Heavy Meddle
March 1, 2016
Today of all days at school for Lincoln was not a good day to begin with. To start things off, he got pantsed while opening his locker. Then in class, when he got up from his desk, the same kid tied his shoelaces together causing him to trip. Then at lunch, as he was sitting down at his lunch table, a fart noise is heard and he finds that he sat on a whoopee cushion that the same kid placed on his seat before he got here. Finally, at the end of the day, he checks for any more shenanigans before opening his locker, only to find a huge pile of garbage burying him the second he opened it. Lincoln finally had enough and decided to settle things straight with his bully.
Later on the walk home, Lincoln talks his settlement to Clyde.
Clyde: So, you really confronted that bully?
Lincoln: That's right. I said to meet me at 3:30 in front of my house, and we're gonna settle this.
Clyde: [worried for his friend] Whoa! You're gonna fight?!
Lincoln: I'm not an animal, Clyde. I'm going to deliver a strongly worded speech...as soon as I write it.
Clyde: [noticing something] Looks like that bully left you a note of their own.
Lincoln: Huh?
Lincoln looks up to see a sticky note on his head. He pulls it off and reads it.
Lincoln: [reading the note] "Lame-O."
There was also a piece of gum stuck in Lincoln's hair, unbeknownst to them before.
Clyde: [sniffs the gum] Ooh! Watermelon lime!
Lincoln: [sighs] Well, better not let my sisters see this.
Clyde: Wait, don't you have a brother too?
Lincoln: Yeah, but here's the thing. My sisters would want to get involved in every situation I get into and make things worse, the way they always do. I know this for a reason.
Clyde: I don't know. Maybe they'd be helpful. Your sister Lori gives great advice. She told me to never be myself. I love that woman. [looks lovesick]
Lincoln: Aw, Clyde. Sweet, innocent Clyde.[to the viewers] He has no idea what it's like to have ten meddling sisters.
He wasn't kidding when he said that. The last time they tried to help was when it looked like Lincoln was sick. And things ended pretty badly, as in hot chicken noodle soup all over his crotch and was bandaged from head to toe.
Lincoln: [holding up a finger with a bandage wrapped around it.] And that was just a paper cut!
Clyde: Well, then, you'd better get that gum out. You wanna look intimidating for that bully.
Lincoln: I was born intimidating.
Lincoln then tries to pull it out, but it's too grody for him to touch.
Lincoln: Ew, ew! Gross!
Clyde: You know, peanut butter will get that gum out.
Lincoln: Should I use chunky or smooth?
Clyde: Well, if you use chunky, you're gonna have to use smooth to get the chunks out.
Lincoln: Good point. Thanks, pal.
Lincoln goes into his house and looks around to see if any of his siblings are lurking. It looked like the coast is clear as he steps inside and puts his backpack on the floor.
LHN 6 LIVE
WEATHER REPORT: CLEAR SKIES
LINGERING BUTT-INS
KEEP UMBRELLA HANDY
Lincoln: [to the viewers] The National Weather Service reports clear skies with only a 20% chance of meddling sisters. But we advise keeping your umbrella handy.
Lily was playing with some of her toys when she notices Lincoln coming in.
Lincoln: [to Lily] Shh...
Lincoln then accidentally steps on a squeaky toy and lifts his foot up with some squeaking aftershocks from said toy.
Lily: Shh...
Lincoln: [to Lily] Shh... [sneaks off]
Lori: [from the other room] Hold it right there!
Lincoln froze in fear, thinking Lori has spotted him, but she's really talking to a friend of hers on her phone.
Lori: He wore cargo shorts on your date? That is literally the worst thing I have ever heard.
Lincoln: [relieved] Phew.
Luke: [appears behind Lincoln] Hey, dude!
Lincoln: [jumps] GAAAH!
Luke: Whoa, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. [looks at the gum] Uh, why is there gum in your-?
Lincoln quickly covers his mouth as Luke muffles in shock. Luke yanks Lincoln's hand off his mouth.
Luke: [angry] Dude! What's your-!
Lincoln: [cuts Luke off] Shhhhh!
Luke: [whispering] What?
Lincoln looks around for a second to see if any of the sisters are lustering about. Then he turns back to Luke.
Lincoln: [quietly] Don't tell our sisters about this. But I got bullied at school today, and if they find about the gum in my hair, you know what's gonna happen when it comes to these kinds of things.
Luke: [surprised; quietly] Wow, that's tough stuff. You better hope that they don't find you. Believe me, it happened to me before when I got into a situation like that. You don't wanna know.
Lincoln: [quietly] But you won't tell the others, right?
Luke: [quietly] Lincoln, do I look like I'm stupid? I'm not going to tell anybody about this, I got your back.
Lincoln: [quietly] Thanks, Luke. See ya.
Lincoln sneaks into the kitchen, gets to the fridge and looks for the peanut butter.
Lincoln: Peanut butter, peanut butter...where's the peanut butter?
Just then, Luna comes in humming a tune and Lincoln quickly hides the gum by sticking his head in one of the crisper drawers.
Luna: Hey, bro.
Lincoln: Oh, hey, Luna. What's the haps?
Luna: [sees Lincoln's position] Rad way to chill out, bro.
Lincoln: Right. Totally rad.
Luna: Hey, hook me up with some pudding.
Lincoln feels around for a pudding cup and touches a piece of quickly shakes off the broccoli texture off his hand and finds a pudding cup and hands it to Luna.
Luna: Thanks. Stay cool.
As soon as Luna was out of sight, Lincoln gets his head out of the crisper drawer with a head of cabbage on the gum and shakes it off. He finally manages to find the peanut butter jar.
Lincoln: Peanut butter!
Lincoln opens the jar and discovers that it's empty to his surprise.
Lincoln: [frustrated] Ah! Why do people put empty jars back in the fridge?! [puts it back in despite what he just ranted about] I need a Plan B.
Lincoln looks to see that Lori is still on the phone.
Lori: Socks and sandals? Cut it out!
Lincoln: [gets an idea] "Cut it out." That's it! [sneaks past Lori]
Lori: Now that is literally the worst thing I have ever heard.
Lincoln sneaks back into the living room, where Luke is now playing a console game. He sneaks into his parents' room and grabs a pair of scissors to cut the gum out with as he makes his way to the staircase. Suddenly, Luan is coming down the stairs and Lincoln sticks the gum to the wall to hide it.
Lincoln: Hey, Luan.
Luan: Hey, Lincoln. What do you think of this joke? "If I were you, I'd go for the baboon!"
Lincoln: [puzzled] I don't get it.
Luan: Oh. Well, that's just the punchline. I still gotta think of the setup. [walks away]
Lincoln heads up the stairs and makes it to the door to his room. Just as he about to enter, his mom calls him.
Rita: [offscreen] Lincoln, honey! I need you to take out the trash!
Lincoln: Okay, Mom! Five minutes!
Rita: [offscreen] Not five minutes! Now!
Lincoln: I will! Just give me three minutes!
Lynn Sr.: [offscreen] Lincoln, listen to your mother!
Lincoln groans, sneaks around to avoid his sisters, and takes the trash out by the yard. Leni approaches him and he puts the trash lid on the gum to hide it.
Leni: Hey, Lincoln. Is my desk lamp in there? I can't find it anywhere.
Lincoln: Nope. Have you tried looking on your desk?
Leni: So smart! [sees the lid on Lincoln's head] What's up with that hat?
Lincoln: Oh, this? [striking a few poses] These are all the rage right now. I'm surprised you didn't know. [leaves]
Leni: [inspired] Hmm...
Lincoln sneaks back inside the house and to the door to his room. He was just about to head inside until Lisa catches him.
Lisa: Greetings, human. There's Liquidambar Styraciflua in your follicular area.
Lincoln: A what in my who now?
Lisa: You've got gum in your hair.
Lincoln: Oh, yes. I'm sure it's just-
Lisa: I assume that being of average intelligence, you didn't place it there yourself. Therefore, I can only deduce that someone has been picking on you.
Lincoln: [begging] Lisa, please! You can't tell! I don't want everyone getting involved.
Lisa: Don't worry. I do not have enough room in my brain for this kind of tomfoolery. [walks away]
Lincoln: Phew. [enters his room]
Meanwhile, Luke is still playing his game as he gets killed by a boss, he throws his controller onto the couch.
Luke: Dang it! Almost had him.
Just then, he hears a bunch of commotion coming from upstairs. He gets off the couch and heads up into the hallway and to his surprise, he sees all his sisters surrounding Lincoln's door.
Luke: Whoa, what's going on?
Lana: We just heard that Lincoln was being bullied at school!
Lori: So we're gonna try to help him like we always do.
Luke: [shocked] Wait, what?! How did you-?!
Luke was once again cut off when Lynn kicks his door open to find that Lincoln was about to dispose the gum.
Lynn: You're being picked on!
Lincoln: [irritated] Lisa, I thought you weren't going to say anything. And Luke, you too?!
Luke: [holds his hands up in innocence] Hey, I had nothing to do with this.
Lisa: Besides, what I said was I did not have room in my brain for your secret. Hence, I removed it and transferred it to Lynn, whose brain apparently has ample room.
Lynn: Thanks. [beat] Hey!
Luna: So, you are being picked on!
Lincoln: [nervous] Of course not!
Luan: [points to the gum] Then what's that?
Lincoln: That's just my gum.
Lincoln chews it, attempting to try to cover it up but was obviously disgusted by it.
Lincoln: Mmm...watermelon lime. AND HAIR!
Lincoln coughs it out and the girls start demanding him to let them help him.
Luke: [to himself; sighs] Here we go again…
Lincoln: [begging them] Guys! Guys! Please stay out of this! You'll only make it worse!
Lori: If by worse you mean better, I agree.
Luke: No, that's not what he-!
Lola: You should go straight to the school principal!
Lori: Forget that. You should literally text an embarrassing picture of him to all his friends.
Luan: I'm gonna write an insult comedy routine that will leave him in tears!
Lynn: [flips at Lincoln] HOO-WAH! [kicks him] Basic stealth ninja kick. That's how you're gonna take him down.
Lincoln groans and gives us an update on the weather of his life with storm clouds coming in over his face.
SISTERNADO WARNING: CATEGORY 1 BUTTING IN
PRIMARY RISK: Making things worse for me
Damaging childhood
Bad advice
BREAKING NEWS: FIRST ALERT SEVERE SISTWISTER THREAT
Lincoln: [to the viewers] Well, folks, the National Weather Service has just released a Category 1 Sisternado Watch. We advise boarding up your windows and preparing your emergency supplies.
Lynn suddenly grabs Lincoln and has him in a hold.
Lynn: That's the camel clutch. Another good option for ya. [gets off him]
Lincoln: Look, I don't need any-
Luan: We'll start with some basic dumb jokes. Like, you're so dumb you locked yourself inside your car. That kind of thing.
Lola: Ooh I know! I'll invite him to a tea party and make him use the chipped cup!" [has a sinister smile with a sinister sting to accompany it] I'm so evil, sometimes I scare even me.
Luke: How is that gonna help him exactly?
Lincoln notices Lynn standing in a strange pose.
Lincoln: What are you doing?
Lynn: [pulls Lincoln's shirt over his face] SURPRISE MIME ATTACK! I invented that one myself.
Lincoln: [pulls his shirt back down] Lynn, I'm not going to fight. I-
Lynn: Ugh! Fine! I'll take care of this myself. [walks off]
Luna: You should do this! [slams a pair of cymbals right in Lincoln's ears] His ears'll be ringing for days!
Luan: Ugly jokes are always good, too. Like, "You're so ugly, you have to trick-or-treat over the phone!"
Lincoln: [his ears still ringing] WHAT?!
Lynn returns with a boy that she found and carries him by the seat of his pants.
Lynn: Look! I found him!
The girls surround him and are not very happy with him.
Lori: How dare you bully our brother! Only we get to do that.
Luke: What?
Lana: [spits the gum right into Lincoln's hand] Smoosh your watermelon lime gum in his hair, Lincoln! [sees that Lincoln is too hesitant to do it] Fine. I'll do it.
Lincoln: Wait! Stop! This guy isn't my enemy! Although, thanks to you, he probably will be now.
The boy growls at him for what he's been put through.
Lynn: Oh. [kicks the boy out] Why are you still here?
Lana: I can't believe I almost wasted perfectly good gum on him. [takes the gum back and chews it]
Lynn: I'll go get another boy. [proceeds to do so]
Lincoln: No! Lynn, stop! IT'S NOT EVEN A BOY!
Lynn suddenly stops surprised at that fact and the others start to get perplexed.
Leni: Is it a dog?
Lincoln: [sighs] It's a girl...
The siblings are flabbergasted and gasp to hear the news, but then, all of them, except Lisa and Luke, start squealing with delight.
Lincoln: [perplexed] What?
All the girls except Lisa give him a big group hug and suffocate him.
Lisa: Normally, I don't care for inane human emotions, but... [squeals just as delighted as they did and joins the hug.]
Luna: Lincoln! Why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?
Lola: She sounds so pretty.
Lincoln: [suffocating] What is happening?
The girls all release Lincoln from their hug.
Lori: When a girl picks on you, that only ever means one thing: she likes you~.
The girls all squeal again and Lincoln is just dumbfounded at this explanation.
Luke: Seriously?! That is the most stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Lincoln: I agree with Luke. Besides, she shoved a sandwich down my pants! I was picking sesame seeds out of my butt for days!
The girls swoon over such a flirty prank.
Leni: So romantic...
Lori: That's a classic.
Luke: Totally not a classic, nor romantic.
Lori: Oh, come on, Luke. What do you know about romance?
Luke sighs in annoyance.
Lincoln: You guys are nuts! She hates me! I'm gonna meet her today and give her a piece of my mind.
Lori: You need to give her a piece of your heart instead.
Lincoln: [scared] WHAT?!
Leni: I think he needs to kiss her.
Lily makes kissy faces in agreement.
Lincoln: [petrified] WHAT?!
Sisters: KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!
At that moment, as the girls continue chanting Lincoln to kiss his bully, they all start forming miniature tornadoes around them and merge together to create the Sisternado.
Luke: Oh, no. Not the Sisternado!
SISTERNADO RED ALERT
BREAKING NEWS
S.O.S./TAKE COVER/#AAAHH!
Lincoln: [to the viewers] This just in from the National Weather Service! The Sisternado watch has been upgraded to a Sisternado warning. TAKE COVER IMMEDIATELY!
Sisternado: KISS HER! KISS HER! [traps Lincoln inside] KISS HER! KISS HER!
Lincoln and Luke escape and run into the bathroom to seek shelter. Lincoln picks up his walkie-talkie.
Lincoln: MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Clyde, do you copy?
Clyde: Roger. I mean, this is Clyde, not Roger. But yeah. Roger, it's Clyde.
Lincoln: [panicking] My sisters have lost their minds! They think the bully likes me! They want me to kiss her!
Clyde: I don't know. Maybe they're right, Lincoln.
Lincoln: My sisters are never right! All they do is meddle.
Clyde: They're girls, Lincoln. They know more about these things than we do. It's a scientific fact.
Lincoln: Yeah, but there's no way that- [suddenly starts considering the possibility] Wow. Me? You really think she might like me? How would I know?
Clyde: There's only one way to find out.
Lincoln turns off his walkie-talkie and starts to head out of the bathroom.
Luke: Wait, you're actually going to do it?
Lincoln: Sorry, Luke. Besides, I think she might actually like me.
Luke: [to himself] Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to end well…
Lincoln goes out to confront the Sisternado.
Sisternado: KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!
Lincoln: Hold it!
The Sisternado comes to a stop and the sisters turn back to normal.
Lincoln: So am I going to kiss this girl or what? [smirks]
The sisters sans Lisa squeal again.
Lisa: Again... [squeals again]
Luke: [walks up] You sure about this?
Lincoln: [confident] Trust me.
3:30 PM
Lincoln: It's 3:30. Lola, lip balm. [Lola applies it] Lana, breath mint. [Lana puts it in his mouth] Let's do this. [heads on out to meet the girl of his dreams.]
Lynn: Go get her, Romeo.
Lori: You so got this, little bro.
Lola: Aw, our little Lincoln.
Lana: All grown up.
Lola hands Lana a tissue for her to blow her nose. Luke notices that Leni wearing a trash lid on her head, having fallen for Lincoln's lie.
Luke: Uh, Leni, what are you wearing?
Leni: Oh, this is the latest new trend. All the bridesmaids should wear these hats at Lincoln's wedding. These are all the rage right now.
Lincoln steps outside, marches up to his bully, and gives her a kiss.
Sisters: [sweetly] Aww...
The bully, however, responds to this romantic gesture by punching Lincoln in the face.
Siblings: [concerned] Ooh!
Lincoln steps back inside with a black eye and now incredibly furious at his sisters.
Luna: Sorry, buddy. Our bad.
Luan: Well, at least, you gave it a shot.
Lynn: I'll get some ice for that shiner.
Lisa: X-ray machine, stat.
Leni: I'm really sorry, Lincoln.
The girls all try to apologize to Lincoln for their meddling, which he is through hearing.
Lincoln: [infuriated] QUIET! Every time you guys butt into my life, you make things worse! Well, guess what? Never again! NO! MORE! MEDDLING!
Lincoln walks to his room and slams the door in rage as his sisters stand there feeling guilty. Luke turns to them and crosses his arms.
Luke: See? What did I tell you? And you guys didn't listen to us at all!
Lori: Ok, ok! We were wrong! I get it.
Lynn: I guess we deserve it.
Lucy: I just hope Lincoln's going to be ok.
Luke: [looks up at the stairs] We'll just hope for the better...
Lincoln is now in his room sitting on his bed, angered by the fact that he actually listened to his sisters for once.
Lincoln: I knew it all along. I should never have listened to them. My sisters are always wrong.
Just then, someone whistles from outside to get Lincoln's attention.
Lincoln: Huh?
Lincoln looks out his window on one end as a rock comes flying in through the other end and sees there's a note attached to it and reads it.
Lincoln: "Sorry, Lame-O. Here's my number. Text me?"
He looked confused for a second but then smiles and looks out the window to get a steak thrown at his eye, he notices it has a note too and reads it.
Lincoln: "For your eye. XOXO, Ronnie Anne."
Lincoln smiles hopefully and places steak over his shiner and turns to the viewers.
Lincoln: Okay, maybe just this one time, my sisters were right. But don't tell them that!