Chapter 4: Understanding

I sat in my kitchen chair with an empty blank expression, finally grasping it all in one breath. I lost something I thought would be gone or might leave. I lost something irreplaceable.

As I sat in the cold wooden chair, my hands trembled over my lap, my bottom lip quivered, my eyes expanding further than my eye sockets, my thoughts and words spilling out of my brain and swirling into tears in my eyes. None of my muscles cooperated and made me immovable and still.

My heart crying for her.

I might have sat there for maybe over an hour when I finally regained control of my body. My eyes stained and bloodshot and my body aching from head to toe. Still I do not believe, still I do not trust anything, I want this to go away.

I need her now.

Then a loud crash and flailing scenes crossed my vision and then greenish-black colors with yellow highlighted streaks passed by my eye in flashes.

I was moving.

"It's okay, please focus." A heavenly voice called out for me. I was too focused on my thoughts to care about my surroundings or anything going on.

My absolute ideas were on her only. Only her.

After what seemed like minutes I found myself in a completely furnished room with gallant drapes and aged walls, multiple people were over me as I laid on a cushioned what seems to be a bed.

It must be Edward's home. Nothing smelt so great, nothing seemed so welcomed.

"Are you okay!" the heavenly voice sounded frantic, and then I let myself focus enough to realize it was Edward speaking to me of course.

"Yes…" my voice sounded clogged by my throat, and my words were choking on air.

I felt cold chills run down my arms and through my chest. My face stuffed with heavenly scents that were barely centimeters from my face.

"What happened?" Alice screeched with her high yet surprised and anxious voice.

"The effect…" I barely noticed Carlisle's voice; it was so low and soft.

I was still trying to piece together what was happening.

"So what will we do?" Esme's gentle voice came forth.

"Go call her father we'll take care of her here." Carlisle's voice sounded closer now.

The chills got stronger making me shiver some more and my mind was beginning to cloud up, and my eyes were losing focus and concentration. The sensations were weakening.

When I woke up in the barely lit room of Edward's, I finally was able to grasp some parts of reality, for example that I was still alive and was sleeping because in fact I did have a breakdown. Edward was right; he always was from the start.

"Are you okay? Do you need water?" Edward's voice was higher than normal.

"I'm fine. Mind telling me the recent details?" I asked with wide open eyes carved with confusion.

"You wouldn't believe me, and we don't even know if our theory was correct anyway…"

"Then tell me the theory Edward, I'm concerned."

"You need rest. I'll tell you later." He whispered as he let me back into my thrown covers. I gave in very easily, but my eyes wouldn't weaken at all.

"Edward...please."

"You've already heard enough bad news, you don't need more Bella."

"Edward don't start that."
He looked down for a moment.

"I'm really sorry…I really am."
"It's her right…what happened."

I managed to gather some fragments of understanding.

"She never came home."

"Oh." It was my fault. "Do you have any idea of where she might be?"

"We were hoping Italy, but we haven't received any news yet. Alice says that she's no where near Italy. We are going to give her another day until we go out to find her." Edward's voice was unemotional.

"Do you really think she's going to be that dangerous?"

"Yes Bella. I believe full heartedly."

We had an awkward silence between us, a reflective silence.

"Why did feel like I was a zombie a while ago?" There was no other way to explain it.

"It's the effect."

I heard that before.

"What…effect?" I tilted my head so I can see his face clearly.

"Remember Daiyu?"

He was such a painful distant memory that I shoved away so many times, the bastard who ruined Kira in anyway possible.

"Yeah…" my voice was already starting to flame.

"Kira carried his disease."

It made sense. He had this irresistible disease-like sensation that no one can penetrate. Kira was the furthest to struggle free, but was heavily inflicted by him. He forced her enough so they were connected.

And never separated, always intertwined with each other regardless of what they do.

Then once he leaves, she goes hysterical and desperately does anything despite her heart's refusal to it all.

It's the torture of all tortures; the torture of beauty…the torture of believing eternal lies, the torture that only gets worse as each day moves.

An endless cycle, a true disease.

"So what are you saying?"

"She's giving you the same feelings that she has with Daiyu. Almost like separation anxiety…but of course her case is worse."

"Oh so she's doing what Daiyu does to her?" I was starting to get confused. Was she turning into Daiyu?

"Sort of, but not intentionally. That's why she doesn't like to talk to you much, but you're just as irresistible to her that she hates being apart from you…this is so hard to explain." He placed his right hand against his head.

"I think I get it."

He shook his head.

"Why did you argue with her?"

"…I don't know…" I looked down; I knew this was my entire fault.

Edward's head snapped up instantly, and then someone called for him.

"Stay here." He called as he vanished to go downstairs. I stumbled to the ground as I tried to follow, neglecting the words of Edward.

Carlisle was the one who called. They whispered to each other at the bottom of the stairs, exchanging hard expressions as the spoke. Once Carlisle nodded signaling the end, Edward turned to the front door and stormed out into the summer rain.

Things are shifting too fast for me to follow anymore.