I awoke the next morning to a knocking at my door. Blinking in the dimness of the room, I remembered where I was.
Or, rather, I remembered that I couldn't remember.
I groaned and hauled myself to the door, running a hand through my shoulder-length orange-to-red-to-black hair. I opened it to the smiling face of Jacen.
"Hey! Ready for breakfast?" He said cheerily. Much too cheerily for my tastes, but I nodded and managed a smile anyway.
I splashed some cold water on my face and pulled on my thick, black combat boots. Tucking my black flight pants into them quickly, I pulled on my light, black (notice a pattern here?) jacket over my black (hehe) tight-fitting tunic.
I think that I used to like the color black.
Following Jacen to the mess hall, he began to explain the days activities to me. After breakfast came personal training, followed by some sort of group session before lunch. In the afternoon, the Master would usually do some combat training, or a sort of history lesson would be taught from Tionne, an old student from the Academy's early days. I wondered if the Master would want me to speak to any of the students about my knowledge of the Jedi. I doubted it, and didn't exactly want it either. What would they want to hear from someone who doesn't even know her own name?
We reached the mess hall, and I found the smells delightful. Jacen warned me on what not to eat. Apparently, the cook wasn't the most talented one around.
We sat near the end of one of the long tables in the mess hall. I got a few surprised or wary looks for the students when I entered, so I kept my head down.
Sitting across from us were two girls a boy. They were all about fifteen and human.
"This," Jacen said, gesturing to the boy who had purple bangs that framed his face on either side down to his chin, with ear-length black hair over the rest of his head. "is Corban. And that's Erin," he gestured to a girl with short, black hair and green eyes. She smiled and waved at me. "And this is Dätura. Everyone calls her Dai for short, though." The girl, who had red-copper hair that seemed to change color when she moved, nodded in my direction. She had her hair so the bangs were short and spiked down her forehead. The rest of her hair was only a few centimeters long, and layered to frame her round face. Her dark eyes contrasted with the brightness of her hair.
"So," Erin said cheerily, "Master Luke told us that you might be staying for a while?" Her question was straight-forward and almost rude, depending on your point of view, but the sound of her voice made it sound completely innocent.
I nodded as I dug (literally) into my soup bowl with a spoon. "Yeah, until I get a clue as to who I am." I gave her a smile when she started a bit, showing her that I wasn't all depressed about it or anything. "It's ok, I know I'll get my memories back sometime." I laughed lightly. "Until then, I get to deal with being Force-inept and completely confused."
Jacen grinned lop-sidedly and slapped me on the back. "Hey, lighten up. You'll be fine a few days, don't you worry." I gave him a sarcastic look as if to say, 'I thought I was lightening up'. He took the hint and turned back to his food.
The truth was, I was still in shock from what happened yesterday. The whole 'I'm fine don't mind me' routine seemed to come easily, and I wondered then if that's what my former self had been like. Sarcastic, talkative and always smirking.
Jacen interrupted my thoughts by suddenly clapping his hands together and saying, "Oh! I learned a new joke! Do you guys want to hear it?"
Erin, Corban and Dätura all looked up at the same time and said, rather loudly, "No!"
Jacen jumped a bit, but kept smiling. "Aw, common, you guys!" He turned to me. "You liked my jokes last night, didn't you?" I could tell he wanted to mention my name at the end of his sentence, but since he didn't know my name, he ended it rather abruptly. So, Jacen wasn't the smoothest person around. Oh well. His intentions where good, and that's all that mattered.
I smirked at him. "Yeah, about as much as I like Bantha fodder." He mockingly looked hurt, and Erin laughed. Corban smiled a bit, and Dätura only let out a faint 'hm' to let anyone know that she found Jacen's antics funny.
"I'm so hurt!" He laughed before picking at his breakfast some more.
I looked at Erin and raised an eyebrow. "Is he always like this?"
She laughed a bit and shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much." Corban smiled at her remark and glanced at her. A softer smile touched his lips, which made me wonder. Erin seemed not to notice this, though, and Corban stuffed more food into his mouth before she could. Odd boy.
I continued to eat as Jacen and Corban talked about how long he was going to be staying on Yavin 4. Apparently, we were on the fourth moon of the gas giant Yavin. I found that interesting enough, and decided to look into it later on. Jacen would be staying a week to help a few kids with lightsaber training, since he was rather good with one.
A hand on my shoulder made me look up from my soup (if that's what you could call the stuff) and into the eyes of the Master. I smiled at him and nodded. "Morning."
"Good morning. And to you too, Jacen, Dätura, Erin and Corban. How are you doing?" His voice was filled with compassion, and I couldn't help but feel comforted by it.
I shrugged in response to his question. "All right, I guess. The food ain't great, but that's ok." I looked back up to him after pointing down to my 'soup'. "Did you need me for something, Master?"
He nodded. "Yes, I'd like to do a meditation session later this afternoon with just you. We might be able to pull up some of your memories, if you're feeling up to it."
"Of course, Master." I thought for a moment, and added, "I also have that data pad that was in my satchel. We could look over that and it might provide us with something as well."
He smiled. "Good thinking. I'll see you this afternoon then, after my session with the younger kids."
I bowed my head as he walked away, then continued to eat.
"You're awful proper." The comment came from Dätura. It was not meant to be mean, I don't think. Being it the first thing she said to me, I was taken aback by the suddenness of it, though.
I blinked away my slight confusion and said, "And you're awful forward."
She simply nodded in my direction and continued to eat what looked to be a salad. Those were the last words I heard from her for the rest of the meal.
After we all finished, Jacen headed out of the temple to start training a few kids with the lightsabers. Corban and Erin were going to go for a run through the jungle. They said that they did it everyday, and it helped clear their minds a bit, even though it wasn't mandatory. Dätura simply walked off into the temple someplace. She didn't say where she was going or what she was doing, and no one seemed to think it odd that she just up and went.
I spent the rest of the morning exploring the temple. I took the lift up to every floor, walking through the corridors. I tried to reach out with my mind through the Force and feel, but I was still not able to. The idea of not feeling the Force left me a bit lonely. This was odd, since I didn't have any memories to know what I should be feeling. I guess it was instinct, or something.
After exploring the stone hallways of the Great Temple, or so it was called, I decided to have a look at it from outside. Anything to keep my mind off my loss-of-everything. I had caught a glimpse of it yesterday, but I wanted a better look. So I took the lift to the top floor, and exited onto the roof of the Temple.
It was amazing, to say the least. Green stretched out before me in all directions, broken by the occasional smaller temple. Far overhead loomed the gas giant Yavin, which was low in the sky. There was no sun, so everything was washed in an odd orange glow. The Temple itself was worn and old, but still stood mighty. There was something odd about it though, like it wasn't completely what it once used to be.
"Rebuilt is the word you're looking for."
The sudden comment came from behind me. I jumped and turned, to see Dätura sitting on the edge with her legs dangling off the side. Her back was to me, and she didn't bother to look at me as I sat down beside her. Her eyes never left the horizon as she spoke evenly, with a note of bitterness in her voice.
"Dark Jedi attacked this Temple about five years ago. They destroyed it after losing to Master Skywalker and the Jedi trained here." She gestured out to the horizon. "New Rebublic ships. They orbit this moon now constantly, making sure nothing attacks their dear, precious Jedi."
I looked at her in surprise now. "You sound bitter at them for protecting us." My voice was a bit more harsh than I would have liked, but it was true how I felt. She was mad at them for wanting to help.
"Hm. I suppose I am."
I paused for a moment, realizing what she had done. She cared, but she didn't. She trained here, becoming a Jedi, but resented those who held her in such high respect. It was like her intentions where selfish, but that just didn't seem quite right. She wasn't being selfish, just… detached. Maybe upset that they thought that the Jedi couldn't protect themselves. They had before, and only lost a temple. I saw her logic, yet I didn't.
I suddenly had a lot of respect for this girl.
"Thank you."
I shook my head. "Stop reading my thoughts if I can't read yours. Its rude." I grinned at her and she simply nodded.
We just sat there for a long time in silence. I don't know why, but we did. We would watch a ship moving across the sky, and somehow be able to track it, even though it was only a silver dot against a bluish sky.
I seemed to know what she was feeling, and it was nothing but peace. I couldn't feel her through the Force, exactly, but rather through something else. It was familiarity, it wasn't friendship or even understanding. It was just being. For the first time since I had woken a day before, I felt at ease.
When I rose to leave, I put a hand on her shoulder lightly and whispered, "Thank you."
She didn't nod or show any sign that I had left, but I know that actually saying something wasn't her way. This girl was hard to read, and I'm sure that if I could have felt her through the Force, I would have gotten just as much as I did not feeling her. At the same time, though, I felt her say, "You're welcome", even though I didn't hear it. Special, I think, is what she made me feel. Special that she let me feel calm in her presence.
I smirked to myself as I took the turbo lift to the bottom floor to find the Master. Now that I felt calmer about my situation, I had to dig into my subconscious and surly cause myself great pain and even more confusion.
Oh well.
~~`~{@
After speaking with the Master a bit, we decided that we should wait till an hour or two before dinner for the meditation session. In the meantime, he had a lecture planned for all the students until lunch.
Sitting in the far back of the Great Hall, I watched each of the students fall under his words. He spoke of the Jedi Code like I'm sure he had a million times before. Every one of them listened intently, watching him as he paced back and forth across the front of the room.
The scene seemed oddly typical. Even as the thought ran through my mind, I was annoyed by my loss of memory yet again. Half-way through his lecture, I couldn't take the feeling anymore so I decided to leave.
I took my leave as quietly as possible, and I'm sure only the Master noticed I was gone. Walking down the stone halls of the Academy, I tried on my own to recall something from my past.
I thought of the Jedi, the Code, and the few images of Jedi Masters that I could remember. I focused on certain things, trying to decipher what I might have been doing at the time. I ran my hand along the cold, stone walls and tried to fell them with the Force. I attempted to remember what it was like to reach out with it and let my consciousness flow along the currents of life. I wanted so bad to feel the flow of the Force against my mind again. The one thing I could remember clearly were the hours in meditation, simply letting myself be one with the Force. My mind craved its presence again.
Dizziness and a headache rewarded me when I tried to feel it, of course.
This was when I let my defenses fall, and my self-imposed mask fade. I tired to relax like I had done with Dätura at the top of the Temple, but I failed. Guess I should have done instead of just tried. I could hear Master Yoda's voice faintly, scolding me for my lack of faith.
I returned to my quarters, craving a shower. I hadn't taken one last night, simply because I was in too much shock. Now the shock had been replaced with fatigue.
I stripped of my clothes and stepped into hot sprays of water. Sighing, I leaned against the wall of the shower unit and closed my eyes. I focused on the water as it ran over my body, wetting my just-past-shoulder-length hair. Who ever I was before sure had a nice body. Round breasts, soft hair, long legs and a slim waist.
I opened my eyes and watched the water fall. Who I was before…
Sighing irritably, I shook my head at the thought. Where was the peace that Dätura had shown me? I didn't want to think of things that made me want to bang my head against a wall in frustration. I simply wanted to remember, not be stuck here in the middle of memory and oblivion.
I swore lightly, pushing thought out of my head and wanting more than ever to return to just being, instead of feeling.
There is no emotion; There is peace.
Where was my peace, then? It's not like I was running from it or anything. Goddess be damned, I was craving it more than anything! The mocking memories were driving me up the wall, and nothing was helping me except some Force-spell put on me by a young girl. I wanted to yell at someone for placing me here in this place, where I had no one to turn to who would understand, or even so much as tell me who I am. I wasn't running, just...
I blinked and realized what I had just thought.
I drew in a startled breath as that fact that I had been running, since the moment I woke up in this new world. I had been running from things half-remembered.
Like the Master's eyes. They seemed so familiar, like the man was family or something. Why hadn't I thought of it more? And what had caused me to blow up at him like that? Did I usually freak out when something unusual confronted me? I hoped not.
And Jacen's smile. The way he grinned all lop-sided and cute-like was almost soothing to me.
I wanted to remember what that necklace meant. It had a ring on it, though I hadn't paid it much attention before. It was gold and silver braided together loosely. In contrast, the chain was a dingy metal that was in need of polishing.
My data pad. I hadn't looked through it yet because I was afraid of the emptiness I first felt when I woke up. I could probably hack into it easily, but I just hadn't tried.
Shaking my head, I once again felt the hole inside of me. I wrapped my arms around myself and put my face in the stream of water. The pain surfaced and I willed myself not to cry. I wanted to remember so badly. I just wanted to know why his clear blue eyes were so familiar. I wanted to know who I was, instead of guessing.
A ragged sigh escaped me and I scolded myself for being so weak. I didn't need to feel sorry for myself right now. I just needed to calm down and sort things out a bit. The task, however, was easier said than done.
I knew I was reacting like any other person would; I tried not to focus on anything that might upset me. That, however, wasn't going to make my memory come back. I knew this and yet I still didn't want to think too much.
I shook my head violently, deciding that I needed to face what I knew, and maybe I'd figure out some way to find me again. And maybe, I could find a way to fit into the world here and now. Goddess knows that it must have changed since I last remembered it. Or rather, since I remembered it once I actually remembered it in the first place…
I shook my head again and recapped what I knew, leaving the verb tenses to be pondered later.
When I first awoke, I had been searching for someone through the Force in a panic. I didn't find them, so my mind had felt torn. I didn't want to feel the loss and pain again, so I locked myself up. I literally trapped myself in a little box so I wouldn't have to deal.
A nice little trick, but at the moment, it didn't help me any.
Stepping away from the water, I looked down at my hands and traced a few pale scars across them. The scars ran like tiny wires across my callused palm, like I had stuck my hand in a still-hot hyperdrive or something. An image of flying sparks, smoke and the scent of singed hair filled my mind.
I knew it was a memory.
"TR-02…" The name came easily off of my lips, like I had said it a million times. Of course, I knew that I had. The wonderful part of that was that I actually knew something. I ran my hand through my hair, recalling how I had gotten the scars on my palms.
A Jedi Master had instructed me to fix a droid after had I misbehaved at one of her lessons. She was a Twi'lik, and one of the most strict Jedi at the Temple. I was rushing the job, and not paying attention to where I was sticking my hands. I was letting anger take over part of my mind, and though it was only for a minute or two, I paid the price. The burns on my hands resulted when I slammed them against the droid's innards in frustration. Sparks flew out, singeing the hair on my hands, arms and some of it on my head. The wires were hot because, in my hurry, I had forgotten to let the droid cool after I shut him down. He was an older model, in charge of kitchen duty.
I smiled despite the memory. Simply that it was a memory, and not just a feeling, made me want to smile. Letting out a light laugh, I continued to look over my body for scars and things that would jog my memory more. Every scar had a story, and each one I could remember to some degree. None in the depth that the ones on my hands had, but it was still something.
Something to say 'I did this' about. Something that was of my past, however pain-filled that was.
"So…" I whispered to myself after I was done inspecting myself. I noted with annoyance that my voice shook with the excitement and pain. "All I gotta do is focus on me. On those things that are a part of me."
I smiled.
Me.
I liked the sound of that.
~~`~{@
End chapter 4
Author's Notes: Thanks so much to Amy Lee for giving me advice on this next chapter. I hope I added enough depth to it for 'yall. I'll get the next chapter up ASAP! ^-^