as I used to.

Eva's noticed. I feel her eyes follow me everywhere. I mean, I know she's worried, but it's really not helping my post-rape paranoia. I cringe at the word 'rape'. I decide to cut it out of my theoretical mind dictionary. Or whatever that's called.

I venture downstairs on a Saturday morning, smelling Eva's delicious cooking. I say good morning and sit down while she fixes me a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. Once I'm done eating I get up to put the dishes in the dishwasher, one of the only ones in District 12, and she joins me.

"I think you should go to the bakery and get us a loaf." she says.

I pause, looking at her like she's grown two heads.

"It's been a week. I know it's hard, but you need to start getting over this. You need to work on it, and I think a trip like that will help."

I'm thinking. My mind follows the route to the bakery from my house and it passes the alley no no I cannot, I cannot go there.

I think Eva realizes this and she puts a hand on my shoulder to calm me down.

"Will you... Come with me?" I say, in a small voice. Weak.

"Sure, baby." she says, smoothing my hair down. "We'll go in an hour. Can you do that?"

I nod, and head upstairs. I sit on the edge of my bed, trying to ready my mind. I can't get over the alley. I can't get over it. Before I know it my time is up and I hurriedly run a brush through my hair, grab some shoes and get downstairs. Eva is waiting for me with her woven basket and little hat. I inhale deeply and go through the doorway after her.

She tries to distract me by pointing things out in the square. I'm not paying attention, I'm too busy counting the steps until the place where I know the alley is. We get right in front of it and I stop. I can't move. I feel like if I move past the space where the wall is out into the open entrance of the alley I'll get sucked up into it and back to that night. She patiently waits for me at the other side and I give her a pleading look. She starts talking to me, coaching me, and people are staring. I look into the alley like it'll swallow me up. I see a stand on the opposite end of the square, give Eva a look and go over to it. When I get there I promptly turn to go in the direction of Eva, keeping myself at and angle so I'll surely miss the alley. I'm pretty damn proud of myself, but Eva gives me a look like I'm being ridiculous.

We get to the bakery and Eva orders our bread, and I see Peeta.

"Hey! How've you been?" I ask.

He gives me a half-hearted smile and shrugs, in such a way that I get a glimpse of a huge bruise on the back of his jaw.

"Peeta." I breathe, reaching out to touch it and he turns his head to the other side and mumbles, "It's nothing."

I shake my head, I should no better, I don't like people noticing my bruises either. but before I can say anything his mother comes in and demands his help in the kitchen. I walk back over to Eva and she puts her arm around my shoulder as we walk out.

We're just making our way past the jewelery shop when I see them. They're talking to a young woman. Chatting. Oh, God. The men that have plagued my nightmares for the past week are right there, chatting up this other girl. In my mind flash images of them touching her. They grab her skirt. They unbutton her shirt. She's crying. Am I crying?

Oh, God I can't breathe. Did they see me? Where's Eva? I need Eva, Oh God where is she? Is she in the alley, did they get her? I turn franticly, trying to see, trying to find her but nothing in the square is familiar anymore. It's dark and it's scary and I can't see.

I breathe in gasps. My hands are clawing my chest, like they're trying to reach in to grab my lungs and make them work. I'm blind. No, that's not true, I see blurs. There's a hand on my shoulder, it feels like Eva but what if it's one of them? Oh God, please don't let them touch me, not again. I feel tears on my face, where am I? Am I screaming? I try to calm down, something in the back of my mind is telling me to calm down. I try to fix my breathing but all I can think of is their hands, their hands everywhere, the alley, the darkness. Gale. I need Gale, where is he? My frazzled mind is trying to make sense of the world around me and all I think of is him. I need him to get these hands off me, I need him to save me. In the midst of my panic attack I think I say his name but I don't know, I don't know, I can't remember where I am, I can't see, I can't breathe, I can't. And then darkness envelops me.