CHAPTER FOUR

and then there was Yuki

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My family has always been the most important to me. Then my mom fed me strawberries and my sister introduced me to strawberry Pocky, then I discovered music, and met Hiro…

Well, Hiro is something else entirely sometimes. If I could ever personify my definition of a brother, Hiro would be it. I love the guy, he's family to me and yet so much more in some ways that a real brother might not have been able to be. We're kind of too close for some people's comfort, really.

Most people think that it's Hiro who keeps me sane, being the only person who I could never stress out with my never ending exuberance. Sure, he gets upset sometimes, but only in extreme situations and only for a short amount of time. He's much too stable a guy. I guess by comparison, most people think I look like a complete idiot.

But what they don't know is that I'm there for Hiro, too. He's too calm, really. If he didn't have me to shake things up, he would just breeze through school without getting into anything. He would just do as his family suggested he do and take the courses his they think he should. It's not that he doesn't have a sense of self. Just that he's fine with anything, the kind of guy who goes with the flow.

"It is much too stressful to be upset; takes too much energy! Besides," he told me, lounging back on the grass of the school courtyard, in our sophomore year. "It's just too much of a bother to argue with my parents when they have a pretty good perspective on things,"

"Don't you have anything at all that you're passionate about?!" I demanded, completely outraged. "Something that you absolutely and totally, just simply love?"

Hiro sighed, tucking his hands under his head and propping one foot on the knee of the other, getting more comfortable. He probably figured this conversation would take a while. "Sure I do, Shu. But there are only a few things."

"Like what?!" I was tensed up like coiled spring, kneeling by his side with my fists clenched.

"My guitar, for one."

"And..?" I prodded.

"Nittle Grasper…"

"And?!" I was knotting my uniform shirt with anxiousness.

"And you."

I froze. "Huh?"

Hiro cracked an eye open, reached up and put a hand on my head, lightly rumpling my hair, a small smile on his face. "You, I said, you little monkey." He looked straight into my eyes as he spoke. "There are things that are important to me, but just a few. The rest are alright just they way they are and I don't mind much else or what life deals me." He grinned. "But the things that are important are i vital /i to me. And you're one of them." He withdrew his hand, closed his eyes and settled back, lips curved in amusement.

I think he was more pleased with striking me speechless than anything else.

I sat there for a while, rolling his words around in my head until the school bell rang. As I trudged back up to the classroom behind him, I realised he was actually quite a passionate person, just like me. However, we displayed it in different ways. Whereas I would get excited over anything that I remotely found interesting, he was just the kind of person who only cared about things he considers more worthwhile; when something is special, it's very special. Just like how when he's happy, he's really happy, and when he's sad… you get the picture.

But understand was one thing, it wasn't as if I could really relate at that point in time.

Regardless, I also saw that although he went with the wave of things, he never let anyone else dictate his beat. I could chatter away a mile a minute, fire questions off in rapid sequence, but he would answer at his own pace. Everything was at his own pace. He might seem to allow others to drag him along, but then again it was only because he was allowing them to.

That was some time ago.

And then there was Yuki.

The trait of Hiro's I had so admired, to concentrate emotion on something important, had so far only truly manifested in me when it came to Music. But with Yuki, well that was a sensory overload if there ever was one. He became my passion, the centre of my love. I have loved so many things in my life before, but this was an entirely different matter. All I knew was that I was drawn to him, to those eyes no one else seemed to be able to read. My gaze was entranced by the gestures of his hands, and by the posture that everyone seemed unable to interpret.

I understood Hiro a bit better then.

And I got to know myself more too.

Sure it was mainly a flow of day to day… A very intense day to day lifestyle, but Yuki and I managed. Fast-paced polar changes in regard and attitude were rather common. Flaring of tempers and bickering, finding ways around each other just to be together. And a lot more lovemaking than I'd ever imagined, with persistent mornings of coming into work with my eyes at half-mast.

Being with you Yuki forced me grow up in a lot of ways, thought it was probably slow in coming. He made me learn what to take seriously and what to let go of; he showed me what really mattered. It was a lot like Hiro's way of things –the way of the world, I guess. I couldn't always tell what really mattered, and I still have trouble with that most of the time. But I am getting a better grasp of things, though what my opinion is doesn't necessarily agree with everyone around me –similar to the way things were before, in a sense. Maybe they all think that it's just my new way of being me, if they can even tell the difference at all.

The main issue was that I could tell the difference; that I could feel the difference. Which is, all by itself, all that I needed.

So I remember what I first felt when my doctor told me the news: Nothing.

That was what I felt. Just a sudden numbness that spread instantaneously through my body. The next thing I felt was worry. Worry for my loved ones: family, friends, and Yuki. And then after that I considered my career. My priorities in life suddenly had an order and my mind was forced to clear.

Tumour, Akagi-sensei had said, holding up an MRI result that displayed a graph of my brain. There were other words, but that one echoed in my mind until I couldn't hear anything else. I was tired that day, maybe my exhaustion disarmed me, I don't really know. She sent me home, told me to relax and not let this get to me since my prognosis looked pretty good. She gave me a new pain killer drug for the migraines I'd been having, now knowing what might treat them better; and sent her nice assistant Suzumiya-san to make sure I got my prescription from the hospital pharmacy before leaving. Nice guy, Suzumiya-san. He has hair dyed flame red... reminds me of blood.

Could make a nice song, I told myself with a shake of my head.

Seguchi-san called me as I was being driven home in an NG company cars, undoubtedly my doctor had called him being she is an employee of the NG Empire. He was asking all sorts of questions and I know I replied but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I said. Mainly, he was telling me not to worry. I resurfaced from my silence to tell him not to worry, too, and asked him to help me make sure that no one else would worry either. He paused at that. But then he said he understood, then, "And Eiri-san?"

"I need to protect them all, Seguchi-san," To my own ears I sounded calm, but felt very detached. "I need to protect our lives."

What about my life?

I was in a daze. When I looked up I was home, sliding in the key and pushing the door open. I shed my shoes, coat and backpack, and padded down the hall toward the clacking sounds of a keyboard. I stood in the open doorway, the clacking stopped and I stared into the golden eyes of the man I loved.

My life with Yuki…

Suddenly I knew what to do and I smiled at him, probably looking as weary and exhausted as I felt. I plodded in under his eye-corner gaze, stood behind him and bent to wrap my arms loosely about his neck. I pushed my nose into the warm flesh behind his hear and breathed in his scent, feeling it thrum down my nerves and calm my heart, feeling his heartbeat thump beneath my hands. All I knew at that moment was the need to protect him with everything that I had.

I was brief, he doesn't like it when I corner him for too long. On a whisper, "Tadaima, Yuki."

He muttered back, hands still poised above his laptop, "Okaeri."

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That had been some eight months ago.

To some extent I knew that since I found out about this tumour that I have changed some more. I quit bouncing around like a madman and quit with most of the dramatics. It was never a conscious decision, really, it just happened. I was still exuberant, just not so dreamy. Things might have lost their ability to excite me, or maybe I just got a better grip on life. I had been forced to recognise what was most important to me in life and in what order.

I started visiting my family more, tried to smooth things over with Yuki, and threw myself into my Music.

My creativity was overflowing again what with all the inspiration from these emotions in me. In a way, I needed the Music for myself; my career was just an appendage to that. But my ideas excited my band mates, so I was happy to give them something. It helps that it pleased my production company –they sign my friends' cheques anyway.

My family loved seeing me and I loved spending money on them every time I came for a visit. We sat and planned holidays for a few of their vacations coming up, even one to London. It would be summer soon and they could get away to someplace cool and exciting. I would not be able to go with them so far away, but promised to go on a local visit soon.

When my father suggested insurance for the trip, in case luggage got lost or stolen, it got me thinking.

I spoke to Seguchi-san and asked about insurance for my family and for Yuki. He had made sure the most important bases were covered long before, so to know this made me feel much better. He didn't make much of a fuss when I insisted on additional benefits. We made adjustments to accommodate Yuki; I made quite a few stipulations.

Between Tohma and myself, we covered more ground than we ever thought we would or could.

Things didn't go so well with Yuki himself, though. What do you get for the man who has everything, I thought, than precisely what he asks for? Doing what he said brought us into less contact than ever before, but I did it knowing he had a deadline coming up and because he said he wanted it. I did as he said regardless of how I felt about it myself.

Unfortunately, it got messy pretty quickly.

All in all, I was pushing myself too far and I knew it. But I also needed to, I didn't know what I would do if I slowed down enough to think about what was happening to me. Everything became a blur of music, family, friends, Bad Luck, and testing appointments. And, if I was lucky, Yuki.

My migraines began to worry me, too, which made them worse when they did occur. The frequency of the occurrences stayed stable, which was a good thing. The medication helped enough to reduce the splitting pain to a dull throb so I could pass my time without anyone knowing. Most especially without Hiro or Yuki finding out –those two had an uncanny knack for figuring things out where I was concerned.

It was easier to hide it from Yuki, who didn't ask very much after me. We had less and less squabbles but he was getting more and more aggravated with me –I didn't really understand it. Worryingly, I couldn't read him as well as I used to. His eyes were clouded now in a way I hadn't seen before. I initially had suspicions that Seguchi-san had told him about my condition but I was assured that this was not true.

Things got progressively worse until one day we had the mother of all arguments.

I was late getting back from seeing my sister, had missed the last express train to Tokyo and had had to take a series of buses to get home. I was tired from all the walking and the bumpy ride, and had been nursing a migraine all day. He was drunk and tired, having waited up for me. I suppose I should have stayed calm but I was upset with him too. I had wanted to spend my day off with him, knowing he had just finished his latest novel yet he had brushed me aside.

We ended up yelling at each other and he tried to force me into bed with him. Usually I'd capitulate, but this was an utter disaster. He had been uncharacteristically rough with me, almost to the point of being sadistic. I had refused him, angry and hurt at his treatment of me and with his actions.

Things did not improve come morning. I hated waking up alone when, after an argument, he would usually have wrapped me up in his arms. To irritate me further, he was back at work, considering he had just finished a novel a few days before. I was in as sour a mood as I could be that morning as I packed up and got ready to go.

"Will you come back tonight?" He asked from behind, startling me out of my silent grumbling. His voice was cool and bored, slightly raspy from what I supposed was a hangover.

I really didn't want to face off in my state, nor with him in that mood so I refused to turn and face him.

"I think after last night, I should stay out of your way for a while." He obviously had his own issues to deal with, or he would never have been as nasty with me as he'd been last night. I considered that suddenly. Was he preoccupied with a problem? Maybe he just needed-

"If you're going to continue to be of no amusement to me, I may as well replace you," All my goodwill flew out the window. "Your performance last night was incredibly dull, considering the skill you've demonstrated in the past."

I began to shake with rage. How dare he make a mockery of our relationship considering how far we had come? How dare he slander our love and commitment and reduce it to his latest amusement? He hadn't been like this, said things like this, in such a long time that his callousness floored me.

Tears blurring my vision, I spun at him and raged. "Skill?! You think it's skill when I touch you? You think my love is for your entertainment?!" I had so much more to say to him, I was so furious.

"You are in that line of business, are you not?" His deceptively gentle voice disarmed me for a moment, until the words sank in. I felt like I had been physically struck. Yuki has never hit me before but how I wished that he had struck me instead, than say such words. The man I love had just spoken the nastiest things to me with the full intention of hurting me. And that thought was what hurt me the most –that Yuki would want to cause me pain.

I tried to get past him, refusing to let him see me break down in front of him but he blocked the doorway. I set my jaw. "Please move out of the way,"

"Aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?" His voice mocking, with such words in reference to our relationship again.

I fought him, forgetting everything. I just needed to get away. I'd forgotten about his cigarette, and the burn pulled me out of my vocal silence. With a cry of pain torn from my throat, I glared up at him with every ounce of my hurt and indignation. The emotions pulled on my vocabulary in a way it never had before. "Take another lover, then!" I hissed, willing myself to keep going and to get out. "Have some one else be your little bitch!"

I must have shocked him, he released me and I made my get away. I ran and didn't stop until I made it out into the park down the road from the apartment building. I sank into a bench and cried as silently as I could, knees drawn up and arms wrapped around them. I cried until a migraine came on and I needed medication.

Drat, I'd dropped my bag during the struggle with Yuki.

But I still had my wallet, keys and phone in my pocket so things weren't so awful. No work today, besides, just a whole-day session with my doctor for tests and evaluations. I called a cab and made it to my early appointment with plenty of time to spare.

I thought about Yuki all day, which kept my migraine going. Although, that was kind of a good thing because then the MRI machine would pick up the tumour activity better. My therapist came in to talk to me while they were running the tests. Katsuko-sensei was pleased to see me all worked up, getting a session with me in such an emotional state was rare, but her brow furrowed after I'd told her about what had happened.

We had a long chat, and she even let me in on her personal opinion of the matters with Yuki and not just the professional.

She made me think about why I was hiding my condition from Yuki, and what I had determined to do about my relationship with him in the beginning when I had found out about it myself. In her opinion, Yuki was being nasty because I wasn't there, because he was cross at not having my time. I had to admit I'd been neglecting him.

When someone gives you gifts and treats, it is only a proof of one's generosity; but when someone gives you one's time, it is proof of their love, She commented. We surmised it was possibly just a mixture of a bunch of bad timing and rotten tempers. Maybe we just needed to talk, maybe we just needed to squabble…

Maybe we just need to go to bed...

Argh! Or maybe not… I was afraid that this might be too bad an idea, especially after last night.

I mulled over things for the rest of the afternoon after leaving the hospital. Made a few stops at my favourite shops and stores, passed by Zenny's for dinner. I made my way home slowly, feeling quiet in the thick darkness of the night. It was late, and I had no place to go but home anyway since I had dropped my bag with my clothes in them. I'd already called my host to back out of staying over at his place. I could've borrowed some clothes, but I wanted to go home and talk to Yuki.

I needed to tell him that I love him, that everything was going to be alright no matter what happened.

In some ways I needed to reassure myself. But then again, I had always known that he needed the encouragement more than me. Just so happens that I've always had my doubts settled when I see his response in his eyes from hearing all things that I need him to know. I had promised to be with him, that nothing in the world would take me away from him. Honestly, I knew that whatever we needed to deal with that we would make it through alright. Because being with someone is a choice, as it was my choice to be with him. All I need to know is that he chooses to be with me too.

I would get that from his eyes if not from his lips.

I was still upset, and no doubt he would be so too. Maybe even drunk again, considering how bad that little fight had been.

It amazed me that things could be so messed up with so few words. It's not that simple, idiot... I sighed. Things had been going downhill since I stopped being there for him. Wasn't I the one who had promised that, no matter what he did, he would never be able to shake me off? I retreated into what I knew of Yuki, of the things I remembered of and learned from him and what we have been through. From that perspective, I got my thoughts together and collected a grasp of what I should probably say and do. I knew that I just needed to believe in myself and in our relationship with the same strength as I always had.

I pushed my key into the door and quietly made my way into the apartment; it was already way past midnight. I was startled for a moment, the shower was running, and I entertained the thought of going in to join him. Making my way to the bedroom, I started to feel a little better. He might snap at me if I barged in on him, but it could be another one of his empty growls..?

Just inside the doorway of the bedroom, I paused to take in the sight. Yuki was sitting on a very mussed bed. He must be just about to take a shower, I thought, but what's the point of wasting all that water? In the next instant, I noticed he was toeing something on the floor, a red… dress?

My breath caught in my throat and my migraine came storming past the medication into the forefront of my consciousness. Time seemed to slow down for a moment with the coming of the pain.

That's someone else in the shower, I realised. Someone female, and the bed is a mess… I was suddenly assaulted by images of lipstick-marked glasses and long strands of hair across Yuki's pillows, along with the emotions of them.

Was that how much it had hurt back then? Memories flooded my mind. Was that how badly I had deceived myself?

Suddenly, I wasn't certain of anything anymore. All I could grasp was that Yuki had just bedded a woman, that perhaps this was not the first time since he had 'committed' to me.

No.

I tried to reason that I myself had been the one monopolising Yuki's time, there would have been no time…back then... because it had been some time since the last time. All this time he had been…

My Yuki.

But 'My Yuki' was suddenly not quite mine anymore. Had I been so wrong?

I felt like I had lost him. Someone had taken my Yuki from me. I gasped with the pain of the thought and my migraine doubled its efforts to burst open my skull, my vision tilting momentarily. Yuki looked up at the sound, but I couldn't quite get my eyes to focus on his expression. All I could think about was how someone else had touched him, someone else had i stolen /i him from me.

He had let himself be stolen, the little 'devil on my shoulder' whispered. He had wanted to go screw around with some tramp. He had wanted to do this…

Yuki stared at me, of that I was certain, this man who I suddenly didn't recognise.

In that still moment, I seemed to detach from the world. It was as though everything around became a strange and unfamiliar place, this room and apartment, along with the man before me. It was like I didn't belong here, that whatever reality really was, this was it and it was reasserting itself. I felt like I didn't belong.

Panicking, I wanted to find something to hold on to, backing away until I hit the wall behind me for some support. But my legs were failing me and in spite of the solidity of the wall propping me up, the rising feeling of being lost did not ease.

I was about to open my mouth, to ask for his help, to ask what was going on, when Yuki reached toward me. I wasn't certain if he was holding his hand up to stop me from speaking or to reach out for me. But then maybe I didn't want to know, my life was in the balance... and I was scared by that, feeling like everything --the world-- was just slipping away. I needed something to keep me here, in this world, where I wanted to be and where everyone I loved was. I needed it immediately and Yuki might not be the one who could help me.

Family… Hiro… Somebody please be there.

He didn't say anything as I walked away.

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