Who: Joker and Matriarch Aethyta
Where: On the Kodiak, returning to the Normandy
What: "Who the hell are you?"
Joker loved the Normandy. He loved the ship and those part of her – the Commander, Tali, Garrus, all the rest. EDI, too, in a slightly different way. The Normandy was something special.
But he wasn't particularly pleased to be returning to her now. One, shore leave was over – no more explaining the comedian's jokes to EDI, or waving his arms stupidly on the dance floor. Two, he wasn't keen on the whole Reaper War crap – sure, it had to be done and no one else could do it, but it wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs, particularly after that whole Mordin thing on Tuchanka. Three, he knew it was safer to leave the Normandy in high orbit, what with all the traffic at the docking bays, and take the Kodiak down to the Citadel, but he didn't care for the way the shuttle jostled them, and he never felt safe when he wasn't at the helm. Sure, Cortez was okay, but he was no Joker.
And the shuttle was too small, which brought Joker to the bit he really, really, hated: the fact it was him in the shuttle with the Commander and the Commander's sorta prospective father-in-law.
Talk about awkward.
"Sure, you're Commander Shepard. First human Spectre, killed Saren, stopped the Collectors, back from the dead to save the galaxy one more time. It's a nice résumé, babe. I like it. But let's just get this straight: I don't care. Nobody messes with my girl."
Shepard crossed his arms in that way that meant there was trouble ahead. "Washed-up bartender or commando spy, get this clear: nobody messes with my girl."
The asari laughed, a deep, husky sound. "Okay, you're not so bad for a human. Maybe you're good enough for her."
"Not by a long shot," Shepard said. "But there's nobody better out there."
They stared at each other – it reminded Joker of nothing so much as two krogans about to headbutt each other – but the Commander had done that, and if scuttlebutt was right (and, damn, Joker hoped it was, 'cos the idea of sweet innocent Liara – okay, well, not so sweet and innocent anymore, not after that Shadow Broker stuff – but, still, Liara being part krogan was just too good to be fake)... he'd sorta lost his train of thought.
Oh, yeah, her grandpa was a krogan. Had she ever mentioned it to Wrex? It'd be sorta neat if Wrex was her grandfather. He could just see her sitting on his lap, looking all sweet and innocent and –
"Do your hair tentacles move?"
Who'd said that? Who'd said such a stupid thing in the middle of all that tension? Shepard and the asari were both looking at -
Shit, shit, shit. What a stupid tool he was.
"Who the hell are you?"
"My pilot," Shepard answered, and glared at him. "Shortly to be demoted and put on deck-swabbing duty unless he learns to keep his damn mouth shut, now."
"Damn mouth shut now, sir."