She opened her eyes after a couple of minutes. Except it wasn't a couple of minutes. It was longer. The sun was beginning to lighten the sky around them whereas before the moon was covered by clouds and all she could see was darkness all around her. She had made her way to the edge of the lake through the guidance of her memories telling her where things used to be and where she should go next. Now that things were no longer hidden away she could see how wrong she had been about where everything stood. She wonders what else she missed while trying to see things from memory and the cover of night instead of with the help of some sort of light source. She took a deep breath but it didn't clear her head. She began tracing the lines on Paige's wife beater, following the simple motions that her index finger made with her eyes. Up and down. Up and down. Down and up. Down and up and back again until all she could think of was how much she liked the way Paige was warm and solid against her. She rests her palm against Paige's back. She wonders what last night meant. If Ali drowned just the same way she had. Without meaning to fill her lungs with dirt. If she had just woken up from a bad dream and decided it was a nice night for a walk and then just let her feet take her forward until there was no turning back. If her gypsy heart had guided her straight into the grave. If everything that night twisted from a dream into a nightmare and suddenly Spencer questions whether she really meant to disappear under the water, the same way Ali disappeared beneath the ground that night. It already feels like her mistakes were made ages ago instead of within a couple of hours. People drown all the time. They get buried alive under layers and layers of water. She had died and come back to life and yet nothing had changed. Not even her. She scratches her nose and yawns. She can't think with all these questions inside of her. But at least there's something that's finally louder than the leaky faucet in the kitchen sink. She doesn't know which is worse, the perpetual noise of the water going down the drain or the things she will find once her head clears up from all of this.
The sun creeps through the horizon and Paige doesn't move. She barely breathes. "Do you want to go inside?" She asks because even though the other girl is still, Spencer knows that she's not asleep. Paige shrugs and she feels it against her whole body. She smiles, even though that's not an answer. "Is that a yes?" She asks. Paige sighs as she looks at the sun, dancing on top of the lake. It makes her eyes hurt but she doesn't look away. She looks straight ahead, willing herself not to wince against the brightness. "Only if you're ready." She answers and her voice sounds just as tired as before. Maybe she stayed up while Spencer slept. Maybe she too forgot how to dream after A started coming after them even in sleep. Spencer doesn't answer right away because to be honest, she doesn't really care. Half her body is numb from not moving for hours on end. She can feel tiny prickles against the inside of her skin. Instead of thinking about how good it will feel to get circulation back she closes her eyes and pretends that they're out here by choice and not by accident. That they slept under the stars as a spontaneous thing and now they're going to watch the sunrise together for that same reason. It wasn't a calculated risk, it wasn't on a list, it hadn't been pre-approved, it had just happened. "Sure." She says out loud, opening her eyes to reality once again because her family always frowned on daydreaming and wasting the day away on wishes instead of actions that achieved results.
Paige nods and gets up, offering Spencer her hand. She takes it and Paige easily lifts her up on her feet. She's lighter than she's been in years. Even with the stones weighing her down. Paige doesn't let go of her hand; she simply guides her to the edge of the lake, until the water is well past their ankles. She thinks that Paige is going to scream at her, tell her to explain what she was really trying to accomplish yesterday. To show her what drowning really looks like, anything to break the silence between them. Instead, the other girl silently reaches into her pockets and starts throwing the stones into the lake like they're baseballs. Plop. Plop. Plop. The sound they make is louder than the sink in the middle of the night, waking her from sleep. She wonders why the whole world isn't awakened by their vulgar splashing. How they're not drowning by the waves the stones make. This is nothing like the way she used to skip stones and yet she doesn't want to stop Paige because the other girl is too busy looking at the way they disappear beneath the surface like it means something. Like that tells her everything she needs to know.
Soon enough Paige runs out of stones to throw but she's still breathing hard and without any rhythm, in long and short spurts that don't make sense. Spencer takes a tentative step forward, until she can look at Paige's face instead of her back and she realizes that Paige is crying again. It's so quiet that she wonders if it can even be called crying when no one else can hear you. When they can't feel it the way you do. Whatever is hurting you. She lifts her fingers to Paige's wet cheeks because she has to know if this is real. Everything still feels like a dream. Even the water isn't as cool and refreshing as she remembered it last night. Paige tries to turn away but this only makes her hold Paige's face with both of her hands. Turning her body so she's right in front of her. So Paige can't run away. "Spencer…" The way Paige says her name, with that low, almost whispery voice that is vulnerable and full of doubt is her undoing. Before, she would have been satisfied with going back inside that very second. To pretend that none of this ever happened. That's how her parents raised her.
You didn't deal with certain things; you simply stopped talking about them because it was messy to go about working through them. If you ignored them long enough, they would simply cease to exist. So they protected her from those ugly, weak things called feeling. That is, unless there were tied up with gloating for being better than everyone else. She wasn't even sure if that was an actual feeling or not but that was all that she was allowed to express. Anger, disappointment, sadness… those were things that didn't exist in the Hastings household unless they were directed towards her. Her parents were allowed to experience those things. She was only allowed to be a winner. Nothing else mattered but winning and proving that she was worthy of their last name. Her sister Melissa constantly outshone her peers and soon the pressure fell upon her. She had to be just like her. And then that wasn't enough. She had to keep working harder and harder just to be noticed because she was just another Hastings and not a person in her own right. She was relegated to being Melissa Hastings' little sister. The nerdy one with the glasses that wanted things too much. That tried too hard to be liked and admired. She wasn't memorable. She wasn't a whole force to be reckoned with. She simply existed as an extension to her whole family. And then her parents stopped being impressed with what Melissa would have given them because they thought that Spencer should be more than just Melissa's shadow. She should stand out on her own. While at the same time they told her that it was unbecoming for a young lady to talk about petty things like winning awards and medals when they had previously encouraged her over these same things. It was confusing. It was devastating.
So she learned to bury things. To want things in secret, when the rest of the world was asleep and she was free to dream about them. To figure out her desires out on her own. And even then, it had overwhelmed her because she realized that learning about facts and learning about people were two different ends of the spectrum. And right now she really wanted to learn about Paige McCullers. The girl that closed her eyes to the world because she understood that crying was weakness and weakness was always punished just the same as failure. They were synonyms and only other kids were allowed to cry. They had to be stronger than them. Stronger than everyone else. It's what they were raised with. It's what they knew. Spencer smoothed away Paige's tears against slick skin until they evaporated. And then she looked closer at the other girl. She frowned because she had actually never noticed before how Paige was just a couple of inches shorter than she was. She always saw Paige as being stronger than her… taller for some reason. And now… it was weird seeing her like this because it was a Paige she wasn't familiar with. She stepped closer and slowly traced Paige's face with her fingertips because she liked knowing things. Still Paige didn't open her eyes but her breathing had becomes more erratic and shallow. Like she had trouble breathing. Spencer stepped closer and closer until there was nowhere else to go. She stared at Paige and nodded to herself more than to the other girl because she couldn't see her. She wanted to make sure that this was okay. Because she doesn't want to pretend anymore. She wants to figure things out. Even if they're painful. Even if they threaten to tear her apart once again. She wants to understand things. Starting with Paige. But she still refuses to open her eyes. As if looking at her hurts almost as much as drowning did. So Spencer lifts her face and kisses her because she's curious. And Spencer Hastings was never one to leave things unexplored. To stay with doubts and unknowns. She wonders if this will give her any answers.
At first it was weird, kissing Paige. Not because she was a girl but because she didn't react to her. She just stood there, completely unresponsive. It made her feel insecure because she thought that Paige would at least do something. To either reciprocate or push her away. But she does nothing. This is what it must be like to kiss sleeping girls goodbye, Spencer thought. And then, out of nowhere, Paige is kissing her back. She doesn't kiss like Toby. Full of wanting and lust. She's gripping her so tightly and kissing her so desperately that she's afraid she'll disappear once Paige lets go of her. Tears fall against her fingers and she doesn't know what to do to get Paige to stop crying because she's never kissed someone this broken before. She wonders if Paige will ever stop crying. If she'll be herself again. She doesn't want to kiss Paige anymore. It's confusing to kiss someone like this. It's overwhelming. Her hands leave Paige's face and they travel down her chest until her right hand comes into contact with something sticky and wet on her shirt. She presses her fingers against it and stops kissing her for a moment. Spencer pushes harder on the same spot and Paige finally breaks the kiss, breathing hard and looking angry, lost, and confused. Spencer looks at her fingers. They're covered in blood.
Suddenly she remembers the moments before drowning. How comforting it was to be in the water, its warm embrace, telling her that she was safe, that she was finally home. Of swimming out here until the loneliness she brought from her school days leached from her bones and into the lake, until she was completely happy again and carefree. She didn't remember the dying. The pain before passing into that great oblivion that held her grandparents. Alison. All the people that died at the hands of A. She doesn't remember fighting, she just gave in and that scares her more than anything else. So she stares at the blood and wonders if Paige remembers what it feels like to drown because she doesn't. At all. Just the things she was trying to outswim, the insecurity and the doubts. But not the actual part where she died. She remembers the pain of waking up still alive. Of realizing that she was disappointed at that. More disappointed than finding out she died and was brought back to life again. She remembers all these things but she doesn't remember seeing Paige bleeding. The other girl hadn't said a word all night. She had just sat there and let her sleep on her without saying that it hurt to be crouched down. To have that kind of pressure on her. So she had just slept on without a care in the world because she had the luxury to rest her eyes and sleep once again. She looks up at Paige, wondering who would just sit there and let themselves bleed just to comfort someone else and she realizes that she doesn't know the other girl at all. Only her name. She knows that she cries when she kisses her. That she's an amazing swimmer… but other than that. She's a mystery. Spencer doesn't even know her favorite color. She looks up at Paige and the other girl just shakes her head as she wipes at her tears until her cheeks are red. She opens her mouth but their names being screamed at by their friends stops her.
She looks over at the house and sees Emily and Aria looking absolutely horrified with Hanna trying to get a signal on her phone. Spencer raises her arm and waves at them. But they don't see her, so she shouts and waves again. She can see the relief they feel in the way their bodies instantly relax. They all run towards the edge of the water and stop cold when they see them because every member of the A team is either locked up or dead. They thought the danger was over. Spencer doesn't know how to explain what happened because even she doesn't understand it. Emily starts crying and runs to Paige, not bothering to take her shoes and socks off. She gingerly reaches for the edge of Paige's shirt and just cries as she says Paige's name over and over, lifting the material off of her skin. There's dried and caked on blood along with still bleeding, raw looking cuts that have splinters in them, further irritating them. "Oh my god, Paige, what happened?" Emily asks as she looks between Paige's face and her wounds. Paige looks at Spencer's eyes and then back to Emily again before answering. "It was hot and I thought I could cool off before going back to sleep… but I didn't really see where the dock ended and I kind of bit it… hard…" With that sentence Paige rewrote history with a lie.
Spencer was about to correct her because the one thing they promised to do was to stop lying to each other but Emily didn't even notice her. "Come on we have to get you cleaned up so it doesn't get infected because it looks pretty nasty." Paige nodded and held onto Emily's hand. As Emily walked forward and Paige stood still she was met with resistance and stopped, staring at her girlfriend. Paige pulled her back and kissed her because she wanted to make sure that she was real. That she was alive. That she had been safe while Spencer and her were drowning outside in different ways. But drowning just the same. Emily smiled into the kiss and laughed as she broke it off. "Come on Romeo, we have to get you cleaned up. Then… if you're nice, you'll get rewarded." Paige smiled and told Emily that she loved her. Emily blushed and kissed her again, telling her that she loved her too but that this wouldn't stop her from using alcohol on her open wounds. Paige brought Emily's hand up to her lips and kissed it while looking over at Spencer. Emily rolled her eyes and dragged Paige back towards the lake house with Hanna and Aria wolf whistling after them and Hanna shouting something about no glove, no love before they disappeared through the doorway.
She watched them head inside and she turned towards the lake. Sitting down in the water and staring at the edge of the lake, wondering why she was suddenly full of red hot anger. She bites her cuticles and tries to understand why Paige never left her. Why she would chose to stay out here instead of going inside to take care of that nasty looking mess on her side. It was the most logical thing to do. Wasn't it? It's what she would have done. To do something about the way she was bleeding. To shout for help. To get the others, her actual friends to take care of her. There were a million different choices that Paige could have made. But she hadn't. She had chosen to just sit there. Was that even a choice? How can inaction be considered a choice? Would she have moved if Spencer hadn't told her that she was ready to go? She ground a bit of stubborn skin against her teeth. Trying to get it to yield to her. As if that would tell her why Paige would deliberately choose against the logical way out of this situation. Why she would risk infection to just stare into the darkness while she slept. It didn't make sense. Nothing made sense. She finally ripped the piece of skin and tasted blood against her tongue. She sucked against the pain and kept thinking about Paige McCullers.
She had forgotten that she was sitting outside until Hanna waved her fingers in front of her eyes, startling her back into reality. "Hey, earth to Spencer, what's going on with you? Did you finally try to drown Paige and she was just too nice to tell Emily the truth or something?" Aria and Hanna both laughed but Spencer frowned and didn't answer. She just kept thinking about Paige. The girl that by all means should be as logical as her but in the end hadn't been.
Not one bit.
Not at all.