He was going insane.
No, literally.
He felt like he was losing his mind.
He hasn't been able to think straight for days and it's beginning to really eat away at him.
All he did – day and night, whether he was awake or asleep, in class, at photoshoots, during battles, every single moment – was obsess over the idea that maybe, just maybe, Marinette was Ladybug.
It didn't help that everything kept shifting and changing before he could be truly certain of it.
He thinks he has proof when Marinette vanishes during one battle just as Ladybug makes her appearance only for Marinette to pull out another miraculous alibi that he cannot disprove. Then another time her lie sounds so fake to his ears – she was possessed and turned into another minion, she had been in the bathroom, she was here they just didn't notice her – and he knows because he uses them to that he begins to hope all over again.
Then there was the things they, Marinette and Ladybug that is, have in common, they both hated Chloe, they like the same colour, they both like sweets, they love all flowers….but then Marinette is shy and squeaks while Ladybug stands tall and confident and speaks eloquently whether she's putting down the enemy, countering his flirtations, or making a speech in front of the media. And Adrien doubts all over again.
Then he remembers how clumsy Ladybug was on their first meeting and how outrageously indignant and righteous Marinette was on their first day. It was like he had met Marinette first and Ladybug second and he begins to wonder.
He tried comparing their photos as proof but despite the fact they obviously had blue eyes, and dark hair, and a splatter of freckles, he knows they do, he can't somehow make the connection. For some reason Ladybug's blue eyes aren't the same shade as Marinette's or maybe it's because Marinette's lips are shaped differently or….or…or….Adrien's mind goes fuzzy and a headache thumps loudly within his temples before Plagg suddenly yanked him away from the photos.
"Enough of that, Kid," he said firmly, "you'll drive yourself mad. The glamour isn't going to let you see past it."
"Plagg," Adrien murmured as he wobbled to his feet, "I feel woozy…."
"That's because you're not getting enough sleep!"
How could he?
Because all he dreamt about was them. Marinette and Ladybug. Sometimes together. Sometimes Ladybug pulls her mask off to reveal Marinette's face or Marinette gives him Ladybug's saucy grin before she slides the red and black polka-dotted mask over her face. Sometimes though Ladybug isn't Marinette and she's furious that he wants her to be. She accuses him of not really loving the girl behind the mask. Other times Marinette is Ladybug but accuses him of only loving her because of that.
The kissing dreams still make their appearance. They get steamier and steamier each time and it makes the mornings very awkward around Plagg.
It's needless to say that Adrien hasn't had a full night of sleep in weeks and with his insane schedule it's damning.
"You look like you're on the verge of rocking back and forth in a corner like a crazy person," Plagg observed unhelpfully. "See," he carried on as he stretched out lazily, "this is why I stick to cheese. Humans are the worst."
"You don't understand!" Adrien snapped agitatedly as he shoved a hand through his hair. He practically yanked out several golden strands he was so stressed and the outside pain distracted him temporarily from the monsoon of emotions whirling within him. "This could mean everything for me!"
"You're overthinking it, Kid," Plagg yawned, "Just trap her. Give her something during an Akuma battle and then see if Marinette has it later on."
"Don't you think I haven't tried that already?!" Adrien yelped. "It didn't work!"
It felt like fate itself was conspiring against him.
He tried presenting Ladybug with a bracelet during an Akuma Attack a few days ago and the blast sent by the Akuma shattered it into tiny pieces. Ladybug's Miraculous didn't repair it which really cemented the idea that fate was against them. That or Ladybug's magic sensed his nefarious intentions and thwarted them without hesitating.
He then thought about showing Ladybug Marinette's lucky charm before giving it to her to provoke her revealing herself but he ran the risk that Ladybug wasn't Marinette and he ends up giving a precious gift from an important person to a nameless, faceless, girl. The idea of trying to explain that to Marinette made him gulp nervously.
So he scraped that plan completely.
"You know," Plagg drawled, "you could have saved yourself all this hassle if you just opened that damn closet door all those months ago."
"I couldn't disrespect My Lady's wishes like that," Adrien shook his head, "it's why I haven't followed her after attacks. If we can't trust one another and respect one another then how can we fight Hawk Moth?"
"Urgh," Plagg groaned disgustedly, "why do I always get the noble, self-righteous, ones?"
Adrien ignored him as he took up pacing up and down his room while running his hands through his hair like a mad man. "There's got to be something," he muttered, "someway, someone…."
"What about the nosey one?" Plagg suggested. "She's always around battles with that camera thing. Surely she knows something?"
"Alya?" Adrien blinked. Then he remembered something incredible and his face split wide open with the biggest grin he felt in ages. "Alya!" he cried out delighted. "Plagg! You're a genius!"
"I know," Plagg smirked smugly.
Adrien raced over to his computer and threw himself into his chair as he eagerly turned it on. "Alya did an interview with Ladybug ages ago!" Adrien explained. "It had all this personal stuff as well as the superhero stuff. There's got to be some evidence in there! There's just got to be! And Ladybug hates liars, and if she's Marinette she definitely wouldn't lie to Alya, so either way the answers are there. I can't believe I forgot about this!"
"Neither can I," Plagg said, "it was the only thing you read for days. I swear you still quote it in your sleep."
Adrien ignored the snark in favour of scrambling through Alya's archive before he finally found the interview. He eagerly clicked on to and began to read….
MLBMLBMLBMLBMLBMLBMLBMLBMLB
Several months ago Marinette had accidentally deleted Alya's video of Ladybug.
Before Marinette met Alya, she never had a best friend. In fact Marinette sometimes wondered if she actually had any friends. As nice as all her other classmates were (apart from Chloe) when Marinette was being emotionally tortured by Chloe no one had ever stood up for her or helped her. Alya was the first person to stand by her side at Chloe's worst, Alya was the first person to truly accept Marinette for all of her crazy, and Alya was the person that inspired Marinette to take a stand for herself and other people.
So Marinette would do anything to make Alya happy as either herself or Ladybug and that included making Alya's day by saying hello as Ladybug for a video for the Ladyblog.
Which was why when Marinette's bad luck reared its ugly head and she somehow managed to trip, almost drop Alya's phone over the balcony, and deleted the video in the process, Marinette was so hell-bent determined to do whatever it takes to make up for it.
And that included giving Alya the exclusive interview she always craved for.
It went brilliantly at first, Alya asked how Marinette got her powers and she told a vague story while explaining that she couldn't go into too much detail because of security reasons, and then Alya asked about the battles, how Marinette felt about them, what has been the best and the worst so far, what it was like to work with Chat (how she felt about Chat, was keenly asked as well much to Marinette's everlasting embarrassment), and what were her plans to continue protecting Paris and eventually defeat Hawk Moth.
It had been a smooth, easy, interview and Alya looked so giddily happy that Marinette felt she had succeeded in making it up to her.
And then Alya asked about the girl behind the mask.
"Now we all want to know more about the girl behind the mask," Alya said in her typical confident casual way, "I found your school book once, can I assume you're at school age?"
"Y-y-yeah," Mariette stammered slightly. A sudden uneasy nervousness bubbled up within her stomach as it contradictorily sank with despair. "I go to school."
No one knew Marinette better than Alya.
No one!
Well, okay, maybe Tiki did because Tiki is the only person that knows Marinette is Ladybug and actually lived with her, but other than Tiki, no one knew Marinette better than Alya.
But this meant that if Marinette started to actually answer these questions honestly it wouldn't take Alya too long to put two and two together and unmask her for all of Paris to see.
And that couldn't happen!
"So," Alya grinned, "what's your favourite subject?"
"Physics!" Marinette lied quickly. "I, erm, err, am complete science nerd! Absolutely love those protons and neutrons, ha, ha, heh!" she laughed sheepishly as she nervously tugged at a pigtail.
There was a bitter vile aftertaste that flooded her mouth after the lie left her mouth. She plastered on her best, fake, Ladybug grin as she continued to lie in between the odd bit of truth. The guilt of ruining Alya's blog's integrity twisted up all of her organs on the inside but it was nothing compared to the self-loathing that almost choked her at each lie she uttered.
She really did hate liars….
MLBMLBMLBMLBMLBMLBMLBMLBMLB
It was official.
It was right there in black and white on Alya's blog.
Ladybug loved science which Marinette couldn't comprehend. Marinette got all frazzled whenever she tried to answer an equation and no matter how many times Adrien tried to go through one with her during a study session it only ever seemed to confuse and bewilder her even more. Marinette hated science, her favourite subject was art.
Both Marinette and Ladybug loved Jagged Stone the most but who didn't? They also both loved sweets and all flowers but on the other hand Ladybug said that her favourite colour was green, not pink, and Ladybug said she spent all her free time reading about science or doing gymnastics while Adrien knows that Marinette spent all her free time either babysitting or sewing or designing something as epic as Jagged Stone's latest album cover. Marinette was also a huge fan of video games, it was a sacred thing with her Dad and she adores every second their time together, but Ladybug said she wasn't that into them and her she just played with friends every so often.
Ladybug also said she didn't follow fashion and had no preference for any particular style while Marinette adored fashion and would spend hours waxing poetry about the latest design (whenever she thought Adrien was out of earshot and could actually speak coherently).
They were similar but they were not the same person.
Ladybug couldn't be Marinette.
"I suppose that's that then," Adrien said numbly as he stared at the screen, "they're not the same person…"
"Chin up, Kid," Plagg said between bites of his camembert, "now you know for sure you can actually rest."
"Yeah," Adrien murmured feeling strangely empty and unsatisfied, "yeah I can…."
"But not this very minute," Plagg said as he shoved the last piece of cheese into his mouth, "we have patrol remember?"
Usually Adrien would tell Plagg not to be so disgusting to speak with his mouth full while smiling excitedly because he was going to see his Lady soon but now he really couldn't care less. Ladybug and Marinette weren't one and the same and that meant he loved two different girls. Or maybe it meant that he loved one more than the other because all he could feel right now was crushing disappointment that they weren't the same person.
But which one did he love more?
"Plagg," Adrien said tiredly, "transform me!"
What used to feel freeing currently felt constraining and heavy as Chat Noir jumped from rooftop to rooftop towards their meeting place. Ladybug was already there punctual as usual which Marinette wasn't and the reminder that they weren't the same person knocked the breath out of him for a moment.
And then he plastered his best (fake) smile that he uses in photoshoots.
"Hey!" he greeted warmly. "Do you think a radioactive cat have eighteen half-lives?"
Ladybug blinked at him bewilderedly. "Huh?!" she said unintelligently.
"Heh," he smiled sheepishly, "just a silly biophysics joke. Thought it would put a smile on your face because you know," he gestured at his costume.
Ladybug just continued to stare at him in confusion. "Biophysics?!" she squeaked out.
"Not your thing?" he asked. "Which sort of physics does you like then? Because I know a lot of jokes about Albert Einstein that would knock your spots off!"
"I…." Ladybug shook her head. "….what?" she asked completely bewildered. "Why are you talking about biophysics and physics and Einstein and radioactive cats?!"
"I, oh, well, erm, you see," he rambled nervously as he smiled a little sheepishly, "I recently re-read your interview on the Ladyblog and you said science was your favourite subject and I thought you'd appreciate a little science humour."
He now, belatedly, remembered his last few attempts of science humour the first time round he read the interview and Ladybug hadn't taken well to them. Then again in all fairness at the time they were avoiding giant projectiles being blasted at them and that tended to make his Lady a little cranky.
"Oh," Ladybug said flatly as her cheeks burned bright red, "oh," she repeated, "yeah…..that," her voice was filled to the brim with utter disgust, "I wouldn't believe everything you read if I were you."
"….what?" he mumbled.
"Yeah," Ladybug murmured as she looked down at the ground, "I didn't answer all of those questions honestly."
Chat felt his eyes bulged out at that as he stared at Ladybug gormlessly. "You lied?!" he yelped. "But you hate liars!"
"Yeah, exactly!" Ladybug spat out crossly. "I hate liars!"
Their eyes met and he could recognise the self-loathing in her eyes anywhere. He saw it in his own reflection every morning. It never occurred to him, not really, how much she must loathe being Ladybug just because of the lies she always had to tell.
He shook his head bewilderedly.
"I don't understand," he murmured, "Why would lie about the little things like that?" Ladybug took in a deep breath as she prepared to answer when something horrible popped into his mind. "Did….did you lie to me about those things?"
"What?" Ladybug blinked. "No!" she cried out. "I would never! Not you! I wouldn't lie to you about that," she promised fervently. "You don't know me to figure it out but Alya…..Alya's my best friend, okay?" she blurted out hurriedly. "She knows me better than anyone and if I told her the truth she would have known it was me within seconds so I had to lie! I had to! I didn't want to or like it but I did it anyway!"
Chat Noir froze at that.
Every fibre of his very being seemed to be utterly frozen as he didn't even dare to breathe let alone hope.
She was Alya's best friend.
Ladybug was Alya's best friend which could only mean….
No! He shook his head abruptly. He reminded himself that Alya and Marinette had only known each other one day more than he knew either girl. He had found it so unbelievable when Nino let that little fact slip because Alya and Marinette were such good friends that you would have believed they have known each other since birth. But that meant that Alya had this whole other life before she met Marinette.
This could be Alya's other best friend from before she started at Collège Françoise DuPont.
And yet….
…and yet…
"Chat?" Ladybug prodded gently. "Are you okay? You're trembling!"
So he was. He looked down at his hands and found much to his surprise and embarrassment that they were indeed shaking like mad.
He tried to smile and say something light and flirty and oh, so, reassuring that Ladybug would roll her eyes and let the matter drop.
Instead a despairingly, mad, sob forced itself out of his throat instead.
"Chat?!"
"I can't do this anymore," the words fell out his mouth unwillingly, "I can't keep trying to figure it out anymore."
Ladybug stepped forwards and wrapped him up in her arms for a comforting hug but her strange mixed scent of cookies and flowers only made him think of Marinette and that only made him all the more confused. "Do what, Kitty?" she asked soothingly as she scratched behind his cat ears. "Figure out what?"
"If you're her or not," he choked out his confession quickly and quietly against her shoulder. Unable to bear the thought of what her face looked like this very moment. Was she mad? Was she disappointed? Was she completely blank as she tried to keep her emotions to herself? "That Akuma, the one that made people dream about their greatest desire, well it showed me us. You and I together and then you took your mask off and you were her. I didn't even realise that I loved her until then."
Ladybug felt stiff beneath him. Her shoulder was tense and her hand was no longer giving him soothing scratches behind his ear. He utterly dreaded to see what she was feeling right now. She probably hated him for wanting her to be someone else.
"Okay…." She breathed out. "That's okay….you're allowed to have feelings for someone else, Kitty, no one is going to judge you for loving someone else."
"I…I…I…" he shuddered as he tried to collect himself. His humiliation for breaking down completely did nothing to help his already turbulent emotions. "She said something that I said to you!" he blurted out. "and she kept disappearing just as you reappeared but then sometimes there's no way she could be you because she was trapped with no way out but then….but then…you like the same things and then you don't like the same things and…..I can't do it anymore….I just can't…."
"Shh…." Ladybug murmured soothingly as her hand resumed movement. Her fingers now smoothed his hair down repeatedly as if he actually was a cat. "Shh…it's all right, Kitty, it's all right…"
"Please, please…it's driving me insane, I need to know…" he buried his nose against her neck and breathed in deeply. She smelled so much like Marinette that it wasn't fair. "I am begging you," a despairing whisper tore out Chat's throat, "please tell me that you are Marinette Dupain-Cheng."