CHAPTER 4
Peeta and I sneak around my family (he does so unknowingly), whenever he visits, which is surprisingly often. I suppose I never notice Finnick or Johanna visiting, but apparently victors are free to travel where they please.
On what would become one of our last afternoons Peeta joins me in my garden. He seems flustered, which is unusual for him: his hands are clenched in fists, the skin over his knuckles is white and pulled tight.
"What is it?" I ask. He takes a deep breath, and releases the tension from his body,
"It's nothing, nothing you need to be worrying about,"
"Well, yes," I say a little annoyed, my eyebrows coming together, "it's something I need to be worrying about, it's obviously upsetting you,"
"Katniss," he sighs, obviously wanting me to forget it.
"Peeta," I mock back, he shoots me a look.
"Look, I had a meeting with President Snow before I came here, you know how I feel about him," I nod, thinking about that. I have known Snow my entire life, and he is always very nice to me, although that's probably because of who my father is.
"What if I ask him to leave you alone-"
"No," Peeta cuts me off firmly, "No, I can handle it, I don't need you to fight my battles."
"I wouldn't say I was trying to fight your battles, but fine, I'll drop it,"
"Thanks," he says tensely.
"What should we do tonight?" I try to change the subject,
"Whatever you want,"
I sigh, why do boys always do that? You ask what they want, and they don't answer, they just say "Whatever you want," if I knew what I wanted I would have said "Hey, let's do this tonight!"
Eventually I do come up with an idea: "I've never seen you bake anything,"
"You want me to bake you something?"
"But I want to watch," I clarify. Peeta smiles, and all the stiffness left over from our Snow conversation has gone. We're back to our normal dynamic.
"Where's the kitchen?" he asks, so I stand, and grab his hand, leading him to the rarely used room. "What do you want me to make?"
"Whatever you want," I give him his earlier response, hoping it drives him as crazy as it drives me.
"I'll make you cheese buns," his quick response shows me it doesn't bug him, I'll admit him not being annoyed miffs me a little.
"I've never had those before,"
"That's because I invented them."
"In that case, they probably suck."
"I bet you'll love them,"
"I'll take that bet," I accept his wager, although I have a feeling I'll lose.
We reach my kitchen and Peeta starts searching through cabinets and the pantries and fridge for his ingredients and utensils, I'd help him, but I'm as clueless as he is. The only time I come in here is when I want a bowl of ice cream at midnight, and have to sneak around my mother, who would berate me about how my face will bloat and my clothing won't fit properly and a ton of other shit I can't begin to care about. "I can't believe you have this entire kitchen, and you never come in here," his comment makes me feel guilty, even though his words didn't have any deeper meaning.
"I'm a terrible cook." I shrug, I don't know if this is true, I've never tried to bake anything.
"It's not hard, I could teach you."
"I think you just want me to help so I mess up your cheese buns and you have a verifiable excuse as to why they suck."
"You'll be eating your words soon, as well as your tenth cheese bun."
"If I finish more than one I'll assume they're drugged,"
"You've figured out my secret ingredient," he smirks, and kneads his dough, which he made astonishingly fast. He throws it into a bowl and places a towel over it. "Needs to rise." he explains.
"For how long?"
"A half hour."
"So the drugs can start to kick in?"
"Exactly."
"So what do you think we can do for thirty minutes?" I ask suggestively,
"I have an idea," he then lunges for me, and begins tickling me.
"No!" I scream, but he continues right on. "No, that's not what I meant!" I'm laughing but I feel like I'm about to cry. I push on his chest, trying to get him away from me, to no avail. I try my next tactic, I fall to the floor, pretending to be hurt. "Peeta, please! I hit my head, it hurts!" he falls for it (how did he win the Hunger Games?) and gets off of me.
"Do you need some ice?" he moves to the freezer, and I make my escape: sprinting away from him, and up to my room. He catches up to me as I try to shut my door, but he presses against it, not allowing it to close. Eventually he does get in. Having no where to run Peeta picks me up and throws me on my bed, then starts tickling me again.
"Peeta," I whine, "Can't we use my bed for something better?" I offer, hoping it will work.
"Nope!" he smiles wickedly, and I realize he is laughing at me. After agonizing minutes I mange to wiggle out from under him, slamming the door behind me as I run to the marble grand stair case. I hear him behind me, and I start to run down the stairs. I am only down a few steps before my legs slip from under me, and I'm somersaulting down the slippery stone, this time I really do hit my head.
"Goddammit!" My eyes are a little blurry but when I focus them I see Peeta, squatting next to me, his eyes swim with worry.
"Katniss? Are you okay? Come on let's get you ice." he stands and offers his hand to me. I accept the help up, only because I'm a little dizzy, and my head is already throbbing. I keep ahold of his arm, letting him lead me, I might fall flat on my face if I don't. Once in the kitchen Peeta sits me down at the counter stool before moving to the freezer. I hear him say, "Even better than ice," and I curiously stretch my neck to see what he has, which turns out to be peas.
"You're going to make me peas so my head will feel better?"
"No, frozen peas are a great substitute for ice."
"Why can't I just use ice? Putting peas on my head is weird."
"Trust me, it'll be fine. I'm surprised you've never done this before."
"Well, being a 'proper lady' doesn't merit much running, and therefore falling is out of the picture too. Plus this is weird." I reiterate my point as I set the pea bag on my head, it does feel nice, but I'll bet I look ridiculous. If I do Peeta doesn't say anything, he just moves to check his bread, it's almost done he muses.
"I'm really sorry about your head," Peeta's voice is sincere. "If I hadn't chased you-"
"It's fine, I'm clumsy anyways, it was bound to happen eventually," I wave him off, downplaying my throbbing head.
"But-"
"I'm fine," I say firmly, to prove my point I remove the bag of peas, and set it on the counter. The pain in my head increases without the cold pressure, but I'll live. "When will the bread be ready to go in the oven?"
"Just a minute or two now." Peeta looks uncertain about my nonchalant attitude.
"How long do they bake for?"
"Ten minutes," He checks on the dough again as he speaks, and deems it oven ready. He divides it, and places it on baking sheets before sticking the buns in the oven. "Okay, now we have to find a basket, and a blanket."
"Those would be up in my room." I carefully walk up the stairs, holding the rail. I find a basket full of lotions that I dump out onto my bathroom floor, while I'm in there I find my pills for pain relief, and down three for my head. I take the white blanket from my bed, by the time I'm getting back to the kitchen my head has stopped pulsating and Peeta has taken the buns out of the oven, and it kills me to admit they smell amazing. Peeta takes my basket, and places a towel inside, then the bread,
"Where's the best place for a sunset dinner?"
"We're having bread for dinner?" I raise my eyebrows,
"Yes, remember, you're going to eat ten? You'll be so stuffed you'll never want food again."
"More like I'll be so drugged."
He rolls his eyes at me, "Just pick a place for us to eat," I decide to take him to my favorite place, the garden. We go out a side door near my kitchen, and I lead him to an open patch of grass that can't be seen unless you know it's there. I lay out the blanket, letting Peeta know this is our destination, we sit and I eagerly reach for the bread, momentarily forgetting our bet. "Seems like just the smell of the drugs have already effected you." Peeta winks, and I roll my eyes,
"Shut up." then I take a bite of the bun, with Peeta's eyes watching me intently. The taste is so delectable they instantly become my new favorite food,
"What do you think?"
"They place number two on my five favorite things list, before lamb stew, and you, but behind Prim."
"I'll only be offended if I'm behind lamb stew on that list,"
"I guess you're better than lamb stew, but only because you make the number two cheese buns." I shrug, by now I'm half way through my second bun, and I notice Peeta hasn't started eating, "Aren't you gong to have some?"
"Nah I try not to make it a habit to eat drugged food," I slap him lightly on the arm, and try to hand him one, "Really Katniss, I made them for you."
"There must be thirty buns in here, I'm not going to starve if you eat some." I insist.
"Then keep them for later, give them to your family, by the way I still haven't met most of them, formally at least, I must have been introduced at the Victory Tour party."
"I know, they're busy. And you did meet Prim." I say, I don't really want to explain to my family where all the bread came from, and I can't eat thirty buns by myself. "Just eat a damn bun, Peeta," when Peeta still doesn't take a bun I take matters into my own hands, I quickly move over to him, and before he can realize what I'm doing I push him onto his back and straddle his chest, "Eat the bread!" I know Peeta could easily get my off him if he wanted, but he indulges in my little game. I press the food against his lips, which are pressed tightly together, but are still smiling. "Peeta," I try to make my voice as menacing as possible. He sighs, and opens his mouth, accepting a bite of the now smushed bread. "Thank you," I give him a kiss before getting off of him and resuming my place next to him.
"I hope you never have children if that's how to react to someone not eating," he rubs is chest in faux-hurt way. I roll my eyes at his dramatics,
"If you hadn't been such a baby I would have had to do that."
"Now I've been drugged too."
"Good."
"You made me spill the bread basket." he gestures to the newly scattered food, I look over, and see the buns everywhere: along my blanket, and on the grass. I pick up the food and see grease stains where the buns just were,
"Shit, my mother is going to kill me," I mutter to myself, I don't really care about the blanket, I can get another one made. But when my mother sees the grease she'll start asking questions, and eventually find out about Peeta, because I am not a good lier or actress. When I consider it, it's shocking I've made it this far with no suspicion. Peeta takes the grassy buns and throws them over one of the hedges that encloses us. I hope they land out of the garden and not near my house, so an animal can eat the evidence and so my mother won't be embarrassed by random bread through her garden.
"So what do I get for winning our bet?"
"Huh?" I ask, still a bit preoccupied by my mother worries.
"I won our bet, you liked the cheese buns. I get something,"
"Well, what do you want?"
"I can think of something," he smiles before leaning in to kiss me, he tangles his hands into my hair and I scoot closer to him. His lips taste like cheese buns, and I'm sure mine do too, the thought makes me smile into the kiss. He bites my lower lip before running his tongue over it, we continue kissing for a few more minutes before he moves down to my neck, sucking on my skin. He moves at a maddeningly slow pace, and I can tell there will be a trail of purple bruises along my neck and collarbones. Eventually he returns to my lips, his hands traveling from my hips to my waist. I pull off his shirt, and throw it behind him. He has a particularly big scar across his chest, I run my fingers along it, wondering where it came from. He watches my hand, I look up at him and I am soon met with his gaze again.
Peeta's hands wrap around my back, and in one fluid motion we're both up, him standing, and me in his arms. He carries me inside while I kiss his neck, making bruises to match mine. He sits down with me straddling him in the foyer sitting room, which is really only for decoration but I don't care. His had reaches up, and tucks my dark hair behind my ear, and says "You're so beautiful," which makes me blush, and look down. His thumb slides under my chin and tilts my head up, "You are." he smiles, before bringing his lips against mine once again.
My entire body is on fire, and I want to get closer to him in every way possible. I reach for my dress's hem and pull it up and over my head, throwing the material away. I go back to kissing him, convinced I now know what pure happiness is, when I hear a small gasp. I disregard it, Peeta and I are the only two people in the house right now; Peeta on the other hand, pulls away, which annoys me. I open my eyes, and they land on Prim, standing in the doorway.
"Prim! What are you doing home? You're supposed to be at Rose's..." I frantically try to cover myself with my dress.
"I was, I mean, I am, I'm going back, I just forgot Sanders," she holds up the silky stuffed bunny in her hand, who she can't sleep without. I press my lips together and nod. I'm not sure what to say to my little sister, who still sleeps with a stuffed animal, who also just walked in on me sitting almost naked on a half naked boy's lap, in the middle of making out.
"This is Peeta," I finally say, Peeta gives a small wave,
"We've met, at the victory tour." Prim's voice is curt.
"Right, you introduced us." I nod, very uncomfortable with this situation.
"Right." she gives a small nod.
Another pause.
"Well I'm going to go, Rose is waiting in the car..."
"Have fun tonight." I call out as she leaves, when I hear the door close I groan and push my very hot, and I can bet, very red face into Peeta's chest. His hand rub circles into my back, but I can feel his body shake with silent laughter. I pull away from him, to see him failing to suppress a smile, and his eyes dance with laughter. "It's not funny!" I snap, removing his arm from my back, and swinging my legs off of him.
"I'm sorry," he controls his smile only a little bit, and tries to slide my legs back over his, which I allow, albeit stubbornly. "Katniss," he sighs, kind of like my mother, "I'm sorry, you're cute when you're embarrassed." I roll my eyes, and continue on scowling, making him smile again.
"I don't think you understand, Prim doesn't, or anyone in my family, know about you!" I accidentally let my secret slip in frustration.
"Wait, what?" his smiles fades, "You haven't told them about me? About us?" Whoops, I left that part out to Peeta. I lead him to believe my family was super busy, and therefore never home when he visited, rather than the truth: I carefully plan his visits for when my family has plans that keep them out of the house. "Katniss?" I look down to my hands,
"No," I say so softly, he may not have heard me. I don't think he did until he asks,
"Why?" he sounds confused, not angry.
Then the horrible words that remind us both of my social status over his tumble out my mouth, "My parents had me set to marry the president's son, they still think I will, and if they knew about you..." I speak very quickly, wanting to get the horrible truth out of my mouth before trailing off, hot waves of shame fill my entire body.
"Me, a poor District 12 boy," he fills in the blanks I left.
"But I don't care about any of that," I shake my head, and touch his face. I grasp how much I mean those words at the very moment I speak them, no one, not my parents, or Prim, or Gale, or the goddamned president could make me care about Peeta's background, all I care about is his present, and future.
"But your parents, sister, friends, they all do,"
"They don't matter." I feel a tinge of guilt saying that.
"Don't say that," he shakes his head, as if I actually pained him with my words.
"Why not? You're who I care about, if they don't see that... if they can't respect that..."
"Then what? What are you going to do Katniss?" he drops my hand, "Get punished by your parents over a boy you met a month ago? Have your friends whisper about you behind your back?" I think his words over, I never really considered what my parents would do if they found out about Peeta, all I knew was they wouldn't be happy.
"I don't care," I protest again, which makes him shake his head again,
"I care, I care about you, and I can't rip you away from your family, and friends, and life."
"So I can do what? Grow up and never really live? Have every moment of the rest of my life planned for me? That's not how I envision my future."
"Katniss." he whispers sadly, his hand is on my cheek.
I suddenly get the acute sensation of being all alone. Forever. Despite Peeta being inches from my face, despite his hand holding my bare back, despite feeling his heartbeat under my hand that lays on his chest. The feeling makes me dizzy and dread flows through my entire body, starting with my heart then to my stomach then to my toes. My vision blurs and I can feel myself swaying. "You're going to leave me?" I ask, I can feel a tear slide down my face.
After my time with Peeta, as short as it was, I know I can't go back to the scheduled proper life I was leading before. I don't want my parents to decide the rest of my life for me, I don't want to marry for status, then live my life in the same monotonous way my mother does. I don't want to raise children the same was I was raised. I cannot do any of that. I will not.
Peeta doesn't have a real answer for me, but I know what he's thinking, Yes, for your own good, Katniss, because I love you, I have to let you live your life. "Can't you see it's not for my own good?" I ask, replying to his unspoken words, "I can't live a scheduled life, without excitement or spontaneity. I can't mary for power, for money, for status. I can't do any of that, I don't want to do any of that. I want to be free, I want to laugh, I want to be able to eat only bread for dinner, I want to have conversations that actually matter, I want love, I want you." I kiss him, I kiss him with all the will I can muster up. He kisses me back, I and start to forget about the thought of him leaving me. It doesn't seem the same can be said for him. He gently pushes on my shoulder after a minute, to which I protest,
"Not tonight, I'll see you again, soon." he looks into my eyes, and my entire body fills with unease. I have a feeling nothing will be the same after tonight, my chest feels tight, I don't like him leaving. It seems to be different this time, no goodnight kiss, no laughing. "Goodnight Katniss," he runs this thumb softly over the small welt that formed on my forehead from the stairs fall, lastly he kisses the top of my head.
He leaves me sitting on the couch, still in my bra and underwear. I try to process what just happened before realizing my head is hurting again, either from the pills wearing off or from the anxiety that is filling me. I stand, consider putting my dress back on, but decide against it, before walking out to the garden, back to where Peeta and I had our dinner earlier in the evening. I gather the blanket and basket, once back inside I throw out the rolls and get rid of the towel they were wrapped in, so I can put my lotions back into their container. Back in my room I shake out the blanket, something falls out of it, Peeta's shirt I realize, he must have forgotten about it. I'd love to see him explain that one to Effie, the thought almost puts a smile on my face. Almost.
I remove my uncomfortable bra and throw on his shirt, before walking and getting five more pills for my head, two extra to knock me out so I won't be up all night thinking about what just happened. I fall into my bed, already bleary, I don't have a blanket, so I just wrap the big shirt that smells like him around me and fall into black unconsciousness.
I hope everyone liked this chapter! (Or maybe didn't because who likes a fighting Peeniss relationship?) Thank you for all the reviews, favorites, and follows, I appreciate all of you more than you can imagine (unless you're also a writer, then I bet you can imagine.) I don't know if I'm going too quickly with this story, so if I need to slow down please tell me! I'll have the next chapter up soon hopefully, I have so many plot points I'm excited to write about! Please leave a review if you can! -MGB
Edited 07/28/14