The elves-for-reviewers thing is getting so popular I'm going to open it up to elves from other worlds, like Alagaësia, or… actually, that's the only other world with elves in it that I can think of right now…

It was raining by the time the hobbits got to Bree, and they were soaked when they finally found Starbucks.

'If you're looking for seats, we have some nice hobbit-sized booths over there,' the barista said.

'Um, thanks,' Frodo said. 'Could we get four small lattes, please?'

'Certainly, Mr...?'

'... Swaggins. Brodo Swaggins. And, is Gandalf here?'

'Gandalf? Gandalf...' the barista mused.

'Elderly chap, questionable dress sense, smokes possibly illegal pipe, terrible at singing?'

'Oh yes! That Gandalf! Haven't seen him for ages,' the barista said.

'Oh well,' Frodo said, shrugging. 'We'll just go sit down near that mysterious cloaked stranger over there.'

'Him? He's one of those deposed kings from the north. 'Round these parts we call him Strider.' The barista explained. Frodo nodded.

'Sounds legit. Let's go.'

'I thought I was that unofficial leader of the hobbits!' Merry protested.

'Nah, you got relegated to Comic Relief No.2.'

'It's not fair!'

'Tell me about it,' Sam agreed. 'I'm just the "stupid fat hobbit".'

Despite Merry's misgivings, they sat down near the mysterious cloaked stranger. Pippin took out a tube of Pringles and started eating them.

Suddenly the mysterious cloaked stranger got up, walked over to the hobbits' table, shoved a bag over Frodo's head and dragged him back to the corner. Sam, Pippin and Merry weren't paying attention and so didn't notice for several minutes.

The mysterious cloaked stranger pulled the bag off Frodo's head and said ominously, 'You should be more careful, Mr Swaggins. That is no mere treat you carry.'

'How do you know what I carry?' Frodo asked.

'Because I'm special,' the mysterious cloaked stranger (who shall henceforth for simplicity's sake be called Strider) replied. 'Are you frightened?'

'Well, first I was afraid, then I was petrified,' music swelled in the background, 'but I thought to myself, I will survive!'

Strider sighed. 'That's nice. But you're not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.'

'You do? 'Cause I don't.' Just then Sam, Pippin and Merry noticed that Frodo had gone, and wandered over to Strider's table.

'Mister Frodo, where did you go?' Sam asked.

'Oh, I just got kidnapped by a creepy guy who knows the Bikers.'

'They were once men,' Strider explained. 'Great idiots of men. They ate the cookies that Sauron gave them and got terrible food poisoning. But instead of dying, they passed into the shadow world and became wraiths. They are the Nazgul, or the Jaffawraiths. Drawn to the Oreo. They will never stop hunting you.'
'Okayyy...' Frodo said. There was a long silence broken only by the sound of Pippin eating Pringles. Then Sam said, 'Wait, who is he again?'

'I am a friend of Gandalf's.'

'Where is Gandalf?' Merry asked.

'I don't know, but we can't wait for him here any longer,' Strider replied.

'Why not?'

''Cause Starbucks closes at six, and it's already five thirty. Come on, let's go.'

'Where are you taking us?' Frodo asked as Strider led them out of Bree.

'Into the wild!'

'Will there be WiFi?'

The five of them walked for several days, which later reduced to a ten-second montage. As nothing interesting happened during this time other than a slight altercation over mealtimes, let us now return to Isengard...

Sourman stood by the Facetime Tablet, whose screen showed a giant eye, lidless, wreathed in flame. It was speaking, despite the fact that this was anatomically impossible.

'S-man, I want you to make me an army that will be totes amaze.'

''Course, dude.' Sourman switched off the Tablet and turned to the teenage girl randomly standing nearby.

'So, like, what's the scoop from Mordor?' she asked.

'My brotha from anotha motha wants an army of epic proportions. You and your people will have to cut down a whole bunch of trees.'

'Aww, do we have to?' the girl whined. 'My nail polish will chip.' Sourman unfolded a picture of Legolas and held it up to girl's face.

'OMG it's Legolas!11!1' she squealed. Sourman led her outside, and soon a whole pack of fangirls were enthusiastically chopping down trees.

At the top of Orthanc, Gandalf sat huddled in a corner of a roof as Atmospheric Rain sheeted down. A remote control fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.

Strider led the four hobbits to an abandoned petrol station in the middle of a wood.

'This was the great petrol station of Amon Sûl,' he said. 'We will rest here tonight.' He pulled four lightsabers down from a display rack, handed them to the hobbits, and then mysteriously disappeared. The hobbits waited by a petrol pump for him to return. Frodo examined his lightsaber thoughtfully. Pippin ate Pringles. Sam and Merry decided to set fire to a nearby puddle of petrol.

'What are you doing?' Frodo exclaimed.

'Just indulgin' in a bit of pyromania, Mister Frodo.'

'Put it out, you fools! Put it out!' Sam and Merry reluctantly extinguished the fire.

An unearthly shriek sounded in the distance.

'Nazgul,' Frodo muttered.

'Bless you,' Pippin said politely. Frodo facepalmed.

Six Nazgul rode up to the petrol station, got off their bikes and advanced on the hobbits, carrying large kitchen knives. Sam, Pippin and Merry all drew their lightsabers and tried to look threatening, but Frodo put the Oreo in his mouth (which was very unhygienic. Don't try this at home, kids) and became invisible.

With the Oreo in his mouth, Frodo saw that the Nazgul didn't look like cloaked figures anymore – in fact, they looked a lot like the Village People. One of them stabbed Frodo in the shoulder. Frodo spat out the Oreo, became visible again and lay screaming in pain while Sam, Pippin and Merry stood around looking confused.

Suddenly Strider reappeared with a massive torch and shone it in the Nazgul's faces. The Nazgul shrieked, ran back to their motorbikes and drove off. Sam rushed to Frodo's side. 'Can you help him?' He asked Strider.

'He's been stabbed by an IKEA stainless steel blade. Only the elves can save him now.'

'But we'll never reach them in time!' Sam protested.

'Do you have any plasters?' Strider asked. Sam looked blank.

'Plasters?'

'Band-aids.'

'Band-aids, aye, I have some with me.'

'Get them out. They may help to stop Frodo from bleeding to death.' Sam obediently pulled a box of plasters out of his backpack. Strider opened the box and began sticking plasters onto Frodo's shoulder wound.

Announcer Voice: Does your skin look like this? *shows picture of Théoden looking ancient* You need Maia Anti-Aging Cream! Maia Anti-Aging Cream will transform your appearance and your life, making you look and feel fifty years younger in just ten seconds! *shows picture of Theoden looking young and handsome* Reconnect with your family, drive out evil manipulative guys and take control of your country again! Maia Anti-Aging Cream – used by kings!

Sablestar Braveheart: Thank you, and thanks for the review!

Bronze Cat: Here, have a Glorfindel! Post-Balrog Glorfindel comes with paranoia and a fear of fire, light bulbs and matches. If Sourman and the Fabulous Saruman of Many Colours got together, they would probably form an unholy alliance…together they would be unstoppable…and they would conquer middle earth…through the power…of DANCE!

Rorythedragon: And if you feel moved to buy any of the products advertised, they can be purchased online at www . notarealwebsite /fakeurl . com…

Nirette: And here's another updateeee!

Doctor Legolas: YAY DOCTOR WHOOOO! Maybe your friends have heard of it, and they just don't remember…. o_O I'm afraid Legolas has locked himself in his dressing room and is refusing to come out until someone brings him his lip gloss, but you can have Elrond. And his eyebrows. And a razor to threaten them with *evil laugh*

Gollum girl2003 Coraline: You can have Legolas' lip gloss. Maybe you can lure him out with it.

: I shall warn Bilbo at once!
Bilbo: You lot worry too much. I just want to see the Oreo…

Willotuft: Glad you like it!

Amber: Watch this Youtube video, they said. It'll only take up five minutes of your life, they said. There's no such thing as Youtube addiction, they said…

Daisycooper: Heeere's Fëanor! And the Silmarils, which for some reason have been transformed into M&Ms.

DancingChestnut: Celebrian for you. Keep her safe from nasty orcses.

So, yeah, as stated above, reviewers for this chapter can get an elf from middle earth OR Alagaësia.