"MTHLGFUEU"

"You okay?" he asked as my head bobbed up off his member.

"Fine. My phone's ringing," I said as I wiped away his creamy fluid and pulled out my iphone. I smiled broadly. It was my secret internet penpal.

My dick, it hurts; some crazy shit from it flows.

I stick to your words, the magical way sesame seeds stick to a bun.

Without your sesame words, my buns are less spectacular.

Adhere yourself to my bun, with my sticky dick glue.

Semen and seeds. Seedy semen-y needs. On oven fresh buns.

Delouseme_69

He's just like Keats I thought. I sighed and then texted him back.

I met a boy. His hair is fire, his loins are nice

I drink tequila, sometimes on ice

My coochie tastes like citrusy lime

I should really see the ONGYN about that

Seriously, it's like a rotten Fresca down there

But the boy doesn't want me.

Ordinary_Slut

I hit send and stared out the window.

"Who was that?" he asked suspiciously.

"Just a friend from Pheonix," I said innocently.

"Really? I'm from Pheonix," he replied.

"You wouldn't know him. He's a singer/songwriter in a really underground band. You've probably never heard of it. No one's ever heard of it. It's really scene," I said, trying to sound unpretentious. He shifted in his seat and tried to hide his disappointment.

"It's cool. I totally know how that is. I'm in a band just like that back in Pheonix. Our shows are so underground, sometimes no one shows up at all," he said broodingly with a casual shrug. It turned me on.

I reached over to kiss him but then his phone buzzed and stared out the window again, suddenly torn between my Edward and Delouseme_69.

A few minutes later my phone buzzed and I discretely pulled it out. Edward's mind seemed elsewhere.

I met a girl. She's pretty average

I think I might use her for sex for a while

Until I quench my thirst in your sulpherous Sprite-like pussy

And we can deal with whole seed bun issue, too

Until then, let's keep not telling each other our names

I think that's a good idea and really wise

It's not contrived at all

Delouseme_69

I smiled and shut my phone and Edward and I rode the rest of the way to visitation in an awkward heavy silence. It felt like something was in the air and I couldn't put my finger on it. It was too mysterious a thing to comprehend. I tried really, really hard and all the things we'd said bounced in my head but I came up with....nothing.

We pulled up outside the jail house where Alice was waiting outside in technicolor coat that touched the pavement and her long white blonde hair wound into a ponytail with a reem of hot pink tuile. Always the fashionplate.

"Bella!"

"Alice! This is Edward. You remember him from the traveling show the other night?" I said.

"Yeah, the Vampire. You were really great," she said and batted her lashes. I seethed.

"Thanks," he replied smoothly with a gleaming white smile.

"Yes, we're here to visit her BOYFRIEND and SOUL MATE, Jasper," I emphasized.

"Yes, Jasper's the love of my life," she said and she seemed to snap out of her lusting after my man. Edward was my man now, right? Did I want him to be? Delouseme_69 was so smart and clever, but Edward was sexy. I was torn. Maybe not torn, but certainly perforated. I could feel the pre-dotted lines splitting my soul and heart in half, equal in parts. Just like a Pheonix. Yeah, a Pheonix gloriously rising from the ashes of redemption, wings blazing hot like a thousand Moroccan suns to live once more and soar above materialism and the commonwealth, above slavery and persecution. Wait, that's not relevant. I decided to abandon my inner dialogue.

We went inside the waiting room until Jasper appeared in his orange jumper in shackles, shuffling his feet. His long dirty blonde hair tousled and his tattoos peeking out from the flesh under every edge of fabric like he'd showered in fountain pens and just let it bleed. No soap.

"S'up," he said with a nod and took a seat. The huge shiny scar that serrated his Adam's apple was a distraction.

"Hello, I'm Edward, Edward Cullen," he said confidently, leaning forward extending a hand.

"I just fuckin' bet you are," Jasper leered suspiciously as his knee bounced and his eyes shifted nervously around the cinderblock room. "Who's idea was it to bring a fuckin' Edward here?"

"Uh, he's with me," I replied, nervously.

"Yeah, you Marxist bitch, I bet he is with you," he spat quickly, his eyes bulging.

"Sorry," I muttered and Edward's arm tightened.

"I should punish you for this, you dirty bitch. I should fuck you right here on this floor and roll all that silky hair on this spit out gum and rub the strawberry right out until you smell like Lysol. Clean as whistle." He whistled with bulging wide eyes, the whites rimming them like china white plate chargers.

We were stunned silent.

"Fuckin' pine. I like that shit," he muttered.

"Hi Jasper," Alice said nervously.

"You again," he said.

"Hun, I made you some cookies," she said.

"Who the fuck do I look like?! Do I fuckin' look like a cookie eatin' motherfucker to you? I should eat your fuckin' cookie right now, you tiny disco macaroon lookin' midget. All fuckin' delicious. Lick my lips," he said.

No one said anything for a while.

"So are you holding up OK?" I asked breaking the silence and his head snapped to me.

"All be holding up better once I douse you hair in lemon scented disinfectant and stick my dick in your asshole a couple times. Like a fuckin' dipstick. So I can measure my progress," he said.

"Hey now," Edward interrupted.

"Inches of brown. All up in your chocolate starfish. I like to gauge my accomplishments, you know?"

"I think that's enough," Edward hissed.

"Why? Jealous? I bet you are, you dipstick testin' lookin' motherfucker. I got a big black guy named Hammer that'd love to test his out on you," he said with a smile that made us all uneasy. I looked over to Edward, who looked like he was considering something until I nudged him.

"Ahem...you...you shouldn't talk like that in front of the ladies," he murmured and slouched in his seat awkwardly.

"It'd suck to have a brown dick. How do you measure your success in the starfish with a brown dick?" Jasper mused philosphically.

"So deep," Alice said, mesmerized.

"You don't know deep until you let a man's knuckles graze your kidney from the inside," he whispered leaning in, licking his lips. She blushed.

"Well, we were just stopping by on our way out of town. Edward and I are running away together," I smiled.

"Oh yeah?" Jasper's brow quirked with interest.

"We're headed to Florida," Edward said and Jasper's out of focus eyes blinked and he seemed to come to.

"Hey, uh, Edward. I need a favor from you, buddy," Jaz said.

"Well sure!" Edward replied, Jasper sneered.

"Pull your car around the laundry entrance. I got a special jumpsuit for my parole hearing and I was wondering if you'd drop it at the dry cleaners for me," he explained.

We all looked at each other, not sure what the laundry proceedure was, but willing to help a friend. We didn't have any reason to decline. It seemed reasonable.

"Sure," Edward answered reluctantly. "I can do that."

We pulled the Nova around the back of the building and circled a few time looking for the service exit Jasper told us to meet him at before parking.

"He's allowed to send his laundry out?' I asked no one.

"Well, you can take a man's freedom, but you can't take his unnatural obsession with clean underwear," Edward said. Alice and I both nodded.

Bang, bang, bang!

We heard loud shots ring out and we all ducked instinctively.

"Holy shit!"

"What was that?!"

"Stay down!"

CLUNK!

"What the fuck!" Edward yelled as I saw Jasper had landed on the front windshield, clinging on like a homicidal monkey as we fishtailed and spun.

"Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfuckers!!" He screamed as he reached in his waistband and fired shots in the air. "Drive, fuckers, drive!!" he screamed at us as his pistol clanged against the glass.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"We're getting the fuck out of here," Edward said as the car screeched off and gunshots rang out behind us.

"Yeeee-Haaawww!!" Jasper hollered as he rode the hood like a mechanical bull firing in the air.

"I love you, Jasper!!" Alice yelled from the back seat, smiling so hard.

"I wanna fuck you in the ass, little midgetttttt!!!" he screamed and rose up on his knees. "I'm the king of the world!!" he proclaimed and I decided then and there if there was a such thing as a life sized Jesus hood ornament in standard prison garb for rusted hatchbacks, Jasper was it. I looked to my side and saw my Edward excited with the thrill of the chase, and I knew the two divine boys would be Alice and I's saviors.

"Where do you wanna go now?" Edward asked, taking my hand in his.

I wanted to go the most special place on Earth.

"Let's go to The Sizzler," I said. He smiled and kissed the back of my hand.

*****************************************************

axn: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU???? YOU CRACKHEADS ARE TOO BUSY READING SOME PROLIFIC SHIT, LIKE 'BELLA DOES DALLAS WHILE EDWARD WATCHES' AREN'T YOU??? THIS IS A FUCKING INTERVENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S 3 AM, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TODDLER IS???? SHE'S OUT DOING DOPE DEALS AND PIMP SLAPPING HOES ON THE CORNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STRAIGHT RUNNIN' GANGSTA SHIT IN HER PAMPERS!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVEN'T LEFT YOUR HOUSE IN DAYS, YOUR EARS ARE DIRTY AND YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE FEET BECAUSE YOU'RE IN FRONT OF YOU'RE COMPUTER READING HARRY/EDWARD/BILL COMPTON/TOM BRADY SLASH!!!! THAT SHIT DOESN'T EXIST, DOES IT???? IF IT DOES, SEND ME A FUCKING LINKYYYY!!!!!!