This is a crossover fic set in a sort of mishmash universe between D Gray Man and His Dark Materials, enjoy!
Song the fic was written to: Vienna Teng - Gravity
Warnings: Spoilers for the ending of The Amber Spyglass (third book in the His Dark Materials trilogy)
It was Midsummer's Day.
Bright summer sunshine filtered through green leaves, dappled light falling gently across your features, and as you sat on the familiar park bench and watched nearby butterflies flitter among the flowerbeds you felt content. Happy? No, for this day was not one for smiles and the warmth happiness brought to you. It was a day for bittersweet remembrance, for longing, for loneliness, for love.
Because today five years ago was the last time you saw Allen Walker, the last time you would ever see him.
It felt like an age long since passed, and yet it also felt like you had last seen him yesterday, with his bright hopeful smile and his red-rimmed eyes that said the wordless I love you. It pained your heart to remember him, but your pain was tinged with something… else, something that made you smile despite the aching loss clutching at your chest. A nameless feeling, one you had clung to over the years - it had kept you going, it had kept you alive.
It had been hard, returning to your world after everything you had seen. With your grandfather dead and your weapon gone your place in the world had suddenly disappeared, and the one place you had grown to call home was now in another world, a world you could never go back to. Your dæmon was the only thing that kept you going - Astera had always been like that for you, a voice of reason among the fear and darkness and doubt. She had been there for you since you were born, and would be there for you right up until you died - without her, you knew for certain you would never have made it through all your trials. It seemed as if you had made it through luck and chance, but coming across the gateway all those long years ago had not been chance - no, it had been fated to happen, even if you hated it - and it was laughable to think that a cat had been your guide into Citàgazze. It brought a smile to your features, remembering chasing the ginger tomcat and finding yourself in another world entirely.
A warm breeze, the smell of salt in the air, the glare of light against sun-bleached walls - and so Lavi Bookman entered another world.
At first you thought it was a dream, but after finding nothing but dust and empty streets you began to suspect otherwise. And, upon entering a dimly lit café off the harbour, you found the boy named Allen Walker. You remember feeling complete and utter fear towards him - white hair, a star-shaped scar, a left hand with a cross embedded in it, no dæmon - Allen might as well have been a ghost, if not for the fact that he lived and breathed and nearly broke your nose as soon as you stepped through the door. Astera had been so frightened of him that she hid inside your scarf, trembling violently against your neck. But once the boy met your gaze and you held it - standing up a little straighter to show that no, you were not afraid - the stranger seemed to calm down.
He was younger than you, and yet the weariness in his eyes spoke of burdens far heavier than any 16 year old boy should ever carry, and your impression of him when you first met was one of both pity and admiration. It had been an awkward first meeting, even more so when Allen saw the shivering flame-furred monkey huddled away in your scarf. He had called her a pet, and you and your dæmon had not known whether to feel amused or insulted - he spoke of her as if Astera was nothing more than a mindless… animal, and oh how wrong he was for she was a part of you, a part of your soul, and your bond was stronger than any other you would ever form throughout your entire life. Any insult given was soon remedied however when Astera spoke to Allen, and the poor boy jumped and shrieked and stared at your dæmon as if she was some sort of apparition. You'd laughed then, and the uncertain smile on Allen's face soon dissipated any fear or ill feeling you had harboured towards the boy.
And so your travels began from so humble a beginning - who would think that it would be you and Allen that would be fated to save the world. It had been a hard journey, one which you and your dæmon carried the scars for - you raised a hand to your right eye, the proof of your involvement and what you carried for a brief time hidden by a simple eyepatch, and remembered with a sick feeling in your stomach how you had lost it.
You'd always been different - the boy with mismatched eyes, the boy with no parents, the boy with no home - and when you ended up being the accommodator to this otherworldly weapon it felt as if insult had been added to injury. Of all people didn't you deserve to be normal for once? You had not even heard of Innocence when it had happened, burning summer heat bearing down on your back as you stood on the roof of the Torre degli Angeli, right eye aglow and crystalline with your face stained with blood. Allen had explained Innocence to you before this, had shown you his arm and what it could do and briefly explained the history of his world, but you did not know anything else. And so learning you were now the wielder of the Heart of all Innocence, had become the bearer of a weapon everyone wished to abuse for their own means - it had nearly broken you and Astera both. Fate weighed heavily upon both boy and dæmon, but when the both of you nearly gave up Allen and his brightly shining hope kept you both going.
If not for Allen you knew you would never have gotten through the Land of the Dead, your dæmon's missing presence a constant aching wound in your chest. Allen, too, felt that painful loss, having lost a part of himself he never knew existed, and as you made your weary way through dust and darkness and whispers of those long since dead you knew that your bond to this boy, with his white hair and star-shaped scar and his dazzling ability to hope, was something you would treasure throughout all your long years.
And it made your goodbye all the worse, for you had scarcely had the chance to be with him, to love him, and just when you had discovered the sweetest of things it was taken from you.
After leaving the Land of the Dead it was chaos - pure and utter chaos, and it was a mess of fighting and blood and fire and death and the constant fear of your dæmon being taken from you forever. But you and Allen made it, to a world of grasslands and strange wheeled creatures and a scientist named Miranda Lotto, and as you reunited with Astera - and as Allen met his dæmon for the first time - you finally felt at ease. You slept, you ate, you laughed and loved and your first kiss was as sweet as the fruits you and Allen had just eaten, and without knowing it your love for this boy and his brightly shining hope had saved everyone, had let Innocence return to Dust and returned the universe to its rightful state.
Or, it nearly did. For the gateways had to be closed, every single one of them. You would return to your world, with its witches and magic and dæmons, and Allen would return to his, a world scarred by a holy war between humans and Noah, and you would never meet each other again.
You would never forget it, that goodbye, and you remembered it with perfect recollection - it had been night in Citàgazze, and after you kissed Allen for the last time and pulled away from him you saw tiny stars flickering in his tears and red-rimmed eyes, and his smile was still full of hope even with all that pain etched into his expression. Astera had said goodbye to Allen's dæmon, a beautiful snow hare with fur aglow under the light of the moon, and as you and your dæmon stepped back into the gateway and watched Allen close it you knew you could never look back - you had to keep hoping, for the future and what it would bring.
The hope Allen had given you would never leave you, no matter how many long years passed.
And so you kept your promise, the one you had made to Allen before you parted ways, and sat on a small park bench in Oxford every Midsummer's Day since then. You would sit, and bask in summer sunshine and watch the world pass by for a few hours, knowing that worlds away Allen would sit with his dæmon on another park bench in another Oxford, thinking of you with the same bittersweet smile, feeling the same bittersweet longing.
"Lavi, are you even listening to me?"
You jumped, startled out of your thoughts by the words spoken, and gave Astera a sheepish smile as she glared at you from her customary spot in the folds of your scarf.
"Sorry, Tera, what were you sayin'?"
The dæmon huffed quietly, clambering onto your shoulder and tucking her tail behind your neck.
"I was saying that we'd better hurry home, it's getting late and Dr. Lotto said she'd have dinner ready for 5."
"Ah I nearly forgot. And we said we'd get her some bread to go with dinner too."
Astera laughed. "Of course you forgot, what would you do without me reminding you of things huh? If we leave now we'll still have time."
You huffed, indignant. "I do remember things. Just... not today…"
Astera watched your morose expression for a few seconds before pinching at your cheek - a sharp pain, a reminder of your being here - and as you turned and lightly swatted her head she met your gaze and spoke in a solemn tone, her lone brown eye peering into your green one.
"We promised them we wouldn't do that, Lavi."
You tilted your head, confused. "Wouldn't do what?"
"Regret it."
You fell silent at her words, gaze drifting to the pavement beneath your feet. Astera pressed herself against your cheek, as reassuring as she could be, and when she spoke once more her voice was full of gentle emotion.
"We've got to keep walking."
You nod and stretch a little with a smile, gently stroking Astera's fur as she returns to her place in your scarf, warm and comforting against your skin - a tiny heart beating in tandem to yours, a lifeline - and as you stand and watch the sun dip behind nearby rooftops you put aside the loneliness, the longing, and return to the present, to the Kingdom of Heaven you are building.