Chapter 4: Determination

He spent the two days after Helen left in a haze. Everything seemed duller without her. His headaches had also gotten worse. Nothing made sense, and any ideas he had slipped away within minutes. But something happened that day.

Kaidan had finally gotten around to cleaning up. He was normally a tidy person, but events had left him in a sloppy mood. He looked around, taking in what needed to be fixed. Looking around, he mostly found clothes. He softly sighed. He'd have to do that eventually, so he might as well do it now. He went around the living room and kitchen, picking up clothes and folding them. He also found one sock that wasn't his. Shepard's.

Now that he'd rounded up all the clothes, he took a deep breath. He hadn't been able to sleep in the bedroom since Helen left. But he needed to put everything up. Not to mention, he needed to clean that room. So he braced himself and walked in.

It looked no different than it had when he first saw it. He could still remember the ghost of her touch, pulling her into the bed with him, begging for his touch. Now the bed was cold, a mocking reminder of what he once had, a reminder of what was taken from him.

He walked over to the dresser, putting clothes into their proper spots. He then looked around the room. There were several sets of strewn clothes, errantly tossed into corners and forgotten. He crouched down to reach several items that had been pushed into odd places. But that may have happened because of his biotics, now that he thought about it. But the jeans he grabbed from the top of the tall dresser weren't his. He remembered them well because Shepard looked so damn sexy in them. As he brought the jeans down, he heard a soft 'thunk'. Confused, he lifted himself until he could see what had made the noise. Reaching out, he grabbed what looked like an amulet.

While he was curious to know what it was, he decided to fold the clothes before he lost his train of thought. So he quickly folded everything that was his, placing it in the proper drawers. He placed the few things Shepard had left in a pile at the foot of the bed. Contented that he had done what he set out to do, he allowed himself to get absorbed in Shepard's amulet.

It was a medallion, with a raised dragonfly hovering over several multi-colored jewels. It was almost unassuming in its beauty. He sat down on the bed, letting the light catch on the jewels. He knew they were probably fake, but she was a bit of a magpie, enjoying shiny things. And she definitely would have loved the tinted reflections the jewels cast on the walls. It was a bit like her, now that he thought about it, turning everything around her into something far more colorful and beautiful than it could on its own.

Helen was obviously distracted to leave something that was obviously important here. And so was he. They both were hurting. They were both upset. On a hunch, he quickly pulled out his omni-tool, calling Chakwas.

"Hey doc, can I have a minute of your time?"

"Of course, Kaidan. Is something wrong?"

"No. I just had a question."

"Alright. What do you need to know?" She spoke after she stepped away.

"How did Shepard take the news? When you told her?"

"She was obviously still in shock over everything. I told her the basics, but not much else. She mostly waved me off. Didn't she speak with you?" Kaidan's jaw all but fell to the ground. Of course she wouldn't. She's internalizing everything, and she'll put more blame on herself than is necessary.

"No. I need to speak with her. Thank you." He made sure that Chakwas had nodded before he hung up. His head was reeling. How much does she know? If she doesn't know about the genetics and why that's so important, then she would just chalk it all up to herself. He could only imagine how much pain that would put her in. She took Ash's death as a personal failure, and he knew that she bore a deep cross when it came to the ships that were destroyed protecting the Destiny Ascension.

Helen had been so willing to help her crew. She had helped Wrex and Tali by bringing them something special. Garrus and Liara had faced their inner demons with her. She had helped him realize that he wasn't a monster and showed Ashley that the Williams record didn't mean something to everyone, giving her the confidence to excel. And now Helen needed his help. So come hell or high water, he would help her.

Kaidan shook his head, feeling a sense of direction that he lacked over the past two days. Shepard may have walked out on him, but he wasn't going to give up. Not without getting a better answer out of her.

He pulled up Garrus on his omni-tool. If she stayed in contact with anyone, it was that Turian. He was relieved when Garrus answered.

"Hey, Kaidan. I was beginning to wonder if we were going to ever see you again." Kaidan nodded curtly. As much as he would love to chat with Garrus, he didn't have the luxury.

"Things have been busy. You haven't seen Shepard have you?" Garrus nodded, looking at him.

"Sure. She's been crashing here. You wouldn't happen to know why she showed up on my doorstep, looking like-" he paused. "How do you humans say? 'Like a kicked bird'?"

"It's a dog, but I get what you're saying. Is she there right now?" Garrus gained a puzzled look as he responded.

"Well, she isn't here right now, but she should be soon. If you need to get in contact with her, you should be able to message her –" Kaidan cut him off, grabbing a jacket.

"Can you send me coordinates to your place? I just need to see her. But don't mention this to her." Garrus gave him a look that Kaidan knew: he couldn't leave a statement like that in the air without justification. "We had a disagreement, and she's been avoiding me ever since." Garrus gave him a good hard stare before his mandibles flapped.

"Alright. But this had better be good." Kaidan nodded before he cut the vid, putting the coordinates into the hovercar he had rented.

Roughly half an hour later, he had pulled up outside Garrus' place. It was modest, but liveable. He knocked and was greeted with a 'come in' only to find Helen on the couch while Garrus was in the kitchen.

"I was hoping I could talk to you." He purposefully kept his voice quiet, calm. He didn't want her to run.

"I think that everything has already been said, Lieutenant Alenko." Shepard stood up from the couch and quickly padded across to a room, sharply closing the door behind her. An angry red lock greeted him.

"Helen, I'm not leaving until you talk to me." His frustration was starting to rise.

"You have to go home eventually." She snapped back across the door. Alright then, he decided, pulling out his omni-tool. He then began to fiddle with the lock, and they engaged in a bit of a tech fight. They had done this several times before and were almost perfectly matched. If I do this, we'll just sit here and go on for hours. He quickly closed the interface, sighing.

"If none of this meant anything to you, like you claim, why are you so unwilling to talk about it?" She didn't say anything for a while, which he took as a good sign. She cares, work that angle, Alenko.

"I think we're done with this conversation, Alenko. Unless you want to be charged with insubordination for challenging your commanding officer." All of his carefully arranged control snapped.

"Really, Helen? You're going to retreat behind your title? Do you have nothing else to use? Or are you just that uncaring?" He waited for a minute, but heard no response. "Come on Helen, you and I both know you aren't a machine. Every soul on the Normandy does." He waited another minute, but still couldn't get an answer out of her. Fed up, he began to pound his fist against the door. "Answer me, Helen." After a minute or two of pounding, he stopped, his hand stinging. "Please, Helen," he quietly pleaded. After a few moments, he heard a soft sob. He quickly opened up his omni-tool, seizing what time he could. He quickly worked around her reinforcements and the door slid open.

Inside, Helen sat on the floor, facing the door, tears streaming down her face. All the fight left Kaidan as he rushed to her side. He tilted her head up, looking into her eyes. Commander Shepard did not look back at him. Helen Shepard, the wonderful, confident, beautiful woman he knew from late-night chats in the mess hall wasn't there either. Instead, there was a broken woman who needed him more than words could ever say, and he took her into his arms. The sobs now redoubled as she mourned, and tears coursed down his face as he mourned with her. She beat her hands against his back, and he stroked her hair.

"I hate me." She whispered a few minutes later.

"Why?"

"It's all my fault." He pulled away from her so that she could look into his eyes.

"It is not your fault. It's not my fault. It isn't anyone's fault." He saw her consider his words, which he took as a good sign.

"But what if it is? What if it was something I did? What if the Beacon made it so that I can't –" she trailed off, looking over his shoulder at something he couldn't see. He quickly shook his head, pulling her chin to look at him again.

"It isn't. It wasn't. And while I doubt anyone could tell you, I don't think so." She looked into his eyes, a mixture of fear and hope as he brushed another tear away. "This sort of thing has happened over the centuries. There isn't any way to predict whether it will happen, but sometimes it does. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last. And it may have been me. It may not have been you."

"What was it, exactly?" She looked at him, needing to know.

"We all have 26 chromosomes, 13 from each parent. Well, sometimes they don't separate correctly, and instead of each egg or sperm having 13, one will have 14 or 12. If it's a specific chromosome, the baby will still live. But if it's missing one, it almost never lives. The body can recognize that, and so it just, lets the baby go. That's what happened. It could have just as easily been a problem with me." He felt her relax in his arms, processing the information. She finally nodded.

"So it wasn't stress?" He shook his head. She closed her eyes and leaned into him. "I didn't want to know at first. I was scared that you would say I killed it. That something I had done had killed it." He wrapped his arms tightly around her. "I'm so sorry for pushing you away. I'm so sorry." She hesitated for a few moments before asking, "What exactly happened? I mean, how does it happen? They don't tell you about this sort of stuff in basic."

"I could explain the medical mumbo jumbo, but I don't think you'd be interested in that conversation," he downplayed.

"Well, I would just focus on your voice and let your voice croon me to sleep." She nestled further into his chest.

"Oh, so it's a lullaby you want?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. She nodded against his chest. "Very well." He cleared his throat and thought of something that would make her laugh.

"The Citadel view
Can't hold a candle to you.
So laugh it up,
And two more words for you, Shepard: fucking sleep.

Everything will be fine.
Udina will die.
I'll tell you whatever you want,
If you just fucking go to sleep.

Saren and Sovereign don't move in their graves;
We've all been quiet brave.
Even the Normandy slumbers,
So go the fuck to sleep.

I can now say
I've had the pleasure
Of serving under you.
But all good soldiers
Must go the fuck to sleep."

By the end, she was giggling, attempting to restrain her mirth. He finally joined her in laughing, and more tears streamed down their faces. In the end, they calmed down and he helped her stand up.

"Now, will you come back with me?" Kaidan asked again.

"Oh, but Vakarian and I were having a fun sleepover," Shepard pouted. "I was going to paint his talons and he was going to paint my face." Kaidan chuckled at this, his mind picturing the two serious warriors set about painting the other.

"Hmm. You might make a better Turian than me, Shepard." Garrus' voice brought them both back to reality. "Now, are you two done almost killing each other? Can I leave the room now without fear of it being destroyed?" Well, so much for the hope that we had privacy.

"We'll get out of your way, Garrus. Thank you for letting me crash here." Shepard spoke as she went around the room, grabbing a few items she had left outside of her bag. Garrus nodded.

"And don't worry. Your secret is safe with me." Kaidan and Helen relaxed when Garrus spoke, patting them on the back as they walked out the door. They quickly slipped into the hovercar and headed back to Kaidan's place.

AN: Yay! I finally put some happy in this! Headcannon says that Garrus knew all along that something was up, but out of respect, never pressed Shepard for an answer. And as much as Garrus may like having a sleepover, he's glad that Shepard is going back to where she belongs.