"For this to work, Potter, we're going to need a well constructed plan. This will require maps. And… pulleys. And ice cream of some kind."
James stared doubtfully at Lily.
"Ice cream? For what, chucking it in his face?"
"No… I get hungry when I scheme."
"Oh."
And so James and Lily had been sitting in this same fashion, Lily almost immediately appointing herself leader of their operation, for a good few hours after breakfast. James didn't complain too much. He wasn't much good at telling other people what to do.
Well, actually, he was. He just wasn't any good at telling Lily what to do.
"Okay, Potter. What have you got for me?"
"What haven't I got?" James said suggestively. Silence. "Okay, badly time joked. Moving on. How about we spray his hair bright pink and glue sequins to it?"
"Yes, because our target goal is to make Sirius look like a transvestite." Lily said sarcastically, snapping.
"Hey, it was just a…" But he trailed off. Lily was looking at him strangely and an incredulous grin was spreading slowly across her face.
"You know, James," she began slowly, "That idea really isn't half bad."
---
Sirius Black was having a nightmare. He was lying in bed, completely surrounded by angry House Elves. He'd insulted them, apparently, and now he was going to have to pay. The elves tugged at his hair firmly, making him shriek in pain in a very sensitive-yet-manly fashion. The tugging stopped, suddenly, and dream-Sirius sighed in relief – until he realised they were pulling up their little pillow cases and…
"AAAAH! STOP PISSING ON ME!" Sirius woke with a start, in time to hear the confused snorting of the three other wizards he shared the dormitory with.
"We'll really try to bear that in mind for future reference, Padfoot," Came Remus's unusually snappy tone.
"No pissing. Got it," Joked Peter, and Remus laughed sleepily.
"Oh, shut up. It's extremely disturbing to have House Elves whipping out their little-"
"Don't finish that sentence, Padfoot, or there will be trouble," James said sternly from the other side of the room. Sirius shrugged and rolled over, falling asleep almost instantly.
"James," A disembodied whisper came from the doorway about a minute later. "I did it. I'll see you tomorrow morning."
James heard the door shut behind the female voice firmly and, when he was sure she was gone, allowed himself a triumphant grin.
---
The next morning, James greeted Lily cheerfully at breakfast. Both Remus and Peter had noticed James' drastically happy mood, and James noticed with even more delight that Sirius was, as yet, a no-show at breakfast. Either he had already realised and was desperately trying to remove the offending items from various parts of his body, or it was going to be one hell of a show when he did descend from the common room to the Great Hall for breakfast.
James was, as Lily was, hoping for the latter.
Sure enough, twenty minutes or so later, Sirius emerged from behind the huge doors to the Great Hall, though at first James didn't realise. He was barely recognisable. His face had been covered in permanent, over-dramatic makeup – huge red lips, much larger than his actual mouth, had been drawn on; blue and pink eyeshadow had been applied to his eyes; his hair was now brilliant red and had been lengthened and curled very effectively. The effect was something akin to looking at a clown – a very obviously gay clown.
"How's it going, Padfoot?" James asked him, choking down the laughter that was bubbling dangerously near the surface. Sirius looked at him strangely.
"Right enough, thanks," Sirius replied, and next to him, Remus burst out laughing. Lily had transfigured Sirius' vocal chords so they were much shorter and tighter, and he now sounded like a chipmunk with ADD. "What?" Sirius said again, and James realised that he was completely oblivious to the change in his voice. He shook his head and turned to Lily to give her a subtle thumbs up. She grinned back at him.
"You know, Sirius," Lily began quietly, "I was wondering something. Dumbledore asked me to announce something at breakfast today, but since you have such a strong voice, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind doing it?"
"Well, I have been known to do some public speaking in my time," Sirius replied, puffing out his chest. Remus and Peter snorted with laughter, desperately trying to conceal their amusement. "What's wrong with you two?" Sirius asked them, and Remus' expression cleared.
"Oh, just a joke we heard this morning." He said, and Sirius hesitated a moment before nodding. He looked towards Lily questioningly, and Lily did not reply, but handed him a piece of paper to read from. He grinned and stood up, clearing his throat.
"This wasn't part of the plan, Lils," James whispered to her, eyes wide.
"I know," Lily said apologetically. "I'm sorry, I just thought it would be-"
"It's the best thing I've ever heard!" James told her enthusiastically, and Lily grinned at him. Suddenly, Sirius began speaking.
"Excuse me, staff and students, but on behalf of the Head Girl and Boy I have an announcement to make," Sirius said, his voice squeaking painfully. Laughter was starting to erupt on the Slytherin table. James chanced a glance over at Professor Dumbledore, and grinned when he saw the Headmaster smiling and shaking his head incredulously. "All outdoor classes – that is, Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures – will be relocated to classrooms 3A and 3F, on the third floor, due to the arrival of some new creatures into Professor Kettleburn's care. That is all."
It was as though the entire Hall had started shaking – people were laughing heavily, pounding their fists on the tables in front of them as they clutched their stomachs in comical pain. Sirius brought his eyebrows together, looking confused.
"Was it something I said?"
---
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU TRYING TO PULL, POTTER? AND EVANS? UNBELIEVABLE, JUST… TARNISH MY GOOD REPUTATION IN PLAIN SIGHT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL… WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT…?"
Yes, Sirius Black was not a happy-chappy.
"Yes, but on the plus side, you no longer look or sound like Barbara Streisand." James replied nonchalantly.
James was sitting in front of Sirius, looking thoroughly unconcerned, while Lily was seated next to James, stony-faced.
"Sirius, I'm sorry, but how can you expect to pull that kind of thing on us and not get any back?" Lily asked him quietly.
"What are you doing?" Sirius exclaimed, red faced and extremely angry. "You know I can only dish it out! I'm not good at taking insults!"
"Well maybe you should get better," James told him shortly, his eyes still sparkling mischievously.
"Maybe I should get… Maybe I should get… Urgh!"
"Very articulate, well done."
"I can't believe you! How does what I did to you even compare to the humiliation you-"
"You branded me a slut, Black," Lily told him. Her voice was deadly quiet. "You branded me a slut, and I was going to make you pay."
"And I suppose you think it's paid off now?"
James nodded. "Paid in full."
"Well, you see," Sirius told them, "that's where you're wrong. It's not even yet, not even close. You think you can do something like that to Sirius Black and get away with it… you're wrong." Sirius got up suddenly and stormed off towards the staircases. He veered towards one before turning back. "This is the boy's dormitory, isn't it?" James and Lily both nodded. "Good!" And slammed the door.
"Don't you think we went too far, James?" Lily asked, after a moment of ominous silence.
"Didn't you hear him, Lils?" James said, an evil glint of hilarity shining in his eyes. "It's not over yet. It's not even close."
"I don't know. I still think we should just stop. Take the higher ground, be the better people. Don't you?"
"Listen, you don't know the way Sirius works," James told her earnestly. "If we just stop, he'll take it as a weakness, he won't have any respect for us. We have to show him who's boss. He's like a dog. We just have to show him who's boss."
"But it was a little cruel, what we did this morning to him. He won't live it down for ages…"
"And so what? If we'd gone around school with 'slut' and 'manwhore' on our respective foreheads, we wouldn't have been able to live it down either!"
"That's true…" Lily trailed off, still obviously unconvinced.
"And look, I don't understand you. You're the one that came up with the idea in the first place-"
"Yeah, but I got caught up in the moment. It seems perfectly fine when I'm angry, but-"
"And don't you deserve to be angry? Don't you deserve a little revenge?" James asked her suddenly.
Lily nodded. "I guess that's true."
"It is true, Lils," James said reassuringly, taking her hand and look directly into her eyes. "We'll be fine."
"You don't think this will get out of hand?" Lily asked him quietly, and yawned.
"It's already out of hand. We just have to wait and see how far Sirius'll take it."
"We just have to wait and see." She echoed, and with a small, worried smile, made her way dejectedly to bed.
A/N: Ah, yes, I am still here. Can't believe I've actually written this, I was almost going to give up on it. Anyway, please do review and let me know what you think .